Nineteen
Elias
As I empty out the last box of stuff belonging to my brother, a silver box hits the floor. Picking it up, I gather everything spilling out of it and as I’m putting it all back, a naked photo of Brody catches my attention. My skin growing hot, I flip to the next one and he’s wearing nothing but my brother’s fishing hat.
No. That can’t be right. Maybe Brody would do that to me, but Adam wouldn’t. His smiling face flashes in my mind, matching my brothers in the third picture as they lie naked together in what used to be Brody’s and my bed.
My shirt suddenly feels too tight on my skin and my head spins. I don’t want to keep looking at the pictures but my heart needs more convincing. It still can’t wrap itself around my own brother doing something so unforgivable. He was the perfect one. The apple of my mom’s eye. Apparently, he was seen that way by my boyfriend too.
A sick feeling curls inside me, wrecking me. “No, No, No.” I clench my eyes shut and look at more photos. My brother is wearing the same necklace I found in the first box, while the man I once thought was the love of my life is buried between his thighs. They’re so happy in every picture. Never has Brody looked at me the way he’s looking at him.
My throat tightens and tears escape my eyes as betrayal sets in like a heavy strike to my chest. How long were they both going behind my back for? Was it serious? Did they have any intention of ever telling me?
Feeling nauseated, I scoot back to the bed, resting my hands on the edge as I do my box breathing. I drift away and come back, the brief seconds of me being gone allowing Arien a little time to appear and kiss my forehead.
I toss the pictures forward and sit here, staring up at the ceiling. “Why him?” I ask, clenching my fists at my sides. “Why did you always want what I had?”
He always got it too, and everything came easier for him than it did for me. I started fishing and so did he. I dreamed of a house with a wrap-around porch and a large white swing big enough for two . . . and . . . and so did he.
He applied to the same college as me, and got close to Brody, saying it was for my sake, but I should have known better. That’s why I wasn’t sure which songs were my favorites and which were his. Did I like to dance and only stopped because he always upstaged me?
He couldn’t let me have one thing. Not one. I don’t know why it took this for me to see how all he ever did was take while I constantly gave. Closing my eyes, bright images of the accident appear behind my lids, and everything that happened plays like a movie being fast forwarded.
That’s why we crashed. We were arguing after he told me he was in love with Brody. Frozen in the back seat, my boyfriend of three years sat quietly like the coward he was, as if he had no intention of ever letting their secret love affair be aired out in the open. The day before, he’d been telling me all the things he wanted to do in our future together. He’d spoken of marriage and kids.
Not once did he mention fucking Adam. Not once did he give me the impression he was planning to end things with me. Not fucking once.
Suddenly it all comes back to me tenfold. Brody tried to console me, shaking his head at Adam, and anger held me hostage as I slammed my hands to the wheel. The storm brewing inside me locked me up on the inside, and of all times to experience my first episode of cataplexy, that had to be the moment.
Not moving for a long time, I stay folded into myself, only moving my eyes when my phone goes off. After letting it go to voicemail, it rings again, and I finally muster up the energy to answer it, focusing on the loud sounds instead of the gripping sensation inside me. I won’t let him be the reason I hold myself back again.
“Hello,” I answer on the fourth ring.
“Hey. So, I thought maybe we should talk about everything that happened on my last visit. I didn’t like how we left things.”
Brody’s voice is like nails on a chalk board, and I think about my upcoming date with Arien to keep me where I am.
“Yeah, but you were perfectly fine with me taking all the blame for Adam’s death, right? Was that so you didn’t have to worry about cleaning up your own mess.”
“El.” His voice trembles.
“Don’t fucking call me that,” I grit out. “That was his name for me. Not yours. Just like you were supposed to be the man I married, not . . . not the reason for me hating my dead brother.”
“I’m sorry. I wanted to talk about it but didn’t know how to. I thought I was doing you a favor by letting you forget.”
“Oh, how fucking kind of you,” I bite out, my body raging on the inside. Fuck him. “Tell me why? I gave you everything and still it wasn’t enough.”
He sniffs. Typical Brody, feeling sorry for himself. Making this all about him. I was the problem, and he was the one having to pick up the slack in our relationship.
“We didn’t intend for it to happen, and I realized later that I’d made a big mistake. I . . . I guess I was just scared. We moved in together and you started talking about shaking finances. It got too much for me, and I didn’t know how to talk to you with how hopeful you were. I tried to be there with you but at the time I wasn’t ready. But I’m ready now, Elias. I’ll do whatever it takes to have a chance of being with you again.” His breaths waver. “I fucked up. Adam wanted more but it was never supposed to get that far.”
“I think you should do us both a favor and not only lose my number, but also stop your visits to my parents’ house. That’s not your place anymore. You gave that up, and you can’t just decide you want it whenever you’re ready.”
“I know,” he says, choking back a sob. “I know. I can be selfish sometimes, and I want to work on that. I love you, Elias.”
“Did you not love him too?”
“No. It was one-sided. I tried to make him understand that, but he wouldn’t stop showing up everywhere I was. He didn’t want to end it and threatened to tell you if I kept pushing him away.”
“You don’t get to do that,” I say. “You don’t get to paint my brother as the only bad guy here. You were just as guilty. You should never have crossed that line to begin with.”
“Elias—”
“ Basta . If you really love me like you claim, then let me go. Let me move on while you do the same. I thought that’s what you wanted anyway.”
“I . . . I was only wanting to make things right, but I see I’m too late and you have every right to want to walk away from me.”
“You walked away first, the moment you gave yourself to my brother.” I hang up the phone, not owing him another word or any more of my time.
The phone drops from my hand and I gather all the pictures. Not wanting them to ever see the light again, I put them in a pot on the stove and watch them dissolve to nothing. Too bad what they did wasn’t that. The damage will be there forever, haunting the back of my mind. My brother, my best friend in the world, hurt me more than I ever thought imaginable. My heart was breaking because of him all over again, and I have to wonder if I’d Iost him way before I thought.
Setting the pot in the sink, I run water over the ash and hit block on Brody’s number. Something I should have done the moment he started contacting me again. At first, I thought I could be friends with him, but that was when I thought I was the reason our relationship crashed and burned. I know the truth now, and I’d needed to remember what happened more than I’d realized.
Adam aimed to hurt me the day we went fishing, and he did. He didn’t consider the consequences, and probably thought the worst thing to happen would be us going our separate ways for a while. If he knew how wrong he was, would it have made any difference? Would he have done what he did anyway?
I down a few shots of tequila before heading to my room. Head groggy, my legs wobble, and I crash hard against my bed. My muscles relax and I’m temporarily unable to move, but I smile when someone hums sweetly beside me smelling of sugar.
“I was thinking I could take you to the carnival instead of you taking me. This one will be far away from here too. No worries or problems to face. Only you, me, and all the rides you can imagine.”
He kisses my cheek. “There will be a time where you’ll be ready to talk about everything you’re feeling, but tonight I want to give you a break from your own head. A break from the hurt and the pain. It can wait for later, but the cotton candy we’ll be stuffing our faces with can’t.”
My heart lights up and he holds me as I slip into the dream world he creates. A carousel goes round and round with animals I don’t recognize. I get closer and realize they aren’t animals at all, they’re creatures from his home, covered in spikes, sporting tails, multiple appendages, and differently textured skin.
There are also ones I recognize such as a werewolf, siren, and kraken. A Ferris wheel lights up above it, spinning slowly, and Arien tugs me toward the concession stands. I’m confused when we’re handed empty plastic cones, but my eyes brighten when blue fluff sprouts from the bottom, replacing all the bites we take.
“This is incredible,” I say. “And exactly what I needed.” I taste an explosion of sugar on his lips, tugging on my hoodie, while plunging a hand into the back of his pants.
Moaning, he arches his back as I rub over his hole. So much is happening around us but my eyes can’t stop coming back to him. The games and flying saucers are flashing lights around us, and the smell of funnel cake wafts in the air as Arien drags me onto a roller coaster. I shove my hand between his legs again as soon as we’re comfortably seated. Kissing his neck, my stomach swooshes as we lift in the air, and as we’re dropping down, my lips crash to his.
The exhilaration has me feeling on top of the world, and I play with his body as we sweep around in circles and glide down the rails at a faster speed before lifting up again. As we’re dropping back down, I stroke his cock harder and he cries, coming. Before I can bend down to lick up the mess, his release disappears, and he laughs.
I keep forgetting these are all illusions, but he’s not. He’s real and makes everything real around him.
***
“What a fuck dick,” Amy says. “I’m so mad, I want to fly back home just so I can punch him in his face.”
“What’s a fuck dick?” I say between laughs.
“That sorry excuse for an ex-boyfriend of yours. I only kept talking to him to be nice and because of mom, but he is definitely on my blocked list now.”
“I can’t believe he told you.” I lower myself onto the couch, dragging a pillow over my lap.
“He said he felt guilty for not doing it sooner, but what I really think happened is, he didn’t want you to be the one to tell me first.”
“Probably. Brody always likes to take control of every situation he can. I can’t believe I didn’t see what was happening around me. How did I miss the signs? We lived in the same fucking house.”
“Because you didn’t want to see it, and who the hell would? Who wants to purposely seek signs of their brother and boyfriend hooking up behind their back?” She huffs out a breath. “I didn’t think Adam could ever surprise me, but clearly I was wrong.”
“I still miss him,” I say, sounding deflated. “That probably sounds stupid, but I don’t miss him for the wrong he did only for the good times we shared together. There were days I was really grateful to have him there.”
“It’s not stupid at all. You can still love someone who hurt you. He was your brother. I only wish he cared about that small little detail when he was doing what he did, but either he didn’t, or he just wasn’t fully thinking it through. But it happened, and nothing we say will ever change the past.”
“Yeah. I thought learning the truth would help give me some closure, but all I gained was another tragedy to wade through.”
“It sucks, it really does, but I can’t help feeling that Adam did you a favor. If it hadn’t been with him, it would have been with someone else.”
“Yeah, he did, without even realizing. You didn’t hear the things he said to me that day, though, about me always being an inconvenience. A damn hurdle in his way all the time. He said I was so pathetic I’d pretended not to see what was in front of me because I preferred to remain in denial in order to be happy.” I’d heard Adam speak to other people that way but never me. We were supposed to be different. We were supposed to always be there for each other.
I remained behind, wanting to be here for him even after he was gone, while he’d complained about pretending to do the same for me while I was right there. I don’t want to hate my brother, and I don’t, but it’s going to take me a while to not be angry when I hear his name. I don’t think he’d meant everything he said to me either. I think he was trying to make himself feel better for his actions based on how much he was going in circles.
Maybe I want to go back to forgetting, but then I’d go on living a lie like before and staying blinded by the truth I didn’t want to see. Adam was right, wasn’t he? I didn’t want to ruin my perfect delusions of Brody, and I didn’t want to ruin them of him either.
“I know, and I’m angry at him too, and it’s understandable for you to feel all the things you do. Feel them all you need. Do what you have to do to get through it. Scream. Kick shit. I actually know a few names of people if you need them.”
I laugh. “I think we’re making this whole thing about you now. I will not do your dirty work.”
She scoffs. “It was worth a shot.” And just like that Amy shifts the attention somewhere else, taking me with her. Hours pass of us laughing and Amy telling me embarrassing dating stories. I may have lost a brother, but I still have an amazing sister, and I don’t want to take any of that for granted by holding back any smiles with her.
After hanging up the phone, I sit at the table and after minutes of staring into space, Arien appears and sits in my lap quietly until my muscles awake. A knock sounds at my door an hour later, and I smile at the pretty purple demon standing in front of me.
“How did you get in?”
“Ian let me in while he was locking up.”
“I see. You could have come up from the other side of the building.”
“Yeah, but it’s much cooler in here.” He squeezes in beside me. Stopping acting like you aren’t happy to see me and go get ready so you can take me out somewhere tonight.”
“Where should we go?”
He taps his chin. “There’s a donut shop two streets over, and it’s next to the apartment I’m looking at moving into. I got denied at the last two places.”
I frown, closing the door and pulling him into me. “How many more are you going to apply for?”
“I don’t know.” He shrugs. “But I either want to be close to downtown or right down the street from work.”
“How about you ditch the applications and come live with me?”
His face stills. “Isn’t it too soon?”
“Probably, but I’ve done the whole waiting thing before and look what it got me. I think I’d rather do what I’ve been doing with you this whole time—going in the complete opposite direction.”
Rocking on the balls of his feet, he lifts himself onto his toes and tugs my face to his. “Then let’s do it.”