Chapter 10 #2
I remained quiet, finishing my own coffee.
“Have you?” Neil asked.
My hands tightened around my empty mug. “Have I what?”
“Have you orgasmed with any of the men you’ve been with?”
A rushing filled my ears as I stared at the light-brown residue in my cup.
“Oh shit.” His tone softened. “You still haven’t?”
I couldn’t let him think that. “I haven’t had sex with anyone else.”
“What?” The word snapped out of him. He straightened. “You really hate sex so much you haven’t hooked up at all?”
“I don’t hate sex!” I shouted, glaring at him. “Stop saying that.”
“Well, you sure as hell don’t want to do it with me. It’s been months!”
I let the mug snap down on the counter. “Ask your last hookup why.” I moved past him toward the bedroom.
“Really, Hailey? You think that’s okay to throw at me?” His voice broke, and I froze.
I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment. Then I turned to face him. “No. I’m sorry. I just don’t like you throwing my inability to orgasm in my face.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry, too.” Neil took a breath, his wobbling chin firming. “I’m not okay with what you said, though. You really haven’t done anything with anyone?”
I shook my head. “It just hasn’t worked out. I didn’t like Victor, and then after what the second guy did, I’ve been a little nervous.”
Neil’s eyebrows drew together. “What did the second guy do? You mean the guy I picked out for you at the bar?”
“Oh, no, he wasn’t interested. I met someone on the app the week after, and he—” My throat grew tight as my heart thudded in my ears.
I’d thought that incident would haunt me, but it was more like I’d pushed it from my mind.
Now it snuck up on me all over again. “His kiss was aggressive. I didn’t like being pushed like that. ”
“That makes sense. You wouldn’t like someone who went too fast.” Neil was nodding. “Sounds like he made you uncomfortable.”
“Yeah,” I said, for once not trying to explain it away as just a kiss. “It made me more cautious, that’s all. Last night was going well, though.”
“And then I showed up.” Neil winced.
“It’s okay. I’m not sure I would have left with him anyway.” I still couldn’t quite picture myself going off somewhere with a stranger.
“You need to sleep with someone else, Hailey. Otherwise, I’m a cheating dirtbag.” He sighed. “You can’t do that to me. We agreed, this was going to be both of us.”
My arms wrapped around my torso. “I’m trying. I’ll keep trying.”
“What if I helped again?” he offered.
I eyed him. He was smiling, nearly bouncing on his feet. Was he that eager to help me sleep with someone who wasn’t him? “I don’t know,” I hedged, feeling on edge. He hadn’t helped at all the two times he’d been with me.
“Let me help. I had an idea I wanted to run by you anyway.” He waved his hand toward the couch. “Let’s sit.”
I moved over to the couch, settling on my end and turning to face him. He looked way too chipper for someone with a hangover.
“The hookup last night was harsh, but one thing she said I’d heard from two of the others as well. You remember Natasha?”
I nodded. I still occasionally glanced at the texts she’d sent. There was something soothing about reading someone else saying they understand my complaints about my sex life.
“She told me straight out I needed to learn how to do oral.” His face flooded with color again. “With a couple of the others outright asking for it, I’m starting to feel like I really do need to learn.”
My hands felt clammy. “Are you asking to go down on me as practice?” My stomach lurched. Oral sex. The thing I’d been asking him to do for a while now, my top fantasy, and I didn’t want it anymore. Not like this. He’d be doing it only to learn for other women.
“What? No, I don’t want to—” His flush deepened, and he looked away from me. “I mean, that would be the blind leading the blind again, don’t you think?”
My breath rasped in my chest. “What then? What are you wanting?”
He turned back to face me, licking his lips nervously. “I want to watch someone else go down on you.”
My mind went blank. I couldn’t process it. He wanted to watch someone else have sex with me? I wouldn’t want that. I didn’t like picturing him with other people at all.
“It’s not as weird as it sounds.” Neil spoke faster now. “Some guys are really into being with someone while their husband or boyfriend watch. They call it cuckolding.”
My chest ached, and I felt lightheaded. Was I not breathing? I sucked in air, the pull of it too loud in my ears.
“It’d solve your problem, too,” Neil said. “You said you were nervous. Having me there would make you feel safer, wouldn’t it?”
I shook my head, more trying to wrap my head around it than in denial.
His jaw tightened. “I need you to be with someone else, Hailey. And this way, he can teach me how to do oral, too.”
“This is too much.”
He shifted closer. “It’s not a big deal. I’ve always wanted to see what you looked like when you orgasmed. After this, maybe I’ll be able to put that expression there, too. I promise to learn everything I can.”
I still wasn’t sure about the idea. Which was ridiculous. Hadn’t I admitted to Jack and Sean that I wanted someone to go down on me? Sean had even offered.
My mind snagged on the idea. Sean said he’d do it. What if I took him up on the offer? Would he hate the idea of Neil being there? “Let me ask him,” I mumbled.
“Ask who? Wait, you’re not talking about that bartender, are you?” Neil’s eyes narrowed on me.
“Jack?” I asked, startled by the idea. Saying his name caused tingles to chase over my arms.
“You can’t do that. You can’t have sex with someone we know,” Neil said, his voice hard.
“What?” My eyes snapped to his.
“That was one of our rules, wasn’t it? Hookups only. If we do something sexual with someone we know, it’ll make things awkward.”
We’d been talking about our friend circle. People we both knew and would encounter again. Jack and Sean hadn’t been my friends then.
“I mean, if you want to sleep with him, I guess you can, but then you’d have to stop going back to that bar.” Neil shrugged. “But I don’t think he’d want me there. That man doesn’t like me.”
I stared down at my hands. Even Sean was probably pretty pissed at him for the night before, if he hadn’t disliked him already.
“No, let me find someone for us. I’ll handle everything this time, Hails.” He smiled at me. “All you’ll have to do is meet them with me, and then you can experience something you’ve been asking for.” His hand reached out for mine, squeezing it. “Say yes.”
I stared down at where our hands touched. “Okay,” I said, my voice shaking a little, but he was right. This was something I’d been dreaming about for a long time. The dream had just always been with Neil alone.