Chapter 14 #2
‘Now you need to think about what happens. He’s bending over the sink when she hits him with the kettle, because he’s trying to get to the cold water to splash it on his face.
The force of that blow is going to stun him for a moment, so he’s still there when she stabs him for the first time.
The initial spurt will therefore be low level, probably across the worktop.
However, what’s the first thing he’s going to do when he feels her plunge the knife in?
He’s going to straighten up and probably turn around, so now you’re looking at an arc of arterial spray across the wall.
Also, she’s now going to be stabbing him on the left of his neck. ’
‘Must you?’ Gina interrupts crossly. ‘I know this kind of thing is absolutely fascinating to people like you, but it’s hardly suitable for the dinner table. Perhaps someone else would like to contribute a more tasteful snippet of their morning’s work?’
‘I’ve been struggling with something that I’d appreciate the group’s help with, actually,’ Lynette says quickly.
Gina’s face is a mask of suspicion, but she evidently realises she’s fallen into a trap of her own making and has no option but to try to style it out.
‘Really?’ she says smoothly. ‘I’m sure we’d all love to help. What’s the problem?’
‘I’m struggling with synonyms for an erect penis,’ Lynette announces triumphantly, causing Gina to flinch. ‘I’ve used all the usual ones – cock, shaft and so on. Throbbing member is a possibility, but that just sounds a bit like an angry bank manager at a golf club. Any ideas?’
‘For God’s sake!’ Gina exclaims, clearly trying to cut her off, but the damage is done. Lynette is beaming with delight. ‘There must be someone around this table who is writing something we can discuss in a civilised manner. Finn, tell us about you.’
‘I’d prefer to keep my project under wraps for the time being,’ Finn says tactfully, impressing me with his ability to dodge Gina’s question.
Thankfully, the conversation pauses as Cara and Hugh bring out the starters.
The terrine is not quite what I was expecting; it’s basically small pieces of meat and vegetables in a kind of jelly and doesn’t look particularly appetising, but I can almost hear Liv’s voice in my ear telling me not to judge it without tasting it first.
‘How is it?’ Finn asks as I take a mouthful.
‘It’s OK, actually. More flavour than I was expecting.’
‘Interesting. Gina, Suzie and Grace are obviously enjoying it too.’
I follow his gaze and have to stifle a laugh as Gina takes a big mouthful, closing her eyes and sighing as she chews. You’d think she was tasting a fine wine rather than a slightly unusual paté.
‘This is fabulous,’ she says when Cara emerges from the kitchen a moment or two later. ‘You must give me the recipe.’
‘I’m happy to do that, but I have to warn you that it is a bit of a faff to make and you might struggle to find some of the ingredients in England.’
‘Oh, I’m sure there isn’t anything here that the chap in our charming local delicatessen can’t source,’ Gina says dismissively. ‘If he can get the ingredients for an Ottolenghi recipe, I’m sure he won’t struggle with a rustic French dish like this.’
‘Fair enough,’ Cara replies. ‘There aren’t any set quantities, but basically you start by boiling the head of a pig or wild boar and a couple of trotters for three hours or so.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Suzie interrupts, looking horrified. ‘Are you saying there’s a pig’s head in this?’
‘Absolutely. All the meaty parts of the terrine come from the head, especially the cheeks and tongue, but there’s also some from the ears and snout.
The jelly is made from the stock the head was boiled in, and then you simply add vegetables and aromatics.
It’s not actually hard, it just takes a long time. ’
‘That’s disgusting!’ Grace cries, shoving her plate away from her so hard that it almost falls off the other side of the table. Suzie looks like she might be about to cry and Gina has raised her napkin to her lips, not-so-subtly ejecting the terrine from her mouth into it.
‘Quand en France…’ Lynette says triumphantly, earning herself a filthy look from Gina.
‘I do think,’ Gina says, evidently trying to rescue the situation, ‘that it would be wise in future to warn us, Cara, before serving foods that might be more challenging to a British palate. We’re all adventurers on life’s journey and I’m as open minded as the next person, but sometimes we might need to dip a toe into the waters of a country’s more barbaric practices before jumping in completely, if that makes sense. ’
‘I’m sorry, but I can’t let that go unchallenged,’ Finn tells her.
‘I’ll confess that I had the soup because I googled the terrine before making my choice and realised it wouldn’t be for me.
Correct me if I’m wrong here, Cara, but isn’t it basically the same as brawn, which is as British as they come? ’
‘There are a few minor differences, but the basic ingredients are the same,’ Cara agrees. ‘I’m sorry you didn’t like it, Gina, and I’ll certainly provide trigger warnings in future if you think they might help. Simply make a list of things you’re not keen on. Did you like it, Laura?’
‘It’s actually really nice, even if the texture is a little unusual. My best friend Liv would approve, too. She’s a big fan of nose-to-tail eating, not wasting any part of an animal, so I’m sure she’s come across it in her travels.’
I glance up the table towards Gina, who is no longer looking even vaguely smug any more.
I know I said I wasn’t going to enter into the politics between her and Lynette, but she’s being so insufferable that I can’t resist. Unfortunately for Finn, he’s also put himself firmly in her crosshairs after challenging her so openly, so I suspect she’ll be looking for any excuse to bring him down, whether I’m acting as a human shield or not.
At least it’s not dull, I suppose.