Chapter 14
RYDER
“So, he was kneeling by your bed and gently woke you. Then what?” Kerry sits down in the chair across from me with a fresh cup of tea.
“He said to come find him if I wanted company.”
She takes a slow sip, the steam rising above her lips. “Did you?”
My head lolls to the side. “No. I took a long shower. Then I dug out the cookies Cole has jammed in the back of his freezer and watched movies into the wee hours of the morning.”
“What do you do when you’re at home and have a nightmare like that?”
“I crawl into bed with Jamie, and she talks to me until I can sleep again. If she can’t sleep, I do the same.”
Kerry wraps her hands around her mug, resting it in her lap. “Why didn’t you take Cole up on his offer? It sounds like you are becoming friends, and he would have sat with you like Jamie does.”
My body tenses. “I’m there to do a job. I’m supposed to protect him, not have him sit up with me at night because I had a bad dream.” My fingernails dig into my palms. It sounds like a lame ass excuse even to me.
She nods, knowing I’m not ready to hunt for the truth underneath all that, and I love her for it.
She redirects, momentarily letting me off the hook. “You’re going to this event where you’ll have to wear a dress, and every person there will be watching the two of you. How do you feel about that?” She smiles. “I’m not sure I’ve ever seen your legs, let alone wearing a fancy dress.”
I roll my eyes. “Lyla has a rack of dresses and a spray tan appointment lined up.” I cringe.
Kerry laughs. “I bet she does. This is her dream come true, getting you in one of those dresses she wears.”
I groan. “It’ll be painful.”
“Will it? What part?”
I exhale, needing it to release the tension that’s taken hold of my body since last night. It doesn’t work.
“Umm. . .all of it. The tiny, tight dress. The exposed skin.” I pick at the loose strands on my jeans. “The touching that might be necessary.”
“Has he touched you? Bumped into you? Reached for something at the same time?”
I knew she’d jump on that. She takes another sip, waiting.
“No. The first night I was there, my stitches broke open while I was working out. He tried to take a look, but I jerked away.” I pause, reliving it. “I had to grab his wrist at the game to remove him from a situation, but it was for two seconds.”
And I was in control.
One eyebrow raises slightly. “The other night, when he was in your room, he knelt by your bed and didn’t even attempt to physically comfort you.”
She pauses as if she’s waiting for me to see something I’m missing.
“Do you know how it feels if Tracker brushes up against you? Or what about TJ? If TJ grabs your arm in play, do all your defensive instincts kick in, and you react?”
The tension in my shoulders eases only slightly as I ponder her question. TJ and I mess around all the time. He punches me, swings an arm around my shoulders, we spar at the gym, and it’s ok. They’re not frequent, but I don’t mind Tracker’s hugs, and that doesn’t happen with other people.
“I know when it’s them.”
She rests her mug on her leg.
Shit. Here it comes.
I’m not sure I’m ready. I inhale deep and slow, trying to prepare myself for the blast.
“Maybe you can get used to Cole’s touch so you can identify it as safe. He’s gentle and careful with you. He’s demonstrated that. I imagine his hands are the same.”
My body seizes up so tight at the thought that my shoulders, abs, and thighs begin to ache.
The idea of Cole or anyone touching me makes me want to puke.
It’s terrifying. Getting used to someone’s touch requires the kind of vulnerability I detest, and I have no interest in desensitizing myself to Cole. For some reason, especially Cole.
“I want to punch something,” I say honestly, my fists burning with the urge to make contact.
Kerry grins. “I understand that. This is pulling a lot of your triggers. You’ll need a long workout after this.”
I’d say she has no idea, but she does. “So, what, just let him touch me? Work through the torture. Get used to the feel of his hands.”
This is ridiculous. We live in the same space and are together all the time when he’s not footballing, but I keep my distance. Never closer than a foot, and now, we’re supposed to start touching!
She clearly senses my panic and sets her tea on the table beside her. She leans forward, resting her arms on her legs. “Ryder, you have a gift that few possess. You see and feel things on a level others will never experience.” Her voice is calm and reassuring, but I feel none of it.
“Gift my ass. It’s a freaking curse.”
She grins. “Yes, sometimes. But it’s what makes you great at what you do. It’s also what might help you with this assignment.”
Her lips fall, and she’s back to serious mode, causing my body to shift into rigor mortis mode.
“I imagine if you take Cole’s hand, or it brushes against your arm, you’ll immediately detect and track every intricate detail.
Whether they’re hot or cold, clammy or dry.
You’ll note every callous and scratch. You’ll know his hands, and it will be ok.
He’s not given you one reason to associate his touch with threat or alarm. ”
Now, I really want to vomit. “So, what? Just. . .let him touch me? Ask him to?” I want to scream and kick something as hard as I can.
She rests back, crossing her legs casually. I’m sure trying to soothe my severe anxious agitation.
“Ryder, what does he smell like?”
Clean, like grass and pine.
“When you stand next to him, what do you feel?”
His calm, poised confidence.
“What sounds does he make?”
He takes deep breaths like he’s trying to let go of the world resting on his shoulders, and his laugh is so carefree that it makes me smile inside.
She waits until my eyes find hers again. “You know all of those things already. You could be blindfolded in a room with ten men. You’d know exactly which one he is, and he’s never even touched you.”
She’s right.
“So, just let him touch me?” I ask again, a little less forcefully this time, but not wanting to accept this as a solution.
She takes a slow sip of her tea, giving me a minute to let it all settle. I need it to because just thinking about letting Cole Matthews have access to my skin makes me want to go ahead and light myself on fire.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” She tosses it out there, dangling the worst-case scenario crap in front of my face. She knows Cole is far from worst-case, and I despise that she’s this damn good at her job.
I glare at her and her wisdom.
“What if, at this party, he slides his arm around you to guide you, and his fingers wrap around the side of your stomach?”
I know exactly what could happen. “I could dislocate his shoulder in one swift movement.”
She smiles. “Well, that wouldn’t be good for his job or yours.” She laughs, easing my overwhelming urge to freak the hell out. “Want to know what I think?”
Nope. Definitely don’t.
I cross my arms over my chest, wanting to ignore her, but dammit, I can’t, and she knows it.
She grabs her mug again. “I think you already know enough about this man that you can tell him you’re not big on physical contact, and he’ll respect that.” She stares at me. “But you might find it’s not that bad.”
Is she living in some fucking dream world?
“He’ll think I’m a lunatic!”
“Who gives a shit?! You’re keeping his ass safe, and you need to not flinch every time he comes within inches. That won’t work.”
Ok, here we go.
I like it when Kerry gets riled up. It reminds me she’s on my team.
“Do whatever you need to make it tolerable. You know what I’m saying. It doesn’t matter what Cole or anyone else thinks.”
I stare at her, not liking any part of this but knowing she’s right as usual.
“It doesn’t feel like it, but you’re gonna be ok, Ryder. Cole Matthews is safe. You don’t need to protect yourself from him.”
I let go of a breath slowly, feeling really unsure about that one. Cole is safe, and some very distant part of me feels like that’s precisely the problem.
______
I leave Kerry’s office and climb the stairs to check on Kelsey. During my morning update with Tracker, he said she’d been released from the hospital and that Hope had brought her here.
I knock on her door lightly.
“Come in.” Her voice is weak.
I open the door, and she’s curled up in a chair, staring out the window at the pool below, where Sandy and her kids are playing.
One eye is black and blue and swollen shut.
Her busted lip is scabbed over and looks painful.
The fingerprints around her neck have faded, but the effects will last forever.
Even battered and bruised, she still looks so young.
“Hey.” I take a seat on the edge of her bed. She doesn’t look at me. “I’m glad you’re here.”
She doesn’t move, but I know she heard me despite the damage she suffered to her right ear.
I rest my arms on my knees. “You were brave to send that text. It took a lot of guts, and I’m so happy you did.”
She untucks a hand from between her legs to swipe a tear. “I was so stupid.”
“Nah. You just wanted to believe he meant what he said. Don’t punish yourself for wanting to see the good when he’s never given you a reason to. That’s a beautiful thing.”
She scoffs, wiping her nose on her sleeve. “I was weak and pathetic.”
I think about all the times I left, and Tracker came for me, even though I gave him every reason not to. He just kept showing up, fighting until I found something that gave all of the pain, shame, and brokenness purpose.
“All this anger and suffering, don’t let it fester and pull you under,” I say, and her lip quivers. “I know it hurts like hell, and you want to beat yourself up worse than he did for giving him another chance.”
Her chin drops to her chest.
“Don’t let him or anyone else take one more thing from you. Use it to fight back in any way you can.” I pause. “Fight, Kelsey. Show him and everyone else what you’re made of. There’s only one reason that you’re still sitting here, and it’s because you fought to be here.”
“I want to be brave like you.” She sniffs, wiping her nose on her sleeve as her body shakes.
I crouch down in front of her. “I’m not brave, Kelsey. I’ve just got nothing left to lose. They took it all, but you do. You have so much to give, and there’s a whole world out there that needs you to show them that you can.”
I wait to see if she’ll look at me. “Show me. Show every woman and child who sets foot in this place. Show him that he didn’t win.”
Her watery eyes finally tip up to mine. She bites the corner of her swollen lip. “I don’t know how to do that.”
I nod. “I know, but we’ll help you figure it out.” Looking at her, her fierce bravery makes me smile. “You’re not all by yourself. You can do this, and you’re going to be ok.”
I sit with her for a while longer in the silence. Sometimes, that’s all we need. Someone to sit with us when there are no words. When all that’s left is to face ourselves and decide if there’s anything worth saving.
I leave with my stomach twisting into a giant knot and threatening to leap out onto the floor. I don’t want to hear what I told her. The thing about fighting and not letting them win.
I’ve been fighting and winning, but now I’m faced with a new challenge. One that involves a handsome football player and all those words I said to Kelsey, punching me in the face.
Maybe it’s all the things I needed to remind myself. Maybe Kerry’s right. Maybe it’s time not to give a single shit and fight.
Only this time, I have to be willing to fight for myself again. The thing is, like all the times before, it’s hard to fight for something filled with emptiness—when you have nothing to offer, even yourself.