Chapter 23
‘You’re kidding!’ On the screen, Liv’s face is a mask of horror.
‘I wish I was,’ I tell her. ‘He was waiting for me when I got back from my sightseeing trip.’
‘What on earth was he thinking?’
‘He somehow got it into his head that me telling him to piss off and never contact me again actually meant that I still loved him.’
‘That’s some seriously fucked-up logic. How does that even work?’
‘According to him, I wouldn’t have been angry if I didn’t still care about him.’
‘Delusional, but you’ve got to admire his persistence, I suppose. What are you going to do?’
‘I don’t know! That’s why I called. I need advice, urgently.’
‘Hmm. OK, how did you feel when you saw him?’
‘Shocked, mainly, then angry. Why?’
‘And why do you think you were angry?’
‘Because life here is difficult enough without Angus coming in and stirring the pot. Honestly, I thought Gina was going to have a coronary.’
‘Which one is she?’
‘Ringleader, snotty cow.’
‘Oh, yes. What’s it got to do with her?’
‘She’s on her high horse because Angus isn’t a writer and this is supposed to be a writing retreat. Plus, he obviously let on that he was looking for me, so not only does she think he shouldn’t be here in the first place, she’s blaming me for it.’
‘I’d tell her to piss off. What?’
I grin. ‘I kind of did, but it was a bit stronger than that. I’m not sure she’s speaking to me now.’
‘Good for you. Interfering old bat. It’s not your fault Angus is there. I mean, it kind of is, but you didn’t invite him, did you? And if the criteria for staying were that strict then the hosts should have told him he didn’t meet them and turned his booking down.’
‘I think we can assume Gina and I aren’t going to be besties. I’m not convinced she doesn’t blame me for Finn being here as well.’
‘I thought he was flying under the radar.’
‘So did I, but it turns out Lynette would make a sieve look watertight. Those two are thick as thieves at the moment, so I guess Lynette had no compunction about throwing Finn under the bus. At least he wasn’t here to cop the flak.’
‘Have you heard from him?’
‘Yes. The presentation went well and he’s optimistic.’
‘And how did that make you feel?’
‘He put kisses on the end of his messages.’
‘Did he now?’
‘Yeah, but then so did I, so maybe he was just responding in kind.’
‘But you hope not.’
‘I did like it.’
Her mouth curves into a smile. ‘Does Angus know about Finn?’
‘Of course not! It’s none of his business.’
‘Aha!’ Her smile widens as her face lights up in triumph.
‘What?’
‘There’s an “it” between you and Finn.’
‘Sorry, I’m not following you.’
‘I asked if Angus knew about you and Finn. You said it was none of his business. Ergo, there’s an it, which is a thing, between you and Finn.’
‘You know I said I was after some advice?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’m kind of regretting that now.’
‘Nonsense. I should be charging you for this shit. Freud has nothing on me. So, do we agree that there is something between you and Finn?’
I sigh. ‘I don’t know.’
‘OK, let’s rephrase it. Can we agree that you’d like there to be something between you and Finn, at least?’
‘I don’t know that either. I mean, I really like him, but maybe it’s not meant to be anything more than friendship.’
‘Sorry, but that’s a coward’s answer.’
‘No, it’s a realist’s answer. I don’t know enough about him to work out if we’d be compatible, and I don’t want to get burned again.’
‘And yet the kisses on his texts, which may be nothing more than force of habit, have made you all gooey.’
I sigh. ‘They have.’
‘I’m going to leave that with you to think about. Back to Angus.’
‘Must we?’
‘I think we can both agree that he’s your most pressing problem, given that he’s literally there in your face.’
‘Maybe I don’t need to do anything, just wait for Gina to murder him.’
‘She might murder you if she thinks you’re responsible for his arrival.’
‘What a mess.’
Liv grins. ‘I don’t know. You were after inspiration, weren’t you? Take me through the cast of characters on this retreat again.’
I’m relieved by the distraction. ‘So we’ve got Gina at the top of the Double-Doubles, which are made up of her, Suzie and Grace.’
‘The loyal acolytes,’ Liv agrees.
‘Not so loyal, actually. They both admitted to me this morning that Gina’s getting up their noses.’
‘Interesting. Go on.’
‘Then there’s Tess, the retreat leader. She’s pretty much neutral in all this.’
‘Swiss Tess, we’ll call her. Next?’
‘Lynette. Gina’s sister. They traditionally hate each other, but seem to have overcome their differences to work together on Gina’s book. Then there’s me, and now bloody Angus.’
‘Sounds like the perfect backdrop for an Agatha Christie novel. What’s the one where everyone dies?’
‘And Then There Were None,’ I tell her.
‘That’s it. So, Angus realises you don’t want him back because you’re in love with Finn and he murders you in a fit of jealous rage.
Unfortunately, Lynette sees it and tries to blackmail him, so he poisons her.
Gina is unsure whether she’s more outraged by the death of the sister she hated for so long but is now strangely reconciled to, or the fact that Angus isn’t a writer.
Either way, she stabs him to death with a fountain pen. ’
‘I’m not sure a fountain pen is a very good murder weapon. I guess you could stab someone in the eye with it and blind them, but I don’t know if you could inflict a fatal wound.’
‘Something else, then. She bashes his head in with the ancient typewriter she insists on using for her writing. Meanwhile, one of the Double-Doubles has been plotting to murder Gina, because she’s dumped them in favour of Lynette. I’m thinking poisoning, but we’ve already used that, haven’t we.’
‘It is considerably tidier than shooting, stabbing or bashing someone’s head in with a typewriter though. No blood to clear up, unless the victim coughs some up, of course.’
‘Which one of them is the murderer?’
‘Grace, I reckon,’ I tell her. ‘She was the first to break ranks.’
‘Excellent. Suzie can discover the body, have a change of heart and turn on Grace. Who’s left?’
‘Swiss Tess. Nobody hates her.’
‘We need a mastermind. It could be her. Maybe she’s got some secret vendetta against all of you.’
‘What about Finn? He was here at the beginning, after all.’
‘Good point, but I’m sure there are lots of options. Maybe he ingested something before he left that’s going to kill him later. Or he’s in cahoots with Tess – a stooge. No, this is it. He hears about you and dies of a broken heart.’
‘You’ve still got some loose ends,’ I point out. ‘Cara and Hugh, who own the house.’
‘Oh, bugger. OK. Swiss Tess hasn’t killed anyone directly yet, so maybe she polishes them off simply so there are no witnesses.
Unfortunately, she bungles it and Hugh doesn’t die straight away.
As he’s lying on the ground in agony, she uses the opportunity to do a load of monologuing about how she pulled the strings and why she wanted everyone dead. ’
‘Monologuing?’
‘Yes, it’s compulsory. Villains always have to reveal their secret plan in a monologue just before the hero turns the tables.’
‘We don’t have a hero though. Everyone’s dead or dying.’
‘Exactly. She thinks Hugh is incapacitated and his movements are merely him writhing in pain, but he’s secretly trying to get to the sideboard, where he’s got a gun concealed.
She’s so busy with her monologue that she doesn’t notice what he’s up to and so, with his last few gasping breaths, he lifts the gun and shoots her in the forehead. ’
‘Impressive. I like it.’
‘You can have it for your next book. The usual fees apply.’
‘Which are?’
‘Oh, I don’t know. My name in the acknowledgements as your muse, a case of wine…’
‘My muse?’ I can’t help laughing now.
‘Yeah, why not? I’ve always fancied being someone’s muse.’
‘Talking of which, how is the lovely Donna?’
‘She’s fine.’
‘Mmm-hmm?’
‘What?’
‘You’ve clammed up, Liv. That means one of two things.
Either it’s all imploded spectacularly and you’re trying to avoid talking about it, or you’ve fallen so hard that you’re already thinking about what to wear for your wedding.
I’m guessing, given that you seem to be in a pretty good mood generally, that it’s the second. ’
Now it’s her turn to sigh, and I laugh again.
‘Oh dear,’ I observe. ‘You have got it bad.’
Our conversation is interrupted by a soft knocking at my door.
‘Hang on,’ I say to Liv. ‘Back in a mo.’
I place the handset on my bedside table and cross the room to open the door. My visitor is neither a surprise nor welcome.
‘I’m on the phone,’ I say to Angus. ‘Go away.’
‘Who are you talking to? Liv?’
‘Yes, not that it’s any of your business.’
‘Are you talking about me?’
‘No. Funnily enough, neither of us find you that interesting. Was there something you wanted?’
‘I thought we could talk.’
‘Well, we can’t. I’m busy.’
‘Later then?’
‘Angus, there isn’t anything to talk about.’
‘Have you thought about what I said earlier, at least?’
‘I really haven’t,’ I lie. If I give even the slightest hint that Liv and I have been discussing his arrival and picking it apart, he’ll take that as a positive sign and I need to shut that down.
I know it sounds cruel, but it would be worse to let him think there’s a possibility of us getting back together, only to dash his hopes later.
He sighs expressively. ‘I’ll see you at dinner. Maybe we can talk then.’
‘I doubt it. Look, I’ve got to go.’
I think the message might just be starting to percolate through, as he does look a little crestfallen as I close the door. My brief pang of guilt is swiftly swept aside by the voice from my bedside table.
‘Bloody hell. Talk about needy,’ Liv says dismissively.
‘You heard?’
‘Of course I heard. I’m on loudspeaker. I might as well be standing next to you.’
‘So you see the problem.’
‘No. I can see the ceiling. The problem was in the doorway. What are you going to do?’
‘Isn’t that where we started? I guess I just have to keep repeating the same message until he gets it. Anyway, stop changing the subject. Donna. Spill.’
‘Fine. Yes, she’s amazing, OK? We connect on so many levels. I think it helps that we’ve both seen a lot of the world. She gets me, does that make sense?’
‘Don’t I get you?’ I ask, unable to keep the hurt out of my voice.
‘Of course you do, but I’m not having sex with you, am I?’
‘Things have moved on then?’
She harrumphs, evidently irritated at being caught out so easily. ‘They might have done,’ she says cagily.
‘And?’
‘And what? I’m not giving you a blow-by-blow account, Laura. Even by my admittedly low standards, that’s too much information.’
‘Is it good, that’s all I want to know. Are you happy?’
‘It is very good, and I am very happy. As is Meg, since you didn’t ask.
Having two of her favourite human beings together in the evenings is like whatever the doggy equivalent of catnip is.
The only problem is that she does get terribly jealous.
If Donna and I start to cuddle, she doesn’t like it at all. ’
I smile. ‘Don’t worry. She was just the same with Angus and me. Barking, then trying to get in between to separate us. We used to have to shut her out of the bedroom if we wanted to have sex, and then she’d quite often spend the whole time whining on the other side of the door.’
‘That sounds familiar.’ Liv laughs. ‘If you’re interested, we’ve solved it.’
‘Really? How?’
‘Firstly, don’t leave the room together. She knows something’s up and will be out of the door ahead of you if you do that. So, after some experimenting, we worked out that the best approach was for one of us to leave the room while the other sets up the distraction before following.’
‘Distraction?’
‘Nature documentaries on TV. She absolutely loves them. Stick David Attenborough and some wildebeest on there and she’s transfixed.
To be fair, she quite likes farming programmes too, although we had to stop her from watching Countryfile because she tried to join in whenever there was a sheepdog doing something, and her claws were scratching the TV stand.
We did try her on Clarkson’s Farm, but there’s too much machinery and not enough animals to hold her attention. What?’
‘If you’ve tried all those programmes already, that seems like an awful lot of sex in a short time.’
Liv blushes slightly, catching me by surprise. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her blush before. ‘We’ve discovered that we’re very compatible sexually as well as emotionally,’ she admits coyly.
‘I’m delighted for you,’ I tell her, embarrassed myself now. ‘I’m not sure how I feel about you experimenting on my dog though.’
‘It’s not experimentation, it’s entertainment. It was Donna’s idea, actually. She said that not all dogs have the brainpower to interpret the images on TV, but she reckoned Meg, being so bright, would be able to do it and she was right.’
I laugh, pleased that we’ve defused the slightly awkward moment. ‘Flattery will get you everywhere. Tell me Meg is a genius and I’ll let you do whatever you like.’
The conversation flows easily for another twenty minutes or so.
After we finish, I lie on the bed and reflect on what’s been said.
I’m not sure I found her advice about Finn and Angus terribly useful, although I have to admit I did enjoy discussing the ‘murder at the writers’ retreat’ plot much more than I perhaps should have.
Although we obviously both found her revelation about her sex life with Donna a bit too much information, I am genuinely happy for her, because I don’t think I’ve ever seen her this excited about someone before.
It does present me with a problem though.
Despite her assurances, I’m certain I’m going to be playing gooseberry to the two of them, and that’s going to be awkward.
The other disturbing result of our conversation is that it stirred up memories of Angus and me trying to find ways to have sex without alerting Meg and, though I hate to admit it, they weren’t completely unpleasant.
He may have been a lazy lover, but he’s familiar, and that’s much less frightening than the prospect of having sex with someone new for the first time.