39. Daisy
CHAPTER 39
daisy
Landry coughs quietly as he merges onto the interstate. I sigh and shift my position in the passenger seat, then pick up my phone again.
Okay, so maybe I’m fishing for a reaction from him. I know we both hate letting any kind of conflict simmer, so his unusually calm and collected demeanor this morning is making me feel exceptionally anxious. But I’m in love with him, and I need him to quit being so stubborn and admit that he loves me, too. And I really want to skip to the part where we kiss and make up.
“I’m sorry,” he begins awkwardly, and I sigh inwardly. “About last night.” He glances my way, his expression contrite.
“I’m not surprised to hear you say that,” I return bitterly when I realize he’s only apologizing for the parts I enjoyed.
“Look who’s sounding cynical now.” He smirks.
I roll my eyes. “You can’t blame me for assuming you’d regret kissing me again.”
His face falls. “But I shouldn’t have been kissing you after the other stuff I’d just said, and I certainly shouldn’t have let it go that far.”
I huff out another loud sigh. “Right, because I’m just a silly, little girl who can’t think for herself. And you’re the Big Bad Wolf who’s come to seduce me.”
“Daisy …”
“What, Landry? Do you want me to lie and say I’ve changed my mind? I’m frustrated, and I’m annoyed with you, yes. But it doesn’t mean I’ve stopped liking you.” I pause for a second. “That’s not how love works. And I’m sorry if my feelings for you are inconvenient, but?—”
“All right, enough!” he yells, pounding his fist lightly on the steering wheel.
I clamp my mouth shut and glare at him, surprised to see him smiling.
“I’m perfectly capable of putting my own foot in my mouth, if you’d give me a chance,” he continues while I cross my arms and pout. “But I’m trying to tell you that you were right. I have been refusing to acknowledge your feelings … and my own. And last night was only a mistake because I shouldn’t have allowed anything physical to happen between us before I was able to admit all that to you.”
“Oh,” I breathe as a glimmer of hope surfaces.
“I’m also sorry for leaving you alone and for all the dumb stuff I said—for being an ass in general. I don’t really think you’re silly or naive, and no one is more grateful for your ability to see the good in people than I am.”
“Thank you for that.”
He hesitates before he begins again. “The thing is, I’m still pretty confused. It turns out that the way I feel about you doesn’t exactly align with the rest of my beliefs. So I might need a little more time to make sense of everything, to figure out where we should go from here. Is that okay?”
“Yeah. Okay,” I reply in a small voice. He reaches over and opens his hand, and I drop my palm into his. “But, for the record, we are talking about romantic feelings, right, and not just more of the friendly kind?”
“Definitely romantic.” He glances at me from the side and brings my hand up to his lips to kiss my knuckles, making me shiver.
“So it’s really the extent of these romantic feelings that you’re struggling with?” I venture.
“I guess you could say that.”
“If it helps, just know that I don’t have any expectations,” I tell him as he lets our hands fall to rest between us. His thumb strokes the inside of my wrist, and I have to clear my throat before I can continue. “You don’t have to commit to anything serious if you’re not ready.”
He laughs shortly. “More serious than marriage?”
“You know what I mean.” I smirk at him and give his hand a squeeze. “We based our friendship on honesty, and that’s something I never want to change. So don’t be afraid to tell me the truth, even if you don’t feel as strongly as I do.”
He heaves out a sigh and continues rubbing circles over my wrist as he exits the interstate and pulls up at the nearest gas station. Then he puts the Jeep in park and turns to face me.
“You’re not going to let me go without saying more, are you?”
I cringe. “I’m sorry. I can be patient, I promise.”
He smiles, looking nervous. “The truth is that I think you’re amazing. You’re like sunshine, so bright and full of joy. You’re also the only person in the whole world who gets me, who’s willing to meet me where I am.” He pauses and swallows hard before he continues. “When I’m around you—hell, every time I think of you—I get all warm and fuzzy inside. And that scares the shit out of me, because it’s never happened before, and because I never expected to like it this much. It probably sounds stupid, but I think I’ve been afraid to acknowledge the way you make me feel because I knew that once I did, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from acting on it. And I can’t bear the thought of letting you down.” He exhales in relief before he adds, “That’s what I’ve got so far.”
“Wow,” I say, my voice thick, and he laughs softly. I try to ignore the stinging sensation in my eyes, but they’re growing waterier by the second. “Landry Reed, are you telling me that I give you the warm fuzzies?”
He smirks shyly. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
“I didn’t think you were capable of getting the warm fuzzies,” I say, chuckling and sniffling at the same time.
“Neither did I,” he mumbles under his breath. “But you’re giving them to me again … right now.”
“Oh, sorry.” My brow lifts and I tug my hand back. “Is this better?”
He stares at me for a full beat before he shakes his head. “No. You’re still doing it.” His voice sounds hoarse.
“Want me to stop?” I ask, smirking at him.
“Never,” he rasps. He reaches out and brushes his hand over my cheek, and I blink at him a few times as a wave of heat runs through me. For a second, I think he’s going to pull me in for a kiss. Instead, he tucks my hair behind my ear and continues gazing at me, looking more vulnerable than ever.
“I don’t know if I can give you all the things you want, the things you deserve,” he continues. “But the longer I know you, the more I find myself wanting to change, to at least try to be better, even if it’s just for you.”
I nod, trying to resist the urge to climb into his lap and ask him to stay there forever. His dark eyelashes flutter as his eyes dart down to my mouth. I watch his throat bob again, and I gulp along with him. “Thank you for being patient with me,” he says quietly, taking my hand in his again. Then he dips his head to kiss my wrist before pulling away and letting my hand fall.
“Of course,” I mutter disappointedly.
He clears his throat and looks down. “I think I’ll top off before we head home. Do you need anything inside?”
“No, I’m fine, thanks.” I offer him a forced smile before he nods and steps out of the car, then I groan aloud once he leaves me alone and pout inwardly until he returns.
I paste on another smile as he opens the door, because I really have no reason to be upset. I should be grateful that the man I love has finally admitted that he has feelings for me, even if he mostly cited the fact that I’m nice to him as his reasoning. It’s not that I don’t appreciate all the sweet stuff he said about me. But after being friend zoned first, I guess I’ve been hoping for a little more evidence of Landry’s attraction to me. I mean, last night helped boost my confidence a little, but I’d still like an actual declaration.
Then again, I also promised I’d be patient with him. And I ought to know better than anyone that Landry needs more direct cues than the average guy, which isn’t saying much.
I realize I’ve accidentally let out a frustrated huff a second too late. But Landry turns to me with a grin and holds out a convenience store bag.
“Don’t worry, I’ve been taking notes.”
I furrow my brow in confusion as I take the bag. “What’s this?”
“When a woman says she doesn’t want anything from the store, she really means she’s too hangry to figure out what she wants, right?” He recites the line proudly as I dig around and find some jerky, my favorite brand of iced tea, and a pack of trail mix.
I bite my lip, already feeling guilty. “Landry?”
“Hmm?”
“For someone who supposedly has a hard time articulating his affection, you already do a pretty fantastic job of making me feel very well-liked, if not loved.”
His lips twitch, but he keeps his expression blank. “It’s probably one of those at least.”
“Thank you,” I say and lean up and press a kiss to his cheek. Then I watch as his eyes flutter closed, and he inhales deeply, as if he’s savoring the contact.
“You’re welcome,” he returns, and I scoot back to my side with a silly grin while he pulls out of the parking lot.
“Aren’t you going to say a rosary?” he asks after a while.
“Sure. I guess I forgot since I was a little distracted.” I pull up my purse and begin digging around for my favorite green rosary.
“Will you teach me?”
My brow shoots up. “Hmm?”
“I, um, I never really learned before. But if you wanted to teach me, we could say it together sometimes.”
I blink up at him. “You want to pray together?”
“Only if you?—”
“Yes,” I cut him off. “Absolutely.”
He shoots me an adorable grin, and it takes me a second to gather my thoughts again. I only thought Landry was everything I wanted in a man before, but we’re making it official now. If he thinks he’s going to ask me to pray together and still get rid of me, he’s definitely the gullible one here.
I attempt to clear the emotion from my throat before I begin our lesson, but I can’t help the way my voice cracks every so often after that.
We make it back home just after lunch, and my heart begins racing as he pulls into the driveway. We’re still sharing a home, and we’re still married, yet things are going to be different now. I’m grateful when he grabs my bags out the back and opens all the doors for me so that he can’t see the way my hands are trembling.
Landry silently follows me into my bedroom, and I struggle to keep my breathing steady. By the time he drops my bags down onto my bed and turns to face me, I’m forced to lean against the door frame for support.
“Thanks,” I say awkwardly. He nods and locks his gaze onto me again, and I think I might swoon like one of those women in Loren’s Regency romances if he doesn’t turn that smolder away soon.
“So, um, do you still want me to tag along tonight? It’s okay if you’d rather spend some time alone with your family,” I pose, my voice shaky.
“No, I definitely want you …” He clears his throat after he trails off. “I mean, I’d still like you to come with me.”
My eyebrows lift, and I can’t help but wonder if I’m reading too much into what he’s saying. “Oh, good. Would you like to go to Mass together first?”
“Yeah, that works,” he says, taking a step toward me.
“What should I wear tonight?”
He exhales loudly. “It’ll be pretty casual, so whatever you’re comfortable in. We can always run home to change after Mass.”
“You want to come back home and ‘change’ before we go to your dad’s place?” I ask, using air quotes. “Won’t that look a little suspicious, especially if we show up looking cozier than usual?”
Landry laughs, momentarily distracting me from the way he’s moving closer. “You’ve never been this flirty with anyone else, have you?” He says it more like a statement, daring me to deny it.
I blush a little, and my breathing picks up again at the abrupt shift in our conversation. “No. I’ve never been brave enough to talk to any other guy the way I talk to you.”
“I think I like that,” he says after a while, making me shiver.
“The flirting?”
“Yeah. And the idea that I’m the only man who gets to see this side of you.”
My cheeks flush even darker. “You make me feel safe, I guess.”
“So do you. For the first time in my life.” He pauses, and his shoulders rise and fall. “You were right before, when you said that the way we get one another seems … rare. I’m not sure yet what that means for us, but I promise I’m not going to take it for granted anymore.”
My heart skips a beat, and I smile at him again.
“Daisy, I … I think I might …” He cringes and shakes his head. “I want to say it out loud, but I can’t. Because I’m not supposed to feel that way about you.”
An incredulous laugh bubbles out of me. “As your wife, I’d like to think I’m the only person you should be saying this stuff to.”
“Everything else—all the things I shouldn’t say—they all just come flying out before I can filter myself. Why is this so hard?” Then he pulls away and runs his fingers through his hair in frustration. “What’s wrong with me?”
“Hey, look at me,” I demand, and he obeys, but his eyes are still filled with doubt. “There’s nothing wrong with you. Just like there’s nothing wrong with me, right? Our brains work differently, that’s all. And that’s okay, because I like your brain the way it is. We can be different together.”
“This is what I mean. You’re too good. I can’t let you waste yourself on me,” he says with a rueful smile.
“Well, you’re wrong, because I don’t know that I’ve ever met anyone as kind and generous as you,” I whisper, furrowing my brow. “You deserve the world, Landry. You deserve to be taken care of, too.” I reach out to pull him in closer again. “You just have to let me.”
He stares at me with half-lidded eyes as he closes in the last few inches of space between us and leans down to brush his nose over mine. “I have another confession to make.”
“Hmm?” I tilt my chin up instinctively, and his eyes dart down to my mouth, but he doesn’t take me up on my invitation.
“Although I’m glad we did it, I only asked you to pray that rosary together because I needed a distraction. And I don’t remember most of the drive home because I was so busy fighting the urge to pull the car over and drag you into my lap.”
I inhale sharply. “Oh.”
“But I didn’t want you to think I only said how I felt to pressure you … you know?”
I shake my head. “I don’t think that at all.”
“Good, because I’m dying to kiss you right now. Only, I’m afraid I don’t have as much patience or self-control as you do,” he continues, backing away.
My stomach dips, and I grab him before he can move too far. “I don’t have a problem with that.”
“I mean it. You’ll have to put the brakes on.”
I nod, maybe a little too eagerly. “I can handle it.”
I watch his throat work as he stretches an arm over me to brace himself and pins me against the door frame. My chest begins heaving when he leans down and rests his forehead against mine, until he finally gives in and allows our lips to meet. He starts off slowly and tenderly, but it isn’t long before his hands are traveling over me and his body is pressing against mine.
I arch my back up from the wall and clutch desperately at his shirt sleeves, and he hums his approval into my mouth. Then he palms my thighs and moves to lift me in front of him before abruptly dropping his hands and taking a step back, to my disappointment.
“I’m sorry,” he begins, cringing and licking his swollen lips, “but I should go … I just … I need to be somewhere else for a little while.”
“You’re not going anywhere,” I reply breathlessly, yanking him down to me. He gives me another short kiss before he backs away again.
“You don’t understand. This is why I couldn’t even consider letting anything happen between us before. It’s all I can think about now. It’s only been a few hours, and I’m already struggling with this self-regulation stuff.”
“So, you do want me the way I want you?” I ask hesitantly.
“I don’t know if I can accurately convey my enthusiasm without using language you wouldn’t appreciate,” he replies, his tone deep. “But, yes, I want you.”
I shiver as another flash of heat runs through me. “I was a little worried you were still just going along with all the flirting and kissing because you felt sorry for me,” I admit.
He groans again and reaches behind me to trail a fingertip down my back. “Shit, Daisy. I’ve been fighting this since the moment I walked in on you in the kitchen. Do you have any idea how hard it’s been to keep myself from thinking about you? From fantasizing about your sexy freckles … to keep my hands to myself when you’re right there, looking so damned hot all the time?”
He leans in to kiss me again but stops short, and I’m slightly concerned that he may have just taken my virginity without even touching me.
“I’m sorry. I think all that pent-up attraction from the past few months is hitting me at once. And if we keep going, I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop,” he warns me, his voice rough and his fingers digging into my sides beneath the hem of my shirt. “At least, not unless you ask me to.”
“Then don’t,” I say softly and brush my lips over his again.
“I need you to set some boundaries,” he pleads between kisses. “Now, before I push you too far, especially while we’re home alone with nothing and no one to stop us.”
“And what if I’ve changed my mind? What if I don’t want to wait?—”
He stops abruptly. “You finish that offer, and I’m not touching you again. Do you understand me?” His eyes flash to mine, and I can see the anger and disgust in his expression.
I shrink back into the door frame. “Would it really be so bad for you?”
“I’d never be able to forgive myself if I let you break that vow, much less if I were to put your health and safety at risk by getting you pregnant. So, yes, it would be the worst, the most selfish thing I could do.”
“But even if I got cleared by my doctor to have a baby, you still don’t believe in marriage. So I guess that means we’ll just never have a physical relationship?” I fire back.
His sighs, softening his expression. “Hey, I’m working on it, okay? You told me you’d give me some time to wrap my head around all this, and it hasn’t even been twenty-four hours,” he reminds me, ironically sounding much more composed than I do at the moment.
I frown. He’s right. I did promise him that much. “Okay.”
He locks his eyes onto mine. “Full transparency?”
I nod, furrowing my brow, and he brings a hand up to my cheek. “I wasn’t lying when I told you sex has never been very meaningful for me. But this already feels different. And even though I know it can’t happen right away, I think I’m already nervous because I want to make it perfect for you. I’m sure you’ve had plenty of time to imagine what it’ll be like, and I’m worried I won’t live up to your expectations.”
“And I told you that I don’t have any expectations,” I reply, though it’s not completely true. Because he’s been the only man my imagination casts in that role for some time now.
He ignores me, his chest rising and falling as he continues gazing down at me with a stormy look on his face. “I’m also afraid of hurting you. You know, physically.”
I force a smile, though I feel a bit like a melted popsicle. “I’ve spent my whole life being handled like I was breakable. You’re the first person to treat me like an adult, and the only one who doesn’t sugarcoat everything just to spare me. I can’t have you going soft on me now.”
His throat bobs as he leans down to kiss me again. “Daisy?” he asks when he pulls away.
“Hmm?” I can’t even open my eyes at this point.
“I think I was wrong when I assumed it would bother you—the fact that I haven’t saved myself the way you have. But you like that I know what I’m doing, don’t you? You like that I’m older and more experienced.”
“Maybe,” I barely get out. I’m also having a difficult time staying on my feet, and I’m afraid I might slump down the wall like that slushy popsicle sliding off its stick.
His mouth curls up into a cocky smirk. “And having a husband who’s confident and trustworthy but who’s also not afraid to get a little rough with you ... that turns you on, doesn’t it, Blondie?”
My stomach swoops. “Yes. I like it,” I whisper. Okay, so it’s more like a whimper at this point. But Landry would rather eat a popsicle without the stick anyway, right?
He stares down at me and licks his lips before his expression shifts unexpectedly. “Nuh-uh.” He shakes his head and backs away slightly. “I’m … I’ve gotta …” Then he clears his throat and puts a few feet of space between us.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, frowning.
“Big Bad Wolf,” he chokes out, poking himself in the chest. “I’m going to lock myself in my room. Please don’t follow me.”
I follow orders and stay behind, stifling a grin and studying his bubble butt as I watch him scamper off to his own bedroom.