Chapter 15
Chapter Fifteen
W hat was that word? That word for when you first become aware of something and from then on keep seeing it over and over again.
That was exactly what was happening to me.
Before I'd run into Ren again, I'd never heard of the band Feral Silence. After he broke up with me it seemed like the band was everywhere I turned.
Teenagers on the bus were hunched over their phones talking about the newest photos posted on the Feral Silence social media accounts. Ads for their new tour were all over my web browser when I went on the internet. To top it off, I saw a girl wearing a Feral Silence band t-shirt while I was in line waiting to order at a coffee shop.
It was driving me crazy—so crazy I actually looked up the word.
The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon.
Great. Ren dumping me caused me to experience a phenomenon.
I flipped down my laptop and leaned back in my chair with a hopeless sigh. Ren still hadn't contacted me. He hadn't responded to any of my messages or voicemails.
Since it happened, I hadn't felt like eating. I was barely holding myself together in class. I couldn't concentrate on studying to save my life. I'd been avoiding Temsah, not wanting to hear his admonishments. I knew he'd noticed my performance slipping.
I was turning into a complete mess.
The worst thing, though?
The worst thing was that I was no longer working with Ren on our song. With no hope of making money from sales, I was at risk of being kicked out of Opus Academy.
It felt like my whole life was falling apart.
I forced back tears for what felt like the hundredth time.
Why had Ren dumped me?
It was eating away at me. No, it was even worse than that. Not knowing was slowly killing me.
I swiveled in my computer chair and reached for my music theory textbook. I probably wouldn't remember a single word, but with the book open on my desk, I could at least pretend to study.
My phone pinged. My heart jumped. Was it Ren? I jumped to grab it.
Unknown number.
It's online.
I frowned, confused. What was online? Who was sending this? Before I could respond, I got another text.
Fifteen years ago. In your hometown. On his birthday.
I stared at my phone, uncomprehending. Then, slowly, I reached for my laptop again and opened it up. I typed in Ren's name, our hometown, his birthdate and the year. Several newspaper articles popped up. I clicked on the first one and skimmed it.
My heart sank.
"Ren!" I shouted. "Open up!" I pounded my fist on his apartment door. "Please! Are you home?"
Nothing. No answer. Dammit, I should have kept his key.
I walked the few blocks to Dark Sound Studios. The reception gave me a friendly smile, recognizing me.
"You looking for Ren?" she asked.
"Yeah. Is he up there?"
"Let me check." She frowned when the phone rang and rang, then hung up. "I'm sorry, he's not answering."
"Can you let me up? Maybe he's just in rehearsal and didn't hear his phone."
The receptionist gave me a sympathetic shake of her head. "I'm sorry. I know you're working with Ren, but you can't go up without an official guest pass."
I fought back tears, frustrated. I'd been looking for Ren all day. He still hadn't contacted me. The anonymous texter wouldn't respond to any of my messages. I had no idea where Ren was.
I shuffled out of the office building, eyes to the ground. I needed to see Ren. I needed to apologize. He needed to know I understood.
He needed to know it wasn't his fault.
I passed a digital billboard advertising Feral Silence as I wandered aimlessly downtown. Seeing Ren, even if only on a screen, was like a bullet to the gut. It's like he was everywhere. I swore to god, if I saw another girl wearing a Feral Silence t-shirt…
A memory niggled at the back of my neck. I'd seen t-shirt girl. I'd seen ads on my laptop.
But I'd also seen girls stalking Feral Silence's social media accounts. Hadn't Jen once pulled out her phone and told me exactly where Ren was based on the band's online presence?
I took out my own phone and brought up a couple different apps, doing real-time searches for mentions of the band's name. I wasn't really expecting anything to pop up, but there it was—a handful of photos and posts about Feral Silence doing a radio interview. I looked up the station. They were located in the east end, just a few transit stops away.
I didn't think twice. I whirled around and got on the subway.
I walked around the building, wondering where to ambush him. I eventually decided that a band as popular as Feral Silence would probably leave by the back door. I had to climb over a fence to get to the private parking lot out back and tore a small hole in the knee of my tights.
Worth it.
I hid behind a large blue van and waited for the band to emerge, fidgeting from one foot to the other with my eyes glued to my phone. I wanted to know the exact moment the interview was done.
How crazy was it that someone had the job of broadcasting their every move?
The back door opened. I peeked around the van. Kell came out first, laughing and shaking his head. Jayce was next, with Ailey at his side, a smug tilt to his chin. Morris followed behind quietly, hands in his pockets. He looked behind himself, a concerned look on his face, as if waiting.
Seconds later Ren emerged. His hair was tangled at the ends. His usual crisp dress shirt was un-ironed. His eyes were flat, staring at the ground, and his mouth was pressed into a firm line.
I swallowed hard. He still looked upset. Of course he would be, after what I'd done. I hadn't meant to hurt him, but it had obviously cut him deep.
I came out from behind the van. "Ren?"
His head whipped up, his expression astonished. "Ivy?"
"Hi." It was such a stupid way to open the conversation, but I didn't know what else to say. Not with the other guys there. "Can we talk?"
He opened his mouth and closed it a few times, looking stunned.
"Ivy!" Kell said, approaching me, cheery as ever. "Great to see you. We were just heading back home. Why don't you and Ren get a ride together? We'll just call a taxi for ourselves." As he spoke, he put a hand on my back and led me to a black limousine van. "Looks like you're quite the internet sleuth." He murmured into my ear.
I pulled back, confused, to find a grin on his face. Internet…?
"Was it you?" I asked. "You sent the text messages?"
Kell just grinned. He walked over to Ren and hooked an arm around his neck, hauling him next to me. Ren let him do it without protest, still in shock.
Ailey looked surprised, but pleased beyond belief. Jayce had an amused tilt to his lips. The worry lines on Morris' face eased as relief began to take their place.
Kell opened the vehicle door and guided me in first, then dumped Ren into the seat across from me unceremoniously.
"You kids have fun!" he called out as he slammed the door and left us alone in the limo. Kell spoke to the driver in a muffled voice. Seconds later the van took off.
I stared at Ren, taken aback by the last few minutes. Ren was staring at the floor, avoiding my eyes. We were silent for a few moments.
"I'm sorry," I said, wanting to get that out of the way first.
Ren finally looked up in disbelief. "Sorry? Why are you sorry?"
"I'm sorry about the concert tickets. I didn't know."
Anguish flicked across his face, the hurt in his eyes worse than it had been the morning he stormed out. "How did you find out?" he asked, voice flat.
"The internet."
He huffed out a bitter laugh. "Of course. There are no secrets any more, are there?"
"They were old articles," I reassured him. "Nothing to connect Ren from Feral Silence with that accident."
"It wasn't an accident!" Ren burst out, then snapped his mouth shut.
"Yes, it was." I spoke softly and shifted over to sit next to him. He was tense, his body almost vibrating. I took his hand in mine, rubbing my thumb over his knuckles the same way he always did to me. "It was a car accident, Ren. Your brother hit a patch of ice. That's all. You had nothing to do with it."
"I did. It was my fault." Ren's voice was monotone. He spoke the words robotically, as if they were coming from someone else. My heart ached for him. "I missed the bus home from school. The only reason he was on the road was because he had to come get me. I whined at him over the phone to hurry up. He was speeding because he didn't want me to miss the concert. It was his birthday present to me."
"You were just a little kid. You can't blame yourself for that."
"My parents did."
The ache in my chest spiked, tears threatening to fall from my eyes, but I was sure the pain inside Ren was a thousand times worse.
"They were wrong," I insisted. I climbed over, settling myself in his lap and wrapping my arms around his neck. "It was an accident. It could have happened to anyone. It's not your fault," I repeated.
"It is. It's my fault my brother is dead. I killed him."
"Ren..." I pulled back to face him. "You have to forgive yourself."
He took in a shuddering breath and leaned forward, burying his head in my neck. The touch of his lips on my skin made me shiver, but I shoved those thoughts down ruthlessly.
"Why did you come here?" he asked.
"I needed to apologize."
He shook his head. "You don't need to. It was all me. Me and my stupid hang-ups. I'd been trying so hard to forget, to build a new life for myself." He shrugged helplessly. "For a moment I'd forgotten."
"Forgotten what?"
He mumbled something into my neck.
"Ren, tell me," I insisted.
"I don't deserve you," he whispered. "I don't deserve any of this."
I took his face in my hands, making him meet my eyes. "Listen to me. You can't let guilt eat away at you. You are talented and gorgeous and kind. You deserve all the good things that have happened to you." I leaned forward to rest my forehead against his, lip nearly touching. "You are Ren of Feral Silence and you're amazing."
"I'm a mess. I'm going to keep hurting you."
"I don't care."
Ren groaned. "Ivy…"
"I don't care! So you've got some shit you're still dealing with. Okay. I can handle it. It's not like I'm perfect, either."
"Yes, you are."
I nearly laughed in his face. "Ren, you have no idea. I've been a tangled mess inside since I saw you again. I'm always doubting myself. I get jealous of all your fangirls. I wonder when you're going to start getting sick of me. And hang-ups? I'm so worried about the distance in status between us that I was going to refuse your anniversary gift if it was too expensive."
Ren looked dumbfounded. "It was just a key."
"I know that now. When you first gave it to me, though, I thought it might be a ring."
He cracked a smile. My heart lifted, happy that I was able to distract him from his guilt.
"I was worried three months was too early for a key," he admitted, a slightly teasing smile on his face. "But if you're ready for a ring…"
"Stop," I laughed. I thought he was going to continue teasing me, making me blush. He just gave me a sorrowful look and pulled me down to rest my head on his chest.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have freaked out on you. Seeing those tickets to the same concert my brother had bought for me, it just brought everything back all at once."
"I understand. Just promise me something."
"Anything."
"The next time something like that happens, you won't run off."
"I promise. We'll work through it together." He reached into his pocket and took out his key ring. "I kept the key. I didn't know what to do with it. I didn't think we'd…" he trailed off, then took it off the ring. He placed it in my palm and closed my fingers over it. "Don't leave it behind again, okay?"
My heart fluttered as I nodded. "I promise."
The vehicle stopped abruptly, jolting me off Ren's lap. He looked outside the window. "We're back at my place." He turned to me, a slow heat beginning to burn in his eyes. "You want to come in?"
A shiver ran through me, down my spine and straight into my core. There was relief welling up inside me, but also an aching need. I hadn't known how the confrontation would go, whether Ren would even want to see me again. I shouldn't have doubted his feelings for me. I couldn't mistake that look on his face.
I was positive he couldn't mistake the look on mine.