Chapter 9 - Sofia
I hate the space between us. I hate that he leaves a room the second I walk in.
The same man that told me I wouldn’t need anyone else is now acting like nothing happened between us at all.
He’s acting like he didn’t take my virginity – still don’t regret it – and tell me everything I wanted to hear and more.
I could walk away, give him what he wants and never push for more.
Or I could deal with this now. Everything that’s been left unsaid, the fact he snuck out of my place like a bad one-night-stand after making me feel more than I’d ever felt.
How I adore his son, appreciate him for who he is, minus the fucking moodiness.
That I could leave, but I’ve seen glimpses of the real Cole.
When we were in bed together, when we talked afterward and his words lulled me to sleep, when he’s taken care of me, of his son, smiled or been gentle with his words, insisted on cooking the first night after I hurt myself since I wasn’t allowed to do anything.
Cole comes back down and finds me sitting on the couch. I get up, noticing the same hesitation I saw on his face before he took Liam. The same desire, the same torn, raw expression that he’s been trying to hide.
“We’re talking about this,” I say evenly. “We are, Cole. Not because of the other night, but everything else and please don’t tell me you don’t know what I mean.”
His throat bobs and he glances around, wanting to busy his hands.
I take a slow breath. “I like being here. I like Liam and I ... I like you. When you’re not moody or second guessing things or hiding things from me, I really like you.
I respect you. You’re a good father, you’re a good man, but something is getting in your way. I don’t know what it is.”
“Yes you do,” he breathes.
I rub the back of my neck. I focus on him and he sits down on the couch. I sit beside him and rub my thighs. “Look, if you don’t want a relationship, tell me. I can handle it. I know sex doesn’t mean love, Cole.”
“You keep saying ...”
He shakes his head and bites his fist. Desire flies across his face, then it’s gone in the next second, showing a glimpse at something soft, something nervous. He takes a slow breath.
“I don’t regret having you as my first, but I respect myself enough to .
.. to cut things off if they’re going to be over.
I respect myself enough to move on if I’m not wanted and if you can’t want me for whatever reason has you avoiding me .
.. then tell me. I’ll just be a tenant. We’ll leave it at that. ”
He rubs his lower jaw – recently shaved – and takes a breath. I start to get up, but he takes my hand and draws my attention. Our eyes met and he trembles slightly.
“I told you what happened with my wife. I told you that I wasn’t there for her and .
.. and I’ve had my son to focus on since then.
I’ve had control by being the perfect father.
He’s never broken a bone. He’s never been missing.
No questionable babysitters. I’m involved at school, all of it.
I make sure I can’t lose him,” Cole says.
My brow furrows. It sounds like he’s overly controlling, but I’ve seen his version of control with his son. He never impedes on Liam’s dreams, his wants, only makes sure that his son is safe. I bite my tongue to stay quiet.
“Getting close to someone like you, who’s young, has the world ahead of her, ambitious, shockingly genuine and real and ...” he shakes his head and looks away from me. “I’m getting too close to you too fast. Faster than I’ve gotten close to anyone.”
“You don’t talk much. Not at our shared dinners, not when we’re together. The most talkative you got was when we were-”
“And that’s still more than anyone in town has gotten.
You’ve gotten to see what life is like with us.
You’ve heard about my ex-wife, you’ve heard me talk about the farm, the future I want for Liam, about more than most people,” he admits.
“And getting close to you, really letting you in more than that ...”
Finally, he meets my eyes and for the first time, I don’t see the composed and sure man I’ve gotten familiar with. I see someone who’s on the edge of too many emotions and can’t control them.
“If I let you in, let myself care about you, I’ll risk losing my entire self, my sanity, my sense of safety all over again,” he finishes.
“And if you don’t let anyone in, you’re going to be alone. Liam will go off to college and start his own life and you will be alone. You won’t lose anything if you don’t let others in, but you’ll stagnate,” I whisper. “And I won’t fight you for the sake of the relationship we could have.”
His throat works again and he finally puts his hands down, away from his face. “You terrify me and entrance me at the same time.”
My head cocks to the side while he continues.
“I love how you are with Liam, what I feel when I’m around you, but I feel more exposed than I have since my wife died.
I feel raw. I ... the more I feel for you, the harder it is to stay in control.
I need to be in control so we don’t get hurt, so you don’t get hurt, so I don’t get hurt. ”
“I already am hurt. You left before I woke up. The things you said to me are still in my ears and I believed you,” I say evenly, pushing my anger and bitterness to the back. It won’t help.
He moves closer, his thigh brushing mine.
“I’m not good with words. I’m not, but you .
.. you make this house feel like more. A home and seeing you with Liam, how good you are with him, with his garden, with your games, talking with him like he’s more than a child.
And I hate that I love it, that I like your presence. It terrifies me.”
My mouth opens and closes.
“I care so much about you. Seeing you in that river, I thought I was going to lose my mind if I didn’t get you.
Being in bed with you, talking with you after, hearing how you plan your world .
.. telling you about the future I saw. I didn’t want to fall asleep.
Then I woke up and it was real. All of it, because you were still with me and . ..”
“And what, Cole?”
He gently touches my face, guiding me closer to him. His thumb moves across my cheek, closer and closer to my mouth each time until he’s nearly whispering. “I’m terrified because I can’t imagine you not here, not in my life, missing from our lives.”
I shudder and lick my top lip which means I nearly lick his too.
He doesn’t pull away, keeps studying my eyes with a mix of the feral intensity I got to know in bed and the raw nervousness and threadbare desire that only works in moments like this. His lips gently brush mine, slow, tender, but I let out a soft whine and melt against him.
He kisses me deeper, slower, as if he’s savoring the moment, as if we have years to enjoy just one kiss. He pours every emotion he’s buried or hidden into me like he has to share it even if he can’t verbalize it.
I draw back and look at him, studying his eyes. “Just because I’m younger doesn’t mean I can’t handle things like this. It doesn’t mean I’m just going to leave. I want to be here, Cole. Just let me be.”
“Sofia,” he groans, kissing me again, just as languidly.
Every roll of his tongue, the way he adjusts against me, pulling me onto his lap, all of it is deeper, more emotionally intense, more raw.
He strokes through my hair, guides his hands over my body, along the sides of my breasts, over my ribs, my hips, my thighs, then gently pushes my dress up. “I meant everything I said to you.”
“Did you?” I whisper. “Or was it just to have me?”
“Let me show you how much I care for you,” he says before claiming my mouth in a deeper and hungrier kiss, one that’s so consuming and overwhelming that all I can do is take it. He’s not being rough, he’s just not hiding anything, not holding back anymore and that itself is over the top.