Chapter 39 Speed Bump - Avery
“Have you answered him yet, babe?” Andi ran her fingers through my hair, bringing me the type of ease I’d been chasing for days.
As I lay in her lap, I shook my head against her legs, staring at a movie that was on the TV screen. I couldn’t tell you which movie it was or what it was about, but knowing Peyton, it was most likely a rom com that she’d hoped would make me laugh and miraculously pop out of my gloomy mood.
Since I had no desire to go out to the bars, a quiet night in with a movie, pajamas, and Ben & Jerry’s was the only answer.
“Look, you can stay here as long as you’d like. I think I speak for both of us when I say, we love you to pieces. But don’t you think you should put the poor man out of his misery?” Peyton’s voice dipped into a low whisper, clearly hesitant to speak about the situation.
Peyton had been betting on me and Spencer since day one. She made it clear that she would be here for me no matter what decision I made, but I know while she rooted for us, she also understood how impossible this situation felt.
When I left Spencer’s a few weeks ago, I immediately came here.
My best friends were also roommates and didn’t hesitate when I asked them if I could crash on their couch.
The last place I wanted to go was back to Ol’ Red.
Spencer and Jax would be able to find me there, and I wasn’t ready to confront any of it just yet.
Lifting my head from Andi’s lap, I sat up and crossed my legs. With a heavy sigh, I responded to Peyton.
“Every time a text or call comes in from him, I want to answer. But when I think about what to say, my mind goes blank.” My head dropped in defeat.
“Here, spin around and look at me.” Andi twirled her finger, gesturing for me to turn around and face her. “Now, pretend I’m Spencer. What would you say to him?”
She sat with her hands on her knees, mimicking the same position I sat in.
Lifting an eyebrow, I said, “You really think this is going to work?”
“Yeah, to be fair, you’re a hot as hell redhead. Nothing about you screams, Italian Stallion,” Peyton added her two cents.
Andi deepened her voice, challenging me. “Avery, baby, I miss you. Talk to me.”
Her role play wasn’t going to work. I couldn’t take her seriously in the slightest. But it did make me laugh, and it wasn’t just a light giggle.
A full-on belly laugh erupted from my stomach, and it was so contagious, even my girls joined in, filling the small apartment with our laughter bouncing off the walls.
It felt good to show an emotion that wasn’t sad, depressed, or detached. For the first time in weeks, I was laughing with my best friends over the dumbest thing, and it felt fucking good. I felt … human.
After the laughter died down, and we sat in smiles and silence, I finally felt like I could think with a clear head.
“I think it’s hard for me to talk to Spencer right now because in my mind, I’ve always separated the two.
Jax was my past. Everything I went through with him changed me.
It led me to Spencer. And Spencer pulled me from the trenches, showing me I could be happy.
That it was possible to find someone to treat me like I should be treated.
” I sighed, pulling my knees into my chest.
“They were always supposed to be separate parts of my life. My past, my present, and my hopeful future. But they are father and son, and it would make me the shittiest person alive to ask Spencer to choose me. How could I possibly live with the man I loved if it meant the worst thing that’s ever happened to me would be haunting me for the rest of my life? ”
“I get it. It’s a complicated situation that you never thought you’d be in. I mean, what are the fucking odds? Who would’ve thought that the first man you fall for post-breakup ends up being the father of your ex-boyfriend?” Andi sighed and Peyton gave her a glaring look.
At this point, it was like watching the roulette table, and with every spin of the wheel the ball would land on black for ten consecutive spins. With my luck, I’d finally put money on the table, and the ball would jump into a red slot, completely fucking me over.
“Yeah.” I exhaled a pent-up breath.
“I know you need time, and it seems impossible, but maybe just try talking to him. Start small. Ask him how he is doing and let him lead the conversation.” Peyton shrugged.
It had been days. Three torturous weeks to be exact.
And even though the ball was in my court, and it was my choice whether I wanted to talk to Spencer or not, it still broke my heart that we had this distance between us.
Every text that I left unanswered, I wondered what he was doing.
I wondered what it would feel like to be lying in his bed next to him, safely wrapped up in his arms. I wondered where he and Jax had left off.
I wondered if we would ever be strong enough to get through this.
My heart ached when I thought about the way that I’d left him. How I walked out of his penthouse without turning back. How I let him kiss me knowing it could be our last.
“Yeah, maybe tomorrow will be the day,” I finally answered.
“It’s getting late anyways, so why don’t we leave you out here to your spacious room that is our living room, and you can get some rest?” Andi got up from her corner of the couch, blew a kiss at me, and headed for her bedroom. Peyton followed shortly behind her.
“Love you guys.”
“Love you, bitch.” Andi tossed a wink over her shoulder.
“Love you, girl, always.” Peyton shot me a sad smile.
And just like every night when my friends went off to bed, I was left in a place that wasn’t home, all by myself. Every negative thought taking its sweet time to invade each crack in my mind would finally erupt the moment my head hit the pillow.
Once my friends were in their rooms, the television had been turned off, and the light disappeared, it was just me and my phone. Per usual, the damn device pestered me to open the text thread between me and Spencer. And just like every night, I gave in.
I read the texts, thought about how I’d respond, then went to bed remembering how life had been insanely different just a few weeks ago.
Spencer: Avery, I know you need time, but please come back tonight. Let’s talk about everything. Just me and you.
Spencer: Jackson left. Baby, please tell me you’re coming home.
Spencer: I just need to know you’re safe.
Spencer: I can’t sleep without you.
Spencer: Good morning, I missed you last night and I hope you’re okay. I’d love to talk when you feel like you’re up for it.
Spencer: Good night, Avery. I thought about you all day. I love you more than you know.
Spencer: Good morning. It will never get easier falling asleep without you.
Spencer: My sheets smell like you. It’s comforting and heartbreaking all at the same time. I love you, baby. That won’t change. Sweet dreams.
Spencer: You’re the first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning.
Spencer: And the last thing I’m thinking about before I shut my eyes. Just like every night, I’m sure you’ll find a way to invade my dreams.
Spencer: I came across a new crime documentary that I think you’ll love. I added it to my list so we can watch it together some day.
The text messages continued to come in every morning and every night that we were apart. He stopped calling after a few days, resorting to only texting.
He’d left me one voicemail. A message I’d play after I tortured myself by reading his texts. It was the only way I was able to go to sleep at night—by hearing the sound of his voice, even if it sounded strangled and choked up.
“Bella, I miss you. I love you. And I’m assuming you’re safe.
If you went off the grid, I’m sure I would have heard from Andi or Peyton by now.
I know this is hard, I know it’s completely fucked up, and I know there is a lot we need to talk about.
I’ll be here when you’re ready … whether that’s next week, next month, or next year.
You were made for me, and I refuse to think otherwise.
The best relationships have speed bumps, and this is one of ours.
I know this is only temporary. I’ll talk to you soon, until then, I’ll promise to think about you every day. ”
I only allowed myself one listen. Anything more than that, and I was just asking for a manic episode.
Hearing him tell me how much he loved me, and that he would wait for me as long as I needed, it broke me inside.
It didn’t feel right for him to wait around for me to get my shit together.
But it also didn’t feel right to live a life without him.
He was the only person I’d ever felt truly loved by.
With every night that I listened to his words, my heart got closer to snapping right down the center.
How long would this feeling last? How long would I put myself through this before I decided to talk to him about everything?
If I broke down and texted him back, called him, or met up with him, I’d give in. I’d fall into his arms and ask him to heal me. But being with him meant accepting Jax back into my life too, and I didn’t know if I’d ever be prepared for that.
I’d worked so hard to heal. To become a version of myself that I was proud of. I worked tirelessly for the last couple of years to create a version of myself that I could be happy about in the future.
Accepting a life with my ex-boyfriend in it felt like ten steps backward and three years of self-work down the drain.
Was love really worth risking it all for?