Chapter 38
COLE
I punch in the code on the keypad and open the door to my apartment. I don’t want to step inside. I know what’s coming.
I’ve been dreading it every second of the last fifteen hours. Ever since I found Ryder in the basement and she told me Mindy was taken into custody, she’s only made it clearer.
I remade my bed on the floor and spent most of the night trying to understand what’s happening. The shift between our morning at the cabin and the evening was a sudden, full-on reversal.
I step inside, and Ryder follows me in silently. It’s the same silence I’ve endured since she told me about Mindy.
I’ve known at some point Ryder would no longer be my hired protection, but we crossed a line. When you live with someone and basically do everything together, professional boundaries kind of go out the window. In this case, I wanted them to.
I thought this mattered to Ryder—that I was more than a job. But at the moment, I can’t help but feel like maybe I was only an experiment. Now that her duty is done, she’s ready to move on.
Her suitcase roll against the tile, and I turn toward her.
“I’m. . .going to pack my stuff and check in with Tracker.” Her gaze remains locked on her bag.
“So, you pack, and then what?”
Her eyes drag up to mine. “We’ll close out the case and the contract. Tracker will be in touch about that.”
I cross my arms, doing my best to keep my building frustration under control. “That’s not what I mean. I don’t give a shit about the contract, the bill, or anything else. I mean you and me. What’s happening right now?”
Her chin lifts as her strong shoulders roll back. “Now that Mindy is no longer a threat, I can go home, and you’re free to get back to your life.”
I rub my forehead, trying really hard not to let the stabbing pain of her dismissiveness send me into a rage. Ryder isn’t like all the others. I know that, but this feels a little too familiar.
I step closer, leaving two feet between us. “That’s all this was. Just a job, and you’re done now.” I stare at her, pushing back. “I don’t believe that.”
Her weight shifts from one boot to the other, and her gaze drops to the phone clenched in her hand. “I’m sorry. I made. . .a mistake.”
I scoff, and her eyes jump to mine. “Don’t do that. Don’t discount it. It wasn’t a mistake, and I want you to tell me why you’re hell-bent on getting out of here, away from me, as fast as you can.”
There’s a stretch of silence filled with nothing but my anxious frustration.
She shakes her head gently. “I can’t. . . Your life—”
“Stop. Don’t reduce me to my name or my profession like everyone else.” I step closer, wanting to touch her and have her trust me with whatever has her running. I squeeze my fist, resisting the urge. “Ryder, it’s just me. Tell me what’s going on.”
“Please don’t do this.” Her voice is soft but hoarse.
I take another step forward, leaving only inches between us.
Her eyes press closed before she opens them again. “My job is to protect you. That’s what I’m doing.”
I take a risk, needing her to see and feel my next words. “I don’t want or need to be protected any longer.”
Her head falls toward the floor.
My chest aches with the words singeing the edges of my caged heart. “I want you to stay.” There it is. The truth. I don’t want her to leave me.
“I can’t.” It’s barely a whisper.
“Yes, you can. Stay with me. We’ll figure this out. You don’t have to be afraid. I promise you.”
“Don’t say that,” her soft voice quivers.
I lift her face up to mine, and she blinks quickly. “Stay with me. You’ve trusted me before. Believe in me.”
“I can’t. . .be what you want me to be.”
My heart rate spikes with desperation. “All I want is you. Just like this.”
“You don’t understand what you’re saying.” She slips away as her irritation ignites. “I’m not made for this. I belong out there. It’s all I know. All I’ll ever. . .” She shakes her head, her gaze dropping to the floor again.
After a moment, her face tips back up, and that stoic mask slips into place.
“There’s so much darkness that lives inside me.
It’s eaten away everything good. It never stops taking.
I won’t let it take from anyone else.” She bites her bottom lip, and the indentation remains. “I won’t let it take from you.”
Pain and fear stare back at me, so real and raw it spears me straight through.
“You don’t know the places I’ve been and the things I’ve done. I’m not who you think I am.” Her voice is set and determined. “My life is out there, and yours. . .is here.” She gestures to my space, spotless and quiet.
I want to tear the entire place apart and show her just how much of a mess I am. Structure and order are what keep my fragile insides securely intact. It’s a fucking facade.
Her eyes dance between mine, and I watch her pull in a long, slow breath as if she’s shoring herself up for battle. “I’m sorry if I’ve done anything to hurt you, but if I stay, that’s all I would be doing.”
I stare at her, taking in every detail.
Fuck it.
I move into her again, sliding my hands around her face and pressing my lips to her forehead. “I know who you are. I may not know your life story or the things you’ve faced, but I know you. I want you. Just you. Just like this. I want all of it.”
She tucks her lip between her teeth to keep it from trembling.
I inhale, thinking about what Maggie told me about Shane. He went through a lot as a kid, and she said he tried everything to push her away. That feels a hell of a lot like what Ryder is doing. If so, she’ll find out that I’ve spent years perfecting how to stand my ground.
I wait for her to look at me. “If you have to go, ok. But I’ll be right here. I’m not going anywhere, and you’ll just have to get used to that.”
I press my lips to her forehead once more, holding them there. Her body is rigid and cold.
I don’t want to, but I let her go. Her eyes linger on mine for a moment before she drags her suitcase to her room.
I lean over the counter, resting my head in my hands and gripping my hair so tight that pain surges through my scalp.
I’ve held onto football like it was my lifeline. It always has been, but now I know what it’s like to want something more. I don’t want football to be my entire life. Hell, the way it’s been going, it might not be there for as long as I imagined it would. Maybe I don’t even want it to be.
I clench my jaw tightly, wanting to scream.
I drag myself up and grab my phone, heading to my room. I told Ryder I wasn’t going anywhere, and I’m not. Whatever the future might hold, I want her in it.
She’s a fighter, but so am I. It’s about damn time I remind everyone of that.
______
ME: We need to meet. I want to know what my options are.
ROB: I’ll schedule it. I’ve got some information on your contract details. If you want out, it’ll help that the threats were coming from inside.