Chapter 33
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
To Do:
- Grovel
- Research bankruptcy
- Be a better girlfriend
“You look like you haven’t slept in a year,” Mindy said as she pulled the car out of the driveway.
Claire yawned and flipped the mirror down. Her new under-eye concealer was being tested to its limits today. Since there was nothing she could do about the Brad situation, she had spent most of the night working on the plan for the men’s rights conference. Thirty minutes of sleep was better than nothing, wasn’t it?
“It’s probably a good thing I didn’t sleep much last night. There is so much stress in my body right now I probably would have just ended up sleepwalking to a vegan restaurant and arming myself with English cucumbers. Shit!” She slapped her forehead.
“What?” Mindy shot her some side eye as she turned left down a residential street. The park they passed needed a fresh coat of paint on the playground and some grass seed, but the walking path was lovely.
“I forgot the gift basket. I was so worried about my apology note that I forgot the good stuff.” She had raided Luke’s liquor cabinet after he had gone back to bed and found an unopened bottle of Mount Gay Rum. She tucked it in a basket she had found underneath one of Luke’s cabinets along with emergency snacks she had brought from Pennsylvania—beef jerky, Middleswarth chips, and Herlocher’s Dipping Mustard.
Mindy shook her head and swung the car into the parking lot between a holistic yoga studio and a turquoise building with a sign that read “Psychic Readings by Clementine.” It was a good thing they had left with plenty of time. “As excited as I am to hear your plan about the conference, you need to sleep. Remember last year when you drove a car five miles while sleepwalking? Avoiding sleep altogether is just going to make it worse. Remind me to install a padlock on your door when we get home.”
Claire shrugged. “I just couldn’t sleep. With everything up in the air and the conference. And then there’s this fact that I ruined everything and doomed our business and the shelter and my relationship and?—”
Mindy reached over and touched Claire’s face. Then she smacked it lightly, keeping her eyes on the road. “Stop it.”
Claire touched the cheek Mindy had slapped. “Stop what? Feeling things?”
“No, thinking that everything is doomed. We’re not doomed. You’re just stressed. We’ll turn on the charm and Brad will keep us on. We’re going to throw the biggest, splashiest, most romantic proposal anyone has ever seen. And we’re going to stake out that convention, find Professor Taylor, and follow him wherever he goes. Then we’re going to kick ESA’s ass for burning down our office, hire an amazing person to help run things out here, and go home and get back to normal.”
Normal . Could things ever really be normal?
“I hope so. Also, don’t you think it was kind of dumb to schedule this interview right after our meeting with Brad? What if he fires us? We can’t hire someone if our West Coast dreams are dead.”
Mindy shook her head. “We don’t need Brad. We are scrappy and resourceful. If he fires us, we’ll find an even bigger Hollywood figure and rub it in his stupid face. You know I slipped into D. Nasty’s Instagram DMs offering our services. He’s been dating Krystal Blake for almost two years.”
“Who or what is D. Nasty?”
“Come on, you’ve heard his songs. Slam Dunk Your Ass, Beat Booty, Nic Cage’s Wooden Leg …”
As Mindy turned back toward Luke’s house, something caught Claire’s eye. What the hell was she looking at?
“Mindy?”
“And another thing—” Mindy plowed on. Claire slapped at her arm and pointed. “What?”
“Is somebody climbing our drainpipe?”
The engine whined and the car lurched forward. “Not today, Satan.” Mindy hunched up against the steering wheel as they sped down the residential street. Claire gripped the oh shit handle.
Her heart was in her throat. Was it ESA? Were they going after Luke? Her hand wrapped around her Taser. It was hard to tell from this distance, but there was definitely a fluorescent pink blob that was out of place.
“Is that—” Mindy squinted.
“Tell me it’s not—” Could it really be?
“Olivia,” they both muttered as Mindy whipped the car into the driveway. But she didn’t stop there. She drove the car straight into the yard, directly below where the mysterious figure was climbing the drainpipe to the second floor.
Olivia, clad in bubblegum pink lingerie and matching high heels, put one foot on the roof of the porch.
Claire threw her car door open and jumped outside. Her skin prickled like a thousand needles were jabbing her. “Can I help you?”
“Oh no, I’m fine. Just locked myself out of my boyfriend’s house. So embarrassing,” Olivia called without even looking back.
“You mean my boyfriend?” Claire’s hands clenched into fists at her side.
“Don’t punch her, please. We can’t afford another lawsuit,” Mindy whispered.
It might be worth another lawsuit to bitch slap Olivia. Claire relaxed her hands and took a deep, steadying breath like Dr. Goulding had taught her. She counted to ten. “I need you to get off the roof, Olivia. If you don’t, we’re going to have to call the police.” That should be a fun story to explain to the officers.
The front door opened, and a shirtless Luke shot out into the yard. “What the hell are you doing? Why are you parked in the middle of the yard?”
Claire and Mindy gestured wordlessly to Olivia, who had successfully climbed the inclined porch roof and was now attempting to slide Luke’s bedroom window open.
“Olivia, what the fuck?” he boomed. “Get down.”
Ooh, angry Luke. Claire’s toes curled in her pumps. Sure, last night he had been grumpy and hurt. But it was extremely rare for angry Luke to come out. Thank god it wasn’t directed at her.
“You didn’t give me a choice,” Olivia said. Tears sparkled in her eyes. “You didn’t respond to my cake or my letters.”
Letters? What letters?
“That’s because I threw them out without opening them.”
“Things could be good again, Luke.” Olivia got down on her knees. This bitch was for sure going to fall off the roof.
Claire glanced at her watch. They were still early, but if this didn’t come to a head soon she’d have to leave. Not even an ex-girlfriend on the roof trumped this appointment with Brad.
“You’re trespassing,” Luke said, a note of danger in his voice. “If you’re not off this roof in thirty seconds, I’m going to call the police.”
“But I told my parents we’re engaged!” Olivia wailed like a scolded toddler. She was sitting on her butt now.
“Why would you tell them that?”
“You asked me!”
“That was a year and a half ago.”
“And now I’m saying yes!”
Luke planted his hand over his face. He looked back at Claire. “Can you call the police?”
“Of course,” Olivia said, pulling a phone from her rhinestone-studded bra. “You want me to get these girls off the lawn?”
“Oh my god.” Claire brushed past Luke and entered the house. “Rosie?” There was a skittering in the hallway, and the dog barreled straight into Claire as though she hadn’t seen her in a year.
“Hi, sweet girl. Okay, Mommy needs your help. Can you come with me? Up.” She pointed at the stairs.
Rosie rocketed up the stairs and spun around on the landing, apparently thrilled by their new game. Claire followed and bumped open the door to the master bedroom. She unlocked the window closest to Olivia and flung it open. She turned to her furry best friend and ripped the flat sheet off the bed. She wrapped the bottom of it around Rosie’s belly twice and knotted it tightly.
“Rosie? Up!” Claire ordered, pointing to the windowsill. Rosie sat below the windowsill and scooted back and forth several times before gaining enough momentum. She parkoured up the wall and onto the sill and stepped out onto the roof. Claire gripped the edge of the sheet.
Olivia screamed.
“A dog! Get it out of here.” She stood, took a step backward, and her ankle wobbled.
“ You get out of here,” the three humans who weren’t trespassing said in unison.
Rosie, oblivious to the hubbub, seemed delighted to discover a new friend on the roof. She stepped toward Olivia, eliciting more shrieks from her. Neighbors were starting to gather on the sidewalk.
“Need me to call the fire department, Luke?” Mr. Nesbit called. Hank the golden retriever panted happily at his side.
“I think we’ve got it handled,” Luke’s disembodied voice said.
Claire glanced at her watch again. Okay, they were down to ten extra minutes. Their coffee run was already toast. This harpy needed to get off the roof stat . She added more slack to Rosie’s bed sheet line, and the corgi happily lurched toward the uninvited guest.
“Get away from me,” Olivia ordered with one finger held out to the dog. “Stay!”
Claire had never been so glad that she had never successfully taught Rosie to stay.
“I’m warning you, get that dog away from—AHHH!” Olivia’s foot slipped off the edge of the roof, and she disappeared. Luckily, it was barely an eight-foot drop to the ground, and from the sounds of it, she had landed on the clump of maiden grass in the flower bed.
“Rosie, you want some cheese?” Claire called. Rosie wasn’t a fan of the command “come” either, but she definitely knew what “cheese” meant.
Rosie hopped back in through the window without incident, and Claire unwound the sheet and kissed her between the eyes. What a good dog. What she wouldn’t give to topple into that bed and just sleep for a couple hours with her furry companion. But there wasn’t time for that. There was an ex-girlfriend to finish evicting, some cheese to dispense, and a business relationship to save.