Chapter Thirty-One
Ravi
“So, where do you think you’re going to go?” Michael glances at me from the driver’s seat of his swanky Volvo, which I have to admit I love riding in even though it’s got leather seats.
They’re heated. Which is nice, because I’m feeling awfully chilly for a Florida fall morning.
“It’s a good question,” I say as I stare out the window. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Belle Argo like this, with all the pretty buildings downtown as the sun paints the sky baby blue and tangerine as the town wakes up.
I hate how beautiful it looks when I’m bleeding inside, but it also feels like something sacred.
Not that I haven’t been out at this hour before, coming home from a party that ran late or something.
But I don’t think I ever really took the time to appreciate it.
The beauty of the lightening sky, the day laid out before me with absolutely no plans.
It’s almost as if I’m seeing Belle Argo for the first time.
My dad loved to paint sunsets. I know why. They’re pretty. I’m realizing now, though, the sun rising is something really special.
After I’ve been silent for a while, Michael chuckles. “Still thinking it over?”
“I’ve been thinking about it for over a year. Closer to two, now.” My birthday isn’t too far off. Not that I’m looking forward to it.
Another year of being alone? Of not getting what I want? No, thank you.
“But it was all this huge ball of ifs, you know? It was if I can make Liam see me as an adult, and then it was if I can’t have him, I’ll leave.
If I get enough money. Brennan sent me a text yesterday to confirm the wire transfer into my bank account.
I keep staring at the number. I’ve never had that kind of money in my life.
Never even imagined it. Now that I have it, I’m not sure what to do. ”
“Move some into high-yield savings,” Michael says. “Multiple accounts so you don’t exceed the amount each one is insured for. Keep what you need for a few months of cushion in your checking account. The rest in an index fund. That’d be my suggestion.”
In spite of how raw I feel, my lips pull into a smile. “Thanks. Really.”
He gives me an almost-smile. “I’m guessing you weren’t talking about your financial plan, though.”
“Not really, but what you said was helpful. Thanks.”
“You know you can always call me, right?” Michael gives me a friendly pat on the shoulder. “It would be nice to hear your voice, Rav. We’ve all grown pretty fond of you.”
That opens my tired eyes wider. They’re burning again. “You have?”
Why is it that the first time I feel like someone cares about me is when I’m all set to go? It makes my stomach hurt.
Michael makes a sort of pssht sound. “Why the hell wouldn’t we?”
I shrug. “Just never was really good at making friends. I was too annoying. Too much of a goody-goody. Too whatever. Then I’d think I’d made friends, only to have them turn on me or ghost me without telling me why.”
“Maybe you haven’t noticed, but every person in our little group is a little ‘too whatever.’”
My smile stretches enough to make my lips hurt. “Fair point.”
Maybe things were never meant to work out with Liam, but at least in the end I made some friends.
So why are you leaving?
Because I can’t stay. I just can’t. Not when Liam is so close. Already, it feels like there’s a jagged shard of glass lodged in my chest. I feel like if I stay, I’ll keep bleeding until I die. Slowly.
When we pull down the block from Gil’s, where I left my car (why does it seem like ages ago?), I’m surprised to see an entire group of escorts clustered along the sidewalk.
“Is this…” I can’t finish. My throat closes up.
“The entire brunch crowd. Except Dean. His daughter has a fever, but he said to wish you well on his behalf.” There’s a flash of something I can’t read that passes across his face, but before I can ask, he smiles again. “Come on. Everyone wanted to say goodbye.”
The tears in my eyes spill over. I can’t even stop them.
When I get out of the car, I’m shaky. All the anger and adrenaline running through me when I did what I did with Liam has drained away, leaving me exhausted. Seeing everyone here… Well, I don’t know what to do with that.
“Hey, Rav!” Troy holds up what looks like a to-go container. “We got you one of those burritos you like.”
I peer into the window of Gil’s, confused. “Are they even open?”
It’s only a little after six. They don’t open for breakfast for another couple of hours.
“They’ve got kitchen staff already,” Adam pipes up. “They said they didn’t have the time to serve us, but they let us get some stuff to go. After Troy and I sexed up the owner a little.”
Simon rolls his eyes. “Was it really your sloppy fucking blow job skills that got us all breakfast, or was it maybe when I showed them my boyfriend’s black Amex?”
Troy gives him the finger. Simon gives it right back.
My lips curve into a smile even as I’m drying my cheek with my hand.
PJ rushes forward and pulls me into an unexpected hug. “Can’t believe you’re actually fucking leaving us. You know how hard it is for me to make friends?”
“Uh…”
“Here.” Prince, whom I still don’t know all that well, nudges me with his elbow. “You’ll need caffeine for the drive, wherever you’re going.”
“Where are you going?” Alexis asks.
She’s wearing flannel pajama pants, with her long blonde hair pulled into a messy bun.
Guess I’m not the only one who’s cold. Then again, we’re sort of edging toward fall, which means it’s “only” about seventy degrees this morning.
When I first moved here from Virginia, the temperature was oppressively hot.
I’d walk outside and immediately feel as if I needed a shower. Now? The mornings are downright cool.
“Uh…” It seems to be the only word I know this morning.
An insistent meow from the back seat has me reaching through Michael’s open window to pull out Mr. Cat’s carrier.
“I don’t know for sure,” I say after I set the carrier down. “I was actually thinking maybe Canada?”
Everyone stares at me. Everyone. Michael, Christian, PJ, Alexis and Eve, Adam and Troy, Simon, and especially Prince, who looks more horrified than the rest of them.
“You know it’s cold there, right?” Troy’s eyebrows dip low with concern.
“Sure. I know. But I acclimated to Florida, so I’d adjust to being there, too. And I hear the people are friendly.”
Who doesn’t like friendly people?
“The people are friendly here, too.” PJ points out.
Simon scoffs. “Not you.”
PJ narrows his eyes. “Not you either, you little shit.”
Simon pokes out his tongue.
“I’m nice,” Troy points out.
“Sometimes you’re a little too nice.” Adam rolls his eyes.
Next thing I know, they’re all arguing among themselves about who’s nicer or who’s a bigger asshole. I can’t quite tell.
Michael whistles. “Settle down, kids,” he says, a look of humor on his face. “We’re here to say goodbye to Ravi. Show him our support.”
The murmur of agreement that goes through the group makes my chest ache more.
“Still, though,” Eve says. “If you don’t have much of a plan for going, you could maybe stay?
My roommate is moving out soon to live with a boy.
” She brushes her braids off her shoulder and shoots a glare at Alexis, who giggles and throws her hands over her face.
“So I’ll have an open room once she moves her shit. ”
“Seriously, Rav. Stay. You could crash on my couch,” Michael offers.
Don’t cry again. You can’t see to drive if you cry.
“Thanks, guys. Really. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.”
Honestly, it’s so tempting. The way they’re all looking at me right now? Happy? Hopeful? It’s everything.
It’s on the tip of my tongue to say yes. Yes to the couch, yes to more brunches. Yes, I’ll stay. But then I see Liam in my head, telling me he wants me to go. If I ran into him on the street tomorrow, I wouldn’t be able to take it.
“At the risk of being super cringe right now, I love you guys. And I’m not saying I don’t want to stay, because I actually really do. My heart hurts too much right now. Maybe once I’ve gotten some distance from Liam, it’ll be different.”
“Hey, we could help with that,” Adam says solemnly. “They say getting under someone helps you get over someone, right? Troy and I love a good threesome. We’d treat you right.”
Next to him, Troy nods his agreement.
Jesus, they’re both completely serious.
Neither of them seem to notice the wide stares and a few fist bumps from the rest of the crowd.
There’s been a pool going on about if, or maybe when, the two would admit they’re sleeping together.
Or maybe it was if they’re a couple? I don’t know.
I did put money in, but I guess I won’t be around to win the prize.
Even though they haven’t said anything shocking, it still feels like a clue.
Adam and Troy await my answer, seeming blissfully unaware of the commotion around them.
“Thanks, guys. Seriously.” They’re trying to help. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re not really my type.”
“Oh, that makes sense.” Troy rubs his chin. “I’ve seen that Liam guy you’re into. Daddy energy.”
“Wait, when did you see him?”
Troy snaps his fingers. “You’ve got pictures on your phone, remember?”
Oh. Right. I’ve basically been carrying a shrine to the man in my pocket for years. Feels silly now.
“Also, he was at that party. The one where you made out with Dean.”
My sleepy eyes fly wide open. “What did you say?”
“That’s right,” Adam agrees. “Didn’t stay long, but he was staring at you like he wanted to either eat you or murder you.”
That was the night Liam and I fought when I came home. The night he spanked me. Oh God.
What if he’d let me know he was there? What if I hadn’t kissed Dean? What if Liam had come over and dragged me out of there in front of everyone? Would things be different now?
I glance down at my watch, which I didn’t leave even though I probably should have. It’s mine, after all, and if Liam really doesn’t want me, then it doesn’t matter if he can track me. It’s not as if he’s going to follow.
The conversation moves on to other things, and we end up sitting on the sidewalk for a couple of hours until Gil himself comes out to glare at us threateningly with a broom in his hand.
Everybody hugs me goodbye. PJ twice, which kind of surprises me.
He always sort of acted like he was reluctantly accepting my friendship.
Michael lets me go with a sort of confusing comment about being the master of my own destiny. Maybe he’s right. It’s time I stop chasing someone I wish would want me and decide what I want all on my own. Guess I’ll have plenty of time in the car to think about what that might mean.
When I settle into the car with my cat, my to-go coffee, and half a leftover burrito, things are only sort of blurry. I’m almost proud of myself that I make it as far as the Florida-Georgia line before I really let myself get emotional.
It’s thinking about Liam getting shot that does it, of all things. Walking out of his house hurt so much, but I thought the pain would lessen the farther I got from town. Only, it hurts more now. Like that shard of glass in my chest is pushing deeper.
With every mile the ache seems to intensify. As if the old connection between us is getting stretched to its breaking point.
Is he okay? Does he need help changing his bandages?
Is he in too much pain? Then I can’t help thinking about that moment in the shower when I really thought we were on the verge of having everything.
Fuck that sack of garbage, Dylan Beck, for aiming a gun at him.
After telling me he was pissed he hadn’t been able to sell me.
What we needed was an investment.
Wait. Wait. Wait.
We. He said ‘we’ needed an investment.
“There was somebody else.”
Dylan Beck was working with someone. Or for someone. “Well, now I feel stupid. It didn’t hit me before, Mr. Cat. Better late than never though, right?”
Mr. Cat lets out a meow from the back seat.
Michael’s right. I do need to be the master of my own destiny.
I take a swig of my coffee and pull off at the next exit.