36. Chapter 36
Chapter thirty-six
Quinn
Quinn had gotten a reprieve after wrapping up work on that last job. Which sucked balls. He didn’t want nothing to do. Nothing to do led him to rewatching the Pine Point Fixer Uppers videos he’d already been through.
That and drinking. It had been a couple days, so he’d needed to get another bottle of vodka delivered. A screwdriver was an easy enough drink to make without putting in any effort, and it helped him get drunk. Because drunk calmed the cognitive dissonance. He knew full well he should unsubscribe from the channel. Block it if he could. Move the fuck on and divest. But he also wanted to keep watching, seeing Jake there with him, even if he couldn’t bring himself to have him there in person.
So he drank. Not blacking out, just until he felt warm and fuzzy and could enjoy watching Jake’s muscles writhe and ripple as he swung a sledgehammer through a wall, knock out posts, slide wood through a table saw. The others were there too.
Bang bang.
Quinn groaned and headed for his front door and opened it up, ready for his lunch.
“We’re coming in.” Ozzy stuck his shoulder into the gap of the door and muscled past Quinn. Maybe if Quinn hadn’t been buzzed already, he would have fought back, but it seemed to happen so fast. Suddenly Ozzy was inside…and Jake. Real Jake, not video Jake from four years ago. His brows furrowed when he looked at Quinn, and his eyes were dark, but it was definitely him. That wish fulfilled, even if he wasn’t sure he wanted it to be.
I’m not mad about it.
Ozzy was a different question. “I don’t think you were invited.”
“Well, I’m not a vampire. Don’t need an invitation.” His gaze drifted over to the TV screen. “Damn. I looked good back then.”
Sure enough, a younger Ozzy was on screen, down in the dirt, settling a large bush into place.
Quinn walked over and paused the video. “What’s going on?”
“I’m making amends.” Ozzy spread his arms out and sighed. “I didn’t get how shitty I was being. I should have read the room a little more. I wasn’t trying to be a massive dick, just a little bit of one.” He jerked his head over his shoulder to the still silent Jake. “He smacked the crap out of me a few times. If that makes you feel better.”
Quinn’s brain was foggy from the vodka, so he just stood and tried to process. Ozzy clearly thought he was supposed to be angry. And maybe he was. But at that point, he was just numb to the whole thing. “No offense, I don’t care about you at this point, Ozzy.”
His arms fell and he cringed. “Ouch.”
“Quinn, are you good?” Jake’s voice was quiet, but it cut through, growing louder as he stepped up even with Ozzy. “You’re drunk. It’s early. Not my business, but…never mind.” He shut his eyes. “Not my place.”
I want it to be your place. “What’s going on?” It was the only question he could ask, still.
Jake shifted in place a little bit, bobbing up and down on the balls of his feet. “I…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have run my mouth. I should have been more respectful. I fucked up. And you deserve to hear that from me. That’s it. That’s all I wanted to say.” He gestured vaguely toward Ozzy. “And I guess I’m sorry about him barging in here.”
“I’m not.” Ozzy crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m a little annoyed that I apparently don’t matter to him. But you two needed something to knock you out of your funk or whatever.”
Quinn’s brain started to get a few more sparks, turning over a bit faster even through the tipsy haze. “You’re not great at apologies, are you Ozzy?”
He rolled his eyes, but Jake cut him off before he could say anything else. “Hey. Ozzy. Can you and the driver handle picking up the mulch on your own?”
His eyes darted between Jake and Quinn a few times, then he shrugged. “Fine. But you’re buying the pain pills when I throw my back out trying to lift everything.”
Jake ushered him toward the door. “Bye, Ozzy.” He closed the door, then turned and leaned against it. He swallowed hard, Adam’s apple bobbing.
They stayed like that a while. Or at least it felt like a while, through the vodka. Maybe it was a totally normal amount of time. The silence was heavy all the same, no matter how long it actually lasted.
Quinn’s voice cracked when he spoke to finally break the quiet. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too.” Jake pulled himself away from the wall, taking a few steps closer. “I am sorry. I know it wasn’t okay to tell Ev about us.”
“It wasn’t. But that’s not…I wish you hadn’t, but I get it. I’m clearly not completely handling it well either.” Those few days of nothing, plus the alcohol, seemed to have dulled some of the anger. Plus seeing Jake there in front of him in real life. “I think it’s all a big confusing mess. And I just…I never told you about Hunter.”
Jake shook his head. “No. I don’t think so.”
Quinn walked to the couch and took his spot, then gestured to the empty cushion. Once Jake took it, sitting gingerly on the edge, Quinn sucked in a deep breath. Jake deserved to understand the whole mess. And buzzed was the easiest time to talk about it. “Hunter and I dated for just over two years. He moved in here after the first year. We were happy. I was happy, anyway.”
Jake nodded, but didn’t say anything, didn’t try to reach for Quinn. He was just there, but attentive.
“He was here during his undergrad degree. Poli-sci. He started applying for law schools while he was here, and he got into a bunch of them. Did really well on the LSATs, kept his GPA high for his whole undergrad degree.”
“And he left?”
Quinn snorted, shaking his head. “He left one of the few times I was up at the office. Packed up his stuff and left a note apologizing, but saying that he needed to move on. Took me a month of calling after he left to finally get him to pick up. Acted like I didn’t even matter to him. He’d picked Georgetown.” His chest ached as he recounted it. There was a reason he didn’t dive back into these memories often. Still raw, still blazing hot behind his solar plexus. None of that changed the reality: he’d started to open up, and in spite of everything, Jake deserved the context. “He didn’t even tell me which college he’d picked until I spent all that time tracking him down. Then he just hung up when he got tired of the conversation. And that was it. He blocked my number, blocked me on social media, never responded to an email.”
“Oh, Quinn.” Jake shifted a little bit farther back onto the couch, seemed to be reaching for him, then stopped himself. “I don’t want to smack talk your ex—”
“He’s a prick.” That didn’t hurt to say at all. If anything, it felt nice that he could at least see it now, even if he didn’t at the time. “That’s not up for debate. But after that, the idea of getting involved with anyone was hard. Hookups were a lot safer than real dating. And then you showed up and I knew there was no way you’d be staying. Not that you would leave me a note like that. I’m not implying…” His head still swam through the fog as he explained, doubled up by the flood of memories from Hunter. “But knowing that something between us would have to be temporary? It felt too similar.”
Jake nodded. “I’m sorry.”
Quinn snorted a laugh. “Don’t be sorry. You didn’t lie to me and say you were staying forever. You were clear from the outset. But having it out in public, with Ozzy and Evander knowing, and then everyone finding out? It was like sandpaper rubbing up against all those sore spots. If people knew, then it was real. Is real. Was real.” He shut his eyes and shook his head, wishing like hell he was sober for this conversation. “When I could pretend it was just a casual thing, even if I knew it was a load of crap, it felt like I could handle opening myself up. But once Ozzy was in the loop, and then Evander was in the loop, there was no pretending. Like quantum mechanics. The observer effect.”
Jake sucked his lips in and raised his eyebrows. “Uh-huh. Me and my high school diploma from a small town definitely know all about quantum mechanics.”
Quinn couldn’t help but smile. “The act of something being observed changes it and locks it in. If they knew about us, then that meant there was an us. Is an us.” Did he want them to be past tense or present tense?
Jake nodded. “I get that.” He sighed. “I’m sorry you had to deal with your ex, and that this brought it all up. If it helps, I think he’s a piece of crap, and he doesn’t know what he’s missing out on.”
Quinn rolled his eyes, doing his best not to let himself smile, even though Jake was a smile factory. “I think he knows exactly what he’s missing. He lived with me for a year.”
“Sure. And are you the same person you were when you got together? Or when he split? I bet not. I bet he doesn’t know this you, who took care of your grandpa as best you could when he had nobody else. And who’s all smart and shit about numbers and money. And who reaches out to the lunkhead working on his house to play video games when he doesn’t have to. And who worked on his yard even though there was already a whole crew doing it for free.” Jake shrugged. “I think he’s missing someone pretty great.”
That time, Quinn couldn’t even try to fight off the smile. It trembled across his lips as he looked Jake dead on in the eyes. Those wonderful blue eyes. “You’re just saying that because of the brain damage after your concussion.” Quinn sighed. “I’m sorry I didn’t come see you.”
“Hey.” Jake reached across and cupped his cheek, rubbed his thumb gently along Quinn’s jawline. “No apologizing. We weren’t exactly in an awesome place. Besides, I was terrible company. Just ticked off the entire time because I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything. I would have made terrible company.”
“I think you would have been all right.” Quinn leaned forward, lips parted—
“Nope.” Jake pressed his other hand into the center of Quinn’s chest, holding him in place. “You’re drunk, sweetness.”
“Drunk minds speak sober truths.”
“Drunk minds also try to play hide and seek and end up falling off the roof. Ask me how I know.” He shifted back just a touch away from Quinn, but still kept his hand there. Warm. Strong. Rough. “I would love to kiss you again. I’d love to do more than that. But you’re feeling emotional and you’re not all put together and thinking straight.” He brought his hand up, pressed a finger into the center of Quinn’s forehead. “If you still feel that way when you don’t smell like a distillery, you know where I’ll be.”
Quinn’s stomach clenched, but the longer he looked into Jake’s eyes, the easier it got to accept. He wasn’t saying no, clearly. And there was no animosity. This wasn’t a punishment for the silent treatment. Or for snapping. Or for anything else. So why do I feel so nervous?
It clicked and heat rushed into his cheeks. If he’d been sober, no way in hell he would have voiced it out, even after realizing it. But as Jake said, he wasn’t sober. “Are you leaving, now?”
Jake smiled, then settled back into the couch, turning toward the TV and slinging an arm across the back. “My ride left, so I have to wait for them to come back. Don’t convince yourself you’re going to drive me away. I wouldn’t make a dumb fucking mistake like that Hunter asshole.”
Quinn settled in as well, moving slowly, testing the waters. Jake let him lean against his shoulder, even squeezed Quinn a bit tighter. That’ll have to do. “I would offer to set up Armored Spirit for us again, but my reflexes aren’t going to be up to snuff.”
Jake shrugged. “I seem to recall wiping the floor with you when you were stone sober, but whatever you need to tell yourself.” He gestured toward the screen. “We can just watch some old footage from when I was still young and pretty.”
You’re still pretty.