Chapter Twenty-Five
Raven
“Look!” TJ’s demanding little voice pulled me from thoughts of tomorrow and grounded me right in the present.
I gave my nephew my full attention because he deserved it.
Because I needed to soak up as much time with him as I could.
“Show me,” I told him with a wide smile.
No matter what happened, Steel City would no longer be my home, which meant I wouldn’t get to see him grow up into a little human, a teenager, and finally a young man.
Either the plan would go to shit, and I’d end up taking my last breath or it would all go as planned and I would just leave.
Because I realized I couldn’t stay here if Hades didn’t want me.
I wasn’t going to watch him moving on with his life if he didn’t have the guts to stand up to my brother.
TJ smiled and got to his feet, picking up his plush blocks one by one and stacking them as high as he could reach them.
He was such a happy little boy, despite growing up on the run and without his father.
He was constantly smiling and he greeted everyone, even the bulldog with a gas problem, with a hug.
“More,” he demanded, his chubby cheeks flushed pink from joy and exertion.
I handed him another block, happy to be spending time with him.
I’d been holed up in my room for nearly a week, mostly because I needed to avoid Hades but also because I couldn’t spend time with the girls and their kids knowing I probably wasn’t coming back.
It would’ve been too difficult, so I kept my distance.
Staying away from Hades wasn’t difficult. Macy said they’ve been in a lot of closed door meetings, no doubt planning for my meeting with Viktor. Whatever else they were up to didn’t involve me and I didn’t ask questions. I just stayed in my room, thinking. Overthinking.
Remembering my time with Hades with a wistful smile because no man had ever made me feel the way he had. Important and beautiful. Desired. Worthy. I never felt so good just being myself. Like being me, foul-mouthed Raven with a little more attitude than the average girl, was enough.
Like being me was perfect. Exactly perfect.
“Look!” TJ pointed to his massive tower with a smile so wide it hid his eyes. And then he did the most little boy thing ever, he ran through it as fast as he could until the blocks scattered, making him double over with laughter.
My heart clamped hard in my chest at his smile, that sound of pure delight.
My eyes slid closed and I let that sound burrow its way deep into my heart and my soul to make sure I could pull it out on long nights and hear it whenever I needed to remember.
“Again,” I shouted, making his eyes light up in a way I hoped never faded.
“Are you okay?” Vivian’s soft voice asked the questions and when I turned, her eyes studied me too carefully.
I fought the urge to squirm under her careful assessment.
“Yep,” I finally answered in a tone more chipper than I’ve ever used in my whole fucking life.
Despite my fake as fuck assurance, Vivian’s gaze was heavy and too warm.
I tried for a smile I didn’t feel but needed her to believe.
“I’m fine, Viv. A little on edge, sure, but otherwise I’m fine.
Please worry about anything but me.” I didn’t deserve it.
Vivian let out one of those heavy sighs that people let out when they’re frustrated that you won’t open up. I’ve heard that particular sigh a lot in my life. “I know you’re suspicious of me,” she began, her tone etched with sadness.
I cut her off. “You’re wrong, Viv. Dead ass fucking wrong. I was suspicious of you, now I’m not.”
Her brows shot up as if this was news to her.
“You love TJ and you love my brother, that’s obvious to anyone with eyes and that is more than enough for me.” I smiled as I handed TJ another block. “I’m not good at opening up and sharing my shit with people and I’m not sure I can change it, but I promise I’m fine.”
Her eyes narrowed as if she could parse through the bullshit I just fed her to find the truth. “If you ever want to talk, I’m here. If you just need someone to listen, I can do that too. We’re family.”
That was a kind gesture. “Thanks, Viv.” I’d never had any real family other than my brother, and no close female friends. The one time I tried to trust someone, I ended up owned by a Russian criminal.
A beat of silence passed before she spoke again. “Are you staying away from all of us because you’re angry?”
I blinked, completely taken aback by her question.
I really didn’t think anyone had noticed and if they had, that they wouldn’t care much.
I always knew I was only here because of my brother, so what difference did it make if I stayed in my room?
I figured I was doing everyone a favor. “Angry about what?”
Her lips pulled in tightly and she shook her head. “Your brother thinks you’re pulling away because you’re planning on sacrificing yourself to that Russian fucker. Is that true?”
More or less. “No.”
“I don’t believe you,” she said, keeping her voice gentle like I was a frightened animal.
“But you also don’t owe me answers, either.
Just, please don’t give up. TJ loves you and so does your brother.
” She smiled again, this one I couldn’t read.
“We all do, whether you believe it or not, and we’d all be completely wrecked if you were gone. ”
My eyes stung, which I really fucking hated. I wasn’t a crier. I mean, I used to cry often before Viktor.
“Are you going to cry?” Vivian’s lips tilted into a smile.
I shook my head. “I don’t cry.”
Her brows shot up, disappearing behind her new bangs. “Never?”
I shrugged. “I used to cry, but he, Viktor, got off on it so I trained myself to stop. It took about a year, but it happened.” And right now I really wanted to cry, but I wouldn’t let myself.
“Holy shit, Raven.”
I shrugged again. “I have no plans to give up, I can promise you that.” I would live, I knew that now. I didn’t want to die. I had reasons, well I had one reason to live, and that was enough for now. I would live, but I would be gone from their lives. From Steel City altogether.
“A perfect non-answer.” She laughed to herself. “No offense.”
“None taken.” I sighed again and turned back to TJ, handing him more blocks since he now had a stool to climb to make his wall of plushy blocks even taller.
“Things are complicated right now and all I can say is that I don’t plan on sacrificing myself, but I also won’t let anyone else get hurt because of my mistakes. Katya was too much as it is.”
“Did you think that when I came here and I had all those people coming after me?” Vivian asked.
“Yeah,” I answered honestly. “I did. I was angry that you were willing to put so many people in danger, but I got it. You have a kid and you’re a good mom, so you were willing to do whatever it took to make sure he lived. I understood then, and now.”
“So because you don’t have kids, you’re not allowed to do what’s necessary to live?”
I didn’t know how to answer that. I wanted to live, but I refused to burden anyone else with my problems. Thankfully, my phone vibrated in my back pocket before I came up with an answer. The screen flashed with an unknown number, but I knew who it would be before I answered the call. “Hello?”
There was a long silence before I heard the deep timbre of a voice I often heard in my nightmares. “Your boys play a good game, Daisy.”
I flinched at the use of that name that was never mine, but it was what Viktor always called me. “Fresh as a daisy,” he would say. “Pretty as a daisy,” he would say when I got all dressed up in one of his fancy dresses and gowns.
“I will meet your demands. A public meeting. Lavender Leaves. Noon. Tomorrow. Don’t be late.” The call ended before I could gather my shit and say something. Anything.
I felt sick. Just hearing his voice after so much time brought me right back to that world and that life.
To that time in my life when I was powerless.
I jumped to my feet and rushed to the bathroom where I gripped the sides of the toilet and emptied everything that was in my stomach.
It wasn’t much since I hadn’t had much of an appetite, but I was officially worried.
This was the third time I’d been sick this week, and the last time before that was my twenty-first birthday after about twenty-two shots. “Shit, I must be coming down with something.” I muttered, trying like hell to convince myself that this was just nerves.
Vivian laughed behind me. “Could be a nine month flu. Want me to get you a test?”
I frowned and then all the blood drained from my hands and face. “Nine month… why would you say that?” I mean, it had occurred to me but given all the fucking stress I was under, I figured that was the issue.
“Well,” she sighed heavily and pointed at the toilet. “Sensitive stomach is a key symptom. Check your period too. My offer for the test stands.”
I couldn’t be pregnant, not now. It was the worst time.
I might die tomorrow. “No thanks,” I finally answered.
“I’m not sure I’m ready to know one way or the other.
” I had too many other things to worry about right now.
Things like a Russian trafficker who’d stop at nothing to get back something—me—that belonged to him.
The meeting was set for tomorrow.
Today would be the last normal day of this life.
After tomorrow, or whenever, I’d have a different life altogether.