Hall Pass Fridays (Necessary Temptations #1)

Chapter 1

The Friday Before

The unspoken words between us burned as I followed Neil into the house. His shoulders were stiff, his steps heavy. The energy behind his silence made my hands sweat.

I paused at the door to remove my shoes. Taking off my shoes immediately hadn’t been a habit until we’d moved in together, but he’d insisted. I knew better than to argue when he felt so strongly about something.

Staring after his retreating back, I took a breath. “Your parents shouldn’t have brought it up again,” I said softly.

“Don’t you think I know that?” Neil stalked past the couch toward the kitchen. “It’s not like I have any control over them, Hailey. Don’t act like I do.”

My footsteps paused near the dining room table, my hand gripping the back of a chair.

I watched him over the island as he reached for a glass, filling it with water.

“I wasn’t acting like that. It’s not like this is new.

For the past twelve years we’ve been together, they’ve been asking when we’re getting married. ”

Neil drained the glass. “I know.”

His softer tone let some of the tension coiled in my stomach unwind.

“Then why were you so upset by it tonight?” If anyone should be upset, it should be me.

It was my birthday dinner, after all. His parents had been taking me out for my birthday ever since my foster parents passed away.

They never took me out on my actual birthday but on whatever day was most convenient.

This time it had been two weeks later, since his father had to travel for work.

It was still a nice gesture. For the first ten years of my life, my birthday had gone uncelebrated.

I’d barely even remembered what day it was.

When I’d been placed with the most loving couple I could have imagined, my birthday had been more than celebrated.

The Millers made such a big deal out of it, I’d felt embarrassed, but there’d been a giddiness to being the center of attention as well.

Now that they were gone, birthdays didn’t feel the same.

“My parents wouldn’t keep bringing up marriage if you would shut them down,” Neil said, his green eyes latching on me.

“Me?” I asked, my hand clenching on the chair back. “It’s not my place. They’re your parents.”

“You’ve known them for almost twenty years, Hailey,” Neil said, exasperation filling his voice. “That makes them practically your parents, too.”

It didn’t, not really. I bit my lip, my eyes growing warm.

“I mean, before we were even together, you were my best friend. We were over at each other’s houses all the time.

You know them, and you usually know just what to say to keep them from being upset.

” His hands rested on the island as he leaned on it.

“So why do you act like a deer in headlights every time they bring up us marrying?”

I lifted my eyes to his again. “Because anything I say will prove you’ve been lying.”

He froze, his arms tensing.

“You keep telling them I’m the one who doesn’t want to get married.

That after all my experiences growing up, I don’t believe in it.

They keep pushing because they know that’s not true!

” I couldn’t count how many times as a child I’d mentioned my dream of having a family, my family, one I chose for myself.

My foster parents were lovely people, but they were much older, their health turning frailer each year I was with them.

I knew they’d be gone before I was ready, and all I’d wanted was a family to hold on to for longer.

“Let’s not do this.” Neil sighed as he came around the island toward me. His hands lifted to my shoulders, his thumbs rubbing circles that normally soothed me. “You don’t really want to talk about this, do you?”

I looked into his face, the one that was even more familiar than my own.

He had sandy-blond hair, similar to my color, but his held a bit of curl while mine hung long and straight.

His green eyes had striations of brown that could only ever be seen from this close, a brown that also matched my own.

It had always seemed like we fit together, like pieces of a puzzle.

Ever since he’d walked up to me when I was ten and asked me to swing with him on the playground, he’d held a part of my heart. I’d never stayed in one place long enough to have a friend before, but suddenly I had my foster parents and him. Now there was just him.

“Maybe I do want to talk about it,” I whispered, the words burning my throat. No, I didn’t. Did I? This was going to be too hard. I’d been avoiding this talk for nearly twelve years, ever since our friendship had turned into something more.

He sighed, releasing me. “Fine. Come on, let’s sit.” Instead of moving to the couch, where we spent most of our time, even eating dinners on TV trays, he pulled out a dining room chair for me.

I sat, watching him move around to sit across from me. The wood grain of the table made his hands seem paler as he set them on top, clasping them together. Our positions felt more like a business meeting than a conversation about our future.

“Are you sure about this? We can wait to talk,” he offered, his tone soothing. Like I was a frightened child.

My hands mimicked his, but my shoulders lifted toward my ears. “I think we’ve waited long enough, don’t you?”

He reluctantly nodded, licking his lips, one of his few nervous habits. “You know I love you. I’ll always love you. But with how things have been, I can’t picture marrying you, Hailey. You should understand why.”

I bit the inside of my cheek, tasting blood. My eyes dropped to the table. “Sex isn’t everything.”

“Between a married couple? Come on, Hails. Not even you believe that.” His hands lifted, his arms folding over his chest. If I looked up at his face now, it’d likely hold that stubborn jut to his jaw.

I used to like to run my fingers over it when it got taut like that, teasing the tension out of him.

When was the last time I’d done that? When was the last time I’d instigated any type of touch between us? My shoulders pulled tighter.

“I mean, you should be even more upset about this. You’re the one who never orgasms. How do you think that makes me feel, that I can never get you there?”

My eyes closed to keep the burning moisture within. Every time he said it like that, I felt more broken.

“We fit everywhere else, but we don’t fit when it comes to sex. And you’re not even trying anymore. When we have sex lately, it feels like you’re putting up with it, not enjoying it.” His hand reached out to rest over my clenched ones. “I deserve better than that. We both do.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I’m not sure how to fix it. I just don’t think I have a very high libido.”

“That’s bullshit,” Neil said, pulling away. “Don’t think I don’t know when you’re using your vibrator. Hell, I started telling you to use it after I finished because I saw you come with it. Your body can orgasm. It just can’t do it with me.”

I took a deeper breath. “Are you breaking up with me?” My voice cracked on the last word, making me feel even more pathetic.

“No! I love you.” His hands came back, enclosing mine. “I don’t want to lose you, but we can’t keep going like this.”

I blinked the heat from my eyes before lifting my head to meet his gaze.

“Are you saying we try to fix it? Like, try new things?” I’d been asking him for more foreplay for a while.

When I’d started masturbating, I quickly learned that I got revved up when I teased myself.

Neil always seemed to be in such a hurry, but he’d get upset and often lose his erection if I asked him to slow down. I’d eventually stopped asking.

“Let’s face it, we’re the blind leading the blind. Losing our virginity to each other might have seemed romantic in theory, but it’s been pretty awful, hasn’t it?”

I cringed every time I remembered our first attempt. We couldn’t have done it right, not when it’d hurt just as much the next two times as well.

“No, we need outside help.” He looked away.

I pulled my hands free as I frowned at him. “What do you mean? Like a sex therapist?”

He blew out a breath. “No. That would be too embarrassing.” His eyes couldn’t quite meet mine. “We should open our relationship for a while.”

“Open it?” Anxiety tightened my chest again. “You mean like… have sex with other people?”

“Yes, exactly.” A flush stained his cheeks. When his eyes met mine, the green almost sparkled. They only looked that way when he got excited. The idea of having sex with someone other than me was turning him on.

My stomach flipped in a sickening way. “I’m not sure I want that.” My hands fidgeted in my lap. It wasn’t that I was uncertain. The idea of being with someone else made me want to hyperventilate.

“Oh, come on, Hailey. Are you honestly going to tell me you haven’t imagined being with anyone else? Before we got together, you were going to lose your virginity to that other guy. Logan, wasn’t it?”

I tried not to think about Logan. He’d been sweet but also sexy, especially when I went to watch his band play in his garage.

I’d hurt him when I broke things off, but when Neil had admitted his feelings, I’d been too scared to lose his friendship to turn him down.

Neil was the one person meant to be in my life forever. I’d always known that.

“Admit it. You’re not thinking of me every time you touch yourself, are you?” He snorted, brushing at his jaw. “I mean, I don’t always think of you.”

His admission hurt. He was wrong. I’d always thought about him, but I’d imagined him touching me in all the ways I’d only dreamed about. The ways we could never quite get right together.

He leaned on the table, drawing my gaze back to him.

“It’s okay. I’m not mad or anything. This is exactly why we should explore.

” He huffed a laugh. “I mean, imagine all the skills I’ll learn.

Neither of us knows what we’re doing, but if we learn from others, we’ll come back together stronger.

” His eyes softened as he traced them over my face.

“I’d really love to be the one to make you have an orgasm in the future.

If we could get there, of course marriage would be the next step.

I know you want to get started on that big family you’ve always dreamed about. ”

“I’m not sure,” I said again, still panicking inside. I was supposed to let some other man touch me? Someone I just met?

“It won’t work unless we’re both doing it. I don’t want you to resent me for being with other people,” Neil said, as if it was already a sure thing that he was going to do it.

My mind spun. “What about STIs? And other things?”

“We’ll both promise to use condoms. I mean, birth control has always messed with you, so you’d have to anyway, right?” He waved his hand through the air. “I might suck at sex, but I’ve figured out how to wear a condom correctly.”

“I don’t know. Where would we even find these people? And would we both be bringing them back here?” My eyes scanned the home we’d shared for the last ten years, ever since his grandparents had passed away and left him the house. “That doesn’t feel right.”

He frowned, his gaze also searching the space around him. “No, you’re right. How about we both agree to use hotels? I mean, with what a genius you are at finances, we’ve got plenty of savings.”

My cheeks flushed with the compliment. I worked as a financial planner, and I’d used a lot of my knowledge to make sure we both saved and invested well.

Not having to pay rent had helped. We kept all of our money separate still, since we weren’t married, but I was proud of what we’d both accomplished by the time we were thirty.

Honestly, turning thirty-one had been hard. I did want a lot of kids, and in a few more years, pregnancy would be considered higher risk for me. We were comfortable and stable and in love. Marriage should have been the next step.

But I sucked at sex, and that was a deal-breaker for Neil. That was what he was saying. Unless we do this, it was over.

My hands trembled in my lap, and I pressed my teeth together to keep them from chattering. Neil was all I had. No one knew me the way Neil did.

If I lost him, who would I have in my life?

Besides, he was right. I’d been avoiding having sex with him as much as I could. My body no longer wanted to try. That wasn’t fair to him. He deserved a relationship that was intimate.

I might lose him if we did this. He might realize that sex with someone else, anyone else, was better than sex with me. But I would lose him for sure if we didn’t do this. He’d reached the end of his patience with me after twelve years.

“I really do love you, Hails,” he said, his eyes so hopeful.

I swallowed. “If we do this, maybe we can add some limits? I don’t want to wonder if you’re with someone else every time we’re not together. I don’t think I could handle that.”

“Oh, yeah, that would get weird, wouldn’t it?” He was smiling again. Excited. “How about Fridays only? I read online there’s something called a ‘hall pass.’ It’s a get out of jail free agreement where you’re allowed to cheat. So we’ll have Hall Pass Fridays.”

“Fridays.” One day a week. I could handle that, couldn’t I?

He took my repetition of the word as agreement. “Then it’s settled. A week from now, we’ll both try to hook up with someone else.”

I shook my head. “I can’t meet someone that fast. It’s been so long since I’ve even looked at anyone else. And what would I tell them? That I have a boyfriend, so we couldn’t get too serious, but I want sex?”

Neil laughed. “You’re underestimating how many guys would like that, but I know you get nervous meeting new people. Don’t worry. I have an idea for the first time. That should ease us into it.”

My eyes searched his face. He had an idea. Did that mean he’d already been thinking about this? For how long?

He stood from the table, moving to my side and squeezing my shoulder. “Thank you, Hailey. I really think this is going to help us.” He moved past me toward our bedroom.

I was already dreading the next Friday. This was going to be a disaster.