CHAPTER THIRTY #2
A round of applause announced the end of our presentation and the nausea that had twisted my insides vanished, replaced with an adrenaline rush that had me ready to take on the world. It was only relief, I knew, but it was a feeling I would chase forever.
Nathaniel received several claps on the back as we returned to our seats, smiling from ear-to-ear as he tossed his flashcards into his satchel without reverence. He leaned back, shoulders slumped, clearly as relieved as I was that it was all over.
"You did great," I whispered as the next pair stepped up onto the stage.
"You too," he whispered back.
He's lying.
I swallowed hard and shifted in my seat, forcing my gaze forward. The Devil was right. If Nathaniel hadn't completely captivated the room, my poor performance would have cost us a high mark. It would have been all my fault.
It doesn't matter. You won't see him again anyway. What reason will you have to spend time together now that your assignment is over?
I hadn't considered that until now. But it was true. Nathaniel and I had only spent time together because of the assignment. But now…there was no reason for us to see each other outside of lectures. I would return to being alone.
You will always be alone, little monster. You should know that by now.
***
Miserable. That was how I felt all the way home, Nathaniel appearing behind my closed eyelids every time I blinked.
His dimpled smile, his brown doe-like eyes, his long lashes, his ensemble of knitted vests.
I had no right to feel this way when I was the one who refused his offer of friendship, but it hit me, with the threat of never seeing him again, that I'd already considered him a friend.
And now…I had no reason to reach out to him. No excuse to worm my way into his life.
As if I’d summoned him with my thoughts, my phone rang, Nathaniel’s name lighting up the screen.
“Hello?”
“Hey, what are you doing tomorrow?”
I blinked, slowly, debating my answer. “Why?”
“Are you working?”
“Why?”
“Let’s do something.”
“What—"
“Just us.”
My stomach flipped at those two words. Just us. I bit my lip, fighting back a smile that threatened to chase away my scowl. He wanted to spend time with me. Just us.
“Augustus? You there?”
"Uh, yeah, yeah." I cleared my throat, running a hand over my face as I tried to ease my fluttering heart. "I'm free. To do something. Tomorrow. Free to do something tomorrow."
"Great!"
"What uh…what were you thinking?”
“It’s a surprise."
“A surprise?”
“I can't wait!”
“Nathaniel, what are we–”
“I’ll pick you up at twelve,” he spoke over me. "We'll be outside so don't forget sunscreen."
“O–Okay.”
“Perfect! It’s a date!”
***
It’s a date, it’s a date, it's a date.
I stood in front of the free-standing mirror in my bedroom, a towel over the top to hide my face, leaving my body open to inspection.
Adjusting the dark grey collared shirt I’d finished buttoning, sleeves rolled up to my elbows, I debated removing my silver crucifix and instead opted to tuck it beneath my shirt, the top button undone to provide a glimpse of silver chain.
“Where are you going?” Auden asked from the doorway.
It was Saturday, and on the Saturdays I wasn’t working at Browning Books, Auden and I usually watched movies or binged through British crime dramas.
“I’m going out with…a friend,” I said, leaning down to tie my shoelaces and adjust the belt on my loose black trousers.
“Nathaniel?” Auden guessed.
I nodded.
“He’s your friend?”
“Mhm,” I murmured, trying not to take offense to his surprised tone.
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t know, but I’ll be home for dinner,” I promised him.
“You don’t know where you’re going?”
“No idea.” I stepped around him to walk down the hallway, his footsteps trailing after me. “It’s a surprise.”
“A surprise? Why?”
A frustrated sigh nearly escaped my throat until I reminded myself this was Auden, and he was just trying to understand why my Saturday off work would not be spent with him. “I will tell you everything when I get back, okay?”
“Okay.”
I cupped the back of his neck and leaned down to kiss the top of his head. “I’ll see you later.”
Auden gave me a small, weary smile before returning to the living room to watch television alone.
Guilt wrapped its familiar fingers around my throat, clenching my airways as I watched him flick through channels without his usual ‘how about this one?’ and ‘this sounds great.’ I almost cancelled then and there, but as I opened the door to leave, I nearly collided with Nathaniel who had his hand raised to knock on the door.
“Oh, sorry!” we both said at the same time, followed by nervous laughter.
Nathaniel wore a long black coat—one he often wore on the cold days at Dawnridge. A beige knitted sweater was underneath, atop a white collared shirt. His black trousers were nearly identical to mine, though his were more slim fitting while mine were loose.
“You look…” we both started at the same time, paused, and then tried again.
“...lovely,” Nathaniel finished.
“...warm,” I said.
A nervous laugh bubbled up inside of me as I reached for my black jacket that hung by the door, doing my best not to study his red cheeks or dark pink lips kissed by the cold. He stepped aside and I shut the door behind me before following him to his car.
“So…where are we going?” I asked, trying to steady my wildly beating heart as Nathaniel opened the passenger door for me.
“It’s a surprise.”
“Still?”
“Yes.”
With a playful eye roll, I sat down and watched as Nathaniel moved around to the driver’s seat.
The drive was a rather long one—thirty-five minutes, mostly open road, with green fields and tall trees on either side. Music blasted through the stereo speakers, wind blowing through our hair with the windows rolled down.
“Are you not going to tell me where we’re going?” I asked in between the silence between songs.
“All I’ll say is there will be wine, paint, and the open air,” Nathaniel said.
I wasn’t one to indulge in wine—the mere smell had me pulling faces—but I did love painting and the open air. “Consider me intrigued.”
“Thank God for that,” Nathaniel grinned.
Why do people always thank God for things he didn’t do?
Alarmed at the Devil’s appearance, I swallowed hard and tried to block him out. I didn’t want him to spoil my first date.
Is that what this is? Or was it just a phrase?
Not now. Not now. Not now.
“We’re almost there,” Nathaniel announced, drawing my attention back to him.
I nodded, realised Nathaniel’s eyes were on the road, and said, “Cool.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah, just nervous.”
“Nervous?”
“Nervous that you’re taking me to the middle of nowhere to kill me,” I joked.
A surprised chuckle escaped Nathaniel’s throat. “I’m flattered to be considered a potential killer.”
“Why would you be flattered by that?” I laughed.
“Because no one ever thinks of me as a bad boy.”
“Oh my god.”
“What? Is it not true that bad boys get more attention?”
I clutched my stomach as I cringed, unable to fend off a grin when Nathaniel laughed along with me, the sound a sweet melody I could replay forever.
Minutes later, Nathaniel pulled up on the side of the road, twigs crunching beneath the tires as a grass field appeared before us. There was a broken wooden fence, an empty bottle, and nothing but open road.
“So you really are going to kill me, huh?” I breathed out, only half-joking.
Nathaniel merely grinned as he climbed out of the car and waited for me to do the same. Despite Nathaniel being taller, I was confident I could overpower him in a fight. He was slim, lean, and I was wider, with a little muscle.
I approached the fence and peered out at the well-maintained grass field, white flowers blossoming amongst the weeds. In the distance, I could make out a lake, and even further, grass mounds.
“Is this someone’s property?” I asked, glancing sideways at Nathaniel who stood beside me, hands on the fencing.
“It’s my grandfather’s,” he answered, “he owns a large estate and this land, while his, is far from his home. He has granted me permission to enter, so don’t worry about being shot.”
“Lovely.”
Without a word of warning, Nathaniel climbed over the fence and landed on the other side, a grin brightening his face. “You coming?”
With less grace than I would have liked, I hopped over the fence and followed him through the grass, still not completely convinced he wasn’t going to kill me.
Our hands accidentally collided as we walked side-by-side, though neither of us commented on it as we discreetly created more distance between ourselves.
Not far from the lake, I slowed to a halt.
Nathaniel kept walking until he reached the brown, white and grey checked picnic blanket set out atop the grass, four brown cushions circling a picnic basket with a bottle of wine standing beside it.
There were two small easels with a clean canvas perched on each, an empty paint palette and a tub of paint and brushes to share.
A real date.
I slowly dragged my gaze from the picnic spread to Nathaniel who looked nervous all of a sudden, one hand raised to pick at his lip while he shifted from one leg to the other, unable to stand still under my gaze.
“You…set this up?” I asked quietly.
Nathaniel nodded. “Yeah. Our own little…paint and sip. They do these classes you can join but I figured it’d be better with just…us.”
I said nothing, unable to process what I was seeing or hearing. Nathaniel had set this all up…for me? I didn’t deserve it. Not at all. I had only ever been cold to him, and distant.
“But I warn you,” Nathaniel rambled on, “I am not good at painting. And with wine in my system…I’ll be even worse. So don’t expect a masterpiece.”
Biting my lip, I approached the blanket and sat down in front of one of the easels, slipping off my shoes so I didn’t dirty the rug. I watched Nathaniel do the same, his eyes fixed on me as though afraid that if he looked away, I would disappear.