Chapter 8 #2
‘It so does. What was the last one you got? Someone had the arse because they thought a fall from a second-floor window wouldn’t cause the type of injuries you’d written. You obsessed over it for days, looking up stuff online and poring over your medical textbooks.’
‘I was sure they were wrong. I just needed to make certain. Anyway, we’re getting off the point. I’m not going on retreat.’
‘Has she sent you the details?’
‘Yes, but I haven’t looked, because I’m not going.’
‘Can I see? I’ve always wondered what goes on on a writers’ retreat. Oddly, nobody seems to run retreats for patissiers. I know, I’ve looked.’
‘Maybe there’s a missed business opportunity for you there.’
‘Where would I get the time? I’m flat out as it is.’ She pours water into the teapot, swirling it round to warm it before emptying it out and spooning in the tea leaves. ‘That’s why I want to see yours, so I can live vicariously through you.’
‘I’ll go and get my laptop. Hang on.’
It only takes me a minute to fetch it from upstairs but, by the time I return, she’s already placed two chocolate éclairs on plates.
‘They were left over,’ she explains when she sees my raised eyebrows. ‘It seemed a shame to waste them. We’ve got a couple of minutes before the tea is ready, so let’s have a gander.’
I click the links that Tamara has sent me, loading each one onto a new browser tab, before handing the laptop over to an eager Liv.
‘Don’t get tea or éclair on it,’ I warn her. ‘That thing is expensive and doesn’t react well to liquids or baked goods.’
‘Relax, I’m being careful. OK, so number one is in Tuscany. Looks like a nice place, and all your meals are provided. They even give you wine with dinner.’
‘Not being funny, but I eat and drink pretty well here.’
‘Of course you do. I’m a fabulous chef, among my many other talents.’
‘Modesty being chief among them,’ I say with a laugh.
‘Ha. Modesty is overrated in my opinion. If you’re good at something, be honest about it.
First rule of marketing. How successful do you think my business would be if my advertising was modest?
Come to Maison Olivia, where you’ll get a tolerable macaron and hopefully leave without being poisoned?
No. Come to Maison Olivia, because it’s the best bloody patisserie in East Kent.
Anyway, brilliant chef as I am, I still think eating genuine Italian food in Italy would be worth the trip on its own. ’
‘Mm-hm. What about the writing retreat bit?’
‘Let me see. It says there are a number of places for writing, including their very own library, tables and chairs in the garden, or your room if you prefer. That’s OK, isn’t it?
Sitting under an olive tree, typing away.
Sounds blissful if you ask me. There’s also a retreat leader on hand to give guidance and feedback, and each day starts with a session on story arcs, character journeys and keeping the reader engaged, whatever those things mean. ’
‘See, that’s what I’m talking about. If there’s anything guaranteed to send me down a rabbit hole into analysis paralysis, it’s someone telling me how to write a story arc or questioning my character journey.
Having confidence in your writing is difficult enough without someone standing over your shoulder and telling you you’re doing it all wrong. ’
‘OK. We’ll rule this one out. The next one is in Croatia. Oh, hang on. Same problem with the daily sessions, although they’ve upped the ante by saying the person running the daily sessions is a leading industry professional.’
‘That’s even worse.’
‘This one looks interesting. South of France – nice – and no daily sessions. There’s a mentor if you want one, but other than that it looks like you’re left to your own devices.
They also lay on trips to local markets and other activities to give you breaks if you want to recharge.
Again, all your meals are provided, including dinner with wine and a bar with an honesty box.
Fuck it, Laura. If you don’t go, I’ll pretend to be you and go instead. Have a look.’
She pushes the laptop over to me and focuses on pouring out the tea.
She’s right; it does look nice. The house is large and decorated in a very French style, although the website states that the owners are English.
There are artistic shots of delicious-looking plates of food in the dining room, the well-stocked bar, the bedrooms and gardens.
The text makes it clear that the owners are aware that writers are a diverse bunch, so you can be as social or antisocial as you want.
The only time you all have to be together is for meals.
‘What do you think?’ Liv asks.
‘I’m still not sure.’
‘Why don’t we let fate decide?’
‘What have you got in mind?’
‘It seems to me that you have two fundamental blocks where this retreat is concerned. One is the fact that you’re convinced you’re going to hate it. But, as we’ve already agreed, you won’t know that until you try it, so we’ll mark that one as resolved. The second is Meg.’
‘Yes.’
‘So, I’m going to challenge you to investigate doggy daycare options. If they’re all terrible, then you stay. But if you find one you like, that’s the universe clearing a path for you and you have to go.’
‘I don’t know, Liv.’
‘Look, she’s not going to feel totally abandoned. Apart from the fact that, love her as I do, her emotions just aren’t that complex, I’m still going to be here for her in the evenings so she’ll have continuity. Just do a bit of research, will you?’
I sigh. ‘Fine. I won’t find anywhere though, I’m certain of that.’