Chapter 18 Stan
Stan
I wake up grinning after a nap on this nearly perfect night. It’d be better if I was hugging a certain neuroscientist instead of a pillow.
But it’s seriously so close to perfection ‘cause my man’s still inside me, even after rolling in the sheets all evening long.
Speaking of long…
I grind against him, getting a groan in that rough voice of his. Satisfaction’s never felt as good. But I could think of how to give both of us even more of this high.
We’re still so warm from before, all tangled up in blankets. My body’s loose in that nice, wrung-out way. Nil’s awake, wrapping his arms around me with his chest to my back. I turn around, letting go of the pillow, to kiss him.
One lazy kiss turns into another, and then we’re at it again. His hips grind. I roll mine back. Groans fill our room, bounce off the walls. I don’t care who hears us.
He turns me over, his hand pressing my face into the pillows while I smirk into ‘em. I can hear him hold back his grunts and his groans while his dick piledrives into me. It’s an easy stretch when his dick’s been inside me during our nap.
My moans are muffled, mouth drooling into the pillowcase.
His other hand takes my cock, strokin’ it to the pace of his thrusts. It’s insane and unfair how he can whisper filthy things into my ear while fucking me raw.
“Be good and come for me, Stan.”
Every part of me feels electric. From his narrow tip to his thick base, he keeps hitting that spot inside me that makes me see fucking stars. And in seconds, I come on his fingers and the bed.
When he finishes too, right inside me, it feels so satisfying to be this filled.
After that, I move myself to face the ceiling, panting with an open smile, sweat damp on my neck.
He lies on his side, hand heavy on my hip, like he knows I’ll complain if he doesn’t. He’d be damn right.
I chuckle, catching my breath. He makes a low sound that tells me he enjoyed that round too.
I wonder if he’d be down for something new thrown in between us.
One that involves the woman we keep circling around like moths to a flame.
From what’s been happening the last few days, I’d say he’s interested.
Whenever I catch him beside her, he blushes beet red.
Maybe it’s not as obvious how much I’m into her ‘cause the proof’s under my pants.
Breathing in, I keep staring at the ceiling, lost in thought, while Nil cleans up the sticky stains on us with the blanket he tosses aside. We’re warm enough anyway.
But here’s the thing… I’m terrible at this. The heavy lifting. The talking part. The part where I don’t get to distract anyone with jokes.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m excellent at lifting actual weights. I can deadlift my feelings physically. But emotionally? Still a beginner. Still need someone to spot me. Still need the help I pretend I don’t need.
I clear my throat and stare real hard at the fake fireplace across the room. The flames are doing their cozy little dance, and it feels unfair that something can pretend so convincingly when I’m struggling to string together words about my feelings.
Nil’s beside me under a new blanket he unfolds from my closet. He’s so hot, completely naked and catching his breath too. Very distracting.
I ignore that and force myself to turn my head to face him.
He’s already looking at me. Brows drawn together. Mouth tipped down slightly. “What’s wrong, Stan?” he asks.
I swallow, wondering since when he could read my mind. “Hey, uh, can we talk about something heavy?”
He comforts me fast. “Always.”
Smiling lopsided, I say, “For starters, I’m sorry.”
His brows pinch tighter. “For what?”
“For stealing Kys,” I say, losing my smile. “And for going into doors I wasn’t allowed in. And for taking things that weren’t mine. It’s just one of my many, many bad habits.”
The edge of his lips lifts a little. “You mentioned three.”
I bark out a laugh, relief punching through my ribs. “See? This is why I love you. You make the bad parts seem not so bad.”
His eyes take in mine, then he adds, “I won’t lie, Stan. Em’s Kys helped me recover, so I get why you took them.”
“Yeah?” I rush the words out. “It helped me too, y’know. Kys would get me through this tough talk.”
“I get that, Stan, but…” He scoots closer to me, patting my chest. “Just because my body’s not at a hundred percent doesn’t mean my heart’s not a hundred percent with you.”
I exhale hard and roll onto my side to make sure we’re meeting eye to eye here. “When you say a hundred percent…” I say slowly, “you mean all in with me, right?”
He nods and waits. Doesn’t rush me, even when I feel like I might vomit out words.
“Don’t get me wrong. I’m all in too, but…” I keep going. “What if I ask you to split that hundred in half?”
My eyes move to the fireplace. Too afraid what his face will say.
“Being with you makes me happy. Happier than I ever thought I’d be. But let’s be honest here…” I sigh. “I’m a lot to deal with, and I know you’ve got the hots for Em. I mean, who wouldn’t?”
My chest grips as I power through. Not letting a millisecond of silence in, not until my point’s made, loud and clear.
“I don’t want you thinking you aren’t enough,” I add fast. “Because you are. You’re everything.”
Bracing for impact, I turn my head to see how he’s feeling about all this.
His brows lift. That’s all. Then his lips lift up a bit more. “Is being enough something you’re worried I think about myself,” he asks, “or you?”
Oof. That hits me square into this tense chest of mine.
I grin and dodge that, ‘cause some bad habits don’t die. “I’m a lot, babe. You’ve probably noticed.” I pat my chest to loosen it up. “So maybe if Em’s with us, you won’t have to deal with all of me on your own.”
His pretty lips purse closed, like he’s thinking of what to say. Calling me an idiot would be a good start.
But instead, he moves even closer to me, going partly on top of me, one leg between mine, his body grounding me like he’s my damn gravity. ‘Cause he is.
Then his finger trails slowly over my chest, until they find the E inked over my skin.
I hold my breath and let him take his time. I just suggested something stupid, so I’m surprised he hasn’t kicked me out of bed.
Maybe it was a bad idea to bring it up after he fucked my brains out. That’s probably why I’m not thinking straight.
So, like the glutton for punishment I am, I prompt another dumb proposal. “Do you want me to laser it off?”
He looks confused. “What…?” Then his eyes find the letter he’s been tracing with his finger. “Oh, your tattoo?”
“Yep,” I say, trying for casual but sounding terrified. “I got it while I was high as a kite. Which explains a lot of my life decisions honestly.”
His finger follows the loops of the letter. “It’s E for Elle, right?”
“Yeah.” I watch him closely. “It was impulsive. A sort of promise thing?” I blow out a breath. “Looking back, I don’t know what I was thinking. But now that we’re together, I’m just waiting for you to tell me to scratch it off.”
I bite the inside of my cheek. My heel bounces on the bed. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna get dumped.
Then he laughs, just a little. It slips out of him, light and breathy, like it surprised him on the way up.
He rests his head on my chest, shoulders shaking. The noise out of him sounds more like a wheeze by the tail end, worrying me.
“Hey,” I say. His body’s not bouncing back as fast without clean Kys in his system. “You good?”
He nods, his smile back on when he lifts his head. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“You sure?” I rub his back, sitting up with a wince when my ass reminds me I just took his dick for hours.
“I’m still rebuilding my stamina,” he says, slowly easing me back to lie down. “That’s all.”
He stays leaned into me, breathing through his nose, chin resting against my chest.
“Since we’re airing some stuff out, I’m sure you noticed that, when we were taking Kys on the ship, I got jealous a lot over anyone else who you spent time with.”
I nod. Makes sense. It made my spirals worse too.
“It felt louder. Harder to reason with. Kys, clean or dirty, makes me see red. Redder, really.”
His fingers slide into mine.
“But since stopping,” he says, “it’s easier to think. Easier to sort what’s mine from what’s not.”
His thumb brushes my knuckles.
He keeps going. “Being with you helps with that. I can look forward instead of back.”
He lifts our joined hands and places them over my left pec, right on the letter.
“And if Em’s part of that,” he says, meeting my eyes, “I understand.”
“You do?”
“Yeah.” His smile takes my breath away. “She’s been on my mind too. Among other things.”
His fingers stay threaded through mine, with his thumb twirling slowly.
“I’ve been remembering more things from before,” he whispers.
I tense without meaning to, then force myself to at least look relaxed. “More like future-forward stuff?” I offer, trying to keep it light. “Or stuff that makes therapists rich?”
“Real funny, Stan.” He breathes in before saying, “I know my sister’s real name doesn’t start with an E.”
I raise my brows. “Yeah?”
“She got a codename from Clo. For being her fiftieth puppet. It was just the letter L. My sister, reduced to that…”
He sighs, breath shaking, so I rub his back some more. He tries to give me a smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes this time.
“I think I always knew. How could I forget my own sister’s real name? She’s named after our mom.”
His jaw works around the next words.
“I just…” He closes his eyes heavy for a second. “I didn’t want to remember everything else that comes with everything in my past. But that’s the problem. If I keep thinking that way, I’m still running away.”
When he lifts his eyes to mine, I frown at how wet they look.
“I assumed I was another codename to Clo. But she never bothered renaming her right-hand man.” His laugh’s short and bitter. “A year on dirty Kys while earning her trust did more damage than I realized.”
My hand on his back slowly slides up to his cheek, wiping the stray tears off.
He closes his eyes, smiling in that sad way. “All I wanted was to save my sister, Stan.”
“You did, Ocean Eyes.”
Tears fall down faster. I wipe away each one.
“Babe, you saved more than her. You saved everyone Kys cursed.” I pull him closer, right into my arms. “You saved me.”
He makes this broken sound that’s half a sob and half a laugh, then kisses me, messy and desperate, but just right for us.
I kiss him back, all the fear burning away by how badly I want him to know I mean it.
Our bodies grind under the blanket, skin hot and sweat-slick, and it hits me how stupid my earlier spiral was. I was worried over ink and impulse while he’s been carrying years of survival and sacrifice in his head, and still choosing my dumb ass anyway.
While we’re kissing, it’s wrecking my ability to think, but one question pops to mind, so I ask before I forget. “Wait, babe,” I murmur, forehead pressed to his. “Before I screw this up—what do you want me to call you now? Nil or Calix?”
He studies my face for a little while before leaning in. “Let me hear how they sound from your lips.”
His hands slide between us, dragging a broken groan outta me. My back arches as his warm palms press against my flexing abs, rippling under his touch.
“Say my name, Stan.”
“Nil,” I breathe, voice shaking.
He hums softly, thoughtful, eyes locked on my face.
“Say my name again, Stan.”
My pulse pounds everywhere. “Calix.”
He brushes his nose along my jaw. “Say what you called me the first time.”
My breath stutters while I take in how beautiful he is. He’s the same man I met in September when he swooped in, all silent and mysterious, reviving my heart like he revved it to life.
Taking Kys since I was a kid messes with my memory from time to time, but I remember the exact second he lifted the visor of his black helmet.
One blink and suddenly, I wasn’t standing in front of some armed stranger. Instead, I was staring into the bluest eyes I’d ever seen. Ocean blue and serene. Way too pretty for the situation we were in. I flirted with him like my life depended on it. Because honestly, it kind of did at the time.
But right now, all I see is the strongest man I’ve ever known. Someone who takes the time to notice all the small things I do, even when I’m trying to hide behind a smile.
He’s there to remind me I’m more than a man made of meat.
He listens to my wildest thoughts, to my dumbest ideas.
He fucking completes me.
“Lix,” I whimper, the sound pulled out of me with tremors.
His reaction comes quick. A smirk takes over his swollen lips. A quiet, pleased sound comes out of his chest. “That’s the one, Stan,” he whispers. “Call me that.”
I nod and repeat it like it’s a promise. “Lix.”
He kisses me right after, deep and demanding, stealing the air from my lungs.
After that, time blurs like the heat between us melts it away.
We’re all elbows and mouths and more bad-decisions-turned-good, until the world shrinks down to creaking springs, stickier sheets, and me saying his name over and over again like it’s the only word I know.
It doesn’t take us long to come. We reach our peaks together. Wrapped up in each other too. My body’s sore. My ass is the sorest it’s ever been. But my heart’s full, so absolutely no regrets.
“Hey,” I say eventually once we’ve caught our breath. “Since we’re confessing things?”
Lix tries to open his eyes. He makes a sleepy sound, lookin’ hella dazed.
“Em saw us the other day,” I mumble. “In the shower. And then she caught me naked, brushing my teeth in the morning.”
He blinks at me, brows drawn together. “Wait… What?”
I grin, stealing a quick kiss before I yawn. “Don’t worry, babe. We’ll talk to her tomorrow.”