25. Molly
“Bonding Fruit wine?” Molly repeated stupidly. What was he talking about? She was feeling slightly less tipsy now—maybe it was the concern coming from the big Kindred that had sobered her up, but now she was worried.
“How much did you drink?” he repeated, looking down at her. “How much, Molly?”
His tone made her flinch and her anxiety began to spike.
“Just a glass and a half,” she said quickly. “I’m really sorry!”
But the apology wasn’t enough—already she could hear the voice of terror yammering in her head.
Oh no—I made him mad at me. Stupid, Molly! How could you drink it without looking to see what it was? How could you be so dumb? Now you’re in trouble—big trouble!
The frightened, negative thoughts came too thick and fast for her to capture them. And with them came the memories of Zach shouting at her, yanking her hair…twisting her arm hard enough to leave bruises…throwing plates at her head that would shatter just inches from her face if she didn’t move fast enough…
“I’m really sorry—are you mad at me?” she blurted and felt her eyes stinging with tears. “I didn’t mean to, I swear! I know I should have checked the bottle before I drank any but I didn’t expect?—”
“Hey…hey…” Torus put the bottle back on the counter and knelt down so that they were almost on the same level. He took Molly gently by the shoulders and looked into her eyes. “Look at me, sweetheart—feel me. Do you think I’m mad at you?” he asked softly.
His deep, quiet voice did a lot to calm her fears. Her heart—which had been pounding with anxiety—began to slow a little.
“Feel me,”he said again, this time through their link. And then Molly felt herself being flooded with warmth and caring and protective possessiveness. “I will never hurt you—never hit you or force you, little bird,” Torus sent. “You’re safe with me. The Goddess has given you to me to protect—I won’t fail her trust in me—or yours either.”
Bit by bit, Molly began to feel better as her instinctive panic response to an upset male began to ease. She had confessed to Lana before that just hearing a man raise his voice sometimes sent her into a spiral of fear and anxiety. Lana had said that maybe she had PTSD from her time with her ex. At the time Molly had brushed the thought aside but now she wondered…could it be true? After all the terrible things Zach had done to her?—
No, be quiet! Don’t think about that! You don’t want Torus to find out!
She took some deep breaths and concentrated on counting backwards from a hundred. Finally she was able to look at Torus again.
“Sorry,” she apologized in a slightly shaky voice. “I just…I thought you were mad at me and I got scared.”
“I know you did, baby.” He pulled her to him and hugged her gently but firmly, enfolding her in his long arms and rubbing her back and shoulders soothingly. “I’m sorry—I shouldn’t have raised my voice like that—I just got worried about you,” he rumbled.
“I feel fine.” Molly nuzzled her cheek against his. Breathing in his warm, cedar and spice scent made her feel better. Why did he always smell so good? It made her want to get even closer to him. It?—
“Let’s take a break and go sit on the couch,” Torus suggested, pulling away from the hug.
Molly was disappointed—she would have been happy to “over-hug” him all evening. But he rose to his feet and headed back to the living room, so she followed him.
“Okay, now let’s talk about options,” Torus said once they were settled.
“Options?” Molly asked, looking up at him.
“I’m afraid the Bonding Fruit wine you drank is going to kick in soon and we need to have a plan for when it does,” he told her. “I’ll be honest with you, sweetheart—I don’t know how you feel about Bonding after we’ve known each other such a short time, but even if you’re okay with it, I don’t think it’s going to be an option.”
“It’s not?” Molly felt her heart sink.
He shook his head regretfully.
“I’m on the large side, even for one of my kind,” he explained. “And you’re petite.”
“I’m the normal height for a human woman,” Molly defended herself.
“I’m almost twice your size,” Torus said bluntly. “If you want me to try fitting myself inside you, I will—but I don’t think it’s going to work. I don’t want to hurt you and my shaft?—”
“Oh!” Molly felt her cheeks getting hot as she finally got his meaning. Damn, that wine had scrambled her brains—she needed to be quicker on the uptake! “I don’t know why you’d have to, er, fit yourself inside me,” she said at last.
“Because Bonding Fruit has an aphrodisiac effect on females,” he explained patiently. “Once it takes effect, you’re going to need to come but even more than that you’re going to have a deep desire to be filled.”
“I am?” Molly tried to remember what Lana had told her about the effects of Bonding Fruit. Mostly she talked about how without it, she would never have been able to accommodate both her Kindred husbands. “Why, they’d split me in two if I didn’t have it!” she had told Molly more than once.
“You are going to need to be filled,” Torus asserted, bringing her back to the question at hand. “Bonding Fruit is also supposed to help you stretch, but I don’t think it will be enough to overcome our size difference.”
“Well…what can I do, then?” Molly asked. “Honestly, I still feel fine. I’m not, er, having any needs or desires,” she added.
“It often takes some time to take effect,” he told her. “So we’ll watch you carefully. But I think maybe we’d better get ready—just as a precaution.”
“Get ready how, though?” Molly asked, frowning.
“You need to have something that can fill you,” he said patiently. “Something like that purple phallus you were using in the video.”
Molly felt a flush of embarrassment roll over her whole body like a wave.
“I don’t do that anymore,” she said stiffly. “I mean, not since…not since the first time my ex sent that video out.”
He raised his eyebrows and she could feel his disbelief through the TET link.
“You mean you don’t masturbate anymore? You don’t give yourself pleasure?”
“No.” Molly shook her head. “Never.”
“But…I don’t understand.” He shook his head, looking confused. “Do you think it’s a sin, the way you were taught when you were younger?”
“Not exactly…” Molly shifted uncomfortably on the couch. “I just feel like it’s not for me anymore. I mean, look what it got me when I did it,” she pointed out. “Look at all the humiliation and pain it brought to my life, because I gave in to myself like that.”
“It wasn’t the pleasure you felt that brought you pain, sweetheart,” he said gently. “It was that bastard of an ex-Mate who sent the video out to hurt you.”
Molly just shook her head. How could she explain to him that what had happened to her felt like a punishment—like the humiliation she’d had to endure again and again was a kind of chastisement or penalty for the way she’d “abused her body.” Maybe she did still believe it was a sin…
“Is that what they taught you to call it? ‘Abusing your body?’” Torus shook his head in disbelief.
Molly flushed again.
“It’s what I was taught when I was a kid. I decided I didn’t believe it when I got together with Zach—I told myself it was my body and I could do what I wanted with it. So I did. Sometimes it felt like…like it was the only way I could reclaim myself after Zach…after he…” She shook her head, looking down at her hands.
“You used it as a coping measure—a way to heal yourself. And he took that away from you.” Torus sounded angry, but she could tell his anger wasn’t directed at her. “Gods, I wish I’d killed him,” he said, his voice dropping to a low growl.
“Torus, please—I really think I’m okay.” Molly looked up at him. “I don’t feel a thing—honestly. I think maybe I didn’t drink enough to get the effects. Maybe you have to take the whole bottle for it to work or something.”
“Well…” He looked at her uncertainly.
“What I need now is just to eat something,” Molly said. “I haven’t had a thing all day but that little slice of wedding cake—I was too nervous to eat before the ceremony. I shouldn’t have drunk that wine on an empty stomach.”
He looked instantly worried about her.
“Then we need to get you fed. Do you want to go out somewhere? Or would you rather stay here?”
“Let’s stay here,” Molly decided. “There are lots of meal cubes in the cabinet and they have a rehydrator. Let’s have supper and then take a walk on the beach. Doesn’t that sound nice?”
“It sounds perfect.” One corner of his mouth tugged up in a smile. “But will you promise me you’ll let me know if you start having problems?” he asked.
“I will, but I won’t have any problems—I’ll be fine,” Molly said firmly.
And she honestly believed it.