Chapter 10 #4
Dad replies slowly, “I never said I’m an expert, but I think I know a thing or two about enduring hardship.”
“You know sod all about enduring anything. You buried your head in the sand the entire time!” I push back from the table and begin pacing as I take in the faces of my siblings, who all look shocked and afraid.
They’re the same faces they had when they were little and Dad yelled at them because he didn’t know what to do with his grief.
The same faces I tried to hide from him so he couldn’t hurt them the way he hurt me on a regular basis.
I point an accusing finger at all of them.
“You’re all hanging on his every word because you think what we lived through was normal.
But that’s only because none of you remember what it was like when Mum was alive.
I remember those days all too well, and they were a million fucking times better than the life we had. ”
“Gareth,” Booker says softly, shooting me those eyes of his that I can so easily picture on him as a toddler, asking me for a snack, or a toy, or a drink, or a nappy change. “It wasn’t all bad.”
“Do you know who changed your nappies after Mum died, Booker?” I ask, propping my hands on my hips as I await his answer.
He tugs on his earlobe and shakes his head.
“Vi did,” I reply, then move my eyes to Camden and Tanner. “Ask Vi how old she was when she was changing her baby brother’s nappies.”
“Stop, Gareth,” Camden begs softly, his eyes downcast as Indie reaches over and takes hold of his hand.
“She was four. Fucking four years old and barely strong enough to hold Booker in her arms let alone wipe his arse. And I was busy chasing you twins around the garden so you wouldn’t get too close to Dad and get us all in trouble, because all we had to do was look at Dad to piss him off back then.”
“Come now, Gareth,” Dad retorts. “Surely you can see I needed time.”
“Well, you got it! Years of it!” I exclaim, moving in toward him so we’re eye-to-eye.
He winces at the volume of my voice but holds his ground.
“Your grief started before Mum was even fucking dead, and none of them have a problem with it because they don’t remember how good it was before.
Family was the most important thing as long as Mum was healthy. ”
Dad exhales heavily and pins me with a pained stare. “Gareth, I’m sorry for my struggles with your mother’s illness, but that’s all in the past and I’d like to forget about it.”
“I can’t!” I cry out and jerk away from him like he’s just struck me with his fist across my face.
Vi leans forward in her chair, her eyes hurt and full of tears, but she’s frozen in place just like everyone else. I can feel my brothers reaching out to me with their minds, but they are unsure of what to do when solid, big brother Gareth has a fucking meltdown for a change.
I fork my hands through my hair, an ache radiating in my chest as I add, “Don’t you think I want nothing more than to forget how horrible you were to her?
I do my best to forget about it every Sunday night because I get to hop back on a train and keep my distance.
But now you want to come on this holiday and play happy family, and talk about Mum, and pretend that neglect and abuse never happened.
That’s complete rubbish and you know it. ”
“Gareth, that’s enough!” he roars, his eyes turning back into the harsh robot I’m far more familiar with.
“Dad, stop,” Tanner states in a deep, warning tone as he stands up and splays his hands out on the table. Belle stares up at him, surprised by this very rare display of gravity from Tanner. “If Gareth has something to say, I think we owe it to him to listen.”
Camden and Booker stand up in unison and Vi rises to her feet a few seconds later. All four of my siblings are now staring down our father with a united strength against him I’ve never truly seen before.
Pride.
Fucking magnanimous pride ripples through my entire body from their display of loyalty to me.
But it’s tainted because, even as they attempt to unite against him for me, I can see that they still love him. My siblings whom I raised love Dad unconditionally. Will that ever not hurt?
“I’ve said all I need to say,” I state and make a move to leave but stop myself to add one more very important thing.
Perhaps the most important thing of all.
“But, Dad, don’t you worry about Sloan. She’s strong as fuck and can do what she needs to do on her own.
But you can guarantee that if she does need someone, I will drop everything and be there for her just like I was for Mum and just like I am for them. ”
I point to my siblings and feel their eyes watching me with fear over what I might do next. And for a brief second, I feel myself turning into my father. Overbearing, intimidating, unrelenting. The same angry, resentful, monster he was for so many years.
But I can’t pretend this is all okay and normal. I refuse to watch him hold the woman I care about in his arms, as well as the family I’ve spent my entire life protecting, and act like he knows how to be there for them.
He doesn’t.
I do.
I always have.