Chapter 4
The First Friday
Neil was waiting for me when I got back home, and he was not happy.
“What the hell, Hailey!”
My shoulders tightened as I crossed my arms to face him.
“You refused to sleep with him? That was the whole point of tonight!” He raked his hands through his hair as he began to pace.
“Are you really upset with me for not sleeping with someone else?” I asked.
He jerked to a halt mid-step, whirling around. “Yes! Yes, I am. That was the plan, and we both knew it.”
“I’m not going to sleep with someone just because I’m told to.” I hated that my voice wobbled saying it. I knew I wasn’t wrong, but still, I was worried about upsetting him. “That would make you my pimp, Neil, not my boyfriend.”
His mouth dropped open, and he looked away. “That’s not what it was,” he mumbled.
“That’s how it felt from my side.” My hands rubbed over my arms. “Look, Victor didn’t feel right to me. I don’t know where you found him, but he was a jerk.”
Neil winced. “Yeah, he kind of was. He made me nervous when he burst into the hotel room Lexi and I were in. His anger was something else.”
“And you’re still mad I didn’t sleep with him?” I asked, the reality of it twisting my stomach into knots.
“Well, I doubt he would have acted so mad if you’d slept with him,” Neil said.
“You’re unbelievable.” I stomped toward our room before pausing. “You’re only upset because he interrupted you with Lexi.”
“We hadn’t even gotten that far,” Neil admitted. “And it was weird for me, being naked when Victor burst in. I mean, she hadn’t even gotten naked yet. She was too busy focusing on me.”
I turned toward him, my lips pressed together. I told myself not to say anything. All I’d be doing would be making the fight bigger.
The bubble of resentment wasn’t going down, though. “Are you serious right now?”
He frowned, his forehead creasing. “What?”
“This is all about you, isn’t it? You’re only thinking of yourself.”
“Come on, Hailey. That’s not fair.”
“Not fair! We’ve been together twelve years, Neil. Twelve years of having sex. How many times have you come in that time?”
“Well, I mean, a lot less in the past year.”
I held up a hand. “I don’t want to hear it! I can tell you my count. Zero with a partner. Zero with you.”
He flinched away from me, his jaw setting stubbornly. “And whose fault is that? Your body doesn’t fucking work, Hailey!”
I lost my breath at the anger that seethed out of him.
“I tried, okay? I really did try for a while, but you kept telling me to stop or that it didn’t feel right or that it wasn’t doing anything for you. What did you expect from me?” He moved closer, his eyes blazing. “I tried, dammit!”
It was like a weight settled around me, trying to smother me. “Fine. It’s all me.”
He blinked, biting his lip and looking away. “God. No, that’s not—” He wrapped his arms around his stomach. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. It’s just been frustrating, you know? I want to make my girlfriend orgasm. I feel pathetic for not doing it.”
Words pushed against my lips, ones I had said so often. That it wasn’t his fault. That I didn’t blame him for it. That all I wanted was to feel close to him. I swallowed, lowering my eyes to the floor, where I noticed I still wore my shoes in the house.
“I don’t believe you.”
His head lifted. “What?”
“I don’t believe you.” It came out stronger the second time, and I lifted my head. “If learning how to pleasure a woman, to pleasure me, was really what you cared about most, you wouldn’t have been the only one naked when Victor burst in. You would have already been focused on her.”
He shook his head. “That’s not what she wanted. What was I supposed to do, tell her no?”
“I don’t know. All I know is you were with a second woman finally, but you didn’t make her orgasm either.”
His cheeks paled. “That doesn’t count. We didn’t even have sex! And anyway, I didn’t come either. And whose fault is that?”
“You’re blaming me?”
“I mean, Victor wouldn’t have been there if it weren’t for you. You were the one who failed here.”
I stepped forward, glaring at him. “Let me say this again. I get to decide who I do or do not have sex with. Me. Nobody else!” I jabbed a finger into his chest. “Not you!”
He lifted his hands. “You’re right, okay? I’m just—” He groaned. “I’m just frustrated! I really wanted tonight to work.” He moved to the couch, sinking down on it, his head bent and his arms dangling between his knees.
“I wanted it to work, too,” I said, even though it didn’t ring true. I moved to him, sitting. “But we can’t force this, Neil. Just like we can’t force a marriage neither of us are sure about.”
“So you admit you’re not sure either?” he asked, his head lifting.
“I admit it.” I sighed, rubbing my temple. “I think I’ve been lying to myself about not caring about sex.”
“Yeah, no kidding. Did you really want me to feel guilty for coming?”
It sounded ridiculous out loud. “Not exactly.”
He frowned, facing forward again. “It sucks. I thought this would help things, but we’re worse off today than we were before the whole birthday dinner thing.”
“Maybe, but we’re being more honest, too.” I sighed. “Next week can’t be as bad as this was.”
“You’re willing to try again?”
I hesitated, then nodded. “Some good came of this. I liked going to The Muse. They have live music there.”
“Is that why you’re so late?” His eyes darted back to me, then away.
“It’s not that late,” I defended, though I’d stayed through the break the band took to listen longer.
“It’s close to midnight. Victor showed up at the hotel almost two hours ago.” He straightened, resting back against the couch. “What were you doing all that time?”
“I just told you. Listening to live music.” I frowned. “Why? What are you trying to say?”
“Nothing. It’s just… Victor might have mentioned the bartender. Said you two seemed too friendly.”
“Jack?” I asked, feeling a bump of adrenaline from saying his name.
Neil’s eyes narrowed on me. “You even know his name?”
“He’s the owner, not just the bartender. He kind of kicked Victor out?” It came out as a question, since what had happened hadn’t been as dramatic as that.
“Victor was being that awful?”
I shrugged, my thighs pressing together as I remembered Victor’s last words. “Saying he asked him to leave is probably a better description, but other people noticed. Jack made sure I was okay after.” Sean had, too, but I doubted Neil would like to hear me say yet another man’s name.
Neil’s arms folded over his chest. “I should have been the one to do that. You’re right. Tonight I was only thinking about me.”
Exhaustion settled over me. “I really did like the bar. Despite what happened, I felt safe there. Maybe we can go back next week?”
“Yeah, we can do that. We could try to pick out people for each other in person next time.”
I’d meant more like a date, but that was stupid. Neil wanted to do this whole hall pass thing. He wasn’t ready to give up yet, though I was even less sure.
He reached over for my hand. “We’ll start with finding someone you’re comfortable with, of course. I don’t want you to think this is all about me.”
“Okay,” I agreed, even though I couldn’t imagine anyone I’d be comfortable enough with. At least Sean and Jack would be there in case it went wrong again.
Neil squeezed my hand and bumped his shoulder into mine. “You know, it’s not my fault I come every time you touch me. You’re so good at it.”
I shook my head. “I’m not.”
“Seriously, Hailey. Listening to you talk about what gets me off made me hot.”
Hot enough for him to leave with Lexi. I bit my lip, staring down at my hands.
“Even at the hotel, I was thinking about you. About how you touch me.” His thumb stroked over my palm. “Could you touch me like that tonight?”
I pulled my hand away, standing up. “I’m going to pretend you didn’t ask me that.”
“Come on, Hailey. It’s been a while, and I got all worked up tonight. It doesn’t have to be a blow job. If you could—”
“Take care of it yourself,” I muttered, stomping toward the bedroom.
“Wait, are you wearing your shoes in the house?”
I slammed the bedroom door shut behind me.