Chapter 6 Noah #2
I jolted at his words, at the insinuation.
“Romantic love,” I clarified. “I’ve had a lot of love.
My parents, obviously. You know how full of love they are, and my extended family too.
” He’d met a lot of them when we’d been together.
“And my friends, especially Moira. You should know better than anyone that romantic love is not the end all, be all.” After all, he had his group of friends with their sacred Thursday night get togethers.
Even in high school, he’d been willing to cancel plans with me if one of them needed him.
If anyone knew the strength of platonic love, it should have been Matt.
His fingers laced together with mine. “I’m sorry.
I meant romantic love too. I should’ve been clearer.
” I looked down at our interlocked fingers, and then I looked back up at him.
Our eyes met, and he began talking again.
“I just can’t imagine not having loved anyone romantically since you.
I dated a girl in college, and I loved her.
Even if we both knew going in that it’d never be one of those all-consuming loves.
Then there was Lucas. I loved him, too. Actually thought I might marry him at one point. ”
It was my turn to squeeze his hand, to offer whatever form of comfort I could.
He was so full of love, so open to it, in a way I’d never been able to master.
I was actually kind of jealous of him. I would give anything to capture even a fraction of what I’d felt for him again with anyone, even though I’d long since accepted that the odds of that happening were slim to none.
The distance between our knees had somehow shrunk over the course of our conversation, or maybe it had simply decided whether it was a crack or a canyon.
If it were the latter, it had settled on being a crack, on being something so barely there that I only noticed it because of the heat that filled the space.
I felt closer to him in that moment than I had anyone other than Moira in years.
It spurred my final confession. “I used to think I was broken,” I told him softly. “I used to think that something broke when we broke up, but I think you were just that one in a million.”
“Were?”
I nodded. “I don’t know if we can recapture the feelings we once had. I don’t know if I’m capable of feeling it again.”
He swallowed hard. His shoulders squared in a way that felt familiar.
I’d seen him do it countless times when we were younger, always when faced with a challenge.
He made himself sit straighter, taller, like it would make him appear bigger.
It only emphasized the tightness of his shirt, a shirt I realized I’d seen before.
In high school, when he’d been slimmer and less muscular.
No wonder the shirt was straining to contain him. Focus, I scolded myself.
“I want to try,” he finally said. “I don’t want casual with you.”
His words filled me with terror. What if the romantic feelings I’d once had for him never came back?
What if he just got hurt? But then again, Matt was the only person I’d ever really loved.
He was the only person who had ever ignited that spark inside of me.
Maybe it was still there, lying dormant.
I still felt closer to him than I had any of the other men I’d attempted to date.
Maybe he was the exception to the rule for me.
Maybe this was the only chance I’d have to feeling anything like that fairy tale love I’d once dreamed about.
It just didn’t seem fair to Matt to let him go in with hopes that we could have some epic romance when that might not be in our cards.
“What if I can’t… What if it doesn’t work out?”
“Then we call it off. But think of what we could be missing if we don’t try.”
“What if you hate me after?”
He scoffed. Matt actually scoffed at me. “I didn’t hate you when we broke up before, and that’s not going to happen this time.”
“You say that now,” I grumbled, echoes of my ex-boyfriend’s angry words ricocheting through my head. It was easy for Matt to say he wouldn’t hate me when it was all hypothetical, but he might feel different when the hypothetical became reality.
“Not every love lasts forever,” he said simply.
“It doesn’t mean it’s not worth it in the end.
” He scooted over until his knee was pressed against mine, the gap fully closed.
Electricity sparked at the place our bodies met.
“I’m not letting a maybe scare me off from something I want. Someone I want.”
“And you want me?”
Instead of answering, he pressed his lips to mine. The kiss was gentle, filled with promise and beginnings and acceptance.
It reminded me of another kiss, back at this same beach.
That one had been more tentative. He’d been hesitant when he’d closed that distance between us for the first time, and he’d taken me by surprise.
I’d spent a good part of that summer thinking about what it’d be like to kiss him.
I’d even imagined a perfect way for it to happen, for me to find the courage. In the end, he’d found it first.
It had been our first kiss, and when we’d pulled away, I asked him to be my boyfriend.
It seemed poetic that we restarted our relationship in the same place, years later. When I pulled away from the kiss, I knew he was right. It was a risk, but if he was willing to take it, then I had to be too. “Will you be my boyfriend?”
His smile was brighter than the sun shining overhead, but his answer was so simple that it was beautiful. The most beautiful word I’d ever heard.
“Yes.”