Chapter 64
“Sorry our celebration is a bit belated,” Mr. Korgy says, reaching his glass out to clink mine.
“It’s fine, I’m glad it worked out,” I say, reaching mine out to clink his.
And we clink and we sip and we smile and I pretend that I don’t have déjà vu.
Sure, there’s the distinction of celebrating my graduation, but the rest of the outing feels oddly reminiscent of the way things were before—waiting five days for him to have a pocket of time long enough that he could drive to a town far enough so we could go to a restaurant obscure enough that we wouldn’t run the risk of anyone recognizing him.
Isn’t “I love you” supposed to mean something?
I took it as a new development that might lead to a tangible shift in our dynamic.
What kind of shift, I don’t know. But something.
I assumed that by admitting he loved me, he was committing to me in some new way.
I assumed love translated to me having more access to him.
To some new level our intimacy could reach.
Or at least a few more hours together here and there.
But now I see it was just that…an assumption.
He never said he’d have more time for me.
Or that he’d try harder to make some for me.
Or that he’d commit to me in any kind of new, more meaningful way.
He only said that he loved me. Maybe it was just something he needed to get off his chest.
“Well thanks for being so understanding,” he says.
The life drains from my eyes and a prickly sensation trickles down my spine. Last time he said this, I doubted him. Doubted that he was actually complimenting me and not just conditioning me, trying to reinforce a behavior that made his life easier. This time, I’m sure of it.