Chapter 46
46
This was good news, Holly told herself repeatedly as she sat up in bed, rehearsing what she was going to say to Giles over and over in her head. It was definitely a good thing. It would give them a chance to talk, to clear the air. She could say something about Rhubarb jumping on the computer and how she hadn’t actually meant to send that email at all. It was just her thoughts while typing. Thoughts she wasn’t even sure were true. And she could tell him about Sienna and the things she said while they were away, like the comment about persuading Giles not to have children. And while they were talking about the spa, she would reinforce how she had absolutely not demanded to do anything the entire weekend. All decisions had been made between the three of them. Yes, this journey would be good. It would give them a chance to talk properly and reconnect. That was what she kept telling herself.
As was now a common occurrence in Holly’s bedtime routine, sleep evaded her. It felt like every half hour, she woke up, pulse racing as she checked the time, wondering whether she had slept in and Giles had gone without her. Whether she wanted him to or not, she couldn’t decide.
By five thirty, she had given up altogether and was in the shower, deciding what she wanted to wear. Jeans and a T-shirt would’ve been her normal choice, but Caroline had already found this exhibition online and it really looked like a fancy affair. It was taking place in a remote hotel with a view of the sea and it was the type of event that served champagne and canapés even though you didn’t have to buy tickets. If she didn’t look good enough, they might not let her in and she could just imagine how much Sienna would love that.
So, once she was clean and dried, Holly spent almost an hour picking out an outfit.
Her eyes fell on a royal-blue dress with embroidered flowers that she had worn several years ago to some birthday party or another. She couldn’t remember what the event was, but she remembered how Giles had looked at her in it, the corners of his mouth twisting into a smile. ‘You look pretty decent in that,’ he’d said. ‘Pretty decent’ – those were the words he’d used. Hardly the greatest compliment a man had ever given someone, and yet thinking about it now caused her stomach to flutter. Why would that happen? She’d probably just made some snarky comment back to him at the time. There certainly hadn’t been any stomach fluttering.
She was being ridiculous, and she needed to get over it. Still, she picked up the blue dress and slipped it on anyway.
Feeling fairly confident about the choice, she checked the mirror, only to feel like something was wrong. She brushed down her dress, checking it was all straight, but even then, the outfit didn’t feel right. The dress fit perfectly, and she was wearing the same silver studs she always wore. Just like she was wearing the same silver necklace and the same rings on her fingers. That was when it struck her. It was her engagement ring. It didn’t feel right. Not with the outfit. Perhaps not with her any more, either.
Holly lifted her hand to stare at the ring. She wasn’t engaged. She hadn’t recently lost her almost-fiancé. And yet, here she was, walking around with a clear sign telling the world that she wasn’t available to love anyone else. If she meant anything of what she said about wanting to move on then surely this had to be the very first step?
Her hands trembled as she slipped the ring over her knuckle and off her finger, her vision blurring with tears as she looked at it.
‘You know this doesn’t mean I love you any less, don’t you?’ she said, as if Evan was there, listening to her. Her heart throbbed as if it was breaking all over again. ‘I will always love you with my whole heart. But I’ve got to stop living my life like time ended when you died. You understand, don’t you?’ She let out a brief chuckle that caused a stray tear to tumble down her cheeks. ‘Of course you understand. You understood everything. I know I won’t find someone who I love the way I love you. They don’t exist. You know that, right? It’s just not possible. I think that’s maybe why I’ve been so scared to open my heart: because I knew no one could compare to you. But that’s okay. They don’t have to. I want to love again. Evan, I want someone to love me again.’
The tears were tumbling freely now, but she needed to get it all out. This was it. The only time she would do this, and she wanted to say everything right.
‘This doesn’t mean I’ll forget what you did for me. As long as I live, I will never forget you. Thank you. Thank you for being the love of my life.’
Still wiping away the tears, Holly moved over to her dressing table. She still had the same small ring box Evan had been carrying all those years ago. The icy water had left it damaged, a little like her. The catch no longer closed and the leather from the top had peeled away, but it still served its purpose. Lifting the ring to her lips, she kissed it gently once before placing it in the box.
‘Goodbye, my love,’ she said.