Chapter 33 #2
I struggle to take in tiny amounts of air. “What do I owe you for?”
“You’ve got to do it like this.” Liv lifts one foot and then the other, adjusting my stance so I’m fully pressed against Cole.
My entire body ignites, and lava spews through my veins.
Cole leans in close, dropping his head to my ear. “You. . .ate all my cookies.”
I lean back to look at him, needing space and oxygen. “That. . .is not my fault.” I hiss. “I told you. They’re laced with crack. Addiction is a serious disease.” The sarcasm tumbles out and reels in a few inches of panic.
His head falls back with a burst of laughter. The sound shocks my heart into a more regular rhythm, kicking my lungs into action. He turns us so his back is to his family, and I’m shielded from our possible audience.
His eyes meet mine, all traces of his smile falling away. “See, this isn’t so bad, is it?”
I suck in air and hold it. Then, carefully let it out through my nose.
It’s not bad at all, except I feel like a wildfire is spreading through my body, eating away one layer of defense at a time.
“You don’t have to hide from me,” he whispers so softly, only I hear.
His pure gaze tries to assure me, but every dark place of my past tells me I have to.
A large lump reemerges in my throat, and I choke it down.
His stubbled cheek brushes against my temple, and I want to let my head fall to the center of his chest, just like the night he held me in his bathroom. Safe and warm, like nothing can touch me there.
He sways us as I battle with the painful truth. I don’t want to hide from him. The problem is he doesn’t understand what he’s promising.
______
“Stay low. Don’t move.”
I peek my head around the side of the couch. Cole squats beside me, holding his fully loaded Nerf gun.
“Listen, these fools don’t know what you do, but to Teddy, this is war,” Cole whispers.
“I already told you, I don’t lose battles.” The corners of my mouth creep upward.
After the avalanche of emotions this morning, it feels damn good to be in my element again.
That perfect grin appears, and I study it, probably a little too long, thoughts I’ve never had before skipping through my mind.
Explore. Nope.
Back to work.
“Ok. I’ll cover you.” I peek around the couch again. “You check the hallway and see if it’s clear. We’re getting to the flag first.”
“You’ll cover me?” His tone is full of doubt.
“Matthews, I’m sure as hell not letting you cover me unless we’re fighting with footballs.”
He laughs. “What if they hit me?”
“Pack the wound, and I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
He raises an eyebrow. “What happened to no man left behind?”
“Yeah, that wasn’t part of Tracker’s training. We go for the rescue, and right now, we’ve got a flag to steal from these punks.”
“Fine, but I’m only sacrificing myself because I want bragging rights next year.” Cole ducks out from behind the couch, moving along the wall to check that hallway.
I keep my eyes moving and ears open. There’s nothing but silence. Those little boys are somewhere.
He waves his hand, giving me the all-clear. I move to join him, watching my back as I go. We press into the wall, guns raised.
I point to the kitchen, and he nods.
He goes first.
POP! POP! POP!
“Move!” I yell, following close and shoving him toward the overhang of the island. We duck underneath.
I give it a second before I take a risk and spot Garrett and Shane.
POP. POP.
I nail them both in the back as they try to escape.
“Aw, man,” I hear Garrett say.
“What the hell?” Shane says, and I bite my lip to hide my grin.
“You’re out, suckas,” Cole says, but I put a finger to my lips, silencing him.
Teddy is around here somewhere. I point toward the hallway again.
Cole goes first, and I follow, covering us from behind.
We inch down the hallway, pressed to the wall. I motion to the first bedroom. He sticks his head around and gives me the go-ahead.
We creep toward the next, but I catch movement. Teddy’s head pops around the corner behind us.
“Get down.” I shove Cole into the room as two darts fly past us.
He stumbles backward, tripping over a rug, and I tumble, landing on top of him.
I can’t move. Everything is still. The entire weight of my body rests on his. A flash zips past the door on the way to the flag, but it’s game over. All I can see and hear is the beat of my heart as I stare into Cole’s eyes.
We’re nose to nose, his hands gripping my hips. There’s an inch between my mouth and his, and it would be so easy to just. . .
To know what it feels like—my lips on his. To kiss. But not just kiss. To know what it feels like to kiss Cole Matthews.
What the hell am I doing?
My pulse quickens, all blood racing fast and furious. Flight mode kicks in, and I’m gone.
I roll off of him, trying not to panic, but it’s attacking all senses, including my sound judgment.
I’ve never thought about kissing a man. Never wondered what it would be like. I’ve never allowed myself, but now—
Holy shit! What am I thinking?
I round the corner, not having any idea where I’m going, while trying not to hyperventilate.
“Ryder, wait.” Cole’s voice trails behind me. “Ryder.”
He catches up, his hand wrapping around my wrist. I don’t fight it. I just keep moving.
I hear voices, and Cole thrusts open a door and pulls me inside.
I’m paralyzed and let him.
He flips a switch and closes the door. Light from a single dim bulb fills the space.
I shove my hands into my hair. I need air and not to be so freaking messed up.
“Shit! Fuck! This. . . I. . . I don’t know what’s happening.” My chest moves in and out, but no air enters.
I fist my hands, so I don’t start grabbing cans to see if I can make them explode.
Cole stands perfectly still, keeping distance between us.
I let my head fall into my hands.
“Ryder, breathe. It’s ok.” His voice is achingly tender. “You don’t have to be afraid of anything with me.”
I suck in a breath and push it out. In and out. I want to laugh. I’m not afraid of him, and that’s precisely the problem.
I force my eyes open and head up.
His face is so serious and so gentle that it causes a burn to spread throughout my chest, searing every empty space. The gaping holes left where innocence, purity, and goodness once resided never to return. All the dead, dark crevices that were hollowed out and numb. . .until now.
Dammit.
“I can’t fucking breathe,” I whisper.
“Hey. It’s ok. It’s just me.” He takes the tiniest step closer. “I won’t make that move. Ever. You’ll have to do it or at least give me permission.”
I stare at him, like really stare at him, patient, kind, and so damn decent. There’s no frustration or nervousness, just what I think might be…longing—tender and sweet.
Something hurts deep inside, like a knife slicing me right through the middle.
For the first time in my life, I want to know what it feels like. I want to know kind hands and soft lips, and it to be of my choosing. And I want it to be Cole. I want to know what only he feels like.
A raging fire crawls up my throat. My fear collides with the anger that this simple and innocent thing is so excruciatingly painful. It hurts in every place where it should feel so good.
I don’t know if I can fight through it. I’m scared to. I don’t know what’s on the other side, or even worse. . .the in between.
It’s ok to want him to touch you.
Ahh! I press my fists to my eyes hard, and colorful stars burst forth.
Fight for myself.
I want to be brave enough.
I drop my hands and force myself to face him.
He’s just. . .waiting.
I let my breathing slow and take a small step forward.
He only watches just. . .being here with me.
I take another, making a choice with the only man I’ll likely ever trust enough to help me.
My toes bump his, and he exhales but still doesn’t move.
I study his face. His eyes, the brightest blue I’ve ever seen. Even in the dim light of the pantry, I see the intensity, but it isn’t the kind to run from. He isn’t afraid, and it makes me want to be brave.
He’s giving me time, and I know if I stepped out of this closet right now, it’d be ok. We’d be ok.
Believing that makes me want to try—to let myself, let us, see what it’s like.
I swallow the massive ball of fear that’s stuck somewhere between my chest and my throat. “I need your help,” I whisper.
He stares into my eyes. “Ok.”
“I need you to. . .participate.” I squeeze it out before I run.
His chest starts flowing in and out a little more quickly against my own. “Are you sure?” His hands remain at his sides.
“I think so.”
“It’s only me,” he reminds me.
I inhale his scent and hold on to it. “I know. I couldn’t do this with someone else. I don’t. . .want to. I’ve never wanted to.”
I let my eyes fall to his chest as his hands slide around my waist, holding me to him.
“Are you really sure? Because I’ll wait. I want you—”
“I’m sure.” I blurt, not giving my brain a moment to have an opinion.
One side of his mouth ticks up into a small smirk, and I like it too much. It’s reassuring and sexy, and what my body needs to begin to relax.
“You won’t drop my ass to the floor, will you?”
“It’s possible.”
Be brave. It’s ok. Just let yourself feel this one thing.
A quiet laugh escapes him, and he moves into me, his fingers gripping me a little tighter. “I think it’s worth the risk.”
My stomach folds in on itself, twisting tight. He lifts a hand to my face, brushing the loose hairs away.
All the air has been sucked out of our small space, and I can’t breathe. For the first time in my life, it’s a good kind of feeling.
The rough pad of his thumb traces over my cheek, and I close my eyes. “Feel my hands.”
It’s a command, and my heart picks up pace again, beating to a new rhythm. Something that feels like the thrill of anticipation mixed with the nerves of the unknown.
His head drops lower, his lips pressing so softly to the center of my forehead, leaving them there. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”
His words reach in and grab hold of my heart and squeeze.