Chapter 40
COLE
“In light of everything that’s happened, I’d like to know what options you’ll offer my client.
I’ve reviewed the contract, and it appears that a trade once the season closes might be the best solution for all parties.
Cole is too young and talented to be squandered within an organization that doesn’t seem to take much of anything seriously. ”
I rest back in my chair, finally letting Rob do the job I should’ve asked him to do last season.
My relationship and trust in the Stingrays have dwindled to nothing over these past two years.
I may not have any options until my contract is up, but they need to understand I’m done standing by and watching all my hard work be shot to shit.
Greg rests back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. “We couldn’t have had any idea of Mindy’s previous connection to Cole.”
Rob leans forward, clasping his hands. “That may be true, but somehow, she switched his playbook, which tells me your entire system is careless and broken. That should’ve never happened.”
“What are you looking for from us?” Jim, the Stingrays’s owner, asks.
He’s an old man, and from everything I’ve seen, he has a kind heart, but he’s a businessman. “Cole’s contract isn’t up until after next season. He’s the only thing keeping us afloat. I’m not interested in a trade.”
Rob rests back in his chair, matching Greg’s posture.
“Then, I suggest a long, hard look at who’s running your organization and find some players who actually deserve to be out on that field.
” He sniffs. “You know exactly what Cole is capable of and what his future holds. Right now, that won’t be here. ”
Jim eyes me while Greg appears as if he’s about to shoot through the roof.
“Cole, it’ll take time to turn this ship around, but I want you as part of our team.” Jim’s head swivels to look at Greg. “We’ll be examining our members to see if we can get you some help out there.”
“Thank you, sir. I’m here to win, but I need a team that will show up.”
His chin dips in a nod. “Very good. Let’s hope your wrist is good to go this weekend. Jenkins won’t be able to hold these guys off. His focus is on his family.”
Although Will’s dedication hasn’t wavered despite his daughter remaining in the hospital, his focus is understandably elsewhere, and another quarterback has been added. I’ve been watching from the sidelines, giving my wrist a little more time to be sure it’s fully healed.
“Yes, sir. It’s feeling good,” I try to assure him.
He stands, dismissing us, and Rob and I leave the conference room. This meeting only calms a small portion of my anger and frustration, but it’s the one thing I can do right now. The rest, I need to figure out how to dampen.
It’s been four days since Ryder left, and it still burns like hell. Every day that goes by feels like she’s slipping further away.
I’ve held my phone every night with her name calling to me. But I’m gambling that if I give her a little time and space, she might actually miss me, too. Maybe it’ll be enough to change her mind or at least see that I might be worth the risk.
Rob claps my shoulder as we make our way out of the practice facility. “I did the best I could. They’d be idiots to let you go. They’re smart enough to recognize that.”
We push out the doors, and when I look toward my Range Rover, I’m reminded again that Ryder isn’t here waiting for me. The disappointment stings.
“Thanks for coming down and making it clear that I’m done with this circus.”
“Not a problem. I wish I could stay longer. You’ve got one season after this, then we’ll get you out of here. You should be tracking where you want to go. I’ll do my best to get you there.”
He stops before we part ways. “With this mess behind you, enjoy what you can.” He smiles, shaking my hand.
The only thing I found enjoyable about this city just left me.
My brain swirls as I drive home. I have a game in two days, and I need to be prepared.
I shower and cook dinner, then sit on my empty couch and watch other teams play the way I used to. When I can’t take any more, I move to my room and turn on SportsCenter.
I set the control on my open sudoku book. Half the puzzle is unfinished, and the pencil Ryder held between her teeth sits beside it. I stare at it, wondering if she’s home, safe, or if she’s busting into a hotel room and yanking kids from—
My phone buzzes, and I snatch it up. I shove out the hopeful breath, seeing it’s Nick.
“Hey, man.”
“Hey.” His low, grumbly voice is nice to hear, even if it’s not the one I want. “It was your PR rep, really?”
“Yep. She knew what she was doing. Now, I’ve got to prove that I’m not broken on Sunday. If we don’t win, or at least play like we belong there. . . ” I don’t finish. He knows.
“You all right, man?”
I run a hand over my forehead. “Everything feels like a fucking mess.” It’s the truth. “I’ve never been ready for a season to be over, but it’s been one thing after another.”
“And now my feed will be filled with elaborate break-up rumors and theories.” There’s amusement in his tone.
I haven’t even thought about what will happen now that Ryder isn’t with me everywhere I go.
My head falls against my headboard. “Yeah, probably.”
“Why does it sound like that bothers you?”
It never would have before. There was no truth to any rumors. I don’t respond.
“So, she’s not there anymore?”
I don’t know if I want to get into this. It hurts too damn bad, but I guess this is what best friends are for, and I’m tired of walking around feeling like a lonely fool.
“No, as soon as Mindy was taken in, she moved out.”
“I take it by your salty tone you didn’t want her to. Did you tell her that?”
“Yes, but it’s complicated.”
He laughs. “Hell, man, is it ever not complicated?”
One side of my mouth curls upward for the first time in days, and I decide to let it out. “I think. . .I fell for her. No, I did. Totally and completely.”
“Fuucck.”
“Yep.”
“Matthews, I’m going to say something I could never say to anyone but you.”
Nick is the absolute last person I’d ever expect to give me advice when it comes to matters of the heart. The man is closed off to everything outside of football. He doesn’t do feelings or emotions unless it involves getting pissed. He’s like a big, rocky boulder, impossible to see through or move.
“I’ve known you for a long time, and there’s a reason you’re my best friend. My only friend.” He huffs out a laugh. “If you love this girl, it means she’s something special.”
Special doesn’t even begin to describe it.
“And if she’s not there with you, it’s either because she’s an absolute dumbass or she realizes that you’re the most stand-up guy on this planet, and that scares the shit out of her.”
My frustration awakens. “Ryder isn’t a dumbass, and I’m as screwed up as the next guy.”
“Believe me, your level of perfection is pretty damn intimidating.” His words hit a raw nerve.
“I’m not perfect.” I spit it out.
Ryder’s comments about not fitting into my life or being deserving of it charge to the surface, along with all my pent-up agitation.
He laughs, and my skin heats to a thousand degrees.
“No, man, you’re not perfect, but to the outside, you’re just a privileged boy who’s never wanted for anything a day in your life.
I know that’s not true. I’ve seen how long and hard you’ve worked, all you’ve lost, and why this game is everything. But you never let anyone see that.”
He pauses, and I stand, needing to move before I come unglued with the lifetime of assumptions and expectations piled high around me.
“You’re scared to let people see you struggle or fail.
Hell, you won’t even be honest about how miserable you’ve been or stand up to those assholes you call teammates for fear they might see you get a little ruffled.
You’ve locked yourself up in your tower, away from everyone and everything, even your family, because it’s better than letting anyone see that Cole Matthews deals with the same shit the rest of us do. ”
His words drop like a thousand-pound weight on my very last nerve.
I inhale, ready to breathe fire. “This game is all I ever had. From day one, I’ve been watched, evaluated, manipulated, used, and held to every standard, just waiting for me to fall short.
I’ve never known what it’s like to not have every part of my life dissected and twisted to help others make a living.
I can’t even breathe without someone having an opinion on how well I’m doing it. ”
I pull air into my lungs that won’t expand.
“I play football, and I’m damn good at it. It’s all anyone has ever expected of me. The only thing that’s ever given me purpose or value.”
Something shifts, and part of the pressure encapsulating my body lifts with that truth.
I run a hand through my hair, wanting to pull it out.
I release my grip along with a slow breath.
“Allowing anything else in would’ve only given the press something to feed on.
Women scoring a few nights in my bed and what they could gain from it.
Just a distraction that would have held me back and let him down.
His legacy. His memory. The only thing I have left. ”
I drop on the edge of the bed, knowing it’s so fucked up. But telling me that even six months ago would have been as good as talking to a brick wall.
“I don’t know how to do this differently or have any idea what I’d do without it.”
It’s my pathetic reality, but I have to figure it out. I have to have something besides football.
The line is silent, and Ryder’s face burns in the back of my mind. The truth is, I don’t deserve her. Not even a little. I’ve been trying to measure up to a man I’ll never be, and he wouldn’t want me to. None of this is what he would have wanted.
“Shit.” Nick’s somber tone hurts.
He waits, but when I don’t answer, his low voice returns.
“Maybe you need to quit hiding from the world and let them see you’re just like the rest of us. An imperfect guy who’s still trying to figure out how to live life.”
I sit up, knowing he’s right. At this point, I’ve got nothing to lose.
“I’m supposed to take that advice from you?” I ask, letting my emotional outburst settle.
“I’ve never pretended to not be a miserable asshole, but you’re not.
You’re too good a man to be anything like me.
So don’t give up. Give her time to come around and see what she’s missing.
In the meantime, take charge of your life and figure out what you want.
Let these jackasses finally understand who they’re really dealing with because it’s not your old man. ”
I’m not my dad, and it’s time to stop believing I need to be.
“It almost sounds like you have a little hope floating around in all that cynicism.”
“Shit, man.” He huffs a laugh. “Just make sure you kick ass this weekend. For you, not anyone else.”
We hang up, and I lie back on my bed again, staring at the ceiling.
Give her time.
That’s what I’m doing, but at the moment, it doesn’t seem to be changing anything. So, for now, I have to get back to football, but on my terms.
I just have to figure out what those are and how to build a life to match them.