Chapter 30
COLE
I toss my iPad on the hotel bed. I can’t look at it anymore.
I run a hand through my hair, gripping it until my scalp burns.
I’ve been searching for the past hour, and nothing yields the confirmation I was hoping for.
It’s close to nine Eastern Standard Time, and I need sleep. I can’t afford to be tired tomorrow. After last week’s fiasco, I have no choice but to be on my game and remind my management and fans what I can do.
The problem is that my mind couldn’t be any further from where it should be. It’s stuck back in Miami with a particular woman who has begun to turn everything I thought I knew and lived by upside down.
The truth is, I don’t want to be here. I want to be in my room watching tape or SportsCenter while Ryder cusses her way through sudoku.
I love watching her with the pencil between her teeth, trying number after number until she gets it. But all I can think about is the mark under her arm, and Matt, and her busting into hotel rooms and places that. . .
Tracker said she’s the best, and what if she’s the best because. . .
My hands fist at my sides, and I want to punch something or someone, but I don’t even know who they are. All I know is, if Ryder were here or I were there, I’d know for sure that at least right now, she’s safe.
My phone buzzes, and I want it to be her, but I know it’s not.
“Hey, Mags,” I say, hoping she doesn’t hear my disappointment. I don’t need her prying tonight.
“You sound awfully grumpy,” she whispers.
“Why are you whispering?”
“Quinny just fell asleep, and I’m taking the moment of quiet to find out what in the hell is going on with you. You’ve been avoiding me, and we don’t do that.” There’s a hint of hurt in her tone, and it’s a punch in the gut.
“Yeah. I’m sorry.” It’s all I can muster.
For a long time, all we had was each other, and she doesn’t deserve how I’ve been acting.
“Wanna tell me what’s up?”
I don’t even know where to begin. “A lot has been happening.”
“So, I’ve been gathering.”
There’s a long pause, both of us hanging on the line. Then Maggie speaks.
“Is one of those things the beautiful blonde I keep seeing you with?”
“It’s not what you think.” I don’t want to get into this with Maggie, but I also don’t have anyone else, which is pathetic.
“Hmm. Do you want it to be what I think?” Her quiet voice livens, and I can’t help the little tug at my lips.
“I’m not sure it really matters.”
She’s quiet for another moment. “You know, when I first met Shane, he made it very clear that he never wanted to get married or have a family. He was so closed off and tried pretty much everything to shut me out.”
I huff out a laugh. “I see how well that worked for him.”
“Right?” she whispers, but I know she’s smiling.
“Really. He tried every single ounce of my patience. He just had to know that I wasn’t going anywhere.
That no matter what, I wasn’t letting him go.
” She pauses. “I don’t know if it’s even remotely the same, but sometimes the people we care about need us to show them time and time again that we’ll stick around even when they screw up, piss us off, and push us away. ”
Ryder has a force field around her, and when she feels threatened or uncomfortable, all her defense systems fire. I’ve seen it. Felt it. She retreats and pulls away. Maybe there is a bit of a similarity.
“If you care about her and think she’s worth it, don’t give up. We have to fight for the things we want to hold onto.”
Ryder is the one used to fighting, but I wonder if she’d ever let someone else fight for her.
“Cole,” Maggie whispers softly.
I clear my throat. “Yeah.”
“Kick some ass tomorrow and then come home. Just a day or two.”
“Maggie, I—”
“Just think about it. Maybe you need to clear your head.”
“I love you, Mags.”
“I love you, too.”
We hang up, and I think about everything she said.
I didn’t know that Shane never wanted to get married.
He agreed to marry Maggie so she could remain guardian of our siblings, but the two of them are so in love it’s sickening.
They can’t get enough of each other, but they’re also partners and best friends.
It’s what I want someday. My parents, or at least what I remember of them, were the same.
I’ve never cared about someone the way I’m beginning to care about Ryder. I could force myself to let it go and try to return to the simple monotony I had before, or I could not give up.
I grab my phone again. It rings twice.
“Hey, everything ok?”
My nerves stand down at the sound of Ryder’s voice. “Yeah.”
There’s silence like she’s waiting for me to say more.
“Uh. . .shouldn’t you be sleeping?”
Yes. I definitely should be.
“Where are you?” I want her to say my apartment, but I also don’t want her to be there alone.
“I’m at home,” she says, like she thinks this is weird.
It kind of is, but I don’t care.
“What did you do tonight?” I’ve never seen Ryder in her environment, except for that one night at Tracker and Hope’s house.
“I ate brownies and helped Jamie pack. She’s moving out in a few weeks. Then we ordered pizza, and Jos, Van, and Ly proceeded to argue about who’s taking her room.” Her tone softens, and she sounds sad.
“Don’t Vanessa and Lyla already live there?”
“Yeah, but they travel a lot. Lyla is in New York most of the time. Jamie’s room is on the first floor across from mine, and apparently, it’s bigger. You wouldn’t believe how many times the tape measure was pulled out and the bartering that was going on.”
“Sounds fun.” It makes me think of my family and Maggie telling me to come home. “What would you think if I said I wanted to go home for a few days next week?”
Silence.
“To see your family?”
“Yeah.”
More silence.
“Is. . .that what you want?” There’s a hesitancy in her voice that I want to erase.
“Never mind. It’s not a good idea.”
“Are you sure you’re ok?”
I hear her concern. “Yeah. I’m good.”
“Are you missing your sudoku puzzles? You know, there are apps.” She teases me, and it ignites a fire in my belly that I have to dampen quickly.
“I’ve been missing it for a while since you steal it every night. How do you know there are apps?” I toss back, wishing we were hanging out in my room instead of being on opposite sides of the country.
She dodges the question. “Is Captain Human Papillomavirus stationed outside your door?”
I laugh. “Yes. Well, I think so.”
“Could you double-check and make sure the deadbolt is secure?”
“Sure.”
“You need to go to bed, Matthews. I want to actually be able to tell what’s happening in the game tomorrow.”
“Ok,” I laugh, and the silence settles in again.
I’m not ready to hang up. “Hey, Ryder.” I pause and then leap, jumping in, wanting her to know I might be scared, but I’m here, and I plan to stick around. “Will you call me if you have a nightmare tonight?”
A few seconds tick by before she says anything. “Cole.”
I like the way she says my name. Soft but also commanding.
“You need to sleep, not be worried about—”
“Please.” I can’t think about her waking up alone.
There’s a long pause, so long I check to make sure she didn’t hang up.
Then, I hear the only word I need tonight.
“Ok.”