Chapter 18
18
Hannah
The knock on my door isn’t loud but makes enough noise to startle me out of my reading. I’ve been lying in bed reviewing some study material for class, and it's getting late.
“Hey, it's me.”
Since I was expecting her after her call a few minutes ago, I climb out of bed and walk to the door, pulling it open. On the other side is Astrid, dressed like she's been out somewhere nice but with her face red like she's been crying.
Oh no. What could this be about?
Her bottom lip quivers, and before I can react, she wraps her arms around me and sniffles into my shoulder. I instinctively reach up to pat her back. “Astrid, what's wrong?”
“It’s Johan,” she tells me, her voice muffled by my sweatshirt. My stomach sinks, but somehow, I already knew this was what it must be about. There's nothing else I can think of that would upset her so much.
I usher her inside, shutting the door behind her and guiding her to sit on the bed. After retrieving some tissues for her, I sink into the computer chair across from her and wait for her to dab at her eyes.
“What happened?”
“He…” She blots at her nose with the tissue. “Well, let me start from the beginning. We went to have dinner at his parents’ home this evening.”
“At his parents’ home?” I ask, shock evident in my tone. “On a weekday?”
“Yeah, their home is just an hour’s drive from here, so sometimes we go there and have dinner. My parents were there, too. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing. Everything was fine, but after we ate, Johan went out and talked to his dad forever. And then when he came back, he seemed...off somehow? Reserved?”
Confused, I ask, “Is that all?”
She shakes her head, blond hair flying. “Oh, no. We drive home, and since it's a long drive, we talk like normal. But then I stupidly…God, I’m so stupid! Of course, I maneuvered us to the subject of getting more serious, taking our relationship to the next level...and as you can expect, he wasn't thrilled with that topic.”
I feel like I might be sick. The memory of being alone with Johan in his bed, his lips on mine, collides with the images from Astrid’s story, blurring together in a confusing mess. The fact that Johan took Astrid to dinner the same day he sent me roses was unsettling enough, but now he’s hurt her so badly that she’s come to me in tears. What on earth was he thinking? Why couldn’t he just keep a low profile until after the weekend?
I fumble for the right questions, trying to find the space between what I want from Johan and what he has done to her. “I thought the two of you decided you were okay being casual?”
Astrid is plucking at the threads of my comforter, looking distraught. “I know I did. I should’ve left it at that, but dinner went so nicely, and having both our parents there made it feel special. They are such good friends, and they clearly expect something to come from the two of us. It just feels right. Our lives fit together so well. So I just...threw caution to the wind and asked him. It was a mistake.”
“What did he say?” My heart is in my throat, waiting for her answer. What if he told her there was a chance or to wait longer? Surely, he wouldn't tell her about the two of us, or she'd already be screaming at me. But there might be no better time for him to let her down gently.
“He...he basically told me that we're never going to be serious and that I just have to get over it, and he even tried to put an end to everything going on between us.” Her voice rises the more upset she becomes. “If he doesn’t see any future between us, why did he invite me to dinner? Why does he keep spending time with me?”
I wish I could tell her the truth, that I pushed him into her arms when he wanted to break up with her because of how guilty I felt. But it's not like I can tell her that Johan and I were minutes from hooking up or that we've both admitted to having some feelings for each other. Astrid is my friend, and she came to me for help! I’ve never felt lower in my entire life.
“I’m sorry, Astrid. You didn't deserve that.”
“I know. That's what's so frustrating. He's being a complete ass. I know we said casual, and I agreed to that. But things have changed. For me, at least. And it's not fair that he’s treating me like this.”
“No, it's not. I agree.”
“I wish I could just make him understand how much I love him, but…he’s so stubborn sometimes, it's ridiculous.” She pauses for a beat, heaving a long sigh, and ponders further. “Or maybe he’s right, and we need to end this thing and move on.”
That would solve a lot of problems. But what's more important: Astrid and Johan's relationship or my desire to be with Johan? I have no claim on him, not really, and I have no business inserting myself into their relationship.
Even though I know what the right answer is, what the selfless choice is, the words slip out. “Maybe that would be a good idea.”
She frowns. “I just don't think I can. Our families are close, and we’ll be running into each other all the time. It’ll be hard to really lose the connection.”
“Okay, but you can take a break from him. Tell him you won’t hang out anymore, at least for a while.”
Astrid sniffs and wipes her eyes again. “I could. Or….”
“Or?”
She hesitates, furrowing her brow while biting her lip before continuing with a slight shrug and a tone tinged with defiance. “I could just make him jealous. Show him what he’s missing.”
I squeeze my eyes shut in confusion, trying to make sense of her plan. “I’m not sure I understand. How do you make him jealous?”
Astrid crosses her arms, tilting her chin up as she stares off into the distance as if picturing the scene in her mind. “By hanging out with someone else. Going on dates, having a good time.”
Reaching out, I place my hand gently on her arm and soften my tone as I look into her eyes. “Astrid, no. Don’t do something you'll regret. Let's take a step back.”
“I wouldn't regret it,” she replies, sounding more confident than she has since she's been here. “If it's someone I’m not actually interested in and who isn't interested in me, then it's fine. Just someone to go to the movies, have coffee and go dancing. The idea is to make him see what he could be missing, you know?”
“I don't know. It seems manipulative. And risky. What if the other person ends up falling for you?”
There's this look on her face that makes me think she's going to be stuck on this idea no matter what I say. It’s not like her dating someone else would be a bad thing, but this poor other guy she'd be stringing along would be an innocent victim of this mess that Johan and I have made. Any man besides Johan would be immediately smitten with Astrid, I have no doubt. She's gorgeous and smart and so sweet. No one else deserves to get their heart broken in all of this.
Finally, she nods once. “Okay, I won’t do anything rash. I'll give it some time.”
I don't know if I believe her, but it's all I can get for me. “I think that’s a good idea.”
She sighs heavily, putting her hands behind her on the mattress and leaning back. Astrid opens her mouth like she's about to say something, but then, out of nowhere, a huge crack of thunder echoes from outside. Astrid and I both jump, and we laugh nervously, looking at each other. The shock takes away a lot of the tension from our conversation, and I realize that no matter who hurts Astrid, I need to be here for her. She came to me for support, and I’m going to give it to her if I can.
The rain starts to pour outside, drumming steadily against the window as I grab my laptop and pull up Netflix. I settle on the bed in front of Astrid and plop down next to her, nudging her playfully with my shoulder. “Let’s watch a movie. Something funny. Stay here till it stops raining, at least, and let's try to get your mind off everything.”
She gives me a sideways glance, her eyes searching mine with concern. “Don’t you have class tomorrow morning?”
I wave it off with a grin, shaking my head. “It’s alright; it’s at 9 a.m.”
She looks at me for a long moment, her eyes brightening, and for the first time tonight, her expression isn't weighed down by sadness. “You’re the best, Hannah. Thanks for being such a great friend.”
A warmth fills my chest as I return her smile, knowing that in this simple gesture, I’ve managed to ease her worries, even if just for a moment.
“I should be the one thanking you,” I tell her, my tone laced with sincerity. “Now, let's figure out what to watch.”
We find a comedy and then settle in. Soon, we’re giggling nonstop as the movie progresses. As the night goes on, Astrid lays on her belly on the bed, still watching the laptop, but her eyelids start to lower. In a few more minutes, she's sound asleep, and I pull the blanket over her so she doesn't get cold.
As the night wears on, the rain outside doesn't let up. I try to lay next to her and get some sleep, staring up at the ceiling and listening to the water droplets hitting the windowpane outside. But sleep never comes—if anything, I feel more restless. If Astrid ever finds out I’m the reason Johan wants to break up, she will never forgive me. What would I do if I lost the best friend I’ve ever had?
Moving as quietly as I can, I grab my phone from the bedside table and tap the screen to see what time it is. 11:45 p.m. Late, but not impossibly so. If I text someone, there's a chance they might still be awake….
Looking over at Astrid, sleeping soundly with her head pillowed by her arm, I hesitate. All this time I’ve spent with her tonight has really made me reevaluate if what I’m about to do with Johan is right. His offer to spend the weekend together isn't just romantic; it comes with the expectation that we will do things I’ve never done before. And I really, really want to. I’ve wanted him all these years and even hungered for him, but now that he’s within my reach, I don't know if I can do it.
It’d be so easy to hate Astrid for being the sole obstacle to Johan and me giving into our mutual attraction, but I just can’t.
I stare at my phone screen and chew my bottom lip, torn into a million pieces. After spending so many years stealing with no real guilt and caring mostly about myself, I find that I really do care for Astrid. I don't want to hurt her. So how can I sleep with the man she loves?
I can't do it. Dammit. This thing between Johan and I was a mistake from the beginning. And he needs to know this.
Tapping on my phone screen again, I type a message out to Johan, figuring he will answer me in the morning. Hey, what are you doing? Can we talk?
To my surprise, he texts me back right away. Sure, I’m in my office, couldn’t sleep so I came here. You wanna call me?
Hannah: Gimme a few mins.
Turning off the screen, I hold the phone to my chest and consider the mad idea that I’m having all of a sudden. I could go and see him, talk to Johan in person, and let him down easily. Seeing him at his office is neutral enough that I don't think we'll make out again, and I don't really trust myself at his apartment.
It’s pouring down rain and basically midnight, but...I think it's what I want to do. I want to go and talk to Johan, appropriateness be damned.
Carefully, I slide out of bed without disturbing Astrid, pulling on my shoes. I know I have an umbrella in the closet, but I’m sure it will be too loud to get down, and any plan of seeing Johan will immediately be ruined if I wake Astrid. All I can do is throw on the waterproof windbreaker hanging on the back of my door and silently slide out of the dorm room and into the hallway.
After gently shutting the door, I make my way out of the building, heading towards Johan's office. It’s a short enough walk during the day, but as soon as I step out into the rain, I immediately regret my decision. What usually takes minutes feels like it's taking forever, and I consider turning back multiple times.
But finally, the building comes into view, and I let out a sigh of relief. I feel soaked to the bone despite my jacket, water-logged leggings, and shoes weighing me down. Once I make it underneath the overhang outside the department door, I send Johan a text telling him that I’m outside, praying that he hasn't gone home yet.
This was a crazy idea, but if I have to turn him down, I want it done sooner rather than later. I can't have the sadness of it hanging on my heart for too long.
Johan bursts out of the front door within seconds, looking at me with shocked, wide eyes. “What the hell are you doing here at this time of night?” He looks me over, a frown forming rapidly. “And you walked!? Hannah, you’re soaked. Please come inside.”
Frustration is rolling off of him, but I’m more than happy to follow him inside, where I finally feel warmth returning to my toes. Never again am I walking anywhere in a storm like this.
“Answer my question,” Johan repeats, putting his hands on my shoulders. “Why in the hell are you here, Hannah? Not that I don't want to see you, but...you could have just called.”
“Astrid came by my dorm,” I jump right into it, my tone coming off more accusatory than expected. “Upset because of whatever you guys talked about tonight. Because apparently, you had dinner together.”
Johan winces. “I hoped I'd be able to be the one to tell you about that. It wasn’t my idea. My dad invited us over when I called to ask him about the Portmeirion house for the weekend. I felt like I couldn't say no.”
I cross my arms over my chest and stare up at him. “I’m not worried about the dinner. I’m more worried about Astrid. You were pretty rough with her, apparently. She told me you wanted to stop hanging out with her?”
He grimaces, looking guilty. “Well, that’s the truth.”
“And you think breaking her heart the day before we go away was a good idea?”
“Hannah, please, hear me out.” He's frowning, his lips set in a tight line as he reaches for my arms. “I should have done that since the day we were at her place, but you?—”
“She loves you,” I tell him, trying to sound matter-of-fact and not heartbroken. “Truly loves you. If I had never reappeared in your life, you’d have ended up with her.”
“But you did.” Johan cuts his hand through the air to stop me. “Astrid only thinks she loves me. It’s just leftover attraction from the summer and the pressure and expectation coming from our parents. They expect us to be together, which influences her much more than it does me. It’s not love; it's just a desire for the easy life she thinks the two of us will have together.”
“That's not what it sounds like coming from her.” Johan looks like he’s vibrating with pent-up emotions, and I want so badly to hug him. Instead, I continue talking. “Listen, tell me the truth...if I didn't exist, would Astrid be your girlfriend right now?”
Johan freezes, his eyes wide. “I…” he pauses, licking his lips. “I don’t know.”
I fix him with my stare, my resolve deepening. “Answer me.”
He shoves his hands into his pockets, eyes rolling up to the ceiling. “I mean...maybe. On paper, she is a good match. But what I feel for you is different. More.”
This is it. I’m a fucking home-wrecker. His confession hits me hard, a lump forming in my throat. “What does that even mean? What about me makes you want to give up the comfortable future with Astrid that everyone else clearly wants you to have?”
Johan comes forward, cupping my face in his hands and gazing down at me. “Hannah, I don't know why you even bother asking. You already know.”
Energy is sparking between us now, and I feel my body swaying towards him despite the war going on in my head. “Elaborate. Or I leave.”
He clenches his jaw, looking away from me without moving backward, and I realize that he isn't going to explain himself. Whatever is in his heart, he doesn't want to say it out loud. And if he can't even do that for me….
“You can write pretty words, but you can’t speak them?” I search for an answer in his gaze, but all I find is a wave of disappointment. “I can't go with you this weekend. Or see you again. I’m sorry.”
Again, he says nothing, and I can feel my heart cracking in my chest. I jerk away from him and storm out of the building, hot tears cascading down my cheeks, quickly joined by drizzle drops as soon as I’m out in the open again.
I’m barely out the door before he calls my name, followed by the sound of footsteps.
“Hannah! Wait!” he says again.
I stop out of curiosity and hear Johan approaching. He then stands behind me, wraps an arm around my waist, and holds me tight against him. “Hannah, wait,” he says so close to me, and the warmth of his voice gives me goosebumps all over my skin. “Please, wait.”
I can't even look at him; the hurt is too overwhelming. But I stop fighting him and lean back against his chest, the heat from his body soaking through his clothing and warming my own chilled flesh. The drizzle is falling on us, and I let it, enjoying the feeling of being cleansed.
“I need to hear you say it,” I tell him, closing my eyes. “Tell me.”
He sighs into my hair, and then I feel his lips grazing the skin of my neck. “I...care about you. Desperately. I need you, I want you, all of it. Since the day you left back to the Netherlands after the show, I wanted to tell you how special you are, but I didn’t because we both know how wrong this is. What I feel for you terrifies me. But I’d rather be terrified of what I feel for you than not having you.”
I turn in his arms, wanting desperately to look into his eyes. Johan gazes down at me, his wet hair slicked back from his face and his clothes dark with rainwater. I’ve never seen anyone look so beautiful.
“And what about Astrid?” I have to ask, my heart pounding in my chest. “I’m not a home-wrecker. I feel awful.”
“You are not a home-wrecker. I met you before I had anything with her.” He pauses, pressing his lips against my forehead to soothe me. “I’m going to end things with her Monday. But...can we please not talk about her right now? I know that this isn't going to be the last time we have to address this issue, but for now, please, let me kiss you.”
All I can do is nod.
Now he’s leaning down, and his mouth is pressing against mine. It’s not gentle, his teeth nibbling at my lips and his tongue seeking out mine. My head is spinning, and I’m grabbing the front of his shirt and clinging to him for dear life.
Johan wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me up against him, the evidence of his arousal pressing into my stomach.
I’m gasping, and my lips are parting as he thrusts his tongue into my mouth. I melt into him, my arms going around his neck, letting all of my weight fall against him.
It’s like the entire world around us melts away, and there's only the two of us. Only Johan. It might make me a terrible friend...but I can't let this go. Dammit. I just can't.