Chapter 7 #2
We’ve taken everything you said you loved about the original LadyBliss and added extra.
You said you wanted more settings, so we’ve given you more.
From the gentlest whisper to the most powerful pulsation we’ve ever featured on a stimulator, the LadyBliss 2 delivers.
In addition, the LadyBliss 2 is fully waterproof for bathtime fun, and recharges swiftly thanks to the supplied USB lead.
The new Silent Night mode ensures total discretion, allowing you to enjoy LadyBliss 2 in more locations than ever before.
This is exactly the same copy as I saw on the website, and I snort with laughter at the phrase ‘waterproof for bathtime fun’.
Dear God. My idea of the perfect bath is some candles and relaxing bath salts, not grappling with ‘the most powerful pulsation we’ve ever featured’.
Is pulsation even a word? I set the box down and pick up the blister pack with the vibrator inside.
It’s much less intimidating than the ridiculous thing Liv bought.
In fact, at first glance, it could be a lipstick; it’s a similar size and is covered in a sleek, shiny material.
I turn the package over to see if the description of this one is also as ridiculous as the website.
There’s a reason the Joy Unlimited Silver Bullet vibrator has won so many awards, and it has nothing to do with werewolves.
With no fewer than 14 powerful modes, there’s something here for everyone.
Use the tip for maximum stimulation, or lay it lengthwise to spread the sensation over a wider area, the choice is yours.
The Silver Bullet is waterproof and quick to charge, so it’s ready for any adventure.
Adventure? From the way they’re describing it, you’d think it was as indispensable in the wilderness as, say, a compass.
And the waterproof thing again, presumably for more ‘bathtime fun’.
It looks less complicated than the LadyBliss, however, and my eye is drawn to a QR code at the bottom.
The text above urges me to ‘scan here for hints and tips’.
I could probably use some of those, I admit to myself as I follow the link.
The website is surprisingly informative, and I learn that some people find using it directly is a bit much, so it suggests trying it through clothes or underwear to begin with.
There are also some diagrams that show different ways to use it.
After studying the site for a while, I feel sufficiently reassured to take the next step.
I glance across to the dog basket, where Meg is fast asleep.
I’d be happier if she wasn’t in here at all, but she’ll only stand outside the door and whine if I wake her up and throw her out, so I decide to leave her.
She’s not going to know what I’m doing, after all.
It takes a while to wrestle the vibrator out of the blister pack but, when I do, the first surprise is how heavy it is.
It might pass for a lipstick visually, but it would give the game away as soon as someone picked it up.
I set it down on the desk next to my bed, unbutton my jeans and lie down, trying to conjure up some sexy images as I reach for the vibrator and press the button to turn it on.
When it comes to life, I nearly drop it in shock.
Why is it so loud? It sounds like an angry hornet has somehow got into my room, and I’m sure Liv must be able to hear it even though she’s downstairs.
I press the button again to turn it off, but it doesn’t work.
Instead, the intensity of the buzzing goes up several notches.
I keep pressing, but it seems all I’m doing is cycling it through its various modes.
How the hell do I turn it off? It’s now doing a convincing impression of a motorbike going up through the gears.
It’s no good, I’m going to have to consult the website again.
I put the still buzzing vibrator down on my desk as I reach for my phone.
Big mistake. The whole desk seems to act as some kind of sounding board, to the point that people in the street must now be able to hear it.
Not only that, but it’s woken Meg up and she’s staring at it intently.
Thankfully, the din is short lived as it rolls off onto the carpet almost straight away but, no sooner has it landed than Meg is on top of it, grabbing it in her mouth.
‘Drop it, Meg,’ I tell her sternly as I advance on her, but she’s evidently decided this is a new and tremendous game, making sure she moves just out of reach every time I try to grab it.
It’s still making an unholy noise as it rattles against her teeth, but I’m now more worried about her swallowing it.
If I have to take her to the vet because she’s swallowed a ‘waterproof for bathtime fun’ sex toy that would probably still be buzzing in her stomach, that’s going to result in the most humiliating conversation it’s possible to have.
Maybe a piece of cheese, her favourite treat, will persuade her to give it up.
I’m paralysed with indecision though. If I leave her here on her own while I fetch the cheese, she could do herself a mischief.
But there’s no way she’s going to let me near enough to grab her collar and take her with me.
In the end, it seems the only option is to imprison Meg up here while I fetch the cheese.
She’s watching me carefully, wagging her tail as I button up my jeans and make my way over to the door.
I start to open it so I can creep out, but that’s obviously the moment she’s been waiting for as she shoots through the gap with an alacrity I didn’t know she had, evidently keen to put as much distance between us as possible.
I thunder down the stairs after her, only to find her in the sitting room, where Liv is sitting on the sofa with a cup of tea and a macaron, staring at her curiously.
‘What’s this then?’ Liv says to her, offering her a piece of macaron and gently prising the vibrator out of her mouth. ‘What are you doing with Mummy’s toy, eh? It’s not for dogs.’ She looks up at me. ‘Goliath seems to have shrunk in the wash,’ she observes drily.
‘I wasn’t, umm…’ I begin, feeling my face flushing scarlet as she presses the button and holds it in, finally turning the bloody thing off.
‘Hey, no judgement from me,’ she tells me with a smile. ‘I’m just glad you’re taking care of yourself. Maybe shut the dog out next time though, eh? Some things are best done alone. Oh, and definitely give it a good clean before you use it again.’
She holds it out and I take it gingerly, between the tips of my fingers, before fleeing to my room. I could literally die with embarrassment.