Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
K AYLA
I park in front of Alex’s house but don’t leave my car. I don’t want to. I need to figure out what happened back at the diner.
I’m mulling over every single thing I said, he said, Alex said, I did, they did, how they moved their hands, where Justin was looking when I waved my pinky on my left hand… driving myself crazy with overanalyzing every single detail.
A gentle knock on the driver’s side window makes me jump, accidentally pressing down on the horn. Nice, now everyone knows I’m here, and by everyone, I mean Freya and her bears.
Freya’s warm smile sets me at ease, and I roll down the window.
She shivers and pulls a fluffy throw over her shoulders. “Wanna come in?” She nods toward the house with an understanding smile. “I made some tea.”
“Yeah,” I say quietly and finally exit the car. She pulls me under the throw and kisses my cheek—I must really look miserable because we don’t usually partake in this girly stuff; we’re tough chicks, that’s it.
The couch is done up with a few extra pillows and a comforter.
Freya notices my gaze and says, “Alex called and told me you might be up for a girls’ night in.
Or out if you prefer.” She raises a brow.
“He’s having boys’ night.” My head whips toward her, and she laughs.
“Don’t worry, he and Justin really need some bro time; it was long overdue.
” She waves at the couch. “I was hoping you’d be sleeping in the bed, but just in case, I got the couch ready here. ”
“I’ll take the couch,” I say with a cringe, causing Freya to laugh. God knows what they’ve done on that bed. That one time I accidentally saw what they do on that counter… shiver … I still have nightmares. I see Alex as a brother, and that Pornhub live video traumatized the hell out of me.
“Fair enough.” She keeps laughing.
I follow her to the kitchen and look around. “When are you guys going to expand? You need more space now. And I need more untouched countertops.”
She prepares the tea, leaving for a moment to get cookies from the pantry. Now, we’re talking.
“I made meatloaf. Want some?” My face must be a mask of pure horror because she throws her hands up with a loud cry. “It was one time!”
“Frey, I couldn’t figure out which end needed to use the toilet for three days. Can I just have some tea?” I fake-smile with all my teeth.
“You’re all sissies! Alex is still scared to eat anything but lasagna!
That jerk!” she says in righteous anger.
I decide to take the smart approach and wait it out, trying my hardest to hide my smile.
“Yeah, go ahead, laugh at my expense.” She’s barely keeping herself from bursting with laughter now, but I give up first, and she follows.
“Okay, that was pretty bad, I agree.” She shudders, remembering.
“Brr.” She then returns to fixing her perfectly lined cookies on the plate. “So…”
“So?” I parrot.
“C’mon! I need details!” She throws her arms out.
“Alex didn’t tell you?”
“Nope.” She pops the p . “He said it’s up to you to tell.” I just love Alex some more.
“Okay, then.” And I tell her everything. I mean everything . About that night, about all Justin’s visits. About my feelings toward him and about the events of the past hour.
When I’m done, I drink the whole mug of tea in one big gulp and pour myself another. Anything to make myself busy, prolonging the silence before Freya launches into her judgment. I’m sure she will.
But she’s focused on the wall behind me without blinking. I glance over my shoulder to see if there’s a bear there. Why else would she be staring so hard? We all know Freya and her relationship with bears.
Finally, she speaks. “Poor, poor girl,” she says as she stares behind me. The silence continues, and I begin to worry. She blinks and moves her attention to me. “It makes so much sense now.”
“You need to be a little more specific than that.” I’m dreading what she has to say next.
“Justin” is all she responds with.
“Again, more specific, please.”
“His jokester personality,” she explains, not helpfully.
I raise my brows, still not getting it .
“He adopted this carefree, funny personality and hides behind it.”
“What does he hide?” I’m genuinely confused.
“Guilt, Kayla. He’s hiding the fact that it’s his fault.” Her face is full of sadness. For Justin and for Alicia.
I jump from my stool, nearly spilling the tea from the mug. “It’s not his fault, Freya. It’s some monster’s fault. Not his.”
“Sit down, Kayla.” I clench my jaw at her order. “Sit down, Kayla. Please. That’s not what I meant. Trust me, I don’t blame him, but I’m sure he does.”
“He does.” I pop back on the stool, and my shoulders sag with compassion.
“His insomnia. Man, it makes so much sense now.” Freya smacks her forehead. What’s up with people smacking their foreheads? It’s painful.
“You think that night caused his insomnia?” I begin chewing on the inside of my cheek.
“Probably.” Freya chews on her lips. “Trauma causes a lot of crap. So does guilt. I mean, look at Alex and me. One can’t forget, and the other can’t remember.”
“Yeah, you found each other.” I chuckle.
“That we did.” Her eyes become dreamy every time Alex’s name is mentioned.
I’m so happy for them. If I hadn’t met them, I’d never believe in love like that.
One might say it’s just passion and will fade away, but I don’t think so.
I never had a normal family where both parents loved each other.
I never had that as a good example of how it should be, but now I see it, and I want that. Only that.
“I’m sorry you got sucked into all that. And I’m really, really sorry for Alicia. I’ve never even met her, you know.” She lifts her shoulder. “Always wanted to, I keep inviting her over through Justin, but she’s never showed up. Do you think he passed on the invitation?”
“I don’t know, considering her story.” I shrug. “He’s probably protecting her.”
“From me?” Freya looks taken aback, and I hurry to explain.
“From everything.”
“Do you think she’s hiding?”
“She might. I mean, she went through hell. She was always a part of a popular crowd, with beautiful hair and tight, beautiful clothes. They all wear such tight clothes! To think of it,” I stop for a second, “I haven’t seen her wearing any tight clothes for a long time.
Or anything even a little revealing. Huh.
She’s always dressed in a huge sweatsuit. ”
“She changed her wardrobe to be invisible.” Freya pours herself another cup. “That’s how she’s coping.”
“Yeah,” I murmur under my nose.
“I can’t believe they tormented you for so many years for something you didn’t do.” She furiously shakes her head. “And every time you asked, they shut you down.”
“Because they thought I knew.”
“Don’t defend them here. I understand where they were coming from, I do, but Jake is an asshole for using his position like that, and Justin… I don’t have the words for him right now. All this could have been avoided if he just had talked to you.”
“Tell me about it.” I down the rest of my tea and push my cup to her for more.
“Why are you sad? I have a strong suspicion that your pumpkin is about to turn into a carriage. I’m confused why you can’t sense it in the air.” I don’t even want to guess what she means by ‘pumpkin’ here, but I have a few guesses.
“Not for this Cinderella, no. ”
“What?” She laughs. “You’ve had a crush on him since forever.”
“I know! But he’s toxic. We are toxic. Every time we’re in the same space, I want to take a shower after because that’s how dirty I feel.”
Her expression sobers up. “If you feel that way, then yeah, he’s bad for you. I just—” She chews on the inside corner of her lips—the classic tell that she’s nervous. “It’s just that I picked up on a different feeling from you when you’re around him.”
I sigh—she has a point there. My chemistry with Justin is off the charts, but that doesn’t mean we’re good for each other.
Toxic is what I’ve been running away from all my life.
I don’t want toxic. I don’t want to be dragged into something that can make me vulnerable.
I don’t want to depend on or belong to anyone because nothing is forever.
Eventually, Justin will want something fresh and exciting. Where will that leave me?
Nah, this new revelation won’t swing my decision; I’m done with pining after Justin Attleborough. It’s time to move on. Even with recent events, even with this big revelation and him telling me I’m stuck in his head. No, move on, girl.
“I can’t just close my eyes to all the shit he’s said to me.
And I can’t close my eyes to the fact that he’s related to Jake, my biggest bully.
I understand now why they thought I deserved it, I do, but that doesn’t change the fact that in their eyes, I’m trailer trash from the wrong side of town.
And I will always be that: trash to them. With no education or money.”
“It’s not like Justin finished college either. He enlisted with Alex, remember? And he never went back.”
“True. But he came back and built a business from the ground up even after spending three years in jail, and he’s doing fine. Where I’m still struggling with payments for my phone plan.”
“First, you’re five years younger than him.
Second, stop comparing yourself like that.
The local hillbillies talked down to you too much; I think I need to have a conversation with a few of them.
” Her lips are pressed tight, closely resembling a cat’s butt.
I know it’s a serious moment, but I’m about to laugh.
“What? You disagree? So what that you were born poor. It’s not a sin! ”
“You know I’m called a ‘whore’ too?” I ask, rubbing my temples.
“Yeah, so what? Fuck them.” She bumps her fist in the air. It’s so cute. “Let’s see what Justin thinks about you.”
“That’s exactly what Justin thinks about me.” I raise a brow, silently reminding her about the things he’d said to me.