Chapter 27
27
A ll of her?
Would she ever let him see all of her? Could she?
Well, he’d definitely seen more than most. He’d even met her Little side.
So perhaps he knew more of her than he thought.
“Your brother won’t be happy if I take advantage of you.”
Cate made a scoffing noise. “You wouldn’t take advantage of me.”
“I don’t want to do that. But I do want to kiss you.”
Cate stared down at him, her heart racing. She rubbed her chest. “My heart is pounding.”
“Out of anxiety? Or anticipation?”
“I’m not sure. Are you really sure you want to kiss me?”
“I am. I want to taste your lips. I want to feel you pressed up against me.”
“T-taste me?”
“Yes, baby girl. I want to taste you. I bet you’re so sweet.”
“I don’t think I would be. I’ve been told I’m kind of sour.”
He scowled.
Shoot. What had she done to upset him? Cate didn’t like upsetting Ethan. He was so steady. When she was around him, she felt more settled. Soothed.
Sometimes it felt like she spent her entire life upsetting people. The only person who never got angry or upset with her was Rhodes.
But Ethan didn’t get upset at her either. He guided her. Told her when she was doing something he considered wrong or impolite. However, he never made fun of her. Or sneered at her.
Samantha and Kevin seemed to think she wasn’t very smart. She heard the comments they made when they thought no one was paying attention.
Cate did struggle with social cues. And she was certain that many of their insults didn’t register with her.
But that didn’t mean she missed all of them. Or that she didn’t notice how different they acted toward her when Rhodes was around.
However, she’d never once had that with Ethan. Or with Seth or Brody for that matter.
They’d all treated her just like they treated Rhodes.
“Do you also like the idea of me kissing you?”
“I’ve been kissed before,” she told him, straightening her shoulders.
He raised his eyebrows. “Have you?”
“Yes, I wanted to know what it felt like, I’d read about it in books and it sounded so . . . nice,” she finished lamely.
“Nice? I would hope that kissing would feel better than nice.”
She blinked. “Really? It can feel better than nice? I mean that was my bar . . .”
“Your bar was too low,” he said in a low voice. “Please tell me that he at least made it nice for you.”
There was something dark in his face.
“Are you upset at me for kissing someone?” she quickly asked.
“What? No, baby.” He ran a hand down his face. “I could never be angry at you for what you’ve done before we met, understand?”
“I’m guessing you’ve done more than kiss someone,” she said.
Hmm, she felt surprisingly upset by that.
“Hey.” He put his hands over hers and she realized her hands were clenched into fists. “Yeah, I have. But I’m here with you, now. No one else.”
She guessed that was true.
“And I suppose you having experience could be a good thing,” she said. “It might mean that kissing will be nice.”
He frowned. “How bad was the kiss?”
“It was wet and slobbery. Much like kissing a dog, I’m guessing. Not that I’ve done that.”
“Glad to hear it.”
“Yes, I thought you might be. His teeth kept banging against mine. I didn’t know where to put my hands. He said it was my fault. That I was stiff as a board and didn’t move and that I had no skill.”
“I’ll fucking kill him,” Ethan growled.
Her eyes widened. “You can’t kill him. Wait, you weren’t being literal, were you?”
Of course he wasn’t, Cate. You idiot.
“Oh no, I was being completely serious.”
“I don’t think you can murder someone for being upset that I was a bad kisser.”
“I can murder someone for being an asshole to you after your first kiss. Did they know it was your first kiss?”
“Um, yes.”
“So they should have made it good for you. Or, at the very least, not have blamed their shortcomings on you.”
“Oh.” She was certain that it was her fault. But it was nice of him to say that.
“I’m going to need the name of that douche.”
Um. After he’d just threatened to kill him? She didn’t think so.
“No.”
“I’m not going to kill him, baby.”
Cate gave him a skeptical look.
“Just make sure his life is miserable.”
“And if it’s not?”
He grinned. “It soon will be.”
Cate pointed a finger at him. “No.”
“No pointing fingers, Little one,” he scolded. “That’s how Little girls end up in the corner.”
The corner?
This was starting to feel overwhelming.
The sexiest, kindest, steadiest man she’d ever met wanted to kiss her.
Her.
Bad-kisser Cate.
“I need to take care of you, baby. And I want you to be comfortable with that because I intend to do it often.”
Shock filled her at his words. “You do?”
“Oh yes, sweetheart. I don’t do drugs. I don’t smoke. I rarely drink. But my drug of choice, the thing that makes me feel good and gives me a high, is being needed.”
She worked so hard at not needing anyone.
Except Rhodes.
And now, maybe, Ethan.
“You like to be needed.”
“It makes me feel good about myself. It makes me feel seen. Secure in a relationship. The problem I’ve had with past relationships is that I liked it a bit too much. To the point where I wanted my partner to need me for everything and I smothered them. I’m going to try not to do that with you. But I want your promise that you will tell me if I get too much.”
“I’m not sure I could ever imagine someone taking care of me being too much.”
“It might be. So I need that promise.”
“I will tell you.” That was something she could do. “Sometimes I overshare without realizing that I’m oversharing. So tell me if I become too much. Also, as you know, I’m not good in social situations, with meeting new people, at reading people, understanding sarcasm, and being touched. Although I seem to be all right with you touching me. But people I don’t know well. I also have no experience with any of this and am likely to make a lot of mistakes. Will you get angry at me?”
“No, baby,” he told her gently. “Truth is, I can’t see myself ever getting angry at you. But I might become mad if someone attempts to hurt you. Those are two different things, understand?”
“Yes, I understand.”
“I will likely get upset if you deliberately put your safety and health at risk. What I will never do is yell or touch you in anger.”
“Will you tell me when you’re upset and why? It’s just that sometimes I don’t always understand why people are upset with me.”
“Yes. I will be as clear as I can be with you. Even if I have to tell you that I simply need a moment. Okay?”
“All right. That is acceptable. Then we would talk it through?”
“Yes, then we would talk. And depending on what happened, you might get your butt spanked.”
Her breath hitched. Spanked? She didn’t know how to feel about that exactly. On the one hand, she was intrigued . . .
On the other hand . . . she’d be over his knee getting her butt smacked.
“Does that scare you?”
“I’m not sure scared is the right word.” She frowned.
“I hope you’re not because I never want to frighten you. Smacking that delectable ass of yours . . . well, let’s just say I’ve been thinking that a lot lately.”
“You . . . you’ve thought about spanking me?”
“Yep. Even dreamed about it.”
“But we barely know each other!”
He ran his thumb along her lips. “Hmm. We need to remedy that. So have you thought about being turned over my knee? Does the idea intrigue you? And just so I am clear there will be no lies between us. Not even little white ones.”
Oh crap.
Did she like the idea? She had to take a moment and think about that. But her body was screaming the answer.
Because she was definitely turned on.
By the idea of a spanking?
Well. It shouldn’t actually come as a big surprise. Her favorite books had spanking in them. Dominant men who didn’t hesitate to spank their women. She’d just never thought she’d want to experience a spanking herself.
“You like the idea, don’t you?” he said quietly.
The man seemed to be able to reach into her head and see what she was thinking.
“I’m intrigued. But I’ve never experienced it. I like the idea of a chocolate fountain as well, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t get a tummy ache or toothache.”
“Well, the only way to know is to try, isn’t it?”
She stiffened. “I don’t want a spanking right now.”
“Hey, I didn’t mean right now,” he soothed. “You only get spanked when you do something to deserve it. Or you ask for one. No other time.”
“People really ask to be spanked? I mean, I’ve read about it . . .”
“Some people do. They enjoy giving away all control to someone else. A spanking can help erase feelings of guilt. It can help put them into subspace. It might be that they enjoy pain. There are a lot of reasons. There are also spankings for fun. A spanking during sex. Something playful. Like if we were playing a game of chase and I caught you, I might have to spank you for running from me.”
“I’ve never played chase quite like that.”
“Then you’re missing out.”
Perhaps she was. Because the idea of a sexy spanking was more than a little bit intriguing.
“Do you consent to me spanking you?” he asked.
“Before I can agree to that I need more details. What are the rules? What would earn me punishment?”
He cupped the side of her face and ran his thumb over her mouth. “I’ll only punish you if you put yourself in danger, risk your health, speak badly about yourself, or lie to me. A spanking is about reminding you to follow the rules. To give a consequence so you know that someone cares about you and wants you to be safe and happy. You are never bad. Nothing you do is wrong. Understand me?”
That would be a hard concept to believe since her aunt and uncle had constantly drilled into her how wrong she was. She best make it clear to him. In all of those romance books she’d read, communication seemed to be key. And she didn’t want him to suddenly decide he could deal with her.
“I’m not normal, Ethan. And I’m not . . . I’m not going to suddenly get better one day. I get overwhelmed easily. I regularly have to retreat into my closet with my toy and my weighted blanket to soothe myself. I can’t handle people yelling at me. Or loud noises in general. I struggle to look people in the eyes. I have issues with my own emotions.”
“And why would I want you to change?” he asked in a quiet voice. “I like who you are. The way you are.”
Had anyone ever said that to her?
“You get to decide what your normal is. And if normal is being the same as everyone else? Well, screw that. Sounds boring.”
Cate found herself smiling up at him. “That’s such a nice thing to say.”
“Again with the word nice. We have to extend your vocabulary.”
“My vocabulary is extensive, thank you very much.”
“Does it have the words, ‘yes, Sir’ in it?” he asked.
She sucked in a breath. “You want me to call you Sir?”
“Only if you want that too. Or you can call me Ethan. I also accept Daddy, but I don’t think you’re quite there yet.”
No, she wasn’t.
“Everything is negotiable, baby. Except health, safety, fidelity, and honesty. Those things I can’t budge on. But you can tell me where the limits are. All right?”
“All right.” The truth was, she was starting to feel overwhelmed.
Perhaps what she really needed was some time on her own to sort through all of this. But the thought of being alone had panic filling her.
“Talk to me. What’s going on in that smart head of yours?”
Should she tell him?
He said he wanted honesty and she had to believe that he was telling her the truth.
“I’m feeling overwhelmed. I have to be careful, I can get overstimulated easily.”
“Then we need to calm things down,” he said immediately. “We can revisit all of this later. A lot has happened today and I’m putting even more on you. Would you like me to leave you alone?”
“No!” She wrapped herself around him as best she could.
“Hey, it’s all right. If you want me to stay, I’m here. Truth is, I’d have tried, but I don’t think I would have been able to leave you. I told you I need to take care of you. But tell me what you need.”
Her breathing was slightly erratic.
“Or do you not want to tell me? Do you want me to give you what I think you need?”
Is that what she desired? In her books, when one character surrendered control it was a freeing experience. They could just be, rather than thinking and overthinking. Sometimes, she got so tired trying to read people and situations. Worrying all the time.
“Yes, I want that.”
“Good girl for telling me what you need. I’m so proud of you.”
It was silly to feel so happy about that. It wasn’t like she’d done anything amazing. But her body filled with warmth.
“Now, while I’m I charge, I need you to promise to use your safeword if you have to.”
She stiffened.
“We talked about it before and you weren’t sure if you would remember when you’d regressed. But this is different. And if you don’t promise to use it if you need to, I’ll worry that I’m pushing too far.”
“All right. I will use red if I need to.”
“Good girl. Is there anything that’s a hard limit? We’re not playing tonight. I won’t be pushing you. But I still have to know if something will trigger you. All right?”
“Being called a brat.”
“I will never do that.”
“Being told I’m useless, an idiot, a weirdo.”
“Whoa. No. Nope. That will never happen. No name-calling. No degradation or humiliation, I’m guessing?”
She nodded, unable to speak. The idea of those things terrified her.
“Good, because those are my hard limits too. Perhaps I should tell you mine. I will not humiliate or degrade you. I will not make you bleed. I will not share you. I am a very possessive man. Voyeurism is a no. I won’t put you at any risk. Things I do like are to be in control, I want to take care of you, coddle, and protect you. Eventually, I want to fuck you. To make you beg and scream my name. I like bondage, but it’s not something I need if it makes you uncomfortable. And Daddy really wants to take care of his Little girl. To play with her, snuggle her, dress her, feed her, and discipline her when needed. You good with all that?”
“Yes. Although I’m not sure I can be unclothed in front of you yet or have you touch me under my clothes.”
“Noted. But over your clothes is good?”
She could feel herself blushing, but she nodded. God. Everything seemed so overwhelming.
“Hey, don’t stress. I don’t want you to go too far into your head, all right? Stay with me.”
“I am with you. I’m sitting on your lap.”
“Physically, yes. But I can see how hard you’re thinking. I need you here, okay?”
“I’ll try.”
“You’re such a clever, beautiful girl.”