Chapter 18
Once she had made it safely to the kitchen without anyone hearing her, she grabbed her car keys and the shop keys from the hallway rack, slipped her feet into her shoes and opened the front door. After closing it gently behind herself she climbed into her car.
She released the handbrake and rolled the car down to the bottom of the driveway and as far away from the house as she could do safely, then fired up the engine.
Keeping a check on her rearview mirror, she drove away towards Glentorrin.
It seemed the obvious place to go. Maybe she could go to the shop and gather some inspiration for the renovation.
Maybe something about the place soothed her like her music had back home.
There was definitely something magical about the place as it kept drawing her back.
As Angelia drove, the sun was beginning to make its ascent, casting a warm amber glow over the coast that reflected on the water.
The sea was fairly still, and the world was quiet apart from the odd jogger or dog walker, and, of course, the wildlife darting in and out of the hedgerows.
A large barn owl flew low over her car, its wide, expanded wings cutting silently through the air as it eyed her suspiciously before seeking out a hiding place in an oak tree at the side of the road, its heart-shaped face peeping out through the branches.
She eventually pulled into Glentorrin and immediately felt her shoulders relax.
What was it about this place? She parked the car in front of the shop and climbed out, stopping for a moment at the railing that surrounded the inlet of water the village was situated around.
She inhaled the fresh, salty air and watched a couple of seagulls bobbing about on the water without a care in the world.
The village was sleeping for now, but it wouldn’t be long before the shop and bakery were buzzing with people starting their days.
It was picture-postcard perfect at that precise moment and she breathed deeply, trying to memorise the feeling of peace.
As she watched the seagulls overhead catching thermal columns of air to float on, she began to replay the video call in her mind.
So much had come to light in such a short space of time that it had felt quite overwhelming.
Josh was getting married, Heath was going to be a dad again but this time to a wee girl, Bear wanted to keep chickens, Anouk wanted to be a solo act, Dom wanted to marry his boyfriend and adopt babies.
And Angelia… What would she do? Who would she be? What would her future look like?
She had no clue. Absolutely none. But she knew she couldn’t sit around doing nothing.
It would drive her mad. But what was she capable of now?
She had no degree. Could she go back to studying?
How would she cope without the band? Her safety net?
These past weeks had been strange, but she had always expected to be going back.
She hadn’t expected it to be over yet. Although, the relief she felt at knowing the decision was out of her hands was definitely there too.
But she was Angel of Angel and the Fallen.
She had been that person for a decade now. Who would she be from hereon in?
Her heart rate picked up and her breathing shallowed.
She leaned on the railing for support as a wave of dizziness washed over her.
Oh, God, what was happening? She squeezed the railing, the metal cold to the touch, but her grip weakened.
She realised she had forgotten to take her medication in her rush to get out of the house.
Fear gripped her. This feeling was new and terrifying.
She tried to turn to walk back to the car where she had left her phone, but her legs were heavy and she couldn’t make them move, try as she might.
Angelia grasped at her throat as her heart pounded so hard against her ribs, she feared it might burst through her skin.
Stars danced before her eyes and her legs gave way beneath her.
She tried to grip the railing again, but her fingers wouldn’t bend.
She fought for breath as tears welled in her eyes.
This can’t be it, she thought as she glanced hurriedly around herself.
The sun was making its way above the horizon, but it was still so early.
No one was around yet. Her legs gave way completely and she crumpled to the floor as her breathing became more erratic and difficult.
Her eyes fluttered closed as she realised there was nothing she could do.
‘Hey, hey, you’re okay. An ambulance is on the way. Just stay with me,’ an urgent male voice said as a gentle hand stroked her hair. She fought against the heaviness in her eyelids and gazed up into a familiar brown gaze.
‘F… F…’ She tried to say Ferris’s name, but he shook his head.
‘Don’t try to speak. Just relax, okay? You’re going to be fine. They won’t be long.’
‘Cry…’ She tried to speak again, ignoring his instruction. ‘Cry…’ She pointed to her chest.
‘Christ?’ he asked. ‘You want me to pray with you?’
‘Sis…’ she managed.
His eyes widened. ‘Oh! Myasthenic crisis?’ he asked with a strain of panic to his voice.
Knowing he understood but also wondering how, she closed her eyes just as she heard the siren in the distance.
* * *
Two hours later, Angelia walked out of the A&E department at Broadford Hospital to a quiet waiting room.
‘Hey!’ came a voice from the direction of the entrance.
It was Ferris. As he walked towards her, she noticed his face was pale and his hair a little dishevelled.
He was wearing jogging pants and a long-sleeved base layer kind of top.
‘I followed the ambulance in my car. I wanted to make sure you were okay. There was talk of airlifting you to Raigmore, but I see they haven’t needed to do that. ’
Angelia glanced down at her feet. ‘No, thankfully. I feel like such an idiot.’
His brow crumpled and he shook his head. ‘Why?’
‘It wasn’t a myasthenic crisis. It was… it was a panic attack.’
His shoulders seemed to relax. ‘Thank the Lord for that,’ he said with a smile.
‘They mentioned ventilators and induced comas and…’ He grappled her into a hug.
‘Thank goodness it wasn’t a crisis.’ As if realising his action may have been unwanted, he stepped back and his face flushed an almost fluorescent shade of pink as he reached to scratch the back of his neck.
‘Oh, heck, I’m so sorry.’ His eyes were filled with anxiety.
‘I’m just so relieved. I’ve no nails left.
Been sitting here worrying myself sick.’ His eyes widened and he held up his hands.
‘Not that I’m belittling a panic attack, of course.
They can be horrendously frightening. I just… ’ He cringed as his words trailed off.
She smiled. ‘It’s okay, really. Thank you for being here and for waiting. And I’m sorry to have scared you like that.’
‘No apology needed. Come on, I’ll give you a lift back if you like.’
She nodded and followed him out to the car park. His car was an old Volvo in metallic green. He unlocked it and opened the passenger door and she climbed in.
Ferris started the engine and before he set off, he turned to look at her. ‘Are you sure you’re okay?’
She nodded. ‘I am thanks to you.’
He smiled. ‘I know you won’t see it this way but… I think I was meant to find you today. I usually go out for my run much later, but I woke up at stupid o’clock and couldn’t get back to sleep so I decided to go earlier. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t have been there.’
Angelia smiled. ‘Well, for whatever reason, I’m glad you were.’
He smiled. ‘Me too. Now, where am I taking you?’
She sighed. ‘Back to my folks in Portree if that’s okay? Meghan is driving my mum down to collect her car, so I don’t need to do that. But I’m in trouble, that’s for sure.’
He cringed. ‘Ah, so you’ve called them. I wasn’t sure if I should’ve done that, or if the hospital would do it.’
‘I called them as soon as the doctor explained what was happening to me. I was so relieved it wasn’t a crisis, but my mum and dad were furious and obviously really worried.
They were hell-bent on coming to get me, but the nurse had already told me that the man who had come in with me had stayed.
I guessed that was you, so I told my mum and dad I’d be okay to get home. ’
They sat in silence for a few moments until Ferris broke it. ‘Don’t you get tired of the fame? Doesn’t it get sort of lonely? I mean, I know you have the band, but don’t you ever miss just being… you?’
She smiled but felt no happiness. ‘It’s not something I’ll need to worry about for much longer.’
Ferris’s brow creased. ‘How so?’
‘The band is no more,’ she said with a wavering voice and a deep sigh.
He shook his head. ‘I don’t understand.’
She stared at her hands where they rested in her lap.
‘Keep this to yourself, please, as there will be a press release but it seems my diagnosis has given people pause to consider their own futures and the band doesn’t actually appear to be in any of them.
Well, that is apart from Josh, the drummer, but he’ll be snapped up by the Foo Fighters or someone equally as huge.
He’s very talented so he won’t be out of the music industry for long.
’ She explained the plans of the rest of the band and when she had finished, he huffed air through his puffed cheeks.
‘Wow. No wonder you had a panic attack. Not only have you had this major diagnosis to deal with, but the rug your future was resting on has been pulled out from beneath you too. I’m so sorry to hear that, Angelia. So sorry.’
She glanced across at him and saw genuine concern. ‘Thank you. It was a bit of a shock. But… sort of a relief too. I was going to have to make a decision on what to do but now…’
‘So, what will you do? Find another band?’
She closed her eyes briefly to fight the threatening tears.
‘No point. I sang for the first time since my diagnosis the other night with my dad. I managed a couple of songs but that was it. I really don’t see me being able to do full gigs again.
My voice is pretty much gone. Or at least the strength to produce a good sound for long periods anyway.
And the touring was exhausting for my other muscles, not to mention running around a huge stage, night after night. ’
He fell silent, letting her words sink in and eventually said, ‘So you’re going to sell records instead of make them?’
She pursed her lips for a moment, confused by his words.
‘No, no, I’m going to be a silent partner in the record shop.
That’s the plan, at least. I don’t know anything about running a business.
Collecting and listening to records is completely different to selling them.
And I don’t think it’d be a good idea for me to be too involved because I’m pretty sure the people of Glentorrin would hate to be swamped by fans of the band trying to get a glimpse of the singer that ruined everything for them. ’
‘Hey, stop that. You didn’t ask for any of this. It’s really not your fault, Angelia. And I can’t think of a better way to live your life than doing something connected to what you love. I think you should at least consider it.’
She remembered the excitement she’d felt a short while ago when she had imagined herself behind the counter of a newly refurbished shop surrounded by rows and rows of albums, vintage pop and rock memorabilia mounted on the walls, alongside eighties and nineties band posters.
Her stomach flipped again. It would be kind of cool.
‘How did you know what I meant when I was trying to talk after I collapsed?’ Angelia asked out of the blue.
‘I told you I was going to do some research on myasthenia and that’s exactly what I did. I wanted to understand it.’
She gave a light laugh. ‘But why? You haven’t known me that long, so why does it matter?’
He pulled over into a layby and turned off the engine.
‘Angelia, can I make an observation?’ Without waiting for her consent, he continued, ‘You seem to have a surprisingly low opinion of yourself and that makes me both surprised and sad considering all you’ve achieved.
I researched because I get the feeling you need friends who understand what you’re going through.
I’d like to think I could be one of those friends, and therefore I want to know what you’re dealing with so I can help in any way you need me to. ’
‘You’re a very kind man,’ she said with a smile.
‘I’m just a human being who doesn’t like to see other human beings hurting,’ he said with a shrug.
‘Well, I think you’re one of a kind. I haven’t met many people who would go to all that trouble for someone they hardly know.’
‘I just happen to think you’re a nice person and I’d like to be your friend at a time where it’s clear you’re a little apprehensive about having them.
Everyone needs friends, Angelia. But I understand it must be hard to trust people when you’re so well-known.
Some people can be cruel and take advantage but not all people. I’m not like that.’
She nodded but noted the sinking feeling in her stomach, why had that happened when he’d mentioned being friends? ‘Well, thank you. But you’re still not going to convert me.’
He laughed again as he pulled the car into the road once more. ‘You’re a strong-willed woman, MacAuley, I wouldn’t dream of trying.’