Chapter 20
Twenty
Caleb panted because doing any kind of hardcore physical activity right now made him feel like he might just die. It was crazy but he knew inflammation was a thing, and he was trying to heal up a break while dealing with a slight flare from his RA.
While he hadn’t been able to make it up to Hawk’s home gym because of the stairs, he had been able to get to physiotherapy and work some on everything but the foot that was injured. Caleb couldn’t get in a goddamn ice bath or a hot tub, either one, because of the boot.
“Good job Caleb.” His new therapist, Lucas, handed him his water bottle and a towel as he sat panting on the weight bench he’d been using.
He squirted the water into his mouth, nodding. And he wiped sweat off his face. “I think you’re probably right. I am blown out.”
He and Lucas’d had a long talk about what his goals were as far as his recovery.
He had discussed how he was retired now, and he wanted to stay in good enough shape to be able to snowboard for pleasure.
Plus he was an athlete and he probably always would be, so staying physically fit was going to be important to him his whole life.
In that vein, Lucas had eased him back into working out but the last ten reps of the chest press he’d been doing with the free weights had kicked his butt.
“Want me to bag you up so you can hit the showers? There’s a really nice one with a seat in it where you can just sit and do a handheld.”
“That would be great.” He was feeling swampy.
Still his recovery was right on progress, his foot was healing well according to the checkup he’d had yesterday, and things were…
Well, to be perfectly honest, his life was kind of shredding it right now.
Hawk’s little break was over, and he’d been back at work for about a week but apparently in another two days the team was going on an extended road trip, and they were going to go to Hawk’s place in Idaho Springs.
Caleb couldn’t wait. He’d been bouncing with excitement for two days. Hawk kept looking at him as if he’d lost his mind, but it didn’t matter.
He waited for Lucas to tape his foot into a bag before using his walker to maneuver into the shower, hopping along on his good foot, still in his sneaker. Once he got there, he stripped down, then sat on the shower seat and let Lucas take off his shoe and sock.
Lucas handed him the hand-held showerhead and then got the water adjusted for him. “Holler at me when you’re done. I’ll just be outside.”
“Thanks man. I really appreciate it.” Caleb liked Lucas a lot as a trainer and a physical therapist. He’d been referred by the US Olympic team, and they worked well together.
They gelled great over Caleb’s goals. Also Lucas had worked with people with RA before so Caleb figured he would keep the guy on call after he was healed for when he was flaring.
The best thing was that Lucas was willing to come to Idaho Springs to work with him while he was there for a couple of weeks. That meant he and Hawk didn’t have to make the drive back into Denver or over to Vail for Caleb to get his physio.
He rinsed off the sour sweat from working out when he was feeling the pain of his injury, then soaped up his hair. Thankfully Hawk’s big rain bath shower had a seat in it, but it didn’t have grab bars so he tried to really get a scrub in while he was sitting here and maneuver himself around.
Once he was out, all fresh and clean, Caleb gave Lucas a man hug before heading out to meet Hawk in the lobby of the physio building. Hawk had been running errands, getting some stuff ready for them to leave, and they would head out tomorrow morning after rush hour.
“Hey! How’d it go?” Hawk was right there waiting for him, wearing a pair of black sweatpants and a Colorado ThunderSnow sweatshirt.
“Good, good.” He was relieved to see Hawk had his knee scooter though. “My arms are shaking really bad, but it went well.”
He traded the walker for the knee scooter, and Hawk carried the walker for him as they headed out to the big SUV.
He was grateful it hadn’t snowed so much as that way the sidewalks and roads were not all clogged with ice.
It was tough to get around on crutches or a knee scooter or something when it was gross.
Hawk got them headed back to the condo before glancing over at him. “Did you want to stop and get something to eat or do you want to just go home?”
“Can we just go through a drive-through? I know you’re way healthier than that, but—” He winked when Hawk glanced at him.
“But fast-food sounds really yummy today.” Hawk was still sort of disgustingly healthy, which Caleb got.
He had to look good in front of cameras, and he got a lot of his food delivered from a service who did nutritional meals for athletes.
Not that they didn’t indulge. Hawk really liked Mexican food, pizza, and Thai green curry. So he had lots of favorite places they ordered from.
Every once in a while though, Caleb craved something from his less healthy youth, something like fried chicken or a big fast-food burger.
“Absolutely. We’ll celebrate the win of you doing physio, huh?” Hawk’s grin was wide and unrestrained and that made him feel less like a dick for wanting McDonald’s or Burger King or Popeyes or something. “Tell me what you want, and I’ll get you there.”
Caleb pondered that I’m torn. “I could go to Burger King, or I could go to Taco Bell.”
Hawk shook his head. “Taco Bell. You really are a cretin.”
“Hey, now. I know you love your Mexican food but I’m the one who was born in Colorado not you. I mean your last name is French. You should want poutine or something.”
Hawk made a long, mournful sound. “Oh poutine. I mean they have it here in Denver, but it doesn’t taste the same. I could go for that right now, but it would kind of be a long flight to Canada.”
Caleb hooted. “See? I have your number. I think I would like to go to Burger King please.”
“You got it. I actually know where the closest one is to the condo.” Hawk turned down a side road, avoiding the interstate.
They hit the drive-through at the Burger King and collected a couple of bags of fast food before heading back to the condo. It smelled so good it made his mouth water because he was starving, his belly grinding. Caleb didn’t eat fast food often, but sometimes it hit the spot.
And if it made him feel like crap tomorrow, well, he didn’t have to get up and compete then, did he?
The smile fell from his face, and Caleb rubbed his chest, the feeling there suddenly hollow, like something had caved in.
A few minutes of silence later, Hawk glanced at him curiously. “You okay, baby?”
“Not really, no.”
They turned off on the street the condo sat on, Hawk looking over at him every few seconds, slowing the SUV. “Are you hurting from physio, or—”
“No.” He wrapped the arm not holding the bag of food around his own chest. “It just hit me, I think.”
Huck’s brows lowered, and he licked his lips. “What hit you?”
“I’m done. I’m retired. Really done. My snowboarding career is over.” His hands shook, and his chest felt like there was an earthquake in there. It was tight, but it rumbled with sound, and his heart raced.
His vision narrowed, and his head swam, and for a minute he thought he was gonna keel over. Maybe he was going to stroke out.
“We’re almost home.” Hawk’s tone of voice was soothing, but he hovered just outside of Caleb’s consciousness a little bit. He heard it but he didn’t respond.
They coasted to a stop outside Hawk’s condo building, and Hawk put up the temporary handicap placard he’d gotten before coming around to get him out of the SUV. “Come on baby. You’ll feel better if we get inside and have something to eat.”
“Uh-huh.” But he couldn’t let go of the bag of food and he couldn’t make himself put his bad foot out of the vehicle. He just sat there, his world tilted on its axis.
“Come on I’ve got you.” It wasn’t the walker or the crutches or even the new scooter that Hawk pulled out of the car.
It was the wheelchair that Caleb’d had the first day he came home.
Hawk got him out of the car and into it, with the food in his lap, and walked up to the building to wheel him inside to the little freight elevator that would take them up to Hawk’s condo.
Caleb just listened to his brain, which was going rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit and tried not to just expire.
All these thoughts raced through his head, but none of them stayed.
He couldn’t grasp them fully and he knew his face had to be drained of all the blood because it felt cold, freezing cold.
Before he could really blink, even, he sat ensconced on the couch, a blanket tucked around him, and Hawk handed him a can of Coke. “Drink up baby; the sugar will do you some good.”
He nodded, feeling numb, and he popped the can open, taking a long swallow. Before long the caffeine and sugar actually did perk him up a little bit. Caleb took a deep, deep breath then let it out. “Wow.”
Hawk had set the food on the coffee table, and now he opened the bag and started pulling it out. “You gonna make it?” Hawk settled next to him, close enough that their hips and shoulders bumped.
“I guess so. Yeah, sorry.” Everything he’d worked his entire life for had flashed in front of his eyes, and now it was gone.
Yeah, he had the medal to show for it, but he would lose so much now that he’d retired.
Friends on the tour who were still viable would fade away, not talk to him anymore because it was bad luck to talk to somebody who’d fallen out because of injury.
His coaches and his agent and stuff would stop calling.
He would have to figure out what the fuck he was going to do with his life, and he didn’t know.
Caleb wasn’t a panicky idiot kind of guy, but all of a sudden he wanted to fucking crawl in a hole and hide.
“Let’s get some food in you. You worked hard today, and that’s enough to make you shaky and weird.”
Caleb turned to look at Hawk, his lips stiff, his hands not knowing what to do with themselves, and he curled them into his lap. “You know what this is like. What do I do?”
Hawk smiled faintly, unwrapping a burger and putting it on a plate. He had no idea where the plates had come from. They were paper so Hawk must have pulled them out of the cabinet, but he didn’t remember it at all.
“You freak out. A lot. You make a lot of pros and cons lists. You recover from the injury first, and then you move on.”
He reached over finally, knowing what to do with one of his hands, and put it on Hawk’s leg. “Jesus fuck. I’m sorry you didn’t have anybody to help you.”
“My folks were great. Don’t get me wrong on that. They couldn’t be here a lot, but they were amazing support, and I had friends from the team. They did a hospital rotation and shit.” The wry humor lay heavy in Hawk’s voice. “But I did a lot of it by myself and I’m okay. You’re gonna be okay too.”
Fries joined the burger on the plate, and Hawk handed it to him along with a napkin.
He wasn’t sure he wanted to eat now, but Hawk was probably right. It would make him feel better. Getting something in his stomach, getting a little long-acting protein into his bloodstream, would help even everything out after therapy.
So Caleb gave himself the same kind of pep talk he would give himself right before a big drop in on the pipe and told himself to just chill out. Then he took a bite of his burger, which actually tasted pretty good.
They worked their way through a good two-thirds of the food that was in the bag before he gave up the ghost and sat back, hands on his belly. “Fuck, sorry I freaked out on you.”
Hawk wiped his mouth on a napkin before balling all his shit up into one of the bags and putting it away. “I was expecting it, honestly. I was surprised it hadn’t happened before now.”
Hawk cleared his trash too before moving to sit at one end of the couch, pillows propped up behind his back on the arm. He patted his legs. “Sit with me.”
Caleb didn’t need to be asked twice. Pushing off on his good foot, he scooted around so he could climb in between Hawk’s legs and lay back against his chest, head lolling on Hawk’s shoulder.
Hawk pulled the blanket down over top of them and put an arm around him, holding him in place.
He felt Hawk’s lips against the top of his head, a slow steady presence full of little kisses.
“Why don’t you get some rest? You’ve got to be worn out. It’s okay. I’ll be right here.”
Hawk’s chest felt impossibly wide against his back, cradling him, making him feel safe and supported, and that arm around him was sinewy and warm, holding him so he couldn’t fall. His eyelids immediately drooped, heavy with sleep, exhaustion, and worry.
“All right. Jus’ gonna take a nap.”
“I’m right here baby. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
He knew a promise when he heard one and he let himself relax, muscle by muscle, inch by inch, until he lay lax against Hawk’s body, his mind drifting as he fell asleep.