Chapter 44 Don’t Shoot The Messenger
“God, it feels so good to be back in your bed. In your arms,” I sighed with my head resting on his chest, fitting perfectly between the crook under his chin.
“Our bed,” Spencer mumbled into my hair, correcting me.
My lips curved into a smile, taking in the post-sex glow before things ultimately became more serious between us. Before we talked about where we left off and everything that had been going on in the last few weeks.
I knew I needed to tell Spencer that I met up with Jax. Even though he was the most understanding man I knew, part of me still feared he’d be upset that I talked to his son before I talked it all out with him first.
“Spencer…” I whispered, the happiness in my voice from earlier beginning to fade.
“We need to talk,” he responded, his tone soft and reassuring.
“We do.” I bit my lip, unsure of how to get the words out.
My shoulders filled with tension as I recalled every detail from earlier. The details that Spencer had helped me forget about for the last hour or so while he’d completely dickmatized me. He pulled me into a trance so deep that nothing else mattered.
Until now. Now, each and every one of those feelings came rushing back.
Jax talking to his mom.
Jax giving me a piece of my mother that I never knew existed.
Jax apologizing.
That apology actually feeling sincere.
As if Spencer could sense that my words were buried in my throat, he spoke first.
“Want to talk about earlier? About…” He paused, clearing his throat, before adding, “Your meetup with Jackson?”
My head jolted from his chest, and as I looked into his eyes, my mouth popped open. Trying to collect my thoughts, the words came out as a jumbled mess. “Um. You … Uh. H-How did you know?” I shook my head, trying to gain clarity.
“Don’t shoot the messenger.” He held his hands in the air. “Peyton told me. Actually, she technically told Jayson,” he corrected.
“Peyton and Jayson talk?” I asked, even more confused.
“Long story. We can get into that later. But … I’m not mad at you. If that’s what you think? I was made aware that you two met up, and honestly, I just want to get it all out in the open.” His chest deflated as if he was feeling instantly relieved.
“He reached out. Said he wanted to talk.” I pulled the covers off me, bringing myself upright so I could give Spencer my full attention.
“I desperately wanted to talk to you first. I thought about texting you back every night. But I think I needed that conversation with Jax more than anything.” I swallowed thickly, hating the way those words tasted.
“I was desperate for answers. Why he did what he did. And surprisingly, he gave me much more than I was expecting, and I don’t even think I’ve processed it all,” I admitted as I dropped my gaze from his.
“Maybe talking to me will help?”
Every response that came out of his mouth was full of understanding and patience.
I nodded. And while he waited for me to figure out where I should begin, he held my hand in his. When his thumb started to trace along my skin, the simple act of comfort relaxed me enough that I could finally string my thoughts into sentences.
“I think it’s important to recognize that he apologized. Even if it seems impossible to accept his apology; it really did seem like he had thought it all over since our last interaction. He dove deeper into what he mentioned about his mom, and me living with them after my mom passed.”
Spencer looked intently into my eyes, listening, and taking in every word before he offered me his insight.
I relayed every word Jax told me that I could possibly remember.
How he resented me. How he resented his mother.
How he told his mom everything he’d done these last few years. How he admitted every wrongdoing.
“I understand you won’t be able to forgive him overnight. I’m going to struggle with it myself when it comes to giving him some grace. But I’m glad you were able to get a little bit more clarity.” His finger danced along my cheek, brushing my hair behind my ear.
“I think after I tell you this next part, maybe you’ll have more clarity too…”
Spencer’s eyebrows dipped, the look on his face pleading with me to tell him.
“He begged his mom for the real reason as to why she never told him about you. Or I guess, in this case, you about him.”
My hand met his chest, returning the comfort he had just given me. Underneath the palm of my hand, I could feel his heart thump against his ribcage in anticipation.
“The way he described it didn’t sound malicious. She was young—you both were young. Her parents essentially punished her for her mistakes. They told her she had to do it all on her own if she wanted a roof over her head and their help with Jax while she went to school and worked.”
“Jesus.” He let out a pent-up breath as his head fell against the headboard.
“I’m sorry…” I dropped my head, feeling guilty for being the bearer of bad news.
“No. Avery, you have nothing to be sorry about.” Spencer lifted my chin and pulled me into his comforting embrace. The smell of his musky body wash instantly putting me at ease. “It’s just a lot to take in. I-I guess, I need to have a conversation with my son.”
“I know he wants to talk to you. He actually told me to let you know that he was going to give us some space, but whenever we were ready, he’d be available to talk.”
On one hand, it was hard for me to be so understanding and to push my boyfriend to talk to his son who once made me feel lower than low.
But on the other hand, I loved this man more than anything.
And seeing him so tormented over how his son had treated me …
it crushed me. He’d already missed out on so much of his son’s life, and I didn’t want to be the reason he missed even more.
It would take some much-needed exposure therapy to get over everything Jax did to me, but if it meant Spencer could have his son in his life, and actually have a stable relationship with him, I’d work harder than I ever had to make that happen.
“Would you be okay with that? Me talking to him.” Spencer’s rough voice cracked into my thoughts.
“I will never get in the way of you having a relationship with your son.” Wanting him to feel every bit of honesty behind my answer, I placed a kiss on his lips.
If you would have asked me when all of this was fresh, when Jax confronted me and dropped an unexpected bomb on me—finding out his dad was my boyfriend—if I would have ever put my feelings aside for the man I loved, I wouldn’t have had all the answers.
Although it was torture, the nights away, and the unanswered texts were worth the time I took to think.
To talk it all out with my best friends.
To let time pass and allow myself to sit in my feelings.
To somehow get to the point where I came around to the idea of sitting across from the one person in my life who had hurt me most.
“You’re sure about that?”
I understood why he’d want to double-check. What Jax put me through—put us through—wasn’t small.
It flipped my world upside down.
“I’m sure. He uh … He actually gave me some clarity on something from my past. Something I don’t think I ever would have known if it wasn’t for him.”
Cocking his head, Spencer asked, “What do you mean?”
“One second.” I rolled over, reaching across to the bedside table for my phone. “Read this.”
Handing Spencer my phone with my mom’s last wishes written across the screen felt like handing him a piece of my past that otherwise, he never would have understood.
Him being able to read her words gave him a glimpse into how vastly different my world was from his growing up. What I went through. And even a part of his son’s childhood that he never got a say in.
“Avery…” he whispered, pulling me into his chest, but words were lost on my lips.
If I had more time with this letter—like the last nine years—I’d have a better response. Instead, my mind went blank because … What was I supposed to say?
Maybe if I was worth sticking around for, my mom wouldn’t have decided to leave me in the hands of our freaking neighbor? Even if I did like the boy who lived in that house?
Gee, Avery, maybe if you ever did a single thing to make your parents proud, they would have considered trying harder to see you were worth living for.
My thoughts weren’t positive. They ate me alive.
I wanted Spencer to see the letter. But I didn’t necessarily know where to go from here. When I thought about sharing this piece of me, it was spontaneous. I didn’t think that far ahead.
His arms pulled me in close as the silence built a fort around us.
He didn’t have to say anything. His words weren’t what I expected. Being a shoulder to cry on would always be more than enough.
Eventually, after I gathered my thoughts, I cleared my throat, finding a few right words to say.
“I know we haven’t talked too much about my upbringing and that I’ve been vague about it all. I guess I just never wanted to talk much about it because I didn’t have the answers. Today, that changed.” I sniffled as the emotions finally hit me.
“I may not like the answers that I got—that my mom couldn’t stand to look at me so much that she drugged herself up every day in order to forget that she was a parent all together.
But in one of her sober moments, even though it was completely fucked, she made sure she found a way to take care of me.
” I fought through the tears, my words coming out in a struggle.
“If I didn’t go through years of hell, years of unknowing, I never would have found you,” I sobbed into his chest. “I can finally be happy now.”
Meeting Spencer at the bar that night was a complete chance. But now knowing that he was the father of my ex-boyfriend and connected to the family I lived with in my late teens, I think our paths were always meant to cross.
“I’m here for you, Avery. That will never change. I refuse to go anywhere without you by my side.”
He kissed each one of my tears and held me in a safe embrace, the type of embrace I’d dreamed of feeling for the last twenty-five years.
He held me close until I fell asleep in his arms, letting the emotions from the day wash over my body and take me out one wave at a time.