Chapter 5
CHAPTER FIVE
To Do:
- Fine tune presentation for bank meeting
- Impact statement!!
- Take donations to shelter
“How do you feel when you finish a proposal?” Dr. Goulding leaned back in her armchair and took a sip of herbal tea. A bright pink blouse popped against her ebony skin.
Her Ivy League doctorate hung on the wall, and it was just the slightest bit crooked. There was a level on the multi-tool in Claire’s purse, but something told her Dr. Goulding wouldn’t appreciate the gesture.
Claire plastered a smile on her face. “Happy, of course. I love bringing people together. That’s why I made it my life’s work.”
Why was she sinking so much time into therapy? She could have been working on Brad’s proposal this whole time. An hour wasted.
“And when everything is packed up, the couple’s gone, and your work is finished, how do you feel then?”
Claire paused for a beat.
“Motivated to start working on the next proposal?” That probably should have been a confident reply rather than a question.
“You don’t like to be still,” the doctor observed. She looked too young to be the mother of a nearly thirty-year-old man. She swept her cornrows over one shoulder and shoved her cat-eye glasses back up the bridge of her nose.
“I like to keep busy,” Claire conceded.
“Do you ever take a moment to be still? To stay in the moment, to appreciate what’s happening around you?”
“I do yoga.” She huffed. While listening to audiobooks about business management, but Dr. Goulding didn’t need to know that.
“Mindfulness, Claire.” The doctor capped her pen. “That’s part of your homework for the coming week. You’re living too much in the future. You’re borderline obsessed with planning, with creating. All admirable skills for a business owner, and understandable considering your history. But you also need to learn to be okay when your plans don’t come to fruition. You need to learn to look around, take a deep breath, and appreciate the moment.”
“How do you want me to do that?”
“Get some drinks with your friends. Have a date night with Luke. Get in your car and drive somewhere you’ve never been. Or just do something spontaneous, something that feels very un-Claire. Wherever it is, whatever you’re doing, don’t think about the future. Don’t think about the embarrassing thing you did in the grocery store?—”
“I told you that in confidence!”
Dr. Goulding smiled. “Don’t be bound by the cloudiness of your future or the hurt in your past. Just live, Claire.”
Claire wrinkled her nose. This was the kind of advice she’d expect to get from her nude stepmother.
“And now, to completely contradict myself, we also need to talk about what’s happening tomorrow. And on Thursday.”
“Do we have to?”
“This is therapy. I wouldn’t be doing my job if we didn’t at least talk about it. You have a meeting with the bank tomorrow?”
Claire exhaled noisily. “Yes. We’re trying to get a small business loan to help out with the cost of expanding.”
“How does it make you feel to borrow that kind of money?”
She clutched a hand to her chest as her heart beat a staccato rhythm beneath her palm. “Awful. It feels reckless and irresponsible. My heart’s pounding just thinking about it. But it’s necessary. At least the analyst we hired thinks so.”
Dr. Goulding leaned forward. “And what will you accomplish with the money?”
“Expand. Try things on the West Coast.”
“And why now, after so much success in West Haven, are you interested in doing business three thousand miles away? In one of the most expensive cities in the world?”
Claire crossed her arms. “I thought you were on my side.”
The doctor smiled. “I am. I’m trying to prepare you for questions the bank may have.”
“Oh. Right. Well, I’m going to give the bank the numbers-and-projections speech. But I’m sure you’re more interested in the emotional component.”
Dr. Goulding nodded. “Go on.”
“I think…” It was weird to even say this out loud. “I think I might be spending more time on the West Coast in the future. Charlie and Brianna are both out there. And Luke spends a lot of time there too. I don’t like the idea of spending weeks and weeks away from him while he has to be at the studio. If I’m going to be out there anyway, I might as well be working.”
The doctor smiled. “You’re factoring Luke into your future. That’s really nice to see.”
“Yeah, well. As long as he doesn’t dump me for my nemesis. Anyway, all of those emotional factors plus the potential for exposure and business growth kind of cemented the idea.” She narrowed her eyes. “Is it totally crazy?”
Dr. Goulding’s mouth twitched. “We try to avoid that adjective in the field of psychology.”
Claire grimaced. “Right. Sorry. Is it irrational, then?”
Dr. Goulding shook her head. “I’m not a business consultant, but you’ve built a strong company. You are organized, disciplined, and diligent. Sometimes you have to take a risk in order to grow. Risks are scary, but they can lead to amazing things. I have faith in you.”
“Thank you.” Claire leaned back. As much as she hated to admit it, the crushing weight that had rested on her shoulders when she came in might have lightened by a couple of ounces. Maybe there was something to therapy after all.
“So. Thursday,” Dr. Goulding prompted.
Damn it. She had almost forgotten. Claire frowned.
“Sawyer mentioned that Barney will be accepting a plea deal,” the doctor continued.
Claire crossed her arms. “Isn’t it unethical to discuss clients with your children?”
The doctor set her teacup down on the coffee table with a rattle. “He told me because he suspected you wouldn’t. How do you feel about the plea deal?”
Claire inhaled deeply and made eye contact with the ceiling. She gripped an accent pillow with a pug on it and held it to her chest.
“To be honest, I feel betrayed. I’ve been trying not to think about it because the best-case scenario is Barney gets ten years in prison. Worst-case scenario is maybe five. And that doesn’t take into account a year of time served. He took so much from me, and it feels like the justice system is failing.”
Dr. Goulding nodded. “Ten years is not a lot of time.”
“It isn’t. In ten years, I hope to be married, maybe have a mini-Claire or two. How can I bring a child into this world knowing that that monster is still out there?” She gestured at the window, where a beady-eyed pigeon bobbed his head. “Not to mention that when I get married—if I get married—I’ll officially fit the West Haven Widowmaker’s criteria. What’s to stop him from trying to kill me again? From hurting my husband or my children? And then the fact that he’s not working alone?—”
Wait. ESA was strictly need-to-know information. Her father would blow a gasket if she talked about ESA in a room that hadn’t even been swept for bugs.
“There’s a lot to be worried about,” the doctor said. Her voice was like aloe vera. “How do you feel about facing him in court? Have you started working on your statement?”
Claire shrugged. “Facing him doesn’t scare me as much anymore after my visit to him in prison.” The FBI had pressured her into visiting Barney. As uncomfortable as it was, it had led to the recovery of Kayley Herrold’s body.
“It makes me physically ill to look at him, to see the evil in his eyes and remember that night, but it’s not as scary as it used to be,” she added.
Dr. Goulding nodded and was silent.
Claire gripped the pillow harder. “As for the impact statement, I have sat down at my laptop half a dozen times the last couple days, looking for the words. How do you even begin to explain the ‘impact’ he’s had on my life? And he’ll be there when I read it. He loves rehashing his crimes. I don’t want him to get some sort of sick pleasure from it.”
The doctor’s eyebrows knit together. “A victim impact statement is meant to be a way for you to show how the crime and the perpetrator have affected your life. He’ll be there to hear it, yes, but he’s not your audience. You’re telling the judge how this has changed your life. Usually victims talk about how they have changed emotionally, financially. What did his actions cost you?”
Claire bit her lip and set her gaze on the window. The pigeon stared inquisitively back at her. In truth, Barney had nearly cost her everything. At the most superficial level, he had taken her one-of-a-kind wedding dress and her business reputation. Panties from her hamper. Her sense of security, faith in the basic good of humankind, her belief in herself. He had almost taken her life. He took what he wanted with no mercy or remorse. But he wasn’t going to get away with it. She would write the damn thing, and she would land him in prison for as long as possible. And he would be there to see it.
Dr. Goulding glanced at the clock on the wall. “I’m afraid our time’s up for the day. I’m more than happy to schedule another session before the hearing if you think it’ll be useful.”
Claire shook her head and jumped up. “I’ll be fine. Thanks, Doctor.”
When the door snapped shut behind her, Claire leaned against it and took a deep breath. All she had to do was take out a massive business loan, pull off the biggest proposal of her career, take down a ring of serial killers, and stare into the eyes of the man who tried to murder her. Easy peasy.