Chapter 42
COME TOGETHER
“You owe me an apology,” Billy said on Saturday the minute she and Blaze sat in the restaurant's booth.
Her ex’s girlfriend slapped his arm. “Don’t you dare start in on Arden after everything she’s been through.
Cut it out.” Tina lifted her hand and put a genuinely warm smile on her face.
“I’m so happy to finally meet you. Ignore Billy.
I’m sure you know that when he’s stressed he gets grouchy and says things he doesn’t mean. ”
She wasn’t so sure that Billy hadn’t meant what he said, but if Tina wanted to believe that, it was between them.
Agreeing to have lunch with the four of them was the right thing to do.
She’d called Billy on Wednesday night after Gracie left with her parents. Blaze still wouldn’t leave her side and slept in an extra bed next to her in a private room at the hospital. She thought it was foolish but wasn’t going to argue.
“That’s Billy for you,” she said, plastering a half grin on her face. As much as she hadn’t wanted to have this meeting, she knew it had to happen soon. “And this is Blaze Ridgeway. Blaze, Billy, who you briefly met months ago outside my home, and his girlfriend, Tina.”
The two men shook hands, Blaze’s eyes almost drilling a hole into her ex. Billy was much smaller and, for as vocal as he could be, he said nothing to her boyfriend.
“I just want to say,” Tina started, “that if I were in your shoes, I would have done most of what you did. Billy didn’t want to hear that, but I told him it’s too bad.
Whatever happened between you two is that exactly.
Am I nervous or worried about past behavior?
I am. But I have a brother going through addiction issues and I know or see the triggers and also the different person he is in bad times. ”
She softened hearing that. Relieved that maybe Billy found the person for him. One who understood him more than she could. Who could have more patience and give him what he needed.
“I’m glad it’s working out. I really am. Not just for both of you, but for Gracie’s sake too. This situation we’ve got, it’s never what I wanted when we divorced. I’m sure he told you it wasn’t always like this.”
“I did,” Billy said. “I also told her that what happened was how I am when I’m using. I’m not now. I’m staying away. Even from alcohol right now. I don’t know if I’ll drink again. That wasn’t really my problem. Not so much the addiction.”
“Addiction comes in many forms,” Blaze said. “I don’t need to tell you one is a gateway to the other.”
“Exactly what I said,” Tina said, reaching for Billy’s hand.
Her ex never held her hand. Not once. Not even early on when they were dating. But Billy threaded his fingers through Tina’s and grasped her tight as if it was his lifeline.
Since she felt the same way about Blaze, there wasn’t much she could say.
“Arden, I’m not going to change who I am,” Billy said. “We didn’t work for a lot of reasons. Both of us are at fault.”
She turned when she felt the vibration coming off of Blaze. “We both made mistakes.”
“Me more than you,” Billy said. “I get it. I’m not here to fight.”
She sighed, the tension leaving her shoulders. This conversation had to be done. They had to all find a way to move forward.
“I don’t want to fight anymore. I just can’t. I’ve seen a change in you in the past month or more, even with your anger over my accusations. I was in a bad spot and it wasn’t you.”
“But you thought it was and that’s rough for me to handle,” Billy said, crossing his arms.
“Listen, I know you don’t know me,” Tina said.
“I want to change that. Billy was angry because he was struggling to not take the edge off. I saw the signs and we got through it. I can handle it. I’ve been doing it with my brother for years.
Billy is going to support groups. The same as my brother. They’ve got each other right now too.”
“I’m glad he’s got others he can lean on.” Because he never really had his parents in the past few years. And Billy obviously didn’t feel she was one he could go to.
She’d have to accept that burn to her pride also.
They just weren’t meant to work. But if Billy found the happiness she had with Blaze, then she could be happy for her ex.
“It’s a work in progress. I know you’re aware that relapses happen,” Tina said.
“I am. I expected it. He’d proven time and again that alcohol wasn’t so much the addiction but it’s the way he acted when he drank. And he drank a lot toward the end.”
“To get through our failed marriage. You were a bitch,” Billy said.
Blaze’s hand came on the table. “Don’t,” he snarled. “Everyone is here trying and yet you still fall back on talking to her that way. That’s one thing that is not going to fly whether or not I’m around.”
“Blaze is right, Billy. I can only make so many excuses for you,” Tina said, her glare ready to drill Billy a new asshole. She turned back across the table. “He’s nervous and has no reason to be. I should be nervous and I’m not. Right, Billy?”
“I don’t want you taking Gracie from me,” Billy forced out through his clenched teeth. Tina was rubbing his arm. “I want to see her more. I want her without supervision. You’ve seen us together. She’s not afraid of me. You think I don’t live with the guilt of what I put her through, Arden?”
“I don’t know, Billy. When you talk to me like this, it just brings it all back.”
“I always talked to you like that. Before the addiction. It was just the way I was,” Billy argued, but the tension left him, his voice lowered like it always did when it was pointed out to him.
“Which doesn’t make it right,” Blaze said. “Be respectful. Whether it’s to the mother of your child or your new girlfriend. Set an example for your daughter. Do you want her to think that’s acceptable behavior from a man in her life? Do you want her to be with someone who talks to her that way?”
Billy’s face turned several shades of red. She couldn’t have said it any better. If the words had come out of her mouth, Billy would have fought back and found a way to blame her.
“No, he doesn’t,” Tina said. “And the first time he told me I was acting like a bitch, I turned my back on him and walked away.”
“Billy doesn’t like that,” she said.
“That’s right. I don’t engage. I know you did that to him also,” Tina said. “He told me. But I explained how it made me feel and when he was calm enough to talk, we’d do it.”
All the things she’d done too that hadn’t worked.
She didn’t want to predict her ex’s relationship. She didn’t have the energy to get there.
The server came over and they all placed their food orders, let their minds reset, then she started, “For Gracie’s sake, I want us to get along, Billy.
We don’t have to be friends. We don’t have to even like each other.
I just want us to be respectful. She is having fun with you.
She talks about going to see you and when she comes home goes on for hours about the fun she had. ”
“You’ve never said that,” Billy said, his head snapping up. “I’m trying.”
“I know you are. I’m telling you now. I want us to get to a place where there is a normal drop-off. Where you don’t get worked up seeing me and I don’t have the same problem. I’ve had enough excitement in my life.”
“It’s not going to happen again,” he said, reaching for her hand under the table to hold.
“I’ve got her and I’ll continue to have her and Gracie.
I understand what you’re going through, Billy.
From a medical standpoint. But you’re clean now.
I’m going to be watching. And every time you slip and treat her like shit, I’m going to call you out on it.
I don’t think you want me for an enemy.”
Billy let out a sigh. “I don’t want any enemies. I just want to spend time with my daughter without having witnesses all the time.”
“Because you have to be on your best behavior?” she asked.
Billy looked her in the eye, his face flush, his voice lower, almost remorseful.
“I am. I’m doing the best I can, but it’s stressful.
Do you know how hard it is to not even slip and swear in front of Gracie?
A simple word that I’m sure she’s heard before, but I get happy or excited around her when she’s happy and excited.
Every move I make is watched over. You have no idea what it’s like.
” He put his hand up. “And I get it. I brought it on myself and I have to accept those consequences. But when is it enough?”
Her bleeding heart wanted to cave. Wanted to give in to him.
But this was her daughter.
That guilt that Billy talked about earlier. She lived with it also. For staying as long as she had.
For putting her daughter through unnecessary stress and emotional distress.
“You think I don’t ask myself the same things? If I’d left you earlier. If I didn’t keep giving you more chances. Maybe none of this would have escalated and we wouldn’t be in this situation.”
“I told you, Billy. You’re not alone,” Tina said.
“My parents’ marriage ended because of my brother’s addiction.
They blamed each other and themselves. Then my brother blamed himself.
I can’t live like that. I lived in a household most of my life where everyone walked on eggshells.
While they were blaming each other, they weren’t helping Troy.
I don’t know where things are going to go with me and Billy, just like you don’t with you and Blaze, but it’d be nice if a good foundation could be built here. ”
“Sounds like you should be the one with the social worker background,” she said. “I agree with everything you’ve said. I want to come together because of Gracie. I think she’d really like you.”
“Do you?” Tina asked, her eyes all sappy.
“Yeah. I do. I’ll let Julie and my attorney know that I’m okay with you being there for one of the visits. I’m not sure if it can be next Saturday or not. That’s out of my hands, but I’ll make the call on Monday.”
“Thanks,” Billy said. “I appreciate that.” Billy turned to Blaze. “But I’m not going to allow you to get between me and my daughter or Arden. There is a place for you and Tina and you’ve got to let Arden and I work this out.”
He looked as if he was going to argue, but she pressed on his hand to keep him silent.
“I can agree to that,” she said. “Within reason. We all have to work on it. You included, Billy.”
Their food was brought out, they ate, talked some more without forcing too much of the conversation and went on their way.
“Thanks,” she said to Blaze. “I know that was hard for you.”
He snorted. “You don’t know the half of it. Is that how he talked to you all the time?”
“Usually. He was right, he swore at me a lot and I let it go. It was on me. He was immature and then the addiction fed it. I can see he’s trying. He’s not going to change completely who he is. He’s not going to be someone he’s not comfortable with.”
“No,” he said. “And as much as I want to say I don’t like that around Gracie, I can’t. It’s not my call.”
She turned to him in the SUV on the drive to pick up her daughter at her parents’ house. “No. It’s not. But I appreciate everything you said today. He will be watched for a long time. I have to remind myself that how we act in front of adults versus Gracie is different and he’s doing the same.”
“True. You’re positive he can do it?”
“I’m not positive of anything, but he’s trying and Gracie is happy right now. At the first sign that she’s not, we’ll address it.” She reached for his hand on the seat next to him. “I hate saying that and shouldn’t even feel guilty doing it, but I like Tina.”
“She’s got her act together. Unless she’s putting on a show.”
“I don’t think so. You can’t fake that. She was giving Billy a hard time like I used to, but in a different way. He listened to her like he didn’t me.”
“Sometimes people act differently the second time around for fear of losing something again.”
“I think you’re right,” she said softly.
“I want him happy so that Gracie can see that side of her father. If for no other reason than that. I want to be selfish, to have my daughter to myself, but I can’t.
It’s not right. And if I were in his shoes, I’d fight it too.
The fact that he is tells me he loves her. I’ve never doubted that.”
He brushed his thumb over her knuckles, his touch grounding her. “Then remind yourself of it,” he said. “And remember if he ever steps out of line, I’ve got you even if I know you can handle him.”
She laughed, but it came out as more of a tremble. “You do. And I hope you always will.”
He turned his head, his voice low, steady, full of the quiet intensity that always melted her walls. “I love you, Arden. Don’t doubt it for a second. Even if we fight—and we will—nothing will ever lessen that.”
“Never,” she whispered. “I told myself I didn’t know if I had what it took to be in another relationship after Billy. But I realized I’m stronger than I thought. That I can still trust. Still love.”
“You’ve always been strong,” he said, the touch of his fingers transmitting his love.
“I thought so too,” she admitted, emotion tightening her throat. “But now I know how much is at stake. How easy it is to lose something as fierce as what we have. I won’t take it for granted. I won’t ever take you for granted. My love… it’s only going to grow.”
He squeezed her fingers, his gaze steady and sure. “It will. Because we’ll make damn sure it does.”