Chapter 21
“Hi!” Indie’s voice is high-pitched and excited as she comes clumping into our flat late on Sunday afternoon with three big bags in tow.
“Indie! I’ve missed you, darling!” I get up and run to hug her, knowing I’m being dramatic but practically bursting to talk to her.
I dropped Tanner off at his flat over three hours ago and I haven’t sat down once. I even popped in a workout DVD and lasted ten whole minutes before bailing ship and grabbing a chocolate. The bitch in the video kept saying, “I’m going to make you earn this!”
I showed her when I stuffed three chocolates into my mouth. But hell, I needed something to try to distract my thoughts until Indie got home.
Indie drops all her stuff at the bottom of the stairs while I pop into the kitchen for a couple of waters. I hand one to her as she tucks up on the sofa.
“How was the Bethnal match? I saw they lost.”
“Yeah, it was awful. Mendes twisted his ankle. He heard it pop and the X-ray showed torn cartilage. He’s probably out for a few weeks.”
“Oh, fuck me.” I wince. “Did you do the exam?”
“Yes, Dr. Nabours was tending to DeWalt.”
“Did he get hurt, too?”
“No, they think he was dehydrated. He’s a bit of a party boy. You could look at him and know why. He looks like Shemar Moore and has moves like Beckham. He’s in the muck with Vaughn big time.”
“Oh, that still sucks.”
“Yeah, but enough about me and my work. I’m dying to hear about you. Tell me everything. I can’t believe you went to Manchester with Tanner! How did it go?”
I exhale heavily. “It went!” I force a toothy grin.
Her brown eyes are wide and waiting. “I don’t know, Indie.
It was bloody perfect. It was fun. I got to hang out with Gareth and Cam for a bit and they were so great.
Tanner was surprising, yet still so…Tanner.
And…ugh!” I throw my head back in frustration and cover my face with my arm.
“Why are you ughing?” Indie pries.
“Because it’s Tanner! And he’s Tanner and he’s a pig and he’s a whore, and one second he makes me so happy and then the next second he makes me so furious!”
“What did he do to piss you off?”
“He got all awkward at the end! Things were so great. Friday night was incredible. Saturday was amazing, but then Saturday night he just…flipped a switch. He wouldn’t even pick a fight with me like he normally does. He did a complete one-eighty.”
“Did something happen?”
I shrug. “He was with me the whole time. Nothing happened. I think I’m maybe…confusing drama with happiness maybe.”
“Oh, don’t say that,” Indie chastises. “Drama is passion, and passion in a footballer is second nature!”
“But why the change in script? I mean, I know what we’re doing is fake, but I thought we were both sort of enjoying this ride together.” I take a big drink of my water, attempting to cool down the anxiety pooling in my belly.
“What do you want to happen with you guys?” she asks, eyeing me thoughtfully.
“I don’t know. I guess I want to keep doing what we’re doing. The sex is incredible. I laugh so much. Yeah we quarrel, but it doesn’t seem to bother either of us. I don’t want serious, and I don’t think that’s what Tanner wants either. I just thought we could keep having fun and see what happens.”
Out of nowhere, tears prick the backs of my eyes and fall down my cheeks like they are operating on their own free will. I point to my face, a look of complete and utter horror. “Look at this shit! I’m ridiculous. Tanner Harris has made me utterly ridiculous.”
Indie giggles, “You’re not ridiculous.”
“My mother would say, ‘Come now, Belle, don’t turn the taps on again.’” I sniff once and swipe at my cheeks.
“Your mother is a cold, unfeeling cow,” Indie states deadpan.
“Bravo!” I exclaim with a smile. Indie being riled up is exactly what I need.
She baulks, “Well, since when did we start living our lives by her standards?”
“Since never.” I hold my bottle of water out to Indie for a cheers. She returns it with a bit of a scowl, still brooding over everything I’ve said.
She looks deeply into my eyes. “Belle, you’re a strong, confident doctor. You have the world by the balls. Don’t let Tanner’s stupidity make you crumble. He’s probably just sorting things out in his head. I’m sure he’s feeling the same way you are. You’re fabulous.”
I sigh. “I feel very unfabulous today. Perhaps it’s those three chocolates I ate while watching Jillian Michaels scream at me to move.” I prop my feet on the coffee table and ask, “What are you doing tonight? Maybe we can go see a film or rent something stupid and order in?”
Her face falls. “Well, I’m erm…heading out to Chigwell for Sunday dinner as soon as Camden gets here to pick me up.”
“What’s Sunday dinner?”
“Vi cooks at Vaughn’s house. All the boys come home for it. Even Gareth when he can manage.”
Hot shards of irritation course through me.
“Do you want to come?” Indie asks, looking horribly uncomfortable.
“Are you kidding?” I exclaim. “To a family dinner at the Harris’ house? That sounds about as fun as a dead vibrator.”
Indie eyes me with concern. “You look hurt.”
“I’m not hurt!” I snap, standing up and suppressing my grimace. “I’m just going to grab a bottle of wine and have a nice long bath. It’ll be the perfect night.”
“I’d really love it if you’d come with me.”
“Indie, will you just go?” My voice is harsher than I intended. “I have a big surgery this week I need to study for anyway.”
“Okay, but I really—”
“Go!”
And after hearing the slow click of the door to our flat, I let my faucets run.
“You’re an idiot,” Indie snipes, waltzing into Dad’s kitchen and whacking me upside the head.
“Ouch! What the bloody hell for this time?” I rub the spot where she cracked me, smarting over how such a tiny person can hit so hard.
“You couldn’t think to invite Belle to dinner tonight?” She throws her hands on her hips, looking scarily like Vi.
“Tanner!” Vi exclaims, pulling a roasted chicken out of the oven and setting it down. She rubs her belly in small circles like she’s trying to soothe the baby inside of her. “What’s wrong with you?”
My eyes fly wide as I look back and forth between the two of them. “Why would I invite her?”
“Because you two are dating!” Indie replies.
“Fake dating!” I exclaim, my voice raising to a strange pitch in response to the urgency in her face.
“But you knew I’d come with Camden and she’d be home alone. It’s mean, Tanner.” Indie’s face is softer now, which only makes me feel worse.
“So mean,” Vi punctuates.
They are like a couple of footballers practicing their passing game.
I slide a hand through my hair. “How is it mean? I’ve just spent the whole weekend with her.”
“So what’s another meal?” Indie asks.
“She doesn’t need to come witness all of this.” I gesture out through the patio door to the garden where Gareth, Booker, and Hayden are standing.
Gareth actually made better time getting to London than Belle and I did today. Taking the train with him would have been a lot easier than the awkward silence in Belle’s car during our journey back, that’s for sure.
“Just look at them!” I exclaim. Gareth currently has Booker’s shirt pulled over his head and has him gripped in a headlock. Hayden is standing off to the side laughing his arse off and tossing a stick for Vi’s dog, Bruce.
Indie’s eyes fill with disappointment and it guts me almost as badly as Vi’s. She turns to walk away.
“Indie…” I move to stand up, but she waves her hand like she can’t hear another word and goes to join the guys outside.
Camden shifts awkwardly in the doorway.
“You had nothing to say there?” I ask.
His eyes fly wide. “What was I going to do?”
“Defend me! Tell your woman what this is between Belle and me. I told Indie not to get any bright ideas. She’s so bloody soft.”
Cam shakes his head. “Belle’s awesome. You’re an arse.” And then he leaves me, too.
Vi frowns at me and, without another word, walks outside to join everyone else.
“Well, what the fuck?” I mumble to myself.
Dad comes striding in next from somewhere outside. “What did you do this time, Tanner? Indie looks like she’s about to release the red-headed kraken.” He laughs at his stupid joke.
“Dad, I did nothing! Literally nothing! I didn’t invite Belle out here for dinner and now that makes me the worst kind of human. What the bloody hell? This is a fake relationship. It’s not real. Everybody needs to get that through their stubborn skulls.”
I reach out and pluck an apple from the fruit basket on the counter, shoving a frustrated finger into it until it bruises. It makes me feel better.
He looks at me and shakes his head. “Who are you trying to convince, Tan?”
I pound the apple on the counter. “What do you mean?”
His eyes grow wide. “I’ve seen the coverage of you two.
Santino sends me everything. It doesn’t look fake.
It looks…natural. It reminds me of…” He pauses and swallows hard.
“It reminds me of how I looked at your mother when we first started dating. And well, you see how that turned out.” He looks out at Gareth like he has “whoopsie child” printed on his forehead.
The words strike me straight through the heart. Dad rarely talks about Mum and the one time he does, he compares her to Belle? I can’t take it. I’m going to explode.
“Would everyone just give me some space?” I mumble and stand to head upstairs to the room I lived in when things were simple…when Booker, Camden, and I all played on the same team and football was all that mattered.
As I walk in, everything suddenly feels different.
The bed looks smaller. The area seems tighter.
Even my furniture seems to have aged tremendously.
I glance down inside my trousers to ensure that my fucking cock hasn’t shrunk back into the prepubescent stage.
I exhale a sigh of relief to see it’s still at its adult glory.
However, that realisation doesn’t bring me peace. It just makes the fact that I’ve changed all the more obvious. I’m no longer the person I used to be. I can see that now. And the guilt that Vi and Indie were projecting on me hits me like a ton of bricks.
I didn’t invite Belle here because I thought nothing had changed between us. But, looking around right now, I realise that everything has changed. Even my bloody bedroom.
It wasn’t long ago that I still lived here.
Camden was in his room across from me. Booker was down the hall.
We all stayed here for longer than normal as grown men because football and family was all we allowed into our lives.
It consumed us so much that we became codependent on it and each other, not allowing anything else to penetrate that force field.
Well, Belle’s penetrated it. Hard. And no matter how much I enjoy penetration, this is a different kind of balls deep than I’m used to.
As much as that thought scares me…as much as I want to fight it, the idea of losing her scares me, too.