20. Grace
20
GRACE
I stretched awake, feeling something hard against my body—against my hand, in particular. I didn’t move, my eyes flying open as I registered what I was actually touching.
The good news—or maybe bad—was Brian was fully clothed, except his shirt was open, and the sexy V that disappeared below his belt led to a very impressive erection.
I slowly moved my hand off his dick as I glanced at Brian, who was sleeping soundly. I was itching to drag my fingers over his unshaven jaw and through his unruly hair and to kiss him, but I didn’t want to disturb him.
Not only that, I was half-naked. I wasn’t embarrassed, but I wasn't ready for him to see me. Oh, God. My scars.
I was about to climb out of bed when he whispered, “Don’t go.”
“You’re awake,” I said for nothing more than to shake off my nerves. “How long?”
He smirked. “Long enough to feel you.”
I playfully swatted at his chest. “I’m sorry. I just woke up and found?—”
“Your hand on my erection,” he finished for me.
My cheeks burned. “And I’m not wearing a bra.” I didn’t have a change of clothes with me or one of the T-shirts I usually slept in, and I hated wearing a bra to bed.
“I’m well aware,” he said in a gravelly voice, sounding as sexy as hell.
“I should go. It’s six, and I—” I stopped myself. It was Friday, and I had to think for a second if I had to work, but I didn’t until tomorrow night.
“Stay and have breakfast with Fran and me,” he said, rubbing my back.
I briefly closed my eyes, relishing in the soothing feeling until I dug my hands into his chest and sat up.
His gaze instantly dropped to my bare breasts. “What’s wrong? If you’re embarrassed about your scars, don’t be.”
I covered my chest with my hands. “I am. Very few people have seen them, and each one freaked out.”
His eyes met mine. “I’m not your brothers. Do you see me reacting?”
“That’s because you’re more interested in my breasts.” There was a lightness in my tone.
A boyish smirk plastered his face. “They are beautiful, but don’t put words into my mouth. Every inch of you is beautiful, baby girl, scars and all.”
I grabbed a pillow and used it to cover my chest. I couldn’t talk to him while I was naked.
“I thought you wanted to take me to dinner, not bed.”
“You had a night terror. I called Dillon, and he told me to lie next to you, that it would help. Do you remember?”
“No. Please tell me I didn’t do something like sleepwalk.” I hugged the pillow, although I would rather have my arms around Brian, feeling safe and protected. But that would only lead to sex, and while that excited me and terrified me at the same time, I wanted to hear what he’d seen.
He sat up and rested against the headboard. “Come here.” He opened his arm.
“I would prefer not to. Tell me,” I said. Andie had witnessed the brunt of my night terrors, and Dillon and Maggie had as well.
“I got you, baby girl. No judgement.”
I licked my lips. “I’m good where I am.”
“Duke once told me about your nightmares but never night terrors. What triggers them?”
I shuddered. “Dillon and Maggie didn’t share everything with Duke, and you probably can imagine why.”
“Because he would lose it,” Brian said.
“Anyway, sometimes the terrors come out of nowhere, and other times they’re a result of…” I couldn’t bring myself to tell him.
I really didn’t want to have this conversation either. Except for my brief panic attack last night, I’d had a great time at the banquet, and I wanted to leave it on that note.
“You don’t have to talk about it. It has to be difficult to forget your past. I tried to forget mine before I met your brother, but sometimes it haunts me, especially in my dreams.”
Curiosity stung me. “I’m listening.”
I knew a lot about Brian, but we’d never had a deep conversation about his life. Fran had told me bits and pieces from when Brian finally opened up to her about why and how he’d ended up running an illegal drug empire. His reasons for falling into the seedy underworld were similar to Duke’s. They’d left home because of alcoholic fathers and chased money and power. Plus, they were good at it.
He searched my face, his internal debate evident in his stare.
Silence tethered us together, broken only by a car engine outside the window.
His chest rose as his Adam’s apple bobbed. “I’ve never told a soul this, not even Duke.”
My eyebrows flew toward my hairline, but I didn’t say a word, afraid if I did, he wouldn’t share. I was stymied at his admission that he hadn’t confided in Duke. He didn’t keep secrets from Duke. His words, not mine.
“You know the guilt Duke has for not being more present in your life when you were sixteen? I live with guilt too. I had a baby sister, Sarah. She had blond curls, hazel eyes, and the prettiest smile I’d ever seen.” His gaze drifted to his lap.
He had a sister. Instantly, my tears were about to spill.
“I was supposed to protect her. I was supposed to take care of her.” He swallowed, the emotion evident on his handsome face. “I was late getting home that night. I’d been working at a corner store after school. Even though I was only thirteen, the owner needed help with stocking shelves, and I needed the money. My old man was drunk and pissed his paycheck away.” He pushed out a long sigh, finally looking my way. “I should’ve gone home when my shift ended. But the owner doubled the money if I stayed an extra hour. I wanted to bring home McDonald’s for dinner. Sarah loved Mickey D’s.” He climbed off the bed and padded over to the window.
I tracked his movements, turning my body in that direction, still holding on to the pillow.
“When I walked into the house,” he continued, “I found Sarah lying on the kitchen floor with a soup can beside her, her eyes open, not breathing.”
Oh, God. Thea’s eyes had been open after the car accident. Suddenly, I felt ill. Regardless, this wasn’t about Thea. So I went over to Brian, not caring that I was half-naked, and wrapped my arms around him from behind. Pressing my bare breasts and cheek against his back, I breathed in his scent through the thin cotton of his sweat-dampened shirt.
“I’m here for you, Brian.”
He covered my hands with his. “She’d fallen off the counter, trying to get that can of soup off the second shelf while my bastard of a father was passed out drunk, with no fucking clue his nine-year-old daughter was dead.” A muscle ticked in his jaw as he poured out his emotions. “Once I left home, I erased that fatal night from my memory, afraid if I didn’t, I would kill him.”
“Thank you for telling me. I know what it feels like to lose someone.”
He turned effortlessly in my arms then guided my chin upward. “Who?”
I wiped a tear from his face. “Thea. She was my ride-or-die sister when we lived in cages. I found her on the floor in the back seat of the car that crashed with us in it. Her eyes were wide open, but she wasn’t breathing, just like your sister.”
He moved my hair from my face, his expression soft, his touch gentle.
It was then, in that moment, I felt an even stronger connection to this man. A man who wasn’t afraid to show his emotions, which was a bit surprising given his strong personality, his fearless attitude, and his stature as a former kingpin dedicated to serving the cartel.
“My night terrors stem from those days in captivity. I don’t know that they’ll ever go away, but they have been more prominent as of late.”
“Because?”
I had the desire to tell him every detail—how John whipped me to get his rocks off or if I was out of line, how many men had their way with me at monthly parties, how I wished for death more times than I could count. All of that would turn off a man, but I would go out on a limb and bet that Brian would embrace my wounds, both physical and emotional. He wouldn’t run or treat me with pity.
Regardless, if I said it out loud, then that feeling of someone stalking me would become real. It would also start a domino effect with my brothers. We’d always known that one day, when Zane was old enough, he could pose a threat.
I wasn’t na?ve about why Duke, Ted, and even Dillon were concerned about me. I simply didn’t want to deal. I wanted to find happiness, but I knew I wouldn’t unless I finally killed my demons. I just didn’t know if I was right about someone watching me.
“Baby girl, are you in there?”
I flattened my hands on his chest. “For the last several weeks, I’ve had an eerie feeling that I'm being watched. I don’t see anyone. I think it’s all in my head, which is why I haven’t told anyone. The moment I voice this to Duke, or Dillon, or even Denim, they’ll call in the cavalry.”
“But Duke already has—Knox. Which, by the way, is he still your bodyguard?”
I gave him a yes-and-no look, my face scrunching. “I slashed his tires before I drove down here.”
The color drained from his face. “Dillon said you’ve learned how to ditch the bodyguards, which isn’t good, baby girl, if you think someone is following you.”
I stepped out of his embrace, grabbed the comforter off the bed, and covered myself. Again, I couldn’t talk with him drinking me in.
“Do you think it’s Zane Smith?” he asked. “Your brothers think he’s the reason why you’re spooked.”
“Of course they do. But I don’t know that he’s following me.”
“Why haven’t you told them what you just told me?” he asked, standing by the window, those green eyes filled with heartache, questions, and concern.
I sat down on the bed. “I don’t want them uprooting their daily lives because I think someone is following me. For all I know, I’m losing my mind. I’m teetering on the edge of what’s real and what’s not. Every time I run into a guy in his early twenties, I think it’s him. Even though I knew him as Zane, I’m not sure if that’s his real name.”
“Ah, the guy in the banquet hall—Josh. You were pale because you thought he could be Zane?”
“He was clearly not,” I said. He’d seemed too put together to be the son of a deranged person like John Smith.
Brian joined me on the bed. “Is this situation why you asked for my help?”
“At first. I thought if I knew where Zane was now, it might put me at ease. What is he doing? Maybe he’s a nice guy. Maybe he forgot about me.”
He pulled me to him. “How do I fit in? I don’t think I could find him.”
“But you know the drug industry well. John Smith always had cocaine available for his clients. He had to buy the drugs from someone. I thought you might ask one of your former cartel people, like the man who was in your condo, if he knew of or sold drugs to anyone in Missouri. Maybe we could get John’s real name or that of his son’s.” I nuzzled into him, feeling loved and protected. “Ted struck out. And when he investigated, he never found John’s body or Thea’s. I know the police in the Ozarks covered up everything. They were on John’s payroll. But it’s been ten years. Maybe someone is willing to talk now, but I keep going back and forth on whether I want to know.”
Brian kissed my head. “Slow down, baby girl. One thing at a time. Dillon is going to see Miguel in prison. Maybe Miguel will talk.”
I didn’t know how I felt about that, but maybe it was a start. After all, Miguel knew his clients well.
“I can’t keep living in fear, Brian.”
“I won’t let anything happen to you. But you need a bodyguard now more than ever.”
“I know. Duke will have my head.”
“I need to go to Nashville for a couple of days. Promise me you won’t ditch Knox. When I return, I’ll take the lead, if that’s okay with you.”
The last hour had been filled with so many emotional ups and downs, but nothing made me smile more than his offer. “I would very much like that.”
“Before I go, I need to talk to Duke. You let me handle him.”
“Okay,” I said as I lost the comforter and straddled him. “I’m sorry about your sister.” My fingers dove into his hair. “Why haven’t you ever told Duke?”
“I could never bring myself to tell anyone.” He kissed my chest.
I cupped his face. “But you told me.”
“You bring out a side of me that no one has been able to.”
It was my turn to kiss him. It was time to do what made me happy, and every time I was with Brian, I felt at peace—like no one could break me.
His hands roamed, wild and free. His tongue tangled with mine, as if we were fighting for control.
“I love kissing you,” he breathed. “But?—”
I pulled away, cocking my eyebrow. “You want to do this right. I do, too, but there’s nothing wrong with kissing.”
He let out a hearty laugh. “Says the woman who is giving me blue balls.”
I giggled, feeling powerful for the first time since I’d shot John Smith and escaped. But it was a much different power—sexy, confident, and in control. Like I mattered.
My life was on the upswing—or, at least, I prayed it was.