Chapter 24 I Made a Mistake
i made a mistake
HAYDEN
Lil’Ballerina:
Hudson misses his favorite uncle.
The next message contains a picture of my five-year-old nephew with the mini electric guitar I gave him last Christmas.
Me:
I miss him too.
With a long exhale, I rap my fingers over the steering wheel and consider sending a second message.
Me:
And I miss you.
She’s been in California for close to a month and a half. She’d planned to return two weeks ago, but when her dad had an emergency appendectomy and needed help, she extended the trip.
Since she’s been gone, a part of me has been missing.
She doesn’t know I spend most days locked in my penthouse, ordering takeout and barely functioning.
The only exceptions are the days I’m in the studio working on the album, or when I spend time with Santi and Ines.
I don’t want to worry her, just like I don’t want to worry Hunter and Piper.
So, I put on a smile and power through the day.
Lil’Ballerina:
I think I broke something in you. You’re way too sappy with me.
Lil’Ballerina:
I miss you too.
Me:
When is your flight home?
Lil’Ballerina:
I haven’t decided yet. Once I buy a ticket, I’ll let you know.
Me:
Good. I’m off to Ines’. Talk later.
Lil’Ballerina:
Have fun.
I climb out of the car and slip my phone into my pocket, squinting to keep the glaring sun out of my eyes. I’d give just about anything for a rainy day. This mid-July heat is overwhelming.
With a new LEGO DUPLO set under my arm, I head up to Ines’ apartment.
Santi will start preschool in September, so Ines is planning to go back to work.
It’s a relief, seeing her life ease its way back into some semblance of normal.
Though with the way I keep my pain to myself, there’s no guarantee she isn’t doing the same.
The moment Ines opens the door, I know something isn’t right. Her posture is tense, her lips pursed into a tight line.
“Hey.”
“Hi. Come on in.” She steps aside, her expression tired.
“Is everything okay?” I take off my sneakers and straighten, catching her worried gaze.
She sighs. “Santi has a fever and a sore throat.”
“Should I leave?”
“No, no, no. Please stay,” she says. “He loves you. Maybe you can distract him. Cheer him up.”
I give her a small smile. “I’ll do my best.”
She loops her arms around my waist, hiding her face in the crook of my neck. “Thank you, Hade.”
I hug her back with one arm, still clutching the LEGO box with the other. “Stop saying thank you. I’m here for you and Santi, no matter what you need. Always.”
She holds on a little too long, so I gently untangle myself and give her an awkward smile.
“Where’s the little patient? Uncle Hayden has come to the rescue.”
A burst of laughter escapes her. “He’s in his bedroom. He’ll be ecstatic to see you.”
With a nod, I follow her down the hallway. If I can make the little dude feel better, I’ll count it as a win.
Around nine, I find myself on the floor next to Santi’s bed, rubbing his back.
He felt good most of the day, playing and watching Bluey and begging me to read to him.
Ines worked through her to-do list while I kept him occupied.
She even went to the store for more meds.
But at eight, his fever returned. I did my best to distract him until the fever-reducer kicked in, and his temperature was hovering around a hundred degrees the last time we checked.
“You’re like a magician.” Ines stands by the door, arms folded over her chest. “He’s never taken medicine from me that easily.”
I give her a smile. I’m happy I can be there for them. On days like this, I don’t feel like a waste of space.
I stand and touch his forehead with the back of my hand again, satisfied when he only feels a little warm.
“Do you want a drink? Or maybe something to eat?” she asks quietly as I step out into the hall.
“Nah. I’m still full. Dinner was incredible.” I ease the door shut behind me. “I better go home.”
Rather than back away or head down the hall, she searches my face, her lips parted.
My heart thrashes inside my chest, and an intense shudder rushes through me when I notice how large her pupils are.
She stands on her tiptoes in slow motion, but I’m frozen, confused. As she moves in closer, instinct finally kicks in, and I turn my head so her mouth lands on my cheek.
My chest tightens. I don’t look at Ines in a romantic way, and honestly, I’ve never gotten that vibe from her either. It’s not us. This is about loneliness, the type of thing that happens when a person’s whole world crumbles. It’s grief trying to find something to latch onto.
When we’re grieving, we often make bad choices. It’s human nature.
She takes an abrupt step back, and the flicker in her eyes tells me I’m right. The desperate look on her face has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the gaping hole Owen left behind.
Hands covering her face, she whispers, “I’m sorry. I-I don’t know what came over me. I…I shouldn’t have done that. I’m just so lonely and…”
With a deep sigh, I wrap my arms around her shoulders and hold her.
She hides her face in my chest, silent tears racking her body.
It guts me to see Ines so upset. Owen’s death left a crater in the chest of everyone who loved him, but especially her.
Time doesn’t heal; it just teaches a person how to live with that empty space.
“That’s okay,” I tell her. “You’re tired. Santi doesn’t feel well. And with Owen gone…I get it. I don’t hold it against you. You and your little man are too important to me.”
She sniffles, clinging to me, clutching my tee. As I hold her, trying my damnedest to comfort her, a thought niggles in the back of my mind.
What if I’m no better? What if I gave in to temptation with Riley because I was trying to fill the emptiness? Because I was lonely? What if I used her to dull my grief?
On the way home, all I think about is Riley.
Before she left, I gave her hope we could one day be more.
I made her believe that once I get my shit together, there’s a chance we could try a relationship.
In that moment, I was sure that what I felt for her was real.
That the way she makes the air around me lighter meant our connection was true.
That the way she sees through my bullshit, the way I can breathe when she’s around, is because of more than loneliness.
In reality, I think I’ve been lying to myself. I’m just a broken man trying to fill a void.
Fuck. I made a mistake.
I stumble into my penthouse, my mind a mess. My throat closes, and my hands tremble. Fuck, am I delusional?
She was there for me. I knew she’d had feelings for me for years. She was hopeful we could be more. She was vulnerable and caring, and I used her. I used her to close this hole in my chest, to make it hurt a little less.
What have I done?
I crawl into bed, hide under the blanket, and let myself drown in self-loathing.
You’ve never felt like that with anyone else, my inner voice whispers. No one has ever made you feel the way she does. It was never just a distraction.
“Shut up,” I bark. “Shut the fuck up.” That’s exactly what grief does. It tricks people; it makes them cling to someone close, to the person showing them kindness and compassion. That’s why Ines clung to me.
When my phone rings, I yank it out of my pocket with a groan. Dammit. Piper. And it’s a FaceTime request.
I climb out of bed, toss my phone onto the covers, and hurry to the bathroom.
I wash my face with cold water, but it’s still not enough.
So, I stick my head under the tap, holding my breath for as long as I can.
When my lungs start to burn, I straighten and dry my hair and face.
Then, I force myself back into my bedroom.
Phone in hand, I make my way to the kitchen and call Piper back.
She answers on the third ring, her smiling face appearing on my screen. “Hey, hey,” she greets me. “Wasn’t sure you’d call me back.”
I fake a smile. “Was taking a shower. My phone was in the kitchen.”
“Got it.” She scrutinizes me, and I pray to all the gods she’ll let me off the hook. “How are you?”
“I’m okay. We’re working on the new album, so I don’t have time to brood.” What a fucking lie. I’m an asshole. “How are you? How are Hunter and the kids?”
“Everything is fine. Summer break is not for the weak when your kids are home most of the day.” With a sly smile, she peers over the screen.
“I’m ready to worship the ground Ry walks on.
She’s my lifesaver. Hudson is obsessed with her, and Story follows her around asking ballet questions all day.
I don’t think we would’ve survived this month without her. ”
Then, she shifts, and Riley appears.
My breath hitches. She’s sitting on the sunbed, Hudson tucked under her arm, a book in her lap. Her hair is in its usual messy bun, a few wild blue locks framing her face. She’s in a blue tee and denim shorts, relaxed and comfortable.
I miss her, that’s true, but I have no right to feel so attached.
I’ll only hurt her if I keep letting her save me.
It’s not her job.
And it’s not fair to her.
Once she’s back in New York, I need to distance myself from her, set some boundaries before my selfishness breaks her apart.
I swallow past the lump in my throat. “Yeah, that’s Riley for you.”
Piper reappears. “I’m glad she came to visit us after taking care of her dad. I was worried she’d have to get back to New York and we’d miss out on seeing her.”
“She loves you just as much as she loves her dad. And she was excited to spend time with the kids.”
“I never expected you and Ry to become so close.” She laughs lightly. “When we were kids, you two did nothing but bicker.”
I chuckle, despite how hard it is for me to breathe. “We’re too old for that now, Pip.”
“Watch your mouth. I’m the same age as you, and I don’t feel old at all.”
“That’s because your husband is thirteen years older than you. You’ll always feel young when he’s around.”
She laughs. “Want me to say that to Hunter?”
“Please do.”
After a few more minutes, Piper ends the call so they can have dinner.
I set my phone on the counter and head toward the windows.
The view is breathtaking. The city stretches out before me, all shimmering steel, roads pulsing with nighttime traffic.
Headlights glow through the haze of heat that remains even after the sun has set.
The sky is black. Damn, it needs to rain, just once, to take away the scorching heat sticking to my skin the moment I step outside.
Riley would hate this weather. It’s good she’s in Santa Clara.
Fuck me. Why am I thinking about her again?
I press my forehead to the window. She’s too good for me. She doesn’t deserve to be used as a distraction. She deserves more…and I don’t have the capacity to give that to her.
She deserves someone steady, not an egotistical jerk who mistakes loneliness for love.
I never should’ve gotten between her and Nick. I never should’ve touched her. I never should’ve let myself have her.
But I can’t go back in time and fix my mistakes. All I can do now is make things right for her.
And that means staying the fuck away from her.