45 JANIE
JANIE
Bah freaking humbug.
I don’t know what’s worse, the tackiness of Juniper Falls as a grown adult or the absolute over-the-top cheerfulness of my tiny hometown as an adult who’s been dumped on her ass just in time for Christmas.
“It’s the latter.” I mutter to myself as I walk down Juniper Street.
Everyone has their stores decked out from top to bottom, tourists are here, music is blaring from all directions.
If I hear Merry Christmas one more time I’m going to scream.
And not a cute startled scream I mean full on exorcist style, fists clenched and jaw unhinged, just unloading on the poor person who dares to greet me.
I chuckle, looking up to imagine it, then stomp my left foot into a deep puddle.
“Ugh, come ON!” I yell at the world. I pull my completely soaked boot out of the hole and carry on. At least now as I trudge over to see Harper I’ve got a stomp-squish-stomp-squish thing going on.
Perfect.
“Merry Christmas!”
Oh, it is ON.
I turn, inhaling, about to blow, but then I take in the most adorable elderly couple I’ve ever seen.
They’re both sporting brand new red and green Juniper Falls scarves.
Ben bought it before we went sledding and made sure he was photographed in it.
The petite Black woman is greeting me but her husband, a bit paler than her and taller than her, is still a very handsome man.
He's looking at her so lovingly, I can’t do it.
I just see future Me and future Ben, in some alternate reality, and instead of yelling, I want to weep now. Wow, this day just keeps getting better and better.
“You too,” I manage to say.
I pick up my pace and try to get this over with.
Harper asked me to pitch in and help because, thanks to my famous spouse, her business is exploding.
And because she doesn’t want to ask more of her underpaid staff on Christmas Eve-Eve.
And because she picked me up from the airport and heard the whole story and knows I’m devastated and spiraling.
Stomp-squish-stomp-squish-eff-my-stupid-life
I reach her storefront but as I push in, the door is pulled out of my grip by a gloved hand attached to a rich son of a gun.
“Aiden?”
“Janie,” he nods.
“What are you doing here?”
“Getting my ass chewed out by your friend. Again. Bye.” He shifts past me, ignoring the million questions on the tip of my tongue, then stops.
He looks back at me, glances around to make sure no one is looking, then glares.
His voice is just above a whisper but comes out angry and cutting, “He’s devastated, you know. Completely and totally destroyed.”
“Ben?”
“Yes, of course, Ben, who else did you lead on while you were still in love with your ex?”
“Wait, Theo?”
He grimaces, “I don’t know the guy’s name I just know if you were in love with him, you should have told Ben when you knew he was falling in love with you.”
“He-he left,” I stammer.
“Yes, he heard you telling your friend you still loved, Theo, I guess, so he decided to let you go. He’s a better man than me, I’ll tell you that, said he wanted you to have all the love and all the money and be free and live your best life or some other bullshit, but on his behalf I’m telling you to go f—”
“Wait!” I raise my voice, then step to the side of the sidewalk and pull him with me. “Wait. Aiden, I told Skye I loved Ben. I don’t know what he thinks he heard but I am not in love with Theo!”
“Oh,” he freezes up.
“So you saw him? I thought he went to London,” I say, my mind reeling.
Aiden nods, “Just got back from snowboarding with him in Canada. He should be in London by now.”
“Snowboarding,” I say, and some of my hope withers. “And in London? Is he having a quiet Christmas with his folks?”
Aiden laughs, “Of course not. He’s got some yacht light parade down the Thames he’s organizing before he leaves for Tahiti the day after Christmas.”
“Right.” More withering.
“He’s just distracting himself, though. He’s a mess. Over you.” Aiden looks away, probably at his hired car, then back at me. “You’re going to tell him, right? I can get you in the air in a half hour probably.”
“I…I don’t know,” I shrug, then slump my shoulders, “Maybe it’s for the best.”
“Well then I stand by my original message for my friend. Janie, all due respect since you’re a woman but, get f—”
“You don’t have the whole story, you jerk!” I yell but he's already walking away. He just raises his hand straight up, his middle finger on display.
Wow. Hate that guy.
I shake my head, trying to sort my thoughts.
I look inside The Roasted Chestnut looking warm and cozy and cute as ever.
It won the decor contest this year and I know it’s because Ben kept “finding” extra decor we didn’t need at our place and leaving it in her storage closet.
I can’t go in there and fake any cheer right now.
I pull out my phone and text Harper that I’m running a few minutes late.
I start walking.
Nowhere, really.
I don’t even feel the sloshing in my boot anymore.
Ben is heartbroken.
Over me.
He thinks I love Theo.
I could go to him right now and explain.
But.
Has he changed? Have I? Enough that two very different people could make a relationship, a real one, work? Not for weeks or months but for the long haul? I look up at the sky, remembering that cute older couple.
I hit town square and cross to where our scarecrow stood during most of the fall. I stop on a bench, sit, and glance around. People are still bustling all over but it’s colder and the early evening sun’s gone down behind the hills, so it feels late. I shudder.
What’s the point of hauling myself across the Atlantic for a relationship that’s totally doomed? He wasted no time in getting back in the saddle. Adventures, travel, organizing a big fun shindig with a million people.
I sat alone in a cocoon of blankets, finding comfort in crackers and cheese and chocolate. Milk and ice cream. A lot of dairy, really. No wonder I feel sick.
I hunch down so I can lay my head back and look at the first few stars. A tear escapes, traveling back toward my ear.
I want to go to him. I long for it. I ache for that, for him.
But is that stupid? Am I willing to do what it takes? Travel with him and be spontaneous? Go to a lot of parties? Be seen as Mrs. Clark?
Yup.
I am.
I look around again, seeing the Nativity that has been set up in this square since before I was born. The colors are faded and the eyes are creepy. Baby Jesus is facing out and in this moment, the back-lit infant is totally looking at me.
“A little help here?” I mutter at the statue.
Because I’m losing it.
Because I don’t know what to do. I’m willing to go, to try. But he’ll have to try too. For real. Is he going to meet me halfway? Stay in Juniper Falls? Travel less? Be more predictable? Come home earlier and—
Pfthhfhthhfhfh!
I jump out of my skin and look up at whatever nearby horse just…it’s not a horse. It’s the freaking Mayor. I want to stand and yell, point, get everyone's attention, but I don’t want to spook him, so I just sit, frozen, watching.
Like a dream, Mayor Bear the Reindeer pauses right near me, putting his massive head down to sniff the ground.
This gives me a great look at his busted antler, just to confirm this is actually happening.
It's him. Then in a blink he gets spooked and runs off, dashing in between the general store and Let it Spin.
I look back at baby Jesus and laugh. I didn’t expressly ask for a sign or a Christmas miracle, but I will freaking take it.
I pull out my phone and start texting. Emerson gives me Aiden’s number, thinking I am working on a surprise Christmas gift, which I guess I am. Aiden eventually answers my texts with instructions for using his plane. No apology or “Go get him.” Jerk.
I stand and start walking back, texting Harper and Skye the news.
Benedict Clark is the absolute, for better or worse, love of my life.
And I’m going to go tell him so.