36. Actual Words
36
ACTUAL WORDS
“J esus,” Foster shouted and slammed on the brakes just in time not to hit Charlotte. Between her and her dog, he was going to have to replace the pads soon.
She was standing in the middle of his driveway with her arms crossed and her foot tapping.
It wasn’t even seven in the morning.
“It’s about darn time,” she said when he rolled the window down. “I’ve been waiting out here for ten minutes. You’re later than you’ve been.”
“Are you okay?” he asked. “Is something wrong? You could have called me.”
“Get out of your SUV and come in and talk to me.”
He lifted his eyebrow up at her tone but did as he was told.
“What’s going on?” he asked when he was in the kitchen. Marco came running over to him and he bent to pet the dog that he’d been missing for over a week.
For a guy who loved his space, he had never been more miserable.
But looking at his girlfriend’s face, she might have been feeling the same way.
“Do you love me?”
“We haven’t talked in eleven days and that is the first thing you want to know?” he asked.
“Yes or no, Foster?”
“Yes,” he said. “You’re the one that wanted space so maybe I should ask you that question.”
“Ask it,” she said.
“Do you love me?” he asked.
“Yes!” she shouted. “But you know what?”
“What?” he asked. She was almost scaring him. He wasn’t sure he’d seen her this upset or angry before. If he wasn’t so confused over the whole situation, he’d say she never looked more beautiful either.
“I don’t know why you are holding back. I said that to you the last time we talked and you acted like you weren’t.”
“I’m not,” he said. “That’s why you wanted space because you didn’t believe me?”
“No,” she said. “I wanted space because I deserve to be happy and I had to find out if I was really happy or just content.”
Not what he wanted to hear.
For months he worried that this was new for her and if it ran out, she’d realize it wasn’t what she really wanted.
It’d been all but shoved in his face enough times of the type of man she normally dated.
It wasn’t someone younger who wore jeans and sneakers to work and whose idea of a date was throwing sandwiches and chips in a bag and jumping on the boat.
“Have you figured out what you are?”
“I don’t know,” she said, throwing her hands in the air. “I was happy until I needed space and now I’m miserable.”
“Then why did you stay away for so long?” he asked.
“Because I was hoping that you’d figure out what I needed without me telling you and then I had to guess if you’d just give it to me because I said I wanted it rather than you wanting to do it.”
He shook his head. “Will you yell at me if I say I’m confused again?”
She snorted. “No. I’m confused too.”
She sat down at her table and he did the same thing.
He wanted to pull her into his arms and hug her but was afraid of touching her until she said what she needed to.
The last thing he wanted to do was pressure her.
She’d had enough of that in her life.
“Can you just tell me what it is you need or want?” he asked. “Let me decide if it’s something I want to do or say—” It just hit him. “Shit. I’m an idiot.”
“Why are you?” she asked.
“West told me weeks ago I was lucky I wasn’t in the doghouse for not saying I love you back to you. The actual words. I should have listened but didn’t. I figured you knew and maybe didn’t need me to say them.”
“I do know,” she said.
“But you need the words. I do love you, Charlotte. I’m sorry that I haven’t said it.”
“Why haven’t you?”
“You only said it once to me before the last time we talked,” he argued.
“I did. And I realized that the reason I didn’t say it again was because you didn’t say it back. I fell back into my old ways of trying not to make waves. I didn’t want to tip the boat. Call it being passive-aggressive. I didn’t want you to think I was pressuring you.”
“And when you thought that, you decided it was time for you to put yourself first,” he said. “You hinted at what you wanted from me without saying it and I didn’t see it.”
“I should have just told you,” she said.
“But then you’d doubt it. Not that I like how we’ve been apart this long, but I hope you’ve got your answer.”
“Maybe,” she said. “Can I ask why you didn’t say it the first time?”
“Because I have been holding back, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. They are just words and I thought my actions showed more.”
“They have,” she said. “And that is why this whole thing was confusing even to me. I started out one way on my end and ended in another. When your mother was talking to me, I realized that I had to just take this step. I told you I wanted space and then got thinking you might give me months of space if I don’t make the move. I’ve been making most of the first moves in our relationship. Why not make this one?”
He wasn’t going to address the fact she was making all the first moves.
He felt like an idiot that she was right there.
“Back up. When did you talk to my mother?”
“Yesterday. She showed up on my front porch. I hadn’t known she was in town and she said she figured that.”
“I haven’t talked to anyone,” he said, frowning. Someone should have given him a heads-up.
“Your mother said that was the clue that something was going on. That you just hole up away from everyone when things aren’t going well.”
“She needs to stay out of things,” he said.
“She was helpful,” she said. “She really was. I wasn’t upset she stopped over. I’ve never had a parent be there for me. And the day I walked away from you, my mother had called me. She set me off. That is another thing I’ve had time to think about. I let my reaction to her call affect my relationship with you.”
“What did your mother want?” he asked. “I wish you’d told me she called.”
“I should have said a lot of things I didn’t. She called because she’d found out about Harper.” She waved her hand. “I don’t need to go into it. I said things to her that I should have said years ago. She told me I was being dramatic and shut me down. She doesn’t know me and never will.”
“How did that affect our relationship though?” he asked. “I know you. I understand you.”
He watched the tears form in her eyes. “You do. And I lost sight of that. She will always see me as someone that has to be taken care of. That needs validation for everything. I fell right into that trap when I was waiting for you to say the words. I think that is part of the reason I didn’t want to tell you what I was looking for.”
He weighed her words. “I didn’t say them the first time because, though I felt it, I was scared. It’s hard for me to admit that to anyone.”
“I know,” she said.
“You think I’ve changed and I haven’t. I think being with you has just enhanced who I am. You let me be me and, in turn, it makes me a happier person. It doesn’t mean I don’t still need some alone time and when you said you needed it too, I honored it.”
“Do you normally need ten days of it?” she asked.
“Sometimes,” he said. “Depends on how worked up I can get. Though we love each other, I didn’t know what was causing it. And it falls on me for not asking. Or letting it go this long.”
“I think we are both to blame,” she said.
“We are,” he said. “I’m not going to dispute that. But back to what I was saying. I haven’t changed, but you’ve admitted you have. Things are moving fast and I’m okay with that. I told you I was. But I still worried that you’d realize that it’s not what you’re used to. I don’t give you fancy dinners or take you out to clubs or parties. And the two times we were around groups of people you were so worried I was going to flee, that I started to worry it was too much for you.”
“It wasn’t,” she said.
“Don’t you get it?” he said. “Both of us have put these walls up. You’re doubting and worrying about things the same as me. It was driving me nuts that you kept doubting me and in my mind I’m thinking that if you’re doubting me and acting this way, you’re going to get sick of it too. Because you like to socialize more than me. But I wasn’t having an issue either of those times.”
She laughed. “I saw that. I started to believe it. But you’ve admitted you don’t like people.”
“I don’t,” he said. “That doesn’t mean I can’t socialize for a period of time. It’s called compromise. I’m not going to kiss anyone’s ass and be someone I’m not, but if you want to go out, we can go out. I’m just going to be who I am when I’m out. I don’t think one time I haven’t acted any way other than who you know, have I?”
“No,” she said. “You haven’t.”
“And you’ve told me a few times you fell in love with the gruff guy, so why would I change that?”
She laughed. “I don’t know. Why would you?”
“I wouldn’t,” he said.
“Just like I’m not going back to being someone I never wanted to be,” she said. “You taught me so much but most of all how to love myself. How to stand up for myself and put myself first.”
“Don’t kid yourself, Charlotte, you did that all on your own.”
“I did,” she said, grinning. “But you helped and that is what people who love each other do. Do you believe me?”
“I do,” he said. “Do you believe me when I said I love you?”
“Yes,” she said.
He stood up and put his hand out for hers, then yanked her into his arms and crushed his mouth to hers the way she loved.
Not being pampered.
Not being handled with kid gloves.
“Then we need to forget about the past eleven days and go back to the way things were.”
“We do,” she said. “Now kiss me again!”