Chapter 7
why are you smiling though?
HAYDEN
The studio door clicks shut behind me, and I head down the stairs, my thoughts in total disarray. A small group of girls chat excitedly on their way upstairs, but all I hear is white noise.
What the hell was I thinking? Thank fuck I’m good at hiding my emotions. The last thing I wanted was for Riley to see how shocked I was by what I’d said.
Why did I do that?
The plan was simple: bring her coffee, thank her for checking on me, maybe stay for a few minutes to banter because our interactions are always energizing.
Oh, and vow not to get her involved in my plan to dig myself out of this depression hole. But I guess I fucking flushed that down the drain.
Because inviting myself out with her so I can “filter out her dates” definitely makes her involved.
Ugh, what was that?
At least she didn’t say yes. She just gave me that wide-eyed are you serious? look. Now I have to pray Nastya will tell Ry hell no. After today’s interaction, it’s clear she isn’t my biggest fan, so there’s a chance.
On the street, I walk to my black Land Rover Defender and quickly slide inside. I don’t typically drive myself, but while I’m on hiatus and spending most of my days navigating between my apartment and Ines’, the label agreed that I don’t need my driver, Wyatt, around all the time.
“Well, Hayden Hale, today you reached a new level of stupidity. Congratulations.” I look at myself in the rearview mirror and shake my head.
“If Piper finds out about this, she’ll eat me alive.
Or maybe not, since I’d kinda be keeping an eye on Riley at the club.
” I drum my fingers on the steering wheel.
“Dammit, I hope she says no. And that she doesn’t mention anything to her sister. ”
With a deep breath in, I shift into gear and head for the café near Ines’ place. As I slowly roll away from the dance studio, I let the cacophony of New York distract me from my disastrous visit with Riley.
By the time I get to Ines’ apartment, my nerves have settled a bit. I’m still kicking myself for my blunder, but since there’s nothing I can do now, I focus my attention on things that actually matter—and Ines and Santi matter a ton.
When Ines opens the door, she wears a gentle smile, her dark brown eyes sparkling. “You’re right on time, as always.”
“I came bearing gifts.” I hold the bag of croissants and a caramel latte in one hand, the LEGO DUPLO set under my arm.
She steps aside, gesturing for me to come in. “Santi’s been asking about you since breakfast.”
Warm affection unfurls in my chest. He’s the cutest kid. “Aw, I missed my little man too.”
She takes the coffee and croissants so I can slip off my shoes, but rather than head to the table, she watches me.
Her curly black hair is in a messy bun, with several loose pieces framing her face.
She’s in a loose red Sabotage T-shirt and tiny black shorts.
Her golden-brown skin is warm in the sunlight filtering in through the living room windows.
As I catalog her, Owen’s voice is loud in my head, willing the memories to return.
God, he loved his wife so much. He called her “mi reina.” The guy was never afraid to show his affection, and since she was the band’s official photographer before her pregnancy, there were lots of opportunities to do so.
After Santi was born, Owen changed drastically, and I still don’t understand why.
“You okay?”
I blink, banishing the dark thoughts to the recesses of my brain. I’m here for my friend, not to get lost in all the whys and what-ifs. I have plenty of time to do that on my own.
“Sorry, I just spaced out.”
“I noticed.” Chuckling, she heads to the living room.
I follow her quietly. Two steps into the living room, Santi appears, running at full speed and launching himself at my legs like a mini linebacker.
“Tío!” he squeals. He’s been calling me “uncle” since he started talking, and it makes my chest swell with love every time. We might not be related by blood, but he is my family now, along with his mom.
I kneel so we’re eye to eye. “Hey, champ. I have something for you.” I hold out the LEGO box. “Your mommy told me you wanted this truck.”
“Trucks!” He grabs the box and presses it to his chest. His eyes are the same color as his mom’s, but his chestnut hair and his little upturned nose remind me so much of Owen. My friend will live on through his son, and that’s the most precious thing in the world.
“Santi,” Ines says as she settles on the couch, “what do you say to Hayden?”
“Thank you!” He grabs my hand and drags me to the corner, where several toys are scattered on the floor.
The T-Rex is riding in a dump truck decorated with stickers and one googly eye that definitely wasn’t there last week.
This boy is chaos, I swear. “I wanna play,” he tells me, pointing at his new LEGO set and then at me.
“Of course I’ll play with you.”
I sit beside him, legs crossed, as he tears into the box. The kid is so impatient. His eagerness brings a lightness to my limbs that is so rare these days.
I lean forward and gently put a hand over one of his. “Bud, try not to tear up the instruction book.”
Once the truck has been put together, we take a break for lunch. Afterward, Santi and I play hide-and-seek, in which he hides and I seek.
Only when he rubs his eyes and yawns do I realize how long I’ve stayed. He probably missed his nap, and I know from experience how cranky he can be when that happens.
“Maybe you can read to him?” Ines stands and quietly digs through a small bin of books. “He’ll probably fall right asleep.”
“Sure.” I take the book she’s holding out for me—Goodnight Moon—and say, “Santi, your tío is tired. Want to read a story with me?”
With a nod, he clambers to his feet before he heaves himself onto the couch and pats the empty cushion beside him. I tuck him into my side and let him open the book. I only make it halfway before he gives me all his weight.
Slowly, I scoop him into my arms and carry him to his room.
Once he’s tucked into bed, I brush his hair off his face and study him.
My chest constricts painfully, but I don’t fight the sensation.
He looks so much like Owen; he even does things that remind me of him—the way he purses his lips when he’s concentrating, his facial expressions when he’s excited.
I miss his dad so much, and I’ll do everything in my power to make sure this little boy knows how amazing he was.
I’ll make sure Santi and Ines have everything they need, Owen. You can count on me, man. I’ve got this. I promise.
Eventually, I force myself to retreat. In the living room, I find Ines sitting on the edge of the couch, holding a half-eaten croissant.
“I’m glad I brought more than one,” I tease as I sit beside her.
“Thank you. This bakery has the best in New York.” She holds the pastry out to me. “Wanna try?”
“No, that’s okay. I’m still full. The arroz con pollo was great. Thanks again.”
We’re silent for a moment. The living room has been tidied up; Ines put Santi’s toys away while I put him to bed.
“You don’t have to keep coming by, you know.” Her voice is quiet and soft. “We’re okay.”
I swallow past the lump in my throat and peer at her. “I know, but I like seeing Santi. I like spending time with both of you.”
Her dark brown eyes linger on me for a second too long. The air in the room shifts subtly, and suddenly, I’m hit with an awareness. The look on her face is familiar, even if she has never looked at me like that. There’s uncertainty there but also a deeper curiosity. A longing.
Unbidden, a chill runs down my spine.
She’s grieving, still recovering from a loss that tore her life apart. Owen’s death wrecked me. I can’t imagine the pain she feels. That’s why I’m here. That’s why I keep showing up for her and Santi.
“Um,” I hedge, discomfort coiling in my gut, “if you don’t want me—”
“No, no, no.” She places her hand on my knee. “I love having you here. I love watching you play with Santi. And I’m grateful. Some days, it feels like you’re the only one who still cares. All I meant was…I don’t want you to feel obligated to be here. I don’t want to be a burden.”
“Never.” I duck so our eyes are level. “You and Santi are my family, and I’d move mountains for my family.”
She takes her hand off my knee and sits back, the lines on her face smoothing out.
With a harsh exhale, I stand. “I should get going. I don’t want to monopolize your time.” I wipe my sweaty hands on my jeans. “I’ll visit next week, but if you need anything—”
“Then I’ll call you.” She nods. “Thank you so much for coming.”
I pat her on the shoulder and head for the door, desperate for fresh air.
My phone has just connected to the Bluetooth in my car when Mom flashes on the screen. Warmth spreads through me, calming my racing heart.
I hit Accept on the display and sit back. “Hey, Mom.”
Like I expect, she launches straight into updates from home. Dad’s knee is acting up after he tried to fix a pipe under the sink. She ended up calling a plumber, who had the issue fixed in less than ten minutes, though it left my father’s ego bruised.
“I saw photos of you on a couple of blogs. They say you’re dating a Serbian supermodel. Is it true?”
Frustration swirls inside me. “Do you really think I have any desire to date? Mom, I’m still not okay after what happened to Owen, and no one deserves a partner with a shit ton of issues to work through.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.” She sighs. “How are you holding up? And please be honest.”
“Today has been good.” I rest my head back against the seat and give her a brief overview of my day. I don’t go into detail about my visit with Ines and Santi, though. I never do. They feel sacred, like penance, maybe. And I avoid mentioning Riley.
Dammit. Riley. Once again, I feel like an idiot for my suggestion. I quickly divert the conversation back to Mom. I don’t want to worry my parents, so they don’t know just how bad things are for me, how desperate I am to get my life back.
Once I’ve ended the call, I notice two new text notifications, both from Riley.
Sink or swim, dude.
I tap the screen and read her messages. Then reread them. Holy shit! She actually agreed. A slow smile creeps across my face, and my pulse picks up, making it feel as if my insides are vibrating.
Why are you smiling, though?
I shift into drive and eye myself in the mirror. “I don’t know.”
But it’s impossible not to.