Chapter Six
ITHOUGHT I KNEW how today would go, once I had the message from Caroline.
I thought we’d meet for coffee, chat a little, and that would be that, no matter how much I would have liked something more.
Another date, another something. I liked her company, and I adored how cute she became when she was out of her depth, something I was realising happened more often than I’d noticed in the past. Just the noise level in the coffee shop had seemed to crush her spirit, and she seemed to be shrinking into herself a little more every second.
This was the woman I was interested in? Someone who absolutely wouldn’t like anyone I know, or want to be around the clubhouse, or any gatherings?
Just Rocket had been too much for her, and he wasn’t the loudest or the most obnoxious.
For the record, Stag held that honour, and he wasn’t alone in that. Plenty of them were mouthy fuckers.
Still, her accidental admission… the fact that she was a virgin…
that had my attention. It wasn’t so much a creepy thing, like how much I wanted to break in the sweet little untouched thing.
That wasn’t my way. Even thinking it that way had me feeling uneasy.
No. It was more about the fact that she was struggling with so much, but she trusted me.
She trusted me to be near her. To touch her.
She trusted me with what was probably a well kept secret, or not, the way she accidentally blurted things when she was flustered.
I knew I respected her for it. For the fact that she’d held onto something that so many throw away with the wrong person.
Hell. I did, and I was still paying the price.
“Caroline?”
She made a distressed sound, and didn’t move her hands, but I needed to see her, and I needed her to see me even more.
“Can you please look at me, little lady? I’m nobody to fear, remember?”
“I’m too embarrassed,” she mumbled through her hands, and I really felt for her. I could see how she might be mortified, but I really wanted to soothe that for her. To make her realise she shouldn’t be hiding from me.
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Caroline. Quite the opposite.”
She seemed to stop breathing for a moment, and I figured she was listening at least, so I continued.
“So many people rush into that, and that means they rush into things they should take time to do right.”
Her fingers parted, and she stared adorably through them, and that made me want to do more to comfort her. I wished I could touch her, or hold her, but this wasn’t the moment to risk disturbing her even more.
“There’s a right way?”
I grinned at her, wondering if her decision to start looking at me was a good sign, and if she’d finally stop hiding from me.
“Yes, little lady, there is. I didn’t get it right myself, and I have regrets, but also good things came from it, so I can’t really complain.
You though, you can make the right choice, the right person.
It can be special, not rushed. It can be with someone who understands you as a person, and vice versa. ”
She lowered her hands, staring at her trembling fingers, my eyes narrowing in on her left thumb, which looked almost raw, reddened, and had to be painful.
I pointed at it, without touching her. “That looks sore. What happened?” She clenched both hands, pulling them away and out of sight.
Okay. Another nerve touched. Another issue raised that made her uncomfortable.
Maybe I was just fucking things up here.
It was good the way it was, right? We chatted, we laughed, we enjoyed her visits. Why was I suddenly pushing for more?
“Maybe this was a bad idea. Do you want me to leave?”
Caroline gasped, shaking her head vehemently, those dark curls flicking back and forth like they just had to join in.
“I told you I make things weird,” she finally whispered, looking literally everywhere except at me.
I’d noticed before that eye contact was a struggle for her sometimes.
Not usually when she first walked into my shop, but it often became an issue the longer she was around me.
So she started comfortable, and became less so around me? That couldn’t be good.
“You don’t. You really don’t, but I’m worrying that I’m pushing you out of a comfort zone I don’t fully understand. I want to, though.”
“You wouldn’t get it. Nobody does.”
“Try me.” It wasn’t a challenge, far from it, probably closer to a plea at this point.
Her eyes lifted from the table surface, finally settling back on mine. They were a warm brown, which actually kind of brought to mind the idea of coffee, and chocolate, and more things that tasted so good, it made me want to get closer to her.
“Caroline, please.”
She blinked nervously at me, her eyes darting away now and then, like she didn’t know if she could even maintain eye contact while she explained. If she explained at all.
“I…I get overwhelmed easily… uh, sounds, sounds can really take up all my brain-space, until they’re all I can… and they push away everything else. They make it hard to even move, to escape from it, because they’re all there is.”
Damn.
“That sounds terrifying,” I said honestly, nodding at her to continue.
“I don’t know… I don’t like being around people much.
They’re too unpredictable. They… they don’t have inhibitions like me.
They think it’s okay to get close, to be loud, to…
to smell like unfamiliar things, or or… or…
to t-touch me. I don’t mean in a pervy way, but that’s terrifying too.
Just a… some people insist on hugs and I’m really…
” she trailed off, swallowing hard, “I really don’t like hugs, and what kind of weirdo does that make me? Everyone likes them, right?”
I reached out to her, placing my hand palm up on the table, like I wanted an open door for her to touch on her own terms, and she didn’t hesitate, placing hers in mine immediately, maybe because it’d give her strength, or calm the other things around her. I had no idea.
“It’s okay to struggle with stuff, little lady.
It’s okay that you don’t like hugs. Many people don’t.
Some people tolerate them because they think they’re expected, but you know what?
Even I’m not keen on them. I think it’s like some universal fucking secret that people all hate them, but put up with them, because they think it’s normal. What the fuck is normal anyway, right?”
I saw a little smile appear on her face, and her breathing had calmed down a little again.
When she’d been trying to explain herself, it had sped up, becoming raspy and panicked.
I didn’t know if it was the subject matter, or my potential reaction to it, that had her so on edge, but I wanted to see the relaxed version of her I saw most times.
“You know something? I’m impressed by you, Caroline. You should be proud of who you are and what you achieve.”
“I’m useless! I’m scared of everything, I’m overwhelmed by everything, and…
and all I want is to be normal. To be able to talk properly.
To walk into a busy space, and not immediately feel like I’ll die just from how noisy and full it is.
I want to… I want to like hugs and things. I want to be a proper person.”
Fuck me. How could one person crush my entire fucking heart with one statement?
She didn’t feel like a proper person, because she felt differently about some things that really didn’t matter at all?
She mattered, but I had a feeling proving that to her was going to be impossible. Didn’t say I wasn’t gonna try though.
Caroline
HOW WASN’T HE LAUGHING at me? Why wasn’t he getting up and walking away because I was… difficult. That was the word that had been thrown at me over the years. At twenty-seven, I was socially awkward, unable to cope with things most people effortlessly did every day, and I was tired. Just so tired.
“I don’t swear,” I said quietly, and Harley lifted an eyebrow at me.
“Ever?”
“Have you ever heard me do it?” His eyes seemed to grow distant, like he was literally replaying our previous interactions.
“No. I don’t think I have. That’s actually pretty impressive. It’s so easy to just litter conversations without even thinking. I probably swear too much.”
He kept using the word impressive, and I wanted to throw the line from The Princess Bride at him. That maybe it didn’t mean what he thought it did, because nothing about me was impressive. It was pathetic. Embarrassing. Weak. I was. I was all those damn things.
Harley never seemed to judge me, or act like there was something wrong with me. Why didn’t he see what I could see? That I was too awkward for normal social interactions?
“You wanna know something I haven’t told anyone? I feel like sharing something deep about me might help take the pressure off you a bit. Not that I’m adding any, but I know everything around us adds some.”
I sipped my mocha and nodded, wondering what he could possibly tell me that would even compare to my nightmare life.
“I’ve got a daughter.”
That was the last thing I’d expected to hear from him. I thought it’d be motorcycle related, or maybe feelings related, but that was huge.
“Oh wow, really?”
He rested his free hand around his coffee, but he was still holding mine with the other, and I liked that. It felt safe.
“Yeah. The whole rushing into it thing. That’s what I’m saying.
Waiting for the right person and the right time is something I wish most of us had, but it’s the one thing most people rush right into.
I was sixteen, my girlfriend was sixteen, and we didn’t get it right.
As a result, I have a daughter who’s seventeen now, and fuck, I hope she makes better life choices than I did. ”
A practically adult daughter! Actually that was a relief, because the idea of having to be around a child was just as terrifying as literally everything else in life.
“Do… does she live with you?”
He shook his head. “I see her a few times a year, holidays and stuff, but I guess that’ll be less common now she’s practically an adult herself.
She’s great. Her name’s Leah, and she’s, well, I wouldn’t do things differently for the world, because I couldn’t imagine her not existing, but…
” he trailed off, glancing around us uneasily, “literally nobody in my life knows about her, and I’d prefer it stay that way.
She’s… I don’t want her around people like Rocket, you know? ”
It was odd that he singled out the very man he seemed to be going into business with, wasn’t it?
“He’s a predator?”
Harley shrugged, finally shaking his head. “No. Probably not, but I want better for her than someone like me. I’m not ashamed of who I am, but guys like me, we’re not exactly a catch.”
“You don’t think of yourself as a catch?”
He laughed, dragging a hand through his brown hair, and how did he look so hot doing that?
“I mean, I’m a single father, who spends all day on motorcycle related activities, so I get that it’s not what many women are looking for.”
“You’re a man who has his own business, which he’s the best at, and he has a daughter he loves, despite being so young when she was born. Nothing about that should be seen as points against you.”
Harley squeezed my hand gently. “See? You can converse with me easily when you stop worrying about what to say. And maybe one day I’ll believe you about that, but today’s not that day. How’s your coffee?”
I blinked at the sudden subject change, and sipped it again, offering him a smile. I saw what he was doing. Keeping me focused on talking, but in a way that didn’t give me time to overthink or stress.
“It was working so well, but I just slipped again,” I said sheepishly. Harley suddenly flinched, and burst out laughing.
“What’s up?” He was reaching into his jeans pocket, leaning back in his seat to drag his phone out.
“Put it on vibrate so it wouldn’t interrupt us. That was an epic fail, huh?”
He read something on the screen and groaned. “Oh great. Episode two hundred of the Rocket and Grease show.”
I shrugged at him as he gulped the last of his coffee and set his mug down.
“Wanna see something funny?”
I hesitated and he smiled. “Grown men acting like babies? You can stand by the door so you don’t get overwhelmed.”
I finished my coffee, which had cooled down pretty fast while we talked, and stood up.
“Sure, why not. I’m due another panic attack this afternoon.”
Harley grabbed my hand and tugged me closer to him, forcing me to lift my head to see his face, instead of his chest.
“I promise you’ll be safe, okay? If it gets too much, I won’t mind if you leg it. It’s just… it’s hilarious when these two are going at it.”