Chapter 16
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
To Do:
- Make that money
- Save the furbabies
“Ladies and gentlemen,” Claire called into her wireless microphone. The stage lights shone down oppressively, disguising everyone past the first row as shapeless blobs. Had she applied enough deodorant that morning? Were the sequins on her ringleader outfit covering up her back sweat?
Her heart jumped in her chest as she stared out at the completely full tables. Miraculously, beyond the two hundred people from the assisted living facility, a last-minute social media post from Brianna had resulted in another hundred attendees. They even had to turn some people away.
“Thank you all for coming tonight. I hope you enjoyed the art.” There was some polite applause. “We’re here tonight to save an organization that is very near and dear to my heart, Tender Hearts Animal Rescue. Tender Hearts is a no-kill animal shelter that accepts all animals, not just the healthy ones that are likely to be adopted quickly. This is the shelter I adopted my dog from two years ago. Rosie?”
Claire whistled, and Rosie ran out on stage, reluctantly clad in a top hat and her sparkly ringleader outfit. There was a chorus of aww from the audience. Claire gave her a treat, and Luke whistled offstage. Rosie ran back to him and flopped on her back.
“For your entertainment while you enjoy a four-course dinner from the country club’s own Chef Stephanie, you’re going to meet the animals you’re helping to save. Some of them have disabilities, but they are still more than capable of filling your homes with love and joy.” She signaled to Mindy, and the house lights dimmed as the curtains opened. A small agility course was revealed. The banner was definitely crooked, but hopefully it added to the whimsy of the talent show.
Mindy burst through the backdoors with Maggie, a three-legged yellow lab. Everyone in the audience turned to look. Mindy could have passed for a Vegas showgirl.
“Please put your hands together for Maggie, a four-year-old lab with three legs and a heart of gold.” Mindy gestured to the dog, who panted happily and slobbered in the lap of a local malpractice lawyer.
“Maggie enjoys long, slightly lopsided walks and watching re-runs of baking shows. But don’t let this tripod fool you, she has more poise and grace than the New York Ballet Company.” After tugging Maggie away from a sociology professor’s dinner roll, the pair climbed the steps to the stage. Mindy handed Maggie off to Gloria, co-owner of Tender Hearts, who had mercifully agreed to change out of her denim overalls for the occasion.
Waiters had begun to descend with salad and bread, but most of the audience wasn’t watching as their food arrived.
Gloria let Maggie off her leash and gave her a “stay” command. Gloria moved to the opposite side of the obstacle course and whistled. Maggie dove through the course, rocketing through a small tunnel and leaping between staggered cones. She ran up a ramp and jumped through a hoop before gracefully landing on the other side. She continued to run, gathering speed before clearing a hurdle at the end of the stage. Gloria raised her hands triumphantly, and the audience broke into thunderous applause. The curtains swung shut, and stage hands hurried to move the agility course offstage.
Oh, shit. Claire had been so busy watching Maggie do her course that she had forgotten she was introducing the next dog. She darted into the hallway and jogged to the foyer, squashing her boobs flat as she ran. This was no time to lose an eye. She grabbed the next dog, Brodie, from Sam, and squeezed in a couple deep breaths. The attendees would be looking at the dog, not her. There was no reason to freak out. She should have taken a shot of whiskey before slithering into this ridiculous outfit.
She switched on her wireless microphone and opened the doors. Brodie zoomed inside next to her, hind legs bound up in a wheelchair.
“Next we have Brodie, a red dachshund who comes with his own set of wheels,” Claire announced. Her voice boomed back at her from the speakers in the corner of the room. All eyes turned to look at her. Damn it. They were supposed to focus on the dog. There was no way all these probing eyes were going to miss the small ocean of back sweat lurking under her costume.
She caught Nicole’s eye as she passed her table, and she pointed to Claire’s boobs and gave an enthusiastic thumbs up.
The dachshund shoved his snoot into a woman’s purse, and Claire gently tugged him away. “Brodie is just as happy at the lake as he is cuddled under a puddle of blankets on your lap. Be careful if you meet him, because he’ll steal your heart. What he lacks in stair-climbing ability, he makes up for with a convenient, portable size and a very special talent.”
By some miracle, she had reached the stage without tripping or sweating on someone. Brodie’s tongue flopped out as she picked him up and gently placed him onstage, where Gloria took the leash and led him to the center. Three miniature tennis balls hit the ground. Brodie’s front legs danced anxiously.
“Wait. Wait,” Gloria said, holding her hand up to Brodie. He maintained eye contact. “Okay.”
The little dog careened forward and snatched all three tennis balls from the floor. He faced the audience, cheeks and mouth full of balls. The crowd applauded again. Claire escorted Brodie backstage and tucked him back into his designated crate.
Mindy’s voice came over the speaker, announcing the arrival of Mittens, a one-eyed Persian cat who was about to jump six feet in the air with the help of a laser pointer.
“I’m not going to lie,” someone said in Claire’s ear. “I feel ridiculous.”
She turned. Brianna stood next to her, looking absurdly beautiful in her costume. She was going to escort the last animal as a surprise for the audience.
“You look beautiful. I really hope we’re not about to accidentally sell you into sex trafficking.”
Brianna waved her hand. “I’ll be fine. Don’t you have to go escort a bird?”
“Dammit. You’re right.” Claire turned and half-jogged to the hallway.
By the time the forks were scraping up the last of the entrée course, Claire’s hair hung in damp ringlets down her back and her legs ached from hurrying in heels. Her toes were pinched, her makeup was almost certainly smudged all over the place, and she probably looked like a homeless sewer rat. But if they pulled this off, it would all be worth it.
Mindy and Claire took the stage together. Mindy’s brow glistened under the lights, but Claire almost certainly looked like she had just emerged from the deep end of the country club’s pool.
“And now, as an extra special treat, please welcome our last rescue animal, escorted by my sister, actress Brianna Hartley.”
Brianna threw the doors open in her fishnet stockings and matching ringleader outfit. The audience gasped. Some of them jumped to their feet. Applause broke out, and more people climbed to their feet. She tapped her mic before speaking.
“Thank you, West Haven! Here we have Earl Grey, or Earl for short, an English sheepdog who doesn’t let his deafness interfere with daily life. He enjoys lying in front of fireplaces—sir, if you want to keep your fingers unbroken, I recommend that you keep them to yourself.”
Brianna paused her monologue to cast a sharp look at a middle-aged man with a shining bald spot and basketball themed tie. He withdrew his hand from her ass and leered at her. Sawyer jumped up from his table and put a hand on the man’s shoulder.
Brianna continued her walk—make that strut—with Earl Grey. She climbed the stairs effortlessly and took to the stage as though she had been born there. When she dropped the leash and gave Earl a hand signal, he stayed, panting happily, while she crossed to the middle of the stage and picked a treat from a bowl.
She tossed it toward him, a little too high, and he leapt and snatched it from the air. The audience applauded as Sawyer led the creepy basketball guy from the room. They didn’t need his money.
Brianna took another treat and backed up. There was easily ten feet of space between her and Earl. She tossed the treat underhand, and Earl jumped and caught it with ease. He turned in place twice before settling down. Brianna picked a third treat from the bowl and took several more steps back. Could she even throw that far?
Bang . Something metallic clanged backstage.
Claire whipped her head around. The back of her neck prickled. “Do you hear something?” she whispered to Mindy.
As she pulled the curtain back, Brianna shrieked onstage. Peg, a high-energy Doberman who had shown off her rolling-over ability, barreled through the curtain and snatched the treat from the air. She trotted across the stage and stood on her back legs, putting her front paws on Brianna.
“Shit! How did she get out? We need to get her back in the crate.”
“Uh, Claire?” Mindy called from backstage.
“What?”
Mindy pointed to the crating area with a shaking finger. A dozen crate doors hung wide open. The only animal still inside was Toots, an overweight chihuahua who wasn’t about to let some silly crate door tell him what to do. Claire shut his door and turned to Mindy.
“Oh my god. Get Gloria.”
Screams and laughter came from the audience. Claire barreled back onstage. Felix and Archer, two chubby ginger cats, had leapt onto the tables and started eating leftovers. Cracker, an eighteen-year-old African gray parrot, hung from the chandelier. Septimus, a notoriously naughty kitten, was crawling up the curtains on the side of the stage.
Brodie had taken a poo on stage left. Maggie was running through the tables, pausing for a head scratch or offered scrap. Peg had bounded the length of the hall twice, zooming from one corner to the other. She leapt over a table and hurtled into the owner of a local sporting goods store. His chair tipped, which knocked against the table, which sent everything crashing to the floor.
Fuck. They totally weren’t getting their security deposit back. Luke chased Peg, but every time he was close to snatching her collar, she would jump away from him and knock into another table.
Hurry, hurry. Shit. Claire whipped the curtain back and dug around in a closet until she found a ladder. She dragged it across the stage and set it up. Septimus was already eight feet off the ground. Her shoes hit the ladder with a thunk. Her heart in her throat, she scaled the rungs as quickly as her sequined costume allowed.
Septimus meowed at her as she tugged him gently from the curtain. She clutched him to her chest as she descended. This was a disaster. She needed help. Someone needed to round up these animals. Rosie stood at the bottom of the ladder, one paw on a rung.
“Rosie.” Claire made firm eye contact with the corgi. “Go.” She pointed to the ruckus unfolding below. This was a problem that only the Fun Police could solve.
Rosie took off like a rocket, barking and nipping at the other dogs’ heels. Claire ran backstage with Septimus. Two down, eighteen to go. She scooped up Brodie next and narrowly missed stepping in the steaming present he had left behind.
Audience members had clambered to their feet. Some took videos with their phones while others tried in vain to help. Nicole and Kyle cornered a cat behind one of the bars. Sawyer pulled a bag of dog treats out of his pocket and convinced Maggie to follow him.
Peg appeared onstage. Her stump of a tail was pointed down and her head bowed. She ran from Rosie. Claire held her crate door open, and she crawled inside and sat down.
“Good girl,” Claire said, tossing a treat to Rosie. “Keep going.” She pointed back out to the audience. Who in the hell would have let all these animals out? The backstage area had been deserted, but there was no security on the doors that led outside. Anyone could have come in.
Her stomach twisted into a knot. Was it insane to think that ESA might have had something to do with this? Did they really have the balls to ruin a charity event? There was time to worry about that later.
Ten minutes later, all the animals were contained in their crates. Mindy had a scratch on her cheek from Felix, who most certainly did not want to get back into captivity. Claire had two carpet-burned knees and a sizable bump on her head from chasing after Archer.
The two of them walked back onstage, looking like they had just been through a war. “Well, that was fun.” The audience tittered. “How about a little something for our nerves? A quick round of Fireball for everyone,” she called to the waitstaff. It was time to start liquoring the crowd back up, and hopefully the dinner would prevent anyone from projectile vomiting during the event.
When everyone had been served, Claire and Mindy held their shot glasses up to the crowd. “To Tender Hearts.” Most of the audience drank their shots. It was time to start the auction.
Three hours later, Claire dumped half a dozen bank bags into the safe in Luke’s trunk.
“I can’t believe you made that much money,” he said, slamming the trunk lid.
“Even all the calendars sold. I have to order more. But really it was mostly thanks to Brianna. I never thought we’d actually get someone to spend $10,000 just to take her to Burger King,” Claire mused, fumbling with the buttons on her ringmaster costume. She would rather ride home fully naked than spend another second in this corset.
“I heard the guy talking to Bri. He asked if he could transfer the date with him into her taking his son to the prom.”
“That’s kind of adorable,” she said.
“Claire!” someone called across the parking lot. Gloria jogged toward them.
“I can’t thank you enough.” She wrapped Claire in a hug. A risky move considering the amount of sweat on her body.
Claire smiled. “It was nothing. I can’t believe all the animals were adopted.”
“I know. Even that asshole, Toots,” Gloria said with a knowing look.
Claire chuckled. “Listen, I know it’s not a permanent solution. When I get back from California?—”
Gloria waved a hand. “Stop. You’ve done more than enough. We’ll be fine for another six months. And Sam and I are going to brainstorm. You reminded us that Tender Hearts is worth it. We’re not going to give up.”
“I’m so glad to hear that.” Claire waved as Gloria left.
Luke rubbed her shoulder. “Do you feel better?”
“Honestly? Not really.” She climbed into the car. If everything didn’t work out perfectly, she would never have the funds to support Tender Hearts. In six months, they could be right back to square one.
“You did something amazing,” he said as they pulled out onto the highway. “You saved twelve dogs, seven cats, and a bird.”
“Thank you.” She squeezed his hand and pulled out her phone. She desperately needed a shower and a stiff drink. In just three days, they would be in California staring down the barrel of the biggest proposal of her entire career. It was going to be flawless. It had to be.