Chapter 9
He would have avoided it if he could. But the time was here and now. He had a big job of explaining and making up to do. He had arrived to find her curled up on the floor. And had felt the stark fear striking through his heart.
Whatever it takes, he had to be there for her. He was going to have to find a way to deal with his mess.
Taking her hand, he studied the long, elegant fingers with studied absorption before lifting his eyes to hers. A faint smile touched his lips as he noticed the expression on her face.
“I’m ridiculously in love with you.” It was said with such wonder that she had to hide a smile as joy burst fully inside her chest. “Something I never expected of course, considering my past.
And it was something I also tried to fight with every fiber of my being.” He shrugged. “I learned some things tonight, first when Davenport came to see me…,” he paused when she jerked in surprise. “You didn’t know.”
“Michael came to see you?” She blinked her large dark brown eyes.
“Yes. You really didn’t know.”
“No,” she stared at him curiously. “What did he want?”
“To chew my ass out for not being here for you.”
“I did not ask him to…”
“I know you didn’t.” Lifting her hand, he kissed the knuckles. “I just stopped myself from kicking him through the door.” His eyes twinkled. “But he was right. He called me a coward.”
She started. “Then he’s even braver than I thought.”
He grinned. “Or his love for you overrode his fear.” His expression sobered. “He told me you were ill and that I was basically a jerk for allowing you to go through all of it on your own.”
“He didn’t quite convince me. Then I had a visit from my mother.” He gazed off across the room, watching the shadows dancing on the silk water silk wallpaper, his face pensive. And she waited.
“She had quite a story.” His eyes met hers and she felt her stomach clenching at the bleak look on his face.
“You don’t have to…”
“No.” Lifting their joined hands, he kissed hers. “I need to say it. I need to explain to you why I am such a bloody mess. As you already suspected, my old man was part of twin brothers.” His mouth twisted. “Apparently, I was named for him – the brother.
The beloved brother who was very different in character. He was the nice one – the calm to my old man’s volatility.” He told her the entire story and she listened in horror.
“Oh God.” She whispered. “Oh, dear God. Your dad must have been destroyed. To love someone so much and then lose him like that – it’s positively dreadful.”
He stared at her, his mind clicking as he realized that she had lost both her parents at one go. “You can relate.”
“Something like that.” Tugging her hand from his, she used them to frame his face. “It still did not give him the right or was an excuse to take it out on you. You were a child and had nothing to do with what happened to your uncle. He was a monster, plain and simple.”
He felt his heart shattering. Even now, she was not condemning him. He had tucked his tail between his legs and run away and still she did not lash out. Christ! He did not deserve her.
“He’s in me.” He reminded her fiercely. “That monster is part of me, and I am so bloody afraid that it will come out and want to play when I’m with them.” His hand drifted to her bump and felt a quick jolt of his nervous system at the slight movement.
Placing her hand over his, she pressed lightly. “I have known you almost a year now and I have seen you upset, angry and cold as ice. I have seen you trying to outrun your demons. But the one thing I never see is a monster.
I see a man who is capable of loving a woman – me…!” She used her free hand to jab at her chest. “You love me. You are capable of love. I have witnessed it, and others have seen it. You came when I needed you most and you took charge.”
He held her eyes for a few ticking seconds, before bending to brush his lips against hers. His desire stirred, but he was determined to keep it in check. He was not a bloody animal after all.
“You have more confidence in me than I have in myself,” he said softly.
“I just want you to be involved.” I need you, darling.”
He felt a shudder going through his body at that and had to close his eyes and try and control his reactions.
“How about this?” He asked softly, opening his eyes. “We take this one step at a time.”
“Sounds good to me. What does that mean?”
“I want to go to your next appointment.” He took a deep breath. “Shep misses you and I think it is prudent for you to come and live with me at the pool house. Mother is dying to get the chance to take care of you. As you know, the chef is one of the best and he will see to it that you always have well-balanced meals.”
She cocked her head to look at him. “You want me to live with you?”
“Yes.” He moved restlessly. “The original arrangement.” He took another breath. “I’m heavily involved in this housing complex and like to show my face every now and again.” Lifting a hand, he pushed back the hairs from her face.
“I need to do some research on this doctor to make certain she’s as efficient and capable as she claims to be.”
“Harry…?”
“No., he shook his head. “I know it seems I am taking charge and am a little late in the game, but I want to do this. I need to do this. Will you let me?”
She couldn’t say no. She was still mulling over what he had told her and realized that it was going to take some time for them to work through their issues. But she was determined to be patient. He had lived without love for so long. Now that he was faced with it, he had no idea how to behave. She loved him enough to cut him some slack.
“She’s a very good doctor.”
“We’ll see. How do you feel?”
“Great.”
“Will you move in with me?”
“Will I have to pick up after you?”
“No more than usual.” He laughed as she rolled her eyes. And felt happiness bursting inside his chest.
“Yes.” She whispered, snuggling against him. “Yes.”
*****
Madelyn could not believe the anticipation she was feeling. He had called to let her know that he was bringing her. And he had spent the night. The entire night. When she called him last night, he told her the doctor was there, examining her. So, he was standing up to his responsibilities.
“Oh, my darling Harry who no longer was on earth. Twins.” She often spoke to the only man she had ever truly loved. But he had been just a boy. A seventeen-year-old boy frozen in time. The strong currents had taken a very sweet man and broken her heart. She had looked for similarities in Richard and found none.
Aside from the aching and astounding likeness, it had ended there. And Harry and her had been intimate. Richard had told her that he didn’t mind that his brother had been the first, but she realized later on that he had lied.
Or perhaps he had really believed it at the time.
“Ms. Madelyn?”
She turned to look at the housekeeper who was more than an employee. Rosie had been with her since before Harry was born and had been her comfort when things got really tough.
“Rosie, yes they’re on their way.”
The woman beamed and folded her tidy hands in front of her floral apron. “Should I make up a spare bedroom?”
She shook her head decisively. “He will not want to stay here.”
“The young miss is carrying two babies; she’s certainly going to need extra care.” And what Rosie did not add was that she was looking forward to lending that help.
“You know how delicate this situation is.” Madelyn looked around the lofty room, with its high beamed ceiling. It had been through multiple renovations, but there was something still gloomy about it.
She found herself wondering if it was the awful memories. Houses have a way of clinging to the ghosts of the past. “I told him everything.” There were no secrets kept from her housekeeper.
“The poor baby.” Rosie tsked sympathetically. “how did he take it?”
“It got him to get up and move. He went to her and that’s what matters. Twins!” She clapped her hands in glee. “Finally, something to look forward to. And this might just be the beginning of healing for my son.”
“The sounds of laughter in this old building.” Rosie’s smile was wide.
“I’m thinking of giving the place up.” She confided. “It’s not a happy place, never has been.”
“Where would you go?”
She shrugged elegant shoulders. “I haven’t decided yet.” She turned towards the window, her face lighting up.
“Should I get the door?” Rosie asked eagerly.
“I will get it.” Is everything ready in the blue salon?”
The woman nodded. “The entire staff is excited at the prospect of little feet padding around here. Jack made his special herbal soup. I told him how poorly she has been feeling.”
They both turned at the sound of footsteps on the wrap around porch. Clasping her hands in front of her, Rosie turned and hurried towards the blue salon to make certain that everything was as it should be.
Taking a deep breath, Madelyn went to tug open the heavy redwood doors and watched as her son guided the woman bearing his babies, across the wide porch.
“Mother.” A grin split his face as he placed a possessive arm around Janelle’s waist. “You already know Janelle.”
“Ms. McGibbon…”
“None of that nonsense.” With a wide smile, she stepped forward with outstretched hands. “Welcome my dear. Come on in out of the cold.”
Janelle clasped her hand and felt herself sagging in relief at the warm welcome which was so different from the first few times she had met the woman. But then again, she could not blame the woman for her reticence.
Considering that she was just a real estate agent, Madelyn had thought been concerned that she was after Harry for his money. She was going to be a parent soon, so the natural urge to be protective was already there.
“How are you feeling?”
“Wonderful. Your son has been doing a particularly good job of taking care of me.”
“Good to hear.” She looked up and saw when he hesitated just inside the doorway and realized that it was instinctive for him to do so. The place did not hold any fond memories for him.
“We just wanted to make sure she has some nourishment before you go to the pool house.” There was a pleading look on her face. “And I wanted to have the chance to spend some time with her. Rosie sent one of the maids over to do a thorough cleaning and change the linens.”
His laser blue eyes met hers and he felt himself softening. “Thanks.” He stepped over the threshold and removed his jacket, helping Janelle off with hers. “She had breakfast and didn’t disgrace herself by hurling…”
He grinned at the dirty look she threw him. Moving towards her, he caught her around the waist and pressed his lips to her forehead. “I’m not hungry, mother.” He murmured before looking down at Janelle. “I’ll leave you two alone while I go upstairs and get some things I need.” He cupped her face. “I won’t be long.”
“Take your time,” she urged, “I’ll be fine.”
*****
“Master Harry!” Rosie met him halfway across the wide hallway as he was about to head to the double doors leading to his suite. The housekeeper’s face was wreathed in a huge smile and there was a suspicious glint in her dark brown eyes. “I am full to bursting.”
“Rosie.” Reaching out a hand, he took her plump ones in his and pulled her in for a hug. She had been one of the people who had made things bearable for him. She had bandaged his scrapes and wiped his tears, telling him repeatedly that it was going to be fine. “You smell of cookies and vanilla as usual.”
She burst out laughing, hugging him tight and possessively around the waist. She only came to his chest, but her ample girth wrapped around him like a protective mother hen. She never had children of her own and had taken care of him like she had given birth to him.
She had seen him through his sufferings and felt rage at how his father treated him. But despite all that rough treatment, he still managed to be a wonderful young man.
Easing back, she tilted her head to study his gorgeous face. “She is a beautiful girl. And you will do right by her.”
“I am trying.” Lifting a hand, he touched her plump cheek. “You’re one of the few people who ever truly understood me.”
“Now you have that lovely girl who cradles your babies in her womb. Be good to her.”
“She won’t allow me to be anything but.” He lifted his head to gaze at the doors. “I need to collect some things.”
“It’s as it always was. I tidy up every now and then. I don’t trust the girls to go in there. Don’t want anyone pawing through your stuff.” Her homely face took on a fierceness that had him grinning. Bending from his lofty height, he kissed her full on the lips.
“Thanks Rosie.”
“I will go down and see that lady of yours. Go on then,” She watched fondly as he strode towards the doors and pushed them open.
Harry stepped into the past and felt his stomach jittering. Standing just inside the doorway, he let his eyes roved around the tidy sitting room with its chocolate brown leather sofas, the big screen television attached to the wall – the coffee table, the large fireplace, and the gleaming hardwood floors.
Stepping down, he walked through to his former bedroom and just stood there. It has gone through several major redecorations over the years.
Once when he was twelve and his mother had given into the plea for a much darker color scheme and then when he was sixteen and wanted something different. Then just before he left for college, he had gone crazy and decided on bold colors. Slashes of red, blue, and green with a spot of gold. He hadn’t spent much time here after that.
College and then university had been an escape for him. It was while he was on his last leg, he received the news that his old man had died of a heart attack. But he never came back here. And had renovated the pool house to suit his tastes.
Taking a deep breath, he stepped further into the room and smiled slightly as the scent of lemons assailed his nostrils. The wooden floor was gleaming and the bookcase with all of his classics and first editions were intact.
He wished he could spend the night here, share the past with Janelle. But staying here always suffocated him. He could not put her through any of it.
His trophies, an entire section of one wall had been dedicated to his achievements – ribbons, medals were all on display.
He had been very athletic, mostly because he had had to find an outlet for the anger inside him.
And he had participated in everything from lacrosse, hockey, football, swimming, and boxing. He had been on the debating team as well as the tennis team. He filled his life with activities so he could keep busy and not have to come home to misery.
Moving forward, he ran his hand over the smooth finish of the mantle and propped a booted foot on the rail. He had a woman downstairs who loved him to pieces. And he loved her to distraction. They were expecting twins - he closed his eyes and willed the panic to ease out of him. He couldn’t think about that – not now.
Not while he was in this place. If he did, the impotent rage would come tumbling through him and he would want to disappear. So, he would not think of it. He would suppress the memories and try and move on.
He had made a promise to her. He was going to stand up as a man and be there for her.
“It will be fine,” he muttered through gritted teeth. “You did not break me, you son of a bitch. I am here and I am going to be a man for her.” Stepping back from the fireplace, he closed his eyes and struggled for calm as his heart rapped sharply inside his chest. He would get the things and get the hell out of here.
With that in mind, he strode towards the dresser and started pulling out drawers.
*****
“These are delicious.” Janelle exclaimed as she bit into the wafer-thin biscuits. “They taste like honey.”
Rosie beamed at the compliment as she handed her a glass of milk.
“Oh, Rosie! I could not drink anything else. I am full.”
“I’m afraid Rosie is determined to mother you.” Madelyn told her with a smile as she sipped her own tea. “She did the same for me when I was carrying Harry.” The subtle inclination of her head had Rosie leaving the room and closing the doors behind her.
“He’s told you everything.”
Getting right to the meat of it, Janelle realized as she put the cup down and settled back against the soft cushions. The room was lovely with its view of the garden and lush green lawns despite the icy cold of the season.
A stone arbor had flowers and vines climbing all over it and was very appealing to the eyes. Harry told her how much he hated coming here – back to the scene of the crime as he called it.
“Most of it. I have a feeling he left some things out.” She clasped her hands in her lap and tried to tamp down the anger. “You didn’t do anything to stop it.”
The delicate cup shook slightly in her unsteady hands, and she had to put it down…,
“Does he hate me?”
Janelle was surprised at the pitiful sound in the woman’s voice. Madelyn McGibbon always struck her as strong and indomitable. But being a parent or even loving someone makes one vulnerable.
“No. he does not.”
The woman firmed her lips and stared off at a painting with violent streaks of red and blue an splashes of orange. It was a Jackson Colby original and for some reason, it always managed to calm her spirit.
“I felt guilty, and I was afraid. I loved his uncle Harry, you see, continued to love him even after he died and for years later when I married Richard. My husband knew it. There have always been the shadow of his death hanging around us. We both loved him to distraction and thought we could find a bond with each other.”
She sighed and picked up her tea in hands not quite steady. “It was a mistake, and Richard took out his anger and grief on an innocent boy. His own son. He threatened to take Harry away from me.”
“It was his idea to name him after his brother.”
Madelyn nodded, grief stark in her eyes. “And it was a constant reminder of what he had lost.” She firmed her lips. “You make him happy, my dear and for that I am so grateful. You steady him, temper some of the anger that lives inside him.”
“I wonder if that’s enough.” Janelle smiled wistfully. “I know he loves me, and I can’t do anything but love him. But I wonder if it will ever be enough.”
“It has to be.”
They both jolted at the sound of the deep voice just inside the doorway. They had been so intent on the conversation, the sound of the doors opening had escaped their attention.
“Bobby…!“ She started to rise, when he strode across the room to sit on the arm of the sofa, his hand pressing her back down.
“I’m fine.”
Tilting her head, she studied his face closely and saw the strain. “I think I’m ready to retire for the night.” Taking his hand, she looked over at Madelyn. “Thanks for the refreshment.”