Chapter 31
my only love
RILEY
Things shifted after the conversation about Owen, after I confessed the truth about my own past. Hayden and I are still friends, still two people stuck together because of an accidental pregnancy, but the care and trust we have for each other grew deeper as we talked.
Pleasant shivers run down my spine as I remember how he held me. When he walked me to my bedroom and kissed me on the cheek, the butterflies in my stomach went wild. I was on cloud nine as I got ready for bed. I even fell asleep with a smile on my face.
I’m a lost cause.
I pad into the kitchen, still rubbing sleep from my eyes, and find Hayden already up, standing in front of the window with his back to me. His hair is damp, and there’s no T-shirt in sight, giving me the perfect view of his muscular back and tattoos.
At the sight of him, a memory from our first night together flashes in my head. We were chest to chest, me on his lap with my legs draped around his hips, his cock deep inside me. When I came, I dragged my nails up his back, leaving marks, I’m sure.
My cheeks heat, and hot energy swirls inside my lower abdomen.
God, I want him again.
Though after the way he distanced himself from me then established we’re just friends, I’m sure it’s the last thing he wants.
He catches my reflection and turns with a mug in hand. Instead of good morning, the first thing out of his mouth is: “Did you take your pill?”
I frown. “My…pill?”
“Levothyroxine,” he says, lifting his mug to his lips. “Empty stomach, before breakfast.”
A wave of elation hits me, making my skin tingle. Clearly, he was paying attention to Dr. Bell. It means he actually cares.
“Yeah, I took it. It’s been my routine for ten years. I don’t see that changing.”
He nods and takes a sip of his drink.
“Why are you up so early?” I open the fridge.
“Couldn’t sleep. Everything’s too loud again.” He gestures to the coffeepot. “I made enough for two, but I wasn’t sure if you’re supposed to drink coffee now.”
“Thanks. I’m going to make an omelet with spinach.” I straighten and peer over at him. “Want one?”
“That’d be great.” He snaps his mouth shut and shakes his head. “Dammit. It’s me who needs to take care of you…and I’m already failing.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m not sick, I’m pregnant, and I feel good enough to take care of myself.” I shrug. “Besides, I love to cook.”
“I missed your food like crazy while you were in California. You sure you aren’t a witch? Because I’m pretty sure you bewitched me with your cooking,” he muses.
“Maybe part witch.” With a wink, I turn to quickly crack four eggs into a bowl and whisk them, adding a splash of milk. “Why couldn’t you sleep?”
He doesn’t reply, and I don’t insist.
He sits at the bar while I put the skillet on the stove and add butter.
It melts with a soft hiss, the scent spreading through the kitchen.
Once I’ve poured the eggs into the skillet, I toss in a handful of fresh spinach and season it with a bit of salt.
The whole time, he keeps his eyes trained on me.
I can feel his attention, even with my back turned.
It’s like a summer rain pouring down on me, like a gentle caress on my skin.
Maybe it’s a weird analogy, but I can’t help myself.
I love rain, and I would’ve done anything for one rainy day this summer.
I tilt the pan just right and nudge the edges in with a spatula, relishing the moment.
It feels special. Important. The two of us in his kitchen, me making breakfast, him watching me.
I’m filled with warmth and a sense of comfort.
As I settle into the sensation, I can’t help but wonder what our future will be like.
Will I stay here until the baby is born?
Will I move back to my place? Or to an apartment nearby?
Teeth digging into my bottom lip, I close my eyes, grounding myself. It’s too soon to think about all that. So many things could change in the next seven months, and I realize that since I moved in yesterday, I haven’t once considered the two of us might become something more than what we are now.
Maybe I’m finally moving on?
“Ry?”
I shudder at the sound of his voice. It’s much closer than I expected.
He’s at my side, his shoulder brushing mine, his eyebrows pulled together. “Didn’t you hear me? I asked if you needed help.”
“Oh, sorry. I got lost in my thoughts.” I give him a sheepish smile. “Will you get plates?”
He nods, studying me, then shuffles to the cupboard.
“Thanks.”
While we sit, he’s relaxed, but I can’t stop fidgeting.
“Mm, delicious,” he murmurs after he takes his first bite.
“Glad you like it.” I pick up my glass of apple juice. “How do you feel now?”
He frowns. “What do you mean?”
“You said you couldn’t sleep. Are you feeling okay?”
“Yeah, I’m good.” He takes a deep breath. “I woke up early and looked at my phone to check the time. There was an email from Glenn waiting. He sent me a link to the tracks we recorded for our new album.”
“Oh.” I deflate in my seat, my back rounding. “Totally get why you couldn’t sleep.”
“I sent it to Ines and asked Glenn to send it to Owen’s parents too.”
Using the side of my fork, I cut a piece of my omelet. “Why didn’t you send it to his parents yourself?”
“They don’t talk to me anymore.”
I jerk my head back, my stomach sinking. “What do you mean?”
“Owen’s mom kind of blamed his death on Ines.
Apparently, I wasn’t the only one he talked to about how he felt sometimes.
He’d opened up to his mom a little too, but I saw him daily.
He’d talk to me about the bad but also the good.
He told me more than once how terrible he felt about the negative thoughts that suffocated him.
But his mom only ever heard the bad, so she assumed Ines wasn’t supportive, that she’d driven him to do it.
” He hangs his head low. “Grief makes us irrational, but whether she meant it or not, it hurt Ines. And when Owen’s mom insisted Ines and Santi move to LA so they could be closer to each other…
Ines said no. When I refused to try to talk her into it, I ended up on Owen’s parents’ shit list.”
“I can’t even imagine how that felt. They’re both hurting, both grieving, and instead of supporting each other…” I shake my head. “Though I guess it shouldn’t surprise me. It’s a lot like what happened to Mom with Piper’s dad’s family.”
The warmth in his gaze soaks into me. Our connection is so natural, so easy. Does he notice it too?
“Want to listen to the album after breakfast?” he asks quietly.
“Absolutely.” I nod.
When we’re finished, he collects the dishes. “Any plans for today?”
“Not really.” I finish the last of my juice and set the glass on the table. “I thought I’d run out for groceries.”
“Really?” He puts one plate into the dishwasher, then the other. “I just stocked the fridge.”
“I really want some strawberry ice cream. And something else—I’m not sure what yet. My cravings are very chaotic.”
“Let me get dressed and I’ll—” He lets out a low growl. “I can’t even go with you. Fuck.”
I set my elbows on the counter and rest my chin in my hands. “Yeah, there’s no way we can go anywhere together now.” I sigh. “We’re kinda trapped.”
He puts his mug in the dishwasher and leans against the counter. “I know it feels impossible right now, but it’ll calm down. And we’ve got Wyatt. If he drives, we can go places together. We just have to leave through the underground garage.”
“That doesn’t exactly solve the problem.” I tilt my head to the side. “Sure, we can leave together, but we can’t show up anywhere. Not anywhere public, at least.”
He sighs, his shoulders sagging. “The label will announce our new album soon. That’ll steer attention away from the pregnancy.”
“I think you’re wrong.” I clasp the pendant around my neck. My breaths quicken. “I’m sure it’ll only fuel their curiosity.”
“Ry…”
“It’ll be so much worse once the album is announced. I’ll end up in all the gossip blogs. Everyone will be talking about me. What a failure I am…what a coward…” My breaths saw in and out of my lungs painfully. Fuck, this is not good, not good at all.
“Hey.” His voice is soft as he steps closer to me. “Look at me, Ry.”
I force myself to focus on him, my body shaking. He hovers over me then wraps me in a tight, warm hug, running a hand up and down my back. His scent and the warmth of his skin are enticing. I hide my face in his chest.
“Everything will be okay. I’m here for you, and I always will be,” he whispers. “I won’t let anyone hurt you. They can fucking try, Ry. They can fucking try. If anyone so much as opens their mouth, I’ll slap them with a lawsuit.”
I sniffle. “You can’t sue people for speaking the truth.”
“What truth?” He rears back, eyes searching mine.
“You’re not a failure. You’re not a coward.
Pursuing your dreams takes a lot of courage, but it takes even more to walk away when you’re unhappy.
” Gently, he cups my face, brushing away my tears with his thumbs.
“You’re phenomenal, Ry baby. Please remember that. ”
Every word goes straight to my heart, to that hopeful little organ that can’t stop dreaming about this man. That keeps on hoping and believing.
With the way he looks at me now? His green eyes warm, his smile soft? I will never move on from him. He was my first crush. My first unrequited love.
Hayden Hale is my sister’s best friend. My brother-in-law. My baby daddy.
But he’ll always be my only love…even if he never loves me back.
My throat grows thick. “Thank you.”
“You’re very welcome.” He kisses my forehead and steps back. “Ready to hear the new album?”
“More than anything.”
When the first chords spill from the speakers, I get literal chills. It’s not just music—it’s memories, the sounds, the voices, the words that will remain long after we are all gone.
I once heard we all die twice. The first time is our actual death. The second is when there’s no one left to remember us. But with these songs? This music? Owen’s legacy will live forever.
By the third track, I’m crying. Owen harmonizes with Hayden perfectly. His voice and the sounds of his guitar slip under my skin and settle there, warming my insides and making my heartbeat steady and calm.
I accidentally brush Hayden’s hand, but instead of pulling away, he twines our fingers and gives mine a little squeeze.
When the fourth track starts and Owen’s voice cuts through, a chill runs up my spine.
It’s haunting and raw and completely unexpected.
He never sang lead vocals, but he sounds incredible.
I close my eyes and see him on stage. The song brings him to life, makes me feel like he’s in the room with us.
I press my hand to my chest and turn to Hayden.
His jaw is tight, his shoulders tense, but his eyes instantly snap to mine.
We stare at one another, our faces tearstained.
He leans in, and my pulse quickens. I hold my breath as the world around us ceases to exist. He searches my face, his gaze dropping to my lips. It feels inevitable—
Then, his phone rings, halting the music and shattering the moment into a thousand pieces.
He pulls back and picks up the device from the table. His Adam’s apple moves up and down as he swallows.
I think I know who it is.
Then, with a sigh, he stands and strides away. “Hey, Ines,” he says as he leaves the room.
I was right.
When Hayden returns, he’s dressed in black jeans, a black tee, and white sneakers.
“I need to go. Ines listened to the album and…she’s not doing well. I’m going to pick up Santi and take him to the playground. I’m really sorry, Ry. I’ll be home as soon as I can.”
I nod.
“There are three more songs we didn’t listen—”
“We can do it once you’re back. Don’t worry.” I flash him a grin. “Go. They need you.”
He hesitates, eyebrows pulled together. My smile is so fake, I’m sure he sees right through it.
“Ry…”
“Go, Hayden. I’ll be fine.” I stand and lift my chin. “I’ll find something to busy myself with.”
Once the doors of the elevator close behind him, I slump back on the couch and stare at the wall. It’s decorated with pictures from several Sabotage shows, images of the guys with other famous artists, their gold album plaque, a Billboard award.
The band is such a huge part of his life, and it always will be. This hiatus won’t last forever. Eventually, he’ll be back in the studio, back on the road.
I’m deluding myself if I think we could ever be more than co-parents.
I hide my face in my hands and cry. The pregnancy hormones amplify every emotion, the mood swings that plague me making me dizzy.
The rational part of me understands why Ines called him.
It gets why he dropped everything and went to her.
But the irrational part of me, the part my heart rules, is hurting.
No matter how close we get, it’ll never be enough.