Chapter 21 #2
“So, what is this between us?” I ask, my mind reeling with what else this could be if it’s more than friends but not love. “Is this just sex because I’m your flatmate and convenient?”
“No!” he snaps.
My chest heaves with a hysteric bubble of laughter as I prop myself on my knees and fist my hands in my lap, doing everything I can to contain the rage billowing up inside of me. “Then how can you look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me? We’re best fucking friends!”
“Because I still don’t know if I can trust you, Poppy!
” he roars, turning and dropping his hands on the bed so he’s eye level with me.
His face is mean and accusatory, staring at me like I’ve betrayed him all over again.
“You buggered off to Germany without even thinking about me, like I was an inconvenient afterthought that showed up on your doorstep. You weren’t even going to say goodbye! ”
“Because I was heartbroken!” I scream back, scurrying away from his penetrative eyes and sliding off the bed so we’re standing on opposite sides.
I suck in big gulps of air as six years of pent-up history and hurt boil out of me like a hot tea kettle.
How dare he look at me like I was the only one to do the hurting.
How dare he act like I’m the one who can’t be trusted.
How dare he! “I was crushed because you took Sidney bloody Carmichael to the woods. Our woods! Our special place. The place where we grew up together. The place where…The place where…” I pause, nerves choking my voice box.
“Sod it, the place where I fell in love with you! You sure as hell had no problem telling her you loved her right before you fucked her. Is she related to you, Booker? Is that why it’s okay to love her but not me? ”
“What the bloody hell are you talking about?” His voice booms in a manic outburst.
“I saw you guys that night after A-Levels before Giles Windsor’s party. She said she loved you and you said it back.” I feel like a child, but I can’t help it. Speaking about it out loud makes it feel as real and as horrid as the day I witnessed it.
“That’s not possible.” He’s shaking his head adamantly.
“It looked really bloody possible from where I was standing.” My lips curl in disgust at the memory. “Those woods, Booker. That place. It’s ours. Not hers. Why did you take her there of all the places?”
“I don’t know!” he exclaims, shoving a hand through his hair as he racks his brain for some recollection of the evening that I can recall in perfect clarity.
“I didn’t think. She wouldn’t shut up about wanting to see the woods, and I was fucking eighteen years old and wanted to get laid, Poppy.
My brothers were probably home and I thought it would be some place private. ”
“A private place for you to tell Sidney Carmichael that you loved her,” I state, voicing the real issue at hand.
“No!” he roars. “I never told her I loved her. I’ve never said that to anyone, Poppy. No one. Only my family.”
I shake my head in disbelief. My voice silent as I think back to that night and what I think I saw.
Maybe I didn’t stick around long enough to hear the words, but he crushed everything I held most precious about our history.
Our childhood. Our youth. My voice is softer as I reply, “It was still our spot, Booker. Did growing up there with me feel so utterly inconsequential that you didn’t think twice before taking her out there to shag? ”
“Jesus, fuck.” He pins me with a serious glower. “I’m sorry, all right? I did a lot of stupid things when I was younger. And I had no idea you were in love with me!” he bites. The words look like they are difficult for him to say, even as a repeat.
“It shouldn’t have mattered,” I reply firmly. “That fallen tree was mine. I was there long before you ever were. And you took her there and broke my heart and ruined that fucking place for me forever.”
He laughs, his eyes wide as he shakes his head back and forth, clearly at a loss. “So, you’ve kept this secret all this time? All these years? Is that why you left for Germany?”
“Yes,” I swallow, not caring anymore how pathetic it makes me look.
“Because you developed feelings for me?” His jaw is tense with his denial.
“Because I loved you!” I scream, wanting to own up to all of it and not let him off easy. “Don’t cheapen what I felt, Booker. I just unloaded a six-year burden and it feels bloody good to be shot of it, especially when I know it means nothing to you.”
“It doesn’t mean nothing. I just…I can’t reciprocate it.” He scrubs his hands over his face as he adds, “I’ve seen the havoc love can wreak and I don’t want that, Poppy. The pleasure of love lasts a moment, but the pain of losing it lasts a lifetime.”
“Then what are you doing with me?” I cry, my voice rising with thick emotion bubbling up inside of me.
“I don’t know,” he stammers. “I’m just trying I guess. I thought you were okay with that!”
“It’s not enough,” I croak.
“Why? Why the pressure so fast? Why do I have to feel a certain way right this second?” His voice is nearly begging.
“Because I’m fucking pregnant, Booker,” I nearly sob.
He inhales sharply. “What?”
“I’m pregnant,” I repeat, all emotion evaporating from my body.
“No,” he whispers, his eyes searching all over the room for an escape.
“Yes.”
“No.”
“Yes!” I cry. “But don’t worry. I won’t expect anything from you.”
“What does that mean?” he snaps.
I exhale heavily, the knowing words tumbling out of me with ease. “It means I’ll do this on my own because I refuse to trap you in something you don’t want, and I refuse to trap myself in another loveless life with you.”
“You said we would never stop being friends.” His eyes are wide and angry. “You said in time we’d be Booker and Poppy again, no matter what.”
“I lied.” I say simply with a shrug. “I lied because I’ve been in love with you most of my bloody life and I thought this was my dream coming true.
” I sniff back a sob that wants to escape, refusing to give myself over to it in front of him.
“Now I see it’s my worst nightmare. I’ve been teased with what we could have, and it’s all for nothing because you can’t love me.
I wish I’d never had a taste of this at all. ”
When I move to leave, he slams his hand on the doorframe to stop me. The wood cracks from the force. “It’s been two bloody weeks, Poppy. I need more…time. This is all happening so fast!” He grabs the top of his head, hysteria taking over.
The old me wants to comfort him and let him use me in whatever way he’s emotionally capable of. But the new me knows I’m stronger than that. And I deserve better. They are simply words, but they are probably the most important words a person can ever hear.
“You’ve had a lifetime to fall in love with me. If it was going to happen, it would have by now.” With those final words, my heart begins to break, splitting down the middle like a crack in pavement. Hardening with the exposure to the elements around me. “I have to go.”
“You said you wouldn’t leave!” he shouts, wrapping me up in a strong hold and binding my arms down.
His exquisite firmness sends treacherous shivers up my spine.
Familiar shivers that know his touch and trust it so much that I want him even in this state.
I look up at him for a moment, fire burning the backs of my eyes as I take in his face.
It’s likely the last time I’ll ever be this close to him.
His rapid heartbeat in his chest. His heavy breaths.
His lust-filled eyes even in the throes of a fight.
I’ll never have any of this with him again.
I’m in love with my best friend…
…and this is where we end.
“I’m leaving, Booker, and you’re going to let me because you know better than anyone how awful it feels to be second choice.”
My words penetrate his frenzy and his arms drop, releasing me as he steps away from the doorway.
I immediately dash into my room to throw on some pants and then storm down the hallway to leave.
Without a look back, I walk out of his room, out of his flat, out of his building, and out of my best friend’s life… again.