CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR #2
“Tell me about it,” he said, “this…demon.”
I shook my head, ready to tell him no, when he raised a hand to silence me.
“Don’t,” he said, voice soft, “just tell me.”
I swallowed back my protests, lowering my gaze to the pile of books on the counter. “Well,” I cleared my throat, “the first thing you should know is that…it’s not just a demon.”
His eyebrows shot up. “Oh?”
“It’s the Devil.”
Nathaniel didn’t even flinch. “As in, Lucifer?”
Should I be flattered that he hasn’t run away yet?
“Yes,” I answered, weary. It almost felt like this was some sort of trap. A test.
“Do you see him?”
“Not often.”
“So you have seen him?”
“In the mirror.”
“You’ve seen him in the mirror?” he clarified. “What does he look like?”
An angel.
“What’s with the interrogation?”
“I’m just curious.”
“You think I’m crazy.”
“Did I say that?”
“If you don’t…then maybe you’re crazier than me.”
“Maybe I am.”
I clenched my jaw and said nothing.
“Do you hear him?”
“Yes.”
“Often?”
“Yes.”
“What does he say?”
I say he’ll die a slow and painful death.
“You don’t want to know.”
Nathaniel’s eyebrows rose higher. “Is he talking to you right now?”
Why are you answering his questions? He’s going to find out.
“Yes.”
Nathaniel watched me for a long moment before pushing himself away from the shelves, crouching to pick a book off the floor that had fallen over. “The Devil…does he like me?” he asked.
“Is that what this is about?” I sighed, suppressing an eye roll. “Flattery?”
“Does he like me, Augustus?”
No.
“I don’t…think he likes anyone. But he doesn’t hate you. He’s actually…quite calm in your presence.”
“Good, good. I rather like him too. Always thought he made a lot of sense.”
I always knew there would be someone out there who would appreciate me.
“The Devil is the villain,” I pointed out.
“Only because the story is told from God’s perspective.” He settled the book back onto the shelf and turned to face me, the sun colouring his eyes gold. “And God, perhaps, is the greatest unreliable narrator of all.”
"What do you mean by that?"
"The Bible is considered the word of God, is it not? Or at least divinely inspired?"
I nodded.
"There are many contradictions in the Bible," he explained, "and therefore these accounts are unreliable. For example, the death of Judas. The book of Matthew portrays Judas as remorseful after betraying Jesus, even returning the thirty pieces of silver to the temple before hanging himself."
"Did he not?" I frowned.
"How can we know for sure?" Nathaniel shrugged. "Acts 1:18 states that Judas purchased a field with the thirty pieces of silver and he falls head-first, dying in the Field of Blood."
"Okay, sure, but that's just…different memories," I defended the Bible. "These accounts were written years later. And by people, not God. It doesn't change the fact that Judas died an unhappy death as a result of betraying Jesus. It doesn't make God some kind of liar."
"I never said God was a liar," Nathaniel said. "Just unreliable. His rules keep changing."
I shook my head, unconvinced.
"Okay, tell me, does God love everyone?"
"Of course," I said.
Yet he abandoned you, little monster.
"Well, the book of John would agree with you," Nathaniel nodded, "but Leviticus? Psalms? Proverbs? They all indicate that God hates evildoers. Sinners."
Hence why he hates you.
I swallowed. "Well, that makes sense. God is good. Why would He love evil?"
"That's not the point, Augustus. The point is that when the Bible, and God Himself, is contradictory, how can we know the objective truth?"
“Careful," I said," you could be condemned to Hell for that.”
“Maybe then I’ll finally get the Devil’s side of the story,” he chuckled.
I crossed the space between us, reaching to adjust his collar which had tucked itself beneath his brown vest. “Nathaniel Carrington…I am starting to think you’re worse than me.”
“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” he grinned.
“Bad,” I leaned up to whisper in his ear, “but the Devil in me likes it.”
Nathaniel smirked and reached for my waist, but I took a step back, his hand gliding through air. An audible sigh escaped his throat. “How long has the Devil been inside of you?”
“A long time.”
“How long?”
“Since I was four.”
“That’s quite young,” Nathaniel hummed. “Why do you think he chose you?”
“I’m the son of a crazy religious fanatic, who better to possess than me?”
“So your mother is crazy for being religious, but you’re not for believing you’re possessed by the Devil?”
Ah, so it was a trap. He does think we’re crazy.
“My mother is crazy because she would have let me die that night in North Lane.”
“Of course.”
“Don’t patronise me,” I scoffed.
“I’m not,” he said softly, “I’m just trying to understand.”
“Now answer my question. Just the one. Do you believe I have the Devil inside of me?”
A look of defeat crossed his face, and I knew the answer before he even had to say it. “No,” he whispered. “I don’t.”
With a bitter chuckle, I turned away and returned to the counter. I couldn’t leave since I was at work, so I had to rely on Nathaniel being the one to walk away. But he didn’t.
His footsteps stopped at the counter.
“Is there anything else I can do for you?” I forced out.
“Is that all you have to say to me?”
“There is nothing to say.” I grew defensive, hands curling into fists at my side as my heart thundered wildly against my chest. Did he want me to apologise?
He was the one who lied to me. He was the one who was always trying to fix me like I was his little broken project.
He was the one who made me open up only to shut me down.
“So what, that’s it then?” he asked, voice cracking. “We’re just…done?”
I didn’t answer.
Nathaniel scoffed and ran his fingers through his hair, messing up the neat styling he no doubt spent several minutes on.
“God, Augustus, are you not sick of it? Are you not tired of being your own worst enemy? You think everybody is against you. Have you ever considered that I am just trying to help?”
“What do you want me to say?” I asked, voice cracking. “Because I genuinely don’t know, Nate.”
“I just want you to let me in.”
“I did,” I hissed, “and you called me crazy!”
“I never said that!”
“It was heavily implied!”
“I just want to help you, Augustus.”
“You can’t save me,” I whispered.
“Then let me die with you.”
Tears filled my eyes before I had the chance to fight them. What did he see in me? What could I possibly have to offer him? All I seemed to do was hurt him, and yet here he was, fighting for me. No one had ever fought for me before. Not my mother. Not my father. Not Ava. Only Nathaniel.
You could save every soul on Earth and never deserve him.
“I don’t want to be with you,” I said.
Nathaniel’s shoulders dropped and he hung his head in defeat.
His lips parted, as if to speak, only for a heavy silence to thicken the air.
He nodded without a word, leaving me alone inside Browning Books with only books for company.
My heart shattered like a glass cup smashed against a tiled floor.
It hurt. It hurt more than anything I'd ever felt before.
You did this to yourself.
I slammed my fist against the counter, pain lancing through my knuckles. Blood fell to the wooden floorboards, trickling in between the small gaps to feed the darkness below.
In another universe, I was someone who could love Nathaniel. In this one, I was someone who only brought him pain.