CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
“I want to study Psychology,” I announced at breakfast.
Auden nodded enthusiastically while he chewed on dry toast, ever the supportive little shadow.
“Psychology is quite a broad field," Aunt Vera said as she lowered her teacup. "What would you like to do with a psychology degree? Become a psychiatrist?”
“Yes, I think so,” I answered, reaching for my glass of water.
“What spurred that decision?” she asked. She was watching me, closely, as if searching for something.
“I have an interest in the human mind and behaviour,” I said, avoiding her gaze. “I have a lot of questions I want to answer.”
"Well, there is good money to be made in Psychiatry. Society is…increasingly unwell.”
“So, do you approve?"
"I do."
Relief flooded through me, shoulders dropping as a long breath escaped my throat. "I'll start applying, then."
***
University applications were a nightmare. They were several pages long, littered with repetitive questions, and required a personalised letter alongside my current grades, and infuriatingly, my work experience—that of which I didn't have.
Final exams were approaching, and the stress was building.
The fear of failure was a ghoul clawing through my chest. My memory, which had once been so clear, was failing me with every practice question I slaved away at.
It became a very real possibility that I would fail and not be accepted into any university, prestigious or not.
The anxiety had me crying myself to sleep, the idea of failing after years of success more traumatic than having my own mother try to exorcise me.
I knew that compared to some of my classmates, I had no reason to cry.
My grades were high, and I’d basically secured full marks for my final visual arts project. Yet that self-doubt remained.
“You need to eat,” Auden said from my bedroom doorway the night before my first exam. He was in his dressing gown, headphones around his neck and a book tucked under his arm. “There is food downstairs. Mrs Brighton says it will go cold soon.”
“I’m not hungry,” I murmured.
“But you have an exam tomorrow,” Auden frowned, entering the room to stand behind my desk, his shadow darkening the pages of my notebook. “You can’t go into the exam hungry.”
“I can’t stomach food right now,” I sighed.
“How about a drink, then? I can make you some chocolate milk.”
I knew Auden just wanted to help, so even though I didn’t particularly feel like a hot chocolate, I nodded, watching him hurry out of the room with purpose.
When he returned, I gave him a grateful smile and took a small sip while he made himself comfortable on my bed, a book open on his lap. I didn’t mind his company. In fact, it seemed to settle my racing heartbeat and ease the choir of self-doubt corrupting my mind.
That night, no tears followed me into my dreams.
***
Silence swallowed the examination hall, the only sound the tap, tap, tap of an examiner’s heels as she walked up and down the rows of desks, students with their heads down, hands curled around their pens.
English literature was my second-best subject behind visual arts, and despite my lack of confidence going in, the questions aroused a mountain of knowledge that spilled onto the page with ease. I quoted the metaphors, analysed their meaning, and linked the overall themes back to the question.
By the time the exam was over, my wrist ached and my head pounded with exhaustion.
As we all emerged from the hall, chaos ensued. Students compared their answers, chatting about how ridiculous the stimuli were, and cheered because their first exam was over.
I had no one to celebrate with. My eyes drifted toward Ava who was in a circle of girls, all talking loudly about the Macbeth quotes they used for the second essay. I wanted to ask Ava how she did, but I couldn’t bring myself to walk over knowing that she had not once looked for me in the crowd.
The next exam was the same. I finished fifteen minutes early, read over everything twice, and left the hall without a word to anyone. No one asked me how I did, no one asked me to compare answers, no one acknowledged me at all.
***
Summer came and went in a flash. I worked part time at a local grocery store, stocking shelves and serving at the counter. It was boring, and I was often subjected to unnecessary verbal abuse, but it helped me save up money for university.
As soon as I received my exam results, the offers came flooding in.
Some with scholarships, some without. I decided on Dawnridge University, a reputable school with a thoroughly funded Psychology department.
My first year would be covered by a scholarship, the second year dependent on my overall grade.
But, like most things in life, there was a downside. I’d have to leave Cambridge.
“You can stay on campus,” Great Aunt Vera told me. “Or you can rent a unit nearby and commute to school.”
“But what about Auden?”
Aunt Vera looked puzzled for a moment and when she opened her mouth to speak, she was cut off by her phone ringing.
I sighed, returning to my laptop to search for affordable accommodation while the Devil hovered behind me, sharp claws digging into my shoulders.
He made no comments about my acceptance into Dawnridge's psychology degree, nor had he seemed panicked about the move.
There was an unusual sense of calm about him. It was suspicious.
My phone lit up, eyes drifting from an overpriced two-bedroom apartment to a notification from Alexander Parsons.
A friend request. I scoffed. The audacity.
Curious, I clicked on his profile and scoured through his most recent posts, finger hovering above a photo of him with his acceptance letter from Oxford University.
I slumped back in my chair, disappointment and envy wrapping around me as I stared at the Oxford logo.
I had been rejected, of course. Oxford had been a dream of mine, but it would be Alexander's reality. He beat me—and that was a wound I wasn't sure I could stitch up. It felt like I would be bleeding for eternity.
You just weren't good enough.
***
A week before I was set to leave Cambridge, Auden and I walked along the luscious green grass separating the River Cam from the city's gothic architecture, the summer sun warming our cheeks. We shared a box of chips, chewing quietly while children flew kites around us.
Auden was not thrilled about the move. He was a creature of habit, thriving in the familiar, and a change in environment challenged his sense of safety. I proposed, even though it pained me, that he stayed with Aunt Vera. He refused.
"Your new school looks nice," I said, glancing down at him with a chip raised to my lips.
"Really?"
"Mhm. I looked up some photos." I pulled out my phone to let him swipe through. "The library is huge."
"What about our new place?" he asked.
"It's…nice enough," I said. "Close to public transport. And a bookstore! Isn't that cool?"
Auden brightened at that. "Can we visit the bookstore every day?"
"Of course we can!" I grinned, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, shaking him gently. "I'll even let you buy a book our first day!"
"Thank you, Guses!" he beamed.
I opened my mouth to respond when out of the corner of my eye, I recognised a group of girls from my school year who were seated on a beige picnic rug, plates of food in their hands as they laughed at something one of them had said.
Ava was amongst them, head on Eden's shoulder, giggling. They must have been talking again.
Walk away, Augustus, she doesn't care about you.
Knowing this was probably the last time I would ever see her, I disregarded the Devil’s advice and slowly made my way toward her, hands trembling at my sides.
Ava looked up, and when her eyes met mine, her smile faded and she turned away, pulling Eden in closer.
The rejection was clear. I couldn’t even be angry; it was all my fault.
Averting my gaze, I returned to Auden, leaving behind Ava and all our shared memories.
No one cares about you, little monster. Everyone leaves. At least you understand that now.