CHAPTER SIXTEEN
I had always been my own worst enemy.
The moment I entered the world, loneliness haunted me like a ghost summoned to a Ouija board—only there because I allowed it. And so, I pulled out my mother’s journal, knowing all that it would bring me was pain.
There were nights I contemplated burning it, watching it transform to nothing but ash and dust. But then there were nights where I was drawn to the memories of my mother, craving her presence even if only through words.
Augustus is a nightmare.
Meals he loved only a week ago now lay untouched on his plate, his stubbornness wasting Marcus’ hard-earned money.
He talks back, questioning everything…even God.
The other night, as we sat cuddled on the couch, he asked how to know whether he was awake or dreaming. There is something wrong with him.
And there is a violence in him when he doesn’t get his way. Doors slam, holes appear in walls, hateful words spill from his lips.
He draws pictures of monsters and lies in an attempt to manipulate me. Just the other night, when I took away his crayons and pencils, he looked me in the eye and said, ‘You act like you’ve never been bad, too.’
Nightmares plague him every night, the Devil invoking such fear that he calls out my name. When I come to him, he is asleep with his eyes wide open, eyes as black as night.
I love my son more than anything, but the Devil is fighting for his soul, and I must fight back.
I will not give up on him. I will fight until the very end to bring him with me into the Kingdom of Heaven with the Lord, our God.
I slammed the book shut. My own worst enemy—inviting pain I should have long since buried.
People like my mother lied. They made promises they didn't keep. I didn’t blame them. It was only a matter of time before they uncovered the truth, before they realised I was a snake wearing the wrong skin, an actor behind a mask.
You must understand that everything was—is—my own fault. I had opportunities to cease being alone, but I was incapable of grasping onto them. Maybe, deep down, I wanted to be on my own. It was easier than being disappointed, let down.
Summer came and went. I spent all of it alone, in my room, ignoring messages from Ava asking if I wanted to go to the beach with her and Eden, or join them on a camping trip, or come over for a horror movie marathon. I did not want to be a sympathy invite, so I pushed her away.
Auden insisted on keeping me company, face buried in a book on one side of the bed while I curled up on the other, staring blankly at my bedroom wall.
I couldn’t move. I could barely eat. Nothing convinced me to leave my bed. I just had no energy.
And then summer ended, and fear enveloped me in a cage only I had the key to. But I never unlocked it.
My own worst enemy.
***
I walked through the school gates with Auden by my side. Pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, he looked around with wide eyes, no doubt in awe at how much larger this school was compared to his former one.
With a gentle hand on his upper back, I guided him toward his form room, answering all his questions along the way. His hands were fluttering wildly in front of his chest as we neared his classmates. When I caught them staring, I moved to shield him from their judgemental gazes.
“You remember where to find me at recess and lunch if you need me?” I asked just as the bell rang.
Auden nodded enthusiastically, eyes darting in between me and his classroom. “The art block!"
My heart ached. Despite everything we had both been through, we had made it to this moment. My baby brother, all grown up. He was in secondary school, he was using his words confidently, and he was excited to learn. I was proud of him, like a father might be proud of their own son.
“I have to go inside now,” he said, jerking his head toward his peers who were piling inside the classroom.
With a quick nod, I let him go. But it was hard, letting him face the world alone.
Maybe I clung onto Auden so much because I wanted him to be everything I wasn’t.
Maybe I saw a future for him that I knew I could never have.
I was afraid that if I wasn't there to guide him, he would fall and never get up.
But Auden was strong—much stronger than I had ever been—and I needed to trust him.
I was late to my own form room, but I wasn’t the only one. Alexander and I almost collided as we stepped through the door. His elbow pressed against my ribs, and I shot him a look. He returned it with a smirk.
Ava was in her usual seat, though it took me a moment to recognise her. Her black hair was up in two braids leading to a low bun, the strands of curls framing her face dyed a pale purple, which was against school rules. Not to mention the nose and lip piercing.
I sat down beside her with a quiet ‘hello’ of which she returned without looking up from her phone.
We had barely spoken over the summer, and I knew that if we had any chance of rekindling our friendship, I needed to let go of my grudge and act like nothing was wrong.
“You got piercings,” I said, “they look good.”
Ava seemed to brighten enough to look up. “Thanks. I already have a detention because of them.”
I snorted. “That’s when you know you look good.”
“Damn straight,” she grinned.
Throughout the day, Ava and I exchanged brief conversations in between classes, and for a while, I had hope that things would improve between us. But then…there was Eden. Always hovering. Always a thorn in my side, piercing through flesh until it bit into bone.
Within seconds of the bell ringing for recess, Eden appeared out of nowhere and threw her arms around Ava, smothering her with kisses.
Rolling my eyes, I announced that I was heading to the art rooms, but neither of them followed. They were, most likely, going to have lunch with Eden’s friends.
I tried to convince myself it didn’t matter now that I had Auden—now that I wasn't alone. But the hurt remained. It was hard being so easily dismissed by someone who had once made you feel like the centre of their world.
Auden was waiting by the door when I arrived, and everything in me crumbled at the tears that stained his cheeks, his shattered lenses clutched to his chest. My biggest fear had come to fruition. I wasn't there for him, and he had fallen.
“Who did this to you?!” I demanded as I crouched down in front of him, wiping away his tears with the sleeve of my blazer.
“I did.”
I turned, slowly, rage reddening my vision as I settled my gaze on Alexander. Not too long ago he had said he wanted to be friends, even apologising for being an 'asshole'. And yet here he was, proudly declaring he’d laid a hand on my brother.
“What the fuck did you do to him?!” I snapped as I advanced toward him.
“We played a little game,” Alexander grinned.
I punched him square in the jaw without hesitation, my knuckles groaning at the impact.
Auden inhaled sharply behind me and called my name, but the Devil had taken hold, and I let him.
The Lord said to turn the other cheek, and so I did. I gave Alexander half a second to recover from the first, unexpected blow before my fist met the left, untouched side of his face.
Not sure that is what the Lord meant, but I approve.
He staggered backwards, a string of curse words rolling off his blood-spattered tongue. Auden sniffled behind me, fuelling my rage.
“Apologise,” I demanded, fingers curling around the collar of his shirt. “Apologise. Now.”
Alexander opened his mouth as I forced him to his knees, the loud crunch of bone replacing what words he might have spoken. Tears filled his eyes. I smiled.
“Go to Hell,” he spat.
I gripped either side of his face, tilting his head up to look at me. Seeing him so helpless at my feet brought a level of satisfaction I’d never quite felt before. “If I’m going to Hell,” I whispered, leaning down so my face was mere inches from his. “I’ll be taking you with me.”
I released hold of his face and threw him to the ground, the Devil urging me to slam my foot into his skull.
“Go on,” I encouraged, slowly stepping aside so that Alexander could look Auden in the eye. “Don’t make me ask again.”
Blood dribbling down his chin, Alexander looked up at Auden, pure hatred in his deep-sea green eyes. He looked like a fallen Angel, cast out of Heaven and condemned to the fires of Hell.
I waited, patience growing thin.
“I’m sorry,” Alexander forced out, voice low. “It won’t happen again.”
“No, it won’t,” I agreed. “Because if you dare lay a hand on him again, I will kill you.”
***
Principal Reid’s office looked the same as it had five years ago, when I sat in the same chair I did now.
She had changed, though. Her hair had streaks of grey, the skin around her eyes and mouth loosening. The gentle expression she had worn back then was long gone, her anger and disappointment now lethal.
“Why did you do it?”
“I did not do it for me,” I said.
A pause. “For who, then?”
“For Auden.”
Principal Reid frowned and leaned back in her seat, her eyebrows furrowed as she watched me. “Why?” she repeated.
“Excuse me?”
“Why for Auden?”
My gaze fell to my bruised knuckles, remembering how it had felt to bring Alexander to his knees. I had failed to protect Auden once before, and I intended to never fail him again.
“He’s been through enough as it is,” I answered. “If Alexander had just left him—us—alone, I wouldn’t have hit him.”
Principal Reid clicked her tongue. “You’re suspended, Mr Saint.
For a week. I suggest you use this time to reflect on what your priorities are.
You’re a high achiever, your marks are exceptional, and I can see you doing exceptionally well.
But your behaviour is a hindrance to both yourself, and the school.
” She pinned me with a look. “Think carefully about how you wish to proceed when you return.”
I met her gaze unflinchingly. “And Alexander? What is his punishment?”
“You should concern yourself with your own punishment,” she said. “You’re dismissed.”
***
Ava messaged me that night, asking what happened. I recounted everything whilst my body soaked in a vanilla scented bathtub, heat fogging up the mirror so I wouldn’t have to endure my devilish reflection.
‘You should have just walked away,’ Ava replied, ‘now you’re suspended during an important academic year.’
‘He hurt Auden,’ I wrote back, ‘I wasn’t just going to let that go. I’m not sorry for what I did.’
‘How about next time you just come to me?’ Ava asked. ‘I could have helped without getting you suspended.’
‘Lol. How can I come to you when you’re always with Eden?’ I added a laughing emoji to indicate it was a joke, though I would be lying if I said there was no truth to it.
‘I’m not?’
‘You are.’
‘You can spend time with us too.’
‘And be a third wheel? No thanks.’
At this stage, I knew I should have put my phone away before things escalated beyond my control, but I was already heated with everything that happened with Alexander that I just had to release all my bottled emotions.
‘No one said you had to be a third wheel,’ Ava replied, ‘Eden has friends you could get to know.’
‘I’d rather die than be friends with sports people.’
‘Wow.’
‘What?’
‘It’s kind of fucked that you’re insulting my girlfriend and her friends.’
‘It’s actually more fucked that your whole world revolves around Eden and you completely forget everyone else.’
Ava responded with a simple ‘k’ and I released a frustrated sigh as I shut off my phone and closed my eyes, surrendering to the warmth of the water. I sunk lower, and lower, until my head submerged completely under.
A crushing weight pinned me down, the smell of rotting meat and decay infiltrating my nostrils.
My eyes snapped open, the Devil’s face inches from mine. His shadowed limbs macerated my chest, the bathroom light flickering to the rhythm of his manic laughter.
Snakes slithered in the water, tangling themselves around my arms and legs. Their fangs pierced my flesh, blood seeping into the soap caressing my skin.
Be still, Augustus.
Rodents crawled over the Devil’s shoulders, dropping one by one to land on my chest. Pain exploded as teeth tore into my skin, claws shedding through muscle and tissue without restraint.
I screamed, but all I produced were soundless bubbles. The Devil’s fingers caressed my face almost tenderly as more rats spilled over his shoulders to gnaw at my flesh. They swarmed my torso, burrowing beneath my rib cage as my organs spilled into the water.
Don’t fight it, the Devil whispered as bloodied water clouded my vision, this is your baptism.